Can you be sure of true love in just two weeks worth of seeing each other? Did any of you ever have that instant connection where you absolutely, positively know that there is no one else for you and never will be? The feeling that you knew the person since the day you were born?

-- Anonymous, June 06, 2000

Answers

Sure did. Knew by the end of the weekend, got engaged five months later, was married a year after that, and celebrated our first anniversary back in March.

Haven't regretted it or doubted my decision for a minute - if he feels the same way I reckon you're onto a winner.

-- Anonymous, June 06, 2000

I think it depends on what kind of person you are. If you're both open, lay-it-all-on-the-line type of people, I guess knowing in two weeks is a possibility. For people like me who are more hesitant about love and such, it takes some time for people to even know 'the real me.' (ha, that was the title of a book i read when i was about 10) All of a sudden some weird quirk of mine might show up and you'd be like, "whoa! I didn't know you were like that!" And then of course there's my little theory that you have to have an argument to see how you both handle that. I guess, for me, it just comes down to my inability to truly know someone in a short amount of time. How great it would be to have that sense that you've always known someone you've just met...

-- Anonymous, June 06, 2000

I was. I actually knew from the moment we met that I would marry my husband. I went home that night and told my Mom I had met Mr. Right. She laughed. Now we've been together almost 4 years and married for 1 year 8 months.

My husband and I sometimes talk about how it feels like we've known each other forever, yet not nearly long enough.

Suzyramble~The Mutterings of A Fool

-- Anonymous, June 06, 2000

no... it takes at least a month or two.

-- Anonymous, June 06, 2000

Two weeks? Get real. You probably haven't even experienced a minor disagreement yet, much less survived a serious argument.

Have a good fight. Then get back to us...

-- Anonymous, June 06, 2000

I met my husband on a local BBS. We made a date to meet and hang out. I was picking him up in front of a local book store (he thought his house might be too difficult to find, and he wanted to get a mocha anyway) and I knew the minute I drove up and saw him.

It took two or three years of fussing and fighting for us to finally settle down and get together and married and bebefied and all that stuff, but I knew.

So, that's a key too. If you *know*, but it doesn't seem like things are going to happen RIGHT NOW, have faith. There were times when I was so pissed off at Jake that I didn't speak to him for weeks - nay, MONTHS. I was so discouraged at times and depressed over the fact that I would never have him.

I'd just about given up and was ready to settle down into being The Other Woman for another guy who I was sure was something special (he really was... but he *was* married and all that) when Jake started calling me again. He came over for dinner one night and just never seemed to find his way back home.

Well, back to the apartment he was living at. He had found his home, of course. (=

Have faith. Trust your instincts. It is possible.

-- Anonymous, June 06, 2000

anything's possible... my aunt and uncle had dinner for a first date, then went on a walk that ended up in engagement. they got married on their backporch and melded three kids, then had two more. they are the happiest ppl i know in my family.

i think the biggest misconception out there is that there's some "formula" ppl have to follow to have a successful relationship. no so. how an earth could a women's magazine get EVERYONE'S relatioship and status and course right? success is so dependant on the people involved, the past, and their dreams.

like someone mentioned before, go with your gut feeling. more often then not, it'll point you in the right direction.

good luck!

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

I don't believe in love at first sight. But that's because I'm old and bitter and have been kicked in the teeth by life too many times and have pretty much resigned myself to dying alone.

Everyone's different. I've known people who got *married* after two weeks of knowing each other and they were still deeply in love and happy 15 years later. And some of the happiest couples I know hated each other when they first met.

(NB: Before I start getting e-mails telling me about the benefits of therapy, the first paragraph of this post was hyperbole and not intended to be taken seriously.)

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Whenever I rushed things, I got a glorious kicked-in-the-teeth realization that 1) it had all been in my idealistic and naive little mind, 2) society/the media puts WAY too much emphasis on this whole soulmate/The One bullshit, and 3) humans are by nature pattern- seeking creatures and so of COURSE you'll want to believe that there's all this CONNECTION and there's NO ONE ELSE FOR YOU and all that stuff.

