Am I being too selfish?

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My husband likes to go for a run everyday. If he doesn't go in the late morning/early afternoon, he goes in the late evening before dark.

I wouldn't mind if he went right when he got up, but he says he can't just get up and then go for a run. He needs to wake up for a few hours.

Part of the reason I can't stand for him to run everyday is that any plans we have has to evolve around his 'run.' For some