How's about a new cringe-making story thread, trying to tenuously weave the names of Newcastle players etc into a ripping yarn of some sort. Apologies in advance....;-))

Freddie and his son, Robert, are travelling by train through the lush German countryside, on their way to Munich, and the final of the 2002 UEFA cup between Newcastle and Barcelona. The sun, is shining, they've cracked upon their third bottle of industrial schnapps and there's this gorgeous, statuesque blonde sitting opposite Bobby. Things couldn't be better, apart from the fact they've blown most of their cash already on the ferry over.

'Glass?' slurs Bobby , trying to offer the woman some of the evil smelling spirit. 'It's da biz'ess, I tell you'

'Nein danke', comes the curt reply. The woman fixes Bobby with a steely stare and gets to her feet. With a dismissive toss of the head, she strides down the aisle and sits in an empty seat further down.

'Well screw her' curses Bobby, before noticing a pile of coins on the seat where the woman had been sitting. He reaches forward to pocket the cash, but his Dad pulls him back sternly.

'Bobby. Rob, son, and I'll put you on the first train back to England.'

Suitably chastened, Bobby decides to try and reunite the Fraulein with her money, and stumbles down the aisle towards, dropping most of the coins on the way.

'Endschooldigensie' he says in his best Victor comic German 'aber you appear to have fergussen your schrappnel' ....

Next...

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

Answers

Young Bobby finally finds the lady. She stops and turns to our hero "is this your normal behavior?" she asks. "not General Lee" sez Bobby. By this time he needs another drink, s back to Freddie he totters. "So, sez Freddie, d, dya dya like her then?" "as a Gal alike'er but noot like wor lass".

Bobby's flirtations had taken his mind off the impending game.....

Next!

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

Ohh shit, I've jush speed meesel', mumbles Freddie, gazing at the steaming puddle growing around his feet.

'howey and change yurself before we get thrown off the train, yer daft b@gger'

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

I remember the old days when I was workin in the shipyards as a sheep shearer, says filthy fred. I never came across anything that smelt like that. You'll be given the club a bad name gannin on like that.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

The inspector arrived and he realised with a hughe s-igh of relief that he hadn't pist on the tic-kets baia his side.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

One of those sheep , when i held'er i couldnt dy'er so i had to trim her up , and made the scissors sHarper , the i couldnt be arsed anymore so i put the scissors doon and started reading me copy of swiss family Robinson . Coats on .

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

But they were the wrong tickets, checking his pockets he found nothing but an aero-sol an o-range and a hankie, "thats not the an- ser" rant-ed freddie as he started to cry

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

Bobby thought he would die he had eaten something that did not agree with him. He felt like a "Kerr". Quick give me a "Gavilan" or whatever they are called>

The fraulein asked "howey" was. He "Helder" close. What you need is a warm bath with "Baddedas" crystals.

Freddie came looking for hi"s errant" son........

next

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

'Would ya like to see my perez-scope instead' slurred Bobby, unzipping his flies. 'I've never heard it called that', chuckled Freddie, slapping his bald, domi head in merriment. Getting his wallet out, thinking a fine was now inevitable, he syas 'Am a rich, or a m-aric'

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

Bottom-of-the-barrel time again fox.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

"Time to go ma own way" says Bobby "I'd better leave this car else the sight of your wad'll make me sick"

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

"Gazza'nother look at them foreign notes, here", said Freddie. "I've already Given you a handful", said Bobby. The train slowed as it approached the next station. "Have you any fizzy dip sweets on you?" asked a peckish Freddie. "Aye" said Bobby, "Some Sherbet Dib Dabizas. Fancy some?"

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

The fact that he was a fat slob was a Given. His Drunken trip to Spain had assured this. That was the time he'd met a hostess in the club and he'd Helder tight before he wined and dined her in MacDonalds.

"Mind, she's a Pist One" he thought. "She'Speed herself. I wonder Hughes -ee's been with lately."

"You likey Goma flat, signor?" she whispered in his ear.

And so they went back to her place where he went to the bathroom and tore a strip off the roll to Dabizas. When he got back to the bedroom, he asked her: "Watson TV?"

Then he heard the theme music to the Simpsons and saw Barton TV. "That must be the Battyest programme I've ever seen".

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

The station master was truggling to help a fat old lady through the ticket barrier, and wasn't helped by a young wee nipper running passed screaming "let me thro, let me thro I can gets by her"

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

Christ, Mac, that's bliddy awful! :-)

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000