If you're really "meant to be" and all that stuff, then what's the rush? And, of course, my usual insight: if you are soulmates, YOU WON'T KNOW FOR SURE UNTIL YOU'RE BOTH DEAD, ANYWAY. :)

That's what I think, anyway.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Give it at least a couple months. Sure, you can have an inkling that this is THE one, but there are some things you should weather first. Fights, family drama (on both sides), people from the past.....these are all things life will throw your way here and there and you don't have any way to know how he'll react/support you until it happens. And I doubt that two weeks will show you every facet of his personality. I mean, are YOU being totally you around him right now, or are you being the cutest, sanest version of yourself?

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

When I met my now husband we were both dating other people. We didn't officially start going out for almost a year, but within two weeks I couldn't imagine the rest of my life without him. I think you can know that soon, but I don't think you have to act that soon. We dated four years before we got married, even though we were both fairly sure the whole time it would end that way.

So yeah, I think you can know in two weeks, but there's no reason not to wait a year or so to make sure.

And the notion of "the one" is not just media bullshit. It may not be true for everybody but it sure is for me. But then, before I met my husband I thought you just settled for somebody okay, too.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

When I met my boyfriend, I felt immediately attracted and connected to him in a way I never had to anyone else before, even to my ex-husband. Neither of us knew where our relationship was headed, and still don't, but we knew that we were somehow meant to be together. I think that it happens differently for everyone, but yes, love at first sight, in whatever form that takes for you, is certainly possible. But you don't wonder about it, you just know.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

"It may not be true for everybody but it sure is for me. But then, before I met my husband I thought you just settled for somebody okay, too."

I've always seen the opposite, Amanda... in fact, I did it myself... I settled for someone "okay" and didn't question some pretty obvious signs that the relationship wasn't All That because I'd convinced myself deep down that DumbAss was The One! And we were SOULMATES! And we'd be together unto eternity! Why, when I first met him, something in my head said "I'll marry him someday!" I'd had a dream about someone with his very same first initial! Our great-grandmothers were both named Nelson! It didn't matter that he was often mean, was incredibly selfish, had all sorts of Issues and Insecurities... I'd JUST KNOWN all along that we were MEANT for each other-

Yeah, yeah, I was a total dint.

As for The Husband-Type Man, there's no doubt in my mind that he is THE most amazing, wonderful and perfect partner. He feels the same about me. However, if something was to happen to me, I hope that, if he felt comfortable with it, he'd marry again at some point in his life. I would hope that if something happened to me, he wouldn't write off the possibility of loving again just because I was The One, and there could never be anyone else... or that if he were to love someone else, that would somehow negate our relationship, because then SHE must've been The One, not me....

That said, I don't know if I could go on and love again if something happened to The Husband-Type Man. I know that my standards would be unbelievably high just because he'd be my basis of comparison. I hope I never have to find out.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

yes, I was married to a mean man and didn't know that things could be wonderful with someone else. It took me too long to figure it out, and then I had the sense to get in contact with a kind, sweet, special man that I had one date with 5 years ago and decided to forgo that relationship in favor of the mean husband. Now I understand what it is like to be treated (and treat) with kindness and to be with someone that gets what I'm saying no matter what. It only took me 5 years to figure this one out, thankfully he was still available.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

I suppose you can "know" that there's a very strong connection there. I mean, I've heard lots of stories about people who Just Knew that this was The One. Of course, they conveniently forgot how many others were The One (maybe some people are just more likely to fall instantly in love). Give it time. If it's true love, it'll still be true love in a couple of months. And if it's just really strong chemistry then you still have options!

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

True, I know hordes of people who think everybody they date is "The One". I really only had a couple of serious boyfriends before I met my husband, and I never thought they were soulmate material. Marriage material, maybe, but I don't think I ever thought "soulmate." They weren't mean, just maybe boring, or stagnant, but I had fairly low self esteem and didn't think I could do better.

