In a few weeks, I should be meeting my SOs kids for the first time. They're 13 and 16, and live in another country. I will be the first "girlfriend" that Dad has introduced to them. In addition to them living in another country, my SO and I live in different cities---so any meeting will be obviously on purpose ("Oh! What a coincidence! I just happened to be in Disney World all by myself!").

I'm 35, and don't spend a lot of time around kids--especially teenagers. I'm starting to feel a bit like a crazy spinster lady here! Any advice for meeting them? Talking to them? Not running away and hiding in the closet? Augh!

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2000

Answers

Just be yourself, be friendly, be (not act) interested in them. 13 and 16 are really not such horrible ages! Meeting them sounds fun, but I understand the pressure. Just try to be like a friend, not like a "new mom" or something.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2000

Don't try and be cool, and just talk to them like any new adults you're just met. And consult them without it sounding like you're doing it (if you know what I mean - ask them what they want for dinner, without sounding like you're sucking up and pandering to them).

You'll be cool. Kids that age are pretty grown-up these days, so if you treat them with respect they should respond accordingly. Good luck!

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2000

Run away and hide in the closet! Go now.

Ok, maybe that is not feasible. In lieu of the closet, talk to them exactly as if they were adult women you would want to be friends with, except you don't swear (much) around them, and you don't discuss sex. And when they talk to you, really, really listen. I think generally there is that feeling that when you are that age, adults never listen.

I dated a guy with a 14 year daughter, and it was rough until the day I took her shopping and asked for her fashion advice. Hell, she was the one with the subscription to British Vogue and Elle, not me! I say, take 'em to the M.A.C. counter, let them help you pick out lipstick, pick out some more for them, plunk your credit card down, and walk away friends.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2000

I am 15 years old and I hate to admit but sucking up does work.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

They're people. Just treat 'em as such.

Compliments never hurt, though. ;)

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

Treat them like regular people, I second that. It might be a good idea to catch up on your pop culture, though. Not to get an edge on them or anything, but it does help to get the conversation underway. At the very least, it shows them you're interested in whatever it is they're interested in. I don't know - watch a few episodes of Dawson's Creek, rent a few 'teen movies', stuff like that. Or better yet, check with your SO - he just might have an idea about what kind of things his kids enjoy.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

Do the same thing you did on your first date with SO.... (I'm assuming a tame first date.)

What interests you?

What do you think of ______?

How do you feel about _____?

Who is your favorite Disney character? Why? Movie? Why?

In short, get them talking about themselves. People, even kids, love to hear what they have to say. Use those people skills. And, wonders of wonders, at the same time you'll learn about them (and probably vice versa.)

Good luck - Anyone considerate enough to ask the question would do just fine.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

A few of things that haven't been said (and a reinforcement for "be yourself," which has. Frankly, there's no one else you can be and when this relationship proves to be it, you'll be stuck being whoever you are for the next 50 years.

(1) They're just as nervous as you are; they may be too cool to show it and they probably won't talk about it but they are.

(2) Most of what happens won't be about you, so don't take it personally. Impossible to do, easy to say, but important to hear. If they live in another country they, too, have a long distance relationship with their father.

(3) (a subparagraph of 2) Don't take sides. Assuming your SO isn't a child abuser and nothing occurs that requires your intervention, just say hmmmmm a lot. Find out ahead of time what the relationship is and what the rules are. If he's into bribing them with goodies from Disney and you think that's a big mistake, shhhhhh. If the opposite is true, shhhh.

Having said all that, relax and have fun. As someone said (maybe even Amy) teenagers are people. She didn't really say that but she did say "sucking up works," and sucking up works with people....ergo...

c

-- Anonymous, June 03, 2000

Thanks for all the advice. Every once in a while I feel calm... but then get all nervous again.

So here's another question! When should he tell them that I'm coming? They'll be here for 10 days, and I'm planning to show up for the last weekend (dinners, perhaps the pool on Saturday...). Should he tell them early, so they can get used to the idea, or wait until they're here so it doesn't ruin their holiday?

Man, cats are lots easier!!

-- Anonymous, June 05, 2000

When they are talking about plans for the trip, he should tell them. If you magically appear, they'll be resentful. But he should be careful to "inform" them rather than "ask" them. If you are important to him, they should respect that. Yes, it might take them just a bit to get used to the sting of someone new, but if he hides it from them for too long, they'll have been stung twice.

As an adult & parent, he should be able to communicate with them, validate the feelings the kids are probably going to have, and then not allow (if necessary) them to manipulate the situation if they are not happy. (Not that this will occur.)

If you try to control the situation too much, it will be worse - just go with the flow. Observe, react, observe, react. That's really the only viable option for everyone.

-- Anonymous, June 05, 2000