Anybody ever tried responding to personal ads? Good experience, or bad?

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

Answers

I answered an ad through match.com and the guy seemed really cool on paper. After lots of emailing, we met and I really liked him. He freaked me out a little because he was SOOOO into it all, but I was still glad I met him. After two dates he tried to borrow money from me, and I told him to get lost. My gut told me something was wrong, so I called the police - the guy had a record for fraud. Very nice. He harassed me with phone calls for about a month and then gave up. Match.com did nothing when I emailed them, they didn't even take his ad down. I didn't get hurt doing it, but it was kind of a bummer. Still, I know others who have had very good experiences.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

I responded to one personal ad, in a Portland, Maine newspaper, several years ago. The woman who placed it was nice enough. During our one date, she changed her mind several times about her profession. At one point she described herself as a nurse, then a little later talked about work as a bookkeeper, then said she was glad to have some time off after school to think about what she really wanted to do. All of these she discussed in the present tense, and I began to get sort of curious. Finally she discussed her experience as a flight attendant on a non-existent run of Continental airlines (I was curious enough to check when I got home).

No harm came of it, if you don't count the fact that I had to pay for dinner. But it was a little weird.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

I think the main problem with personal ads (and blind dates, for that matter) is the way they are inherently set up. They force both parties to make a decision about whether or not to see eachother again based on *one* face-to-face encounter. Therefore, if there is any tiny doubt on the part of either person, they will not pursue the dating further for fear of leading the other on, getting their hopes up, etc.

I've always thought that it would work better if you could get a bunch of single friends together, have them all bring single friends, call some promising personal-ad people, and go out all together a couple of times... so you could slowly get to scope people out in person, without having to decide by the end of the night if you wanted their number, since you'd get to see them a couple more times.

Amusement parks are good for this because different people always want to go on different rides, which in turn leaves a different combination of people standing on the ground under the ride each time.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

I've posted and responded to a few personal ads over the last ten years. Some folks are what they purport to be; others...oy. I've had a couple of dates where I seriously considered climbing out the bathroom window.

There's a problem inherent to both blind dates and personals. We get little bits of info about someone, and there's a tendency to fill in the blanks. Whether the info you fill in the gaps with is right or merely the product of fantasy is irrelevant...until you meet this mystery person face to face and realize s/he isn't exactly what you had in mind. It's hard to go into these situations and completely suspend your expectations.

That said, I really like Reason's group idea. You get to meet a whole bunch of different people and see how they relate to folks they know and folks they don't and new situations on the whole. The pressure's off, or at least diminished.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

I like Reason's idea too.

I have a friend who is a serial ad-answerer & placer. I've done it a couple of times, but the whole time I feel yicky & nervous that the person isn't what they seem.

A different friend of mine joined a dating service & that was just as bad. Totally wrecked her self-esteem.

Me? I'd rather be single for the rest of my life!

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

Which, I might add, I'm well on my way to.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

All the ones I've looked at are placed by men who want to cheat on their wives. Creepy.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

Some friends of mine met through a singles ad, then got married. Now, whenever he reads a newspaper, she thinks he's cheating on her. Ba- dum-bum!

Sorry. Had to say it. They are, however, happily married.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

I'm marrying a guy I met through a personal ad (he answered mine). So I guess you could say I've had a very good experience!! The paper I ran my ad in is a weekly, urban, alternative, artsy, young paper (the Boston Phoenix) and so the audience was self-selecting and very much my target audience. I think that's key.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

The last long-term relationship I had was with someone I met through the personals. I didn't even listen to what he said in his ad -- I just liked his voice. We met, clicked, and went out for four years.

I've had some good and some bad experiences with the personals. I guess that's the same story with any type of dating. Unless you know the person in advance, it's always a bit of a crapshoot.

Yesterday, I had a first date with someone I met through a personals ad (my own). He's nice and charming, and we'll see where it goes. :)

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2000

I'm in favor of personal ads, esp. the online variety. I placed and answered ads from november of 97 until the summer of 98, mostly through yahoo. Yahoo is good because you can be anonymous or not, your choice, and it's free.

One of the things I like -- at least both of you are looking for *someone* to date, even if it turns out you aren't looking for each other. this prevents getting interested in some guy at the office, who might not be looking at all. I hate that left-over-from-high- school "does he like me? or is he just friendly to everyone that way?"

online ads are quicker than print ads. I like that respondents need to email you -- it's a good filter. If they can't be bothered to write a substantial response to your ad, they aren't right for you anyway.

You'll probably need to repost ads often. otherwise your ad gets buried. It's a good idea to be frank about yourself physically. If I'm fat and busty, guys who are only interested in thin women should know up front.

I met with a number of men, went out with several more than once, dated one guy for seven weeks, then started seeing my current sweetie.

here's the entry where Jack and I actually met face to face. I wouldn't consider dating someone non-local, and I wouldn't have a long period of just email.

http://www.ha lcyon.com/anitar/journal/061298.html

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2000

Anita, after reading your comments about on-line ads, I thought I'd go check out Yahoo, because, you know, what the hell, I'd like to meet a nice guy sometime this decade.

HOLY SHIT!

The first 15 "men seeking women" on Yahoo's personals for my local area were: 1) married men looking for "some on the side," as one oh- so-delicately put it; 2) looking for "submissives;" or 3) looking for "hot sex."

I know there are decent people putting ads on the Web, but this quick bit of research has me wanting to take a shower. Ick, ick, ick.


-- Anonymous, June 01, 2000

Yeah, Tracey, I looked there too, and was thoroughly grossed out... even the ones that didn't come right out and say it said things like "...seeking discrete young female for intimate encounters." Agh!

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2000

I've always enjoyed dating through the personals, maybe because I'm good at keeping my expectations low and finding humor in the signal to noise ratio. Sometimes you wind up in a train wreck (I've had dates where I went to the men's room and never came back) and sometimes you meet a love of your life (I met my second ex-wife through her ad), but mostly it's social exercise leavened with some howlingly funny moments--sundry misrepresentations, non sequiturs, blah blah blah.

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2000

mary ellen and tracy -- filtering is essential. and yahoo is probably more useful for women placing ads. get gross responses? delete them! (and that's also a reason why you might want to be anonymous at first)

but I was never that horrified by what I read. I guess years on usenet have made me hard to shock!

-- Anonymous, June 02, 2000

Huh. Following somebody's point that all the guy's ads seemed to be from married men, I just checked the Yahoo ads for women looking for men, and they seemed to be a pretty even mix of married stewardesses, probable hookers, and, well, tramps. Some serious filtering would seem to be in order, here...

-- Anonymous, June 02, 2000

Colin, the NYC area Yahoo personal ads placed by women seeking men only have a couple of the "hot flight attendant" entries, but still are pretty upsetting for racist content. I have to align myself with the "ick ick ick" crowd on this one.

-- Anonymous, June 02, 2000

For online personal ads, a site like Matchmaker.com is much better than Yahoo. They have extensive forms to fill out, essay questions and are much more about compatibility... which tends to weed out people who are just trolling for available flings.

-- Anonymous, June 02, 2000

Tom-- what 'racist content' was there at Yahoo?

I met my current paramour from an on-line personal at nerve.com, and I was majorly thrilled to find her. She's bright, lovely, clever, and very very sexy.

I like personals because they give me a chance to *talk* rather than just be *seen*. I'm not (my own estimation here: too old, not buff, too dark-intense-scary) attractive, but I am clever and verbal, and if a girl is going to bed with me, it's because of what I say rather than my looks. Personals give me the chance to make my case before a girl sees me.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000