I've just seen so many couples who don't seem happy to be together. Who seem to have quit having any fun years and years ago. I like to think that this isn't inevitable.

Realistically, if I died I'd want him to find someone else, and be happy, but part of me wants him to pine away forever. You know the short story "The Lady or the Tiger"? My husband would pick the door I didn't point to.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

count me cynical... i met The Love Of My Life, and we were friends for 6 years before we got together. i saw him thru two other relationships. when we finally got together, it was amazingly good, and we told each other we wanted to spend our lives together. we built on a lot of friendship, and (i thought) communicated well. then he dumped me and went back to his old girlfriend, the one topic we ever really fought about, as he never found closure with her. so... if you can know someone for so long and still be wrong, i have my doubts about 2 weeks.

i hope that i'm wrong.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

The problem with "knowing" he's the one is that, yeah sure, we all think we "know" or we wouldn't get married, or whatever. I thought I knew when I met my first husband. I just always rationalize it this way--I am a different person now with my current boyfriend then I was 12 years ago when I first met my ex-husband. Hokey or no, it explains a lot to me. I just "know" that I would go through heaven and hell (and we've already damn near been through hell) for and with my boyfriend--obviously, I knew no such thing with my ex-husband because I divorced him. Of course, it also takes two people who feel the same way--both parties in the relationship have to feel that "special something" or eventaully it just won't work.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

Hmmm.... well, you can HOPE that he's the one, and you can know that there's potential for him to be the one... but no, you can't be sure. Two weeks isn't long enough -- I agree with whoever said "have a good fight and get back to us." During the first few weeks, you're all twitterpated and in that rosy "everything's perfect" stage... but that stage wears off. And if he is potentially the one, things will get even better once the infatuation wears off. Either way, you have to have time to get to know the person's flaws, as well as their good points. Two weeks isn't long enough for that. My soon-to-be-ex-husband told me he knew I was the one on our first date, after we'd known each other about two weeks, and he proposed on the second date. I went with it, all giddy with new love... and Nancy, you know what's happened with that. Rushing into the relationship (living together three weeks after we started dating, etc.) because I was so sure he was the one was a huge mistake, and I think the course of our relationship would have been drastically different if I had just taken the time to get to know him better. You have all the time in the world, after all -- you shouldn't rush into it.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

I knew the instant my fiance kissed me for the first time that he was the one. We'd been acquaintences for about 2 years prior though, so I'm not sure if that counts, but we'd only been a 'couple' 3 weeks when he proposed.

I never thought this could work like this, but sometimes it just does.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

*applauds Dwanollah* You took the words right out of my mouth. I copied and saved what you said in your first post. ((Don't worry, I credited you.))

You go, girl.

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

I don't think you can really know after two weeks. When people get together and it works out, they always *CLAIM* they knew. And it sounds all accurate because they happened to stay together.

It's a self-fulfilling prophesy. Like reading your horoscope. People read their horoscope and it says something like, "You will interact with someone in your family. In your love life, the ball is in your court. Your finances are in the bank" and they go, "OH MY GOD, THATS ME! THAT'S MY LIFE!"

We like to feel secure. We like those random ethereal reassurances. I'm marrying a wonderful, smart, sweet guy who is a blast to hang with. But I didn't feel any white light or whirlpools when I met him. Our whole situation came about very casually and calmlike. I know he rocks. But I don't know anything for sure.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

Gosh, Mia, thanks! And here I was, just being my usual cynical, grouchy, un-traditionally-"romantic" self.... :)

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

Just one more word from the crazy romantic here. I'm sure there are lots of people who claim they "knew" in hindsight, and I'm sure there are lots of people who "knew" every time they met anybody, but there's at least one (me) who'd never "known" before and can give you documented proof that she knew weeks in.

Bottom line for me, whatever way you find somebody who makes you happy, and somebody who makes you really like yourself as well as him is a good way. But occasionally the cliches are true.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

I thought my boyfriend was everything I ever wanted and he was so perfect for me blah blah blah. That lasted about a year, then I got past his physical appearance and started seeing the "real" him. When I go to know *him* I felt the real sense of love. We love eachother more all the time. So give it a year (or so), I think that's a good amount of time.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

When my husband and I met on a local BBS, we were both (unhappily) living with other people. Some of us from the BBS started meeting regularly for coffee—I think this might have actually been the group's first get-together.

We were all sitting around a table discussing science fiction. Tom mentioned the story "The Marching Morons," and couldn't remember the author's name. Reflexively ('cause I can't help blurting out answers when I know them), I said, "C.M. Kornbluth."

Tom whipped around to face me (we were on the same side of the table), pointed at me and announced, "You have to marry me now!" It took him a while to convince me, but we were married a year and a half later.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

No. No. And no. And here's why: 1. You're in love. Love makes you not see things that you would otherwise see about that person. Getting married isn't about love only. Love is only a minuscule part of that. It's about assets and liabilities, too. And after two weeks of dating, you can't yet determine whether the guy is an asset or a liability. 2. It doesn't matter how long you've known someone's social facade. Once you're in a long-term relationship with someone, s/he is always * much* different. But that's something you'll only see come time.... 3. Getting married is a decision that involves lots of bureaucracy and mutual dependence. Whether you like it or not, the person you marry has the right to half of whatever you make after being married. That's legally enforceable. If that person ever lied on a tax return, claiming the innocent spouse thing or whatever is tough. 4. Finally, getting married is more than "playing house." It means that you'll promise to live with someone's quirks, beer-burps, farts, open toothpaste-tubes, pee stains next to the toilet, and all that, for the rest of your life. And it takes time to a. find out about those (often very intimate) quirks and b. to decide whether you can really live with them. 4. Hence, all the no's at the beginning. You need to know someone inside out--and with clear, rational distance (a distance you simply can't have after only 2 weeks), before you take a step that could get yourself in a potentially big hole (depending on what you find out after you've said yes).

My husband and I got engaged after knowing each other for a year and a half, and we spent six years being engaged. Three of those, we actually lived together. by the end of that, I knew everything about him (and he about me), down to the name of the first bird I ever owned. After all of that, I could safely say, well, fine, this might actually work.

Yeah yeah. Flame me, if you will. I can take it.

The Grammarqueen

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

I believe all it takes is one time. Skeptical/cynical people can argue against knowing if you met Mr./Miss Right off the bat until they are blue in the face, but love doesn't work the same way for all people.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

I don't know about 2 weeks. I was reading some of the things that have been posted here, and I understand all of it. I'm a very romantic person and perhaps a little naive (okay, _definitely_ a little naive), and all I've ever wanted in my life was someone I could be in love with, who would love me back. I don't ask for much - and usually end up with a lot less than I deserve.

I met my boyfriend in a chat room, and although I didn't want anything to do with him at first (I had already done the internet thing - I didn't want to do it again), he won me over. He was funny and sweet and silly and he brought me out of my shell a little. We connected instantly, but it took me a while to have any real faith in that connection. When he finally came out to meet me (in March, when we'd known eachother online for about 7 months), I was terrified. Not that things wouldn't work out, but that he wouldn't like me. But when he stepped off the bus (yes - all the way from Alabama to California just to meet me!) and I laid eyes on him for the first time, and he smiled at me like he'd never been happier in his life (of course, now that I think about it, that was probably just because he was finally off the bus), all my fears and doubts went away, and I just _knew_ this was right.

We fight. More than most people think is good for a relationship. We can be really mean to eachother sometimes. But we always make up. And I still do have faith that this is right - for both of us. But I'm long over the romantic notion that this is forever. I'm now just taking it one day at a time.

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

Damn, that ending sounded pretty cynical, didn't it?

P.S. Sorry if I screwed anyone up by putting in the wrong email address. It's late, I've been drinking, and my brain is shot.

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

I don't know, I kind of disagree with the Grammarqueen in a big way. I mean I understand what you're saying, but I've been there already, and DONE that. Marriage with someone that I thought I loved, possibly did love but it was hard to tell through all the abuse and nastiness that I had to live with. I married him because (and I know this sounds awful!) it was the closest I've ever come to feeling as if 'this was it'. I figured - I'm 32 - I've been with him for years, lived with him for more years, there isn't that ultimate connection, but hey it's kinda close- so I might as well. Ever since I met the two week guy recently I know now what I missed. No, it isn't the fireworks thing (although there IS that) it is the complete and total lack of bullshit, the oneness, the ease in which we are together. Because it is (I read this somewhere) When I see green and everyone else sees blue, I'm pretty sure he sees green. I'm not a wishy washy romantic by any means, but I have never been more sure of anything in my 35 years on this earth. so there.

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

I *do* think *SOME* people very obviously know when they've met The Person. BUT, not all people *just know*, including ones that claim they *just know*. It is a matter of being in touch with yourself, which, sadly, a great many people aren't.

All the really good decisions I've made in my life, I've *just known*. Wild horses couldn't tear me away - the thing drawing me toward the decision was *SUPREMELY OBVIOUS* to me, as if denying the draw would have been against my very nature. I think it will be the same way when I marry. I'm a very practicle, level headed person. But when I *know* something, it is like I see something so clearly that no one else has a clue exists. And, scary, I'm right. Freaks people out. Thankfully, I have understanding friends who support me and eventually understand my vision.

I don't however, think that everyone is built this way. I think people fall in love with the concept of love at first site, romantic love, etc.... They try to convince themselves of something they want so badly to happen that they can't enjoy the gradual revelation of true love.

Which brings me back around to the question at hand. Yes, I think you can *know.* But if you did, the opinions on a board aren't going to influence your knowledge on a core level. *KNOWING* means that you, out of politeness & responsibility to yourself, question yourself. But the questioning is more of an adult function & formality than anything when you really *know.*

You know when you know. You just do.

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

Grace, you really said it. I think this is one of those times when you really need to "know thyself". I mean, really, really know yourself. When you can do an unflinching assessment and say, "ok, this feels like love and it's very exciting but I do seem to have this pattern of going way overboard at the outset so maybe I should wait and see". Or maybe you know yourself well enough to realize that you have great instincts for these kinds of things.

Another thing -- why do you need to know if it's for real right now? Why not just immerse yourself in this wonderful feeling, this lovely discovery for a while? Hold it, look at it, feel it, enjoy it. You'll find out if you were right or not soon enough.

-- Anonymous, June 09, 2000

To look for just one person seems kind of bizarre. Why rule out all the many different people you can have different kinds of 'connection' with? The romance of the idea of the one and only true soulmate is something that a lot of women seem to constrain themselves with. In saying that, my group of friends yardstick for whether a guy is 'the one' (or one of the ones!) is 'funny tummy'; does he make your stomach go funny each time you see him? (No I don't mean he make you feel sick; funny tummy in a GOOD way!) And i have met someone who gives me 'funny tummy' (not just with his cooking). So I'm lucky; but it doesn't always work out so smoothly. Funny tummy guy may also be the guy who puts you through the most shit - but because of the way he makes you feel, you feel unable to be realistic or objective or whatever. Oh anyway I don't know. Everyone's too different. Personally I would be pragmatic and say don't rush into anything; there should always be a streak of realism in there somewhere.

-- Anonymous, June 10, 2000

Normally, under all other circumstances, I would say that it's pretty impossible to know after only two weeks whether someone is "the one" or not. In the past, I've dated women for over five years without ever getting that Special Certain Feeling about someone. And I would never, under any circumstances, advise anyone to even consider marriage unless they've been together at least a full year.

But don't pay attention to me. I proposed to my fiancé after dating her about three weeks. She says she knew from the moment I first kissed her that I was the one for her, but I have to admit that I'd known for much longer than that. I have no doubts that she is the one for me.

So I think that it is possible to know after just two weeks. Having said that, I don't think it is reasonable or realistic to think that, having found "The One", you will be happy for the rest of your life. No relationship is perfect; my own fiancé and I know that there will be times when we'll be angry at each other, upset with each other, and possibly wake up next to each other wondering, "What the hell was I thinking?" But if you're committed to each other and to the relationship, you can get through those times. The key is constant, honest communication, patience, and commitment. Don't even begin to think that just because you have found "the one" that it will all be peaches and cream after that; love doesn't work that way.

If you know, after just a couple of weeks, that your partner is "The One", then I'm very happy for you. If you choose to make a committment to this person, as I have done, be prepared to follow through on it; not just today, not just tomorrow, but for the rest of your life.

The Chronicles of Richard

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2000

You certainly can THINK you can. I don't know if you can find THE one, but you can find A one, and it can be pretty close. I met my first boyfriend online, and within three weeks of speaking on the phone for the first time, he moved 800 miles to be with me. And it worked, for awhile anyway. We were great friends, and we had good times together. It fell apart after about 7 months, for two reasons.

One, we weren't who we thought we were. Or at least, I wasn't who he thought I was. I had a few ideas about Sam going into the whole thing, but left my mind as open as possible for changes that were inevitable. He ended up being super-anal about dumb shit like slamming the car door. He ended up liking Jimmy Buffett. But I'm flex, and I'm in love, right? But when I start not acting like the original hippie-love-all-the-blow-jobs-you-could-want-and-more goddess he thought I was, it wasn't so OK.

The second was he had moved expressly to be with me, he had set up this whole life based around us being in love, and believe it or not folks, it wasn't enough. Sam's lifestyle is extremely flexible, but when you work two jobs for crap money and don't have many friends, and it's 100 degrees outside and your cheapass apartment doesn't have air conditioning and you're waiting an extra two weeks for this girl you've just met to move to school so she can spend two nights a week with you, you start to wonder what the fuck you were thinking. And he did. And that made perfect sense.

So I guess what I'm saying is, YES, by all means, fall deep in love as fast as you want. Just keep your eyes and options open so you can support and learn about one another. Also, don't be a doormat. And slam that car door like there's no tomorrow. That's what they're for.

-- Anonymous, June 11, 2000

As only the third male to contribute here...

It might be more productive to focus on passion, fun, closeness, and shared goals, rather than a fortnight of mystical knowledge of the future. Or did you already phone the Psychic Friends Hotline?

No, you can't "know for sure" in just two weeks. You can't know everything. Why is that so important? Yes, you can feel like they're the one. You can think they're the one. You can be readily willing to accept the possibility that they're the one. You just can't "know" it any more than you can "know" that you will live to see your next birthday. You can certainly plan on it, though. One of great things about relationships is that they grow over time. You learn about each other by being in different situations together, and it's revealed gradually how well you fit and belong together, and each moment of revelation of is an electric, life-affirming rush (for some). What if every book you picked up told you in the first two pages how it will end?

Whether they are "the one" has nothing to do with "just two weeks." It has nothing to do with feeling you knew them "since the day you were born" and it has nothing to do with an "instant connection." People come together and it works (or not) regardless of any of those things. Looks to me like that's what all these stories are saying.

Live fully. Love deeply. Learn to let go. Don't trade dreams for regrets.

-- Anonymous, June 13, 2000

I believe it's possible. But similar to someone else who posted (doh, forget who...) i knew my boyfriend before we got together. We didn't know each other for long, but we had become friends first.

I do agree that fights and how you deal with them will be a good telltale sign. Sometimes we fight and i'll think "what am i doing in this relationship?!" but as soon as we take a bit of a time-out to breathe and think rationally, i know i never want to be with anyone else.

I knew from the beginning. Thus far, i haven't been wrong.

And Jolene? You said If you *know*, but it doesn't seem like things are going to happen RIGHT NOW, have faith.

That was well said. I think it's good advice to hold on to...

-- Anonymous, June 16, 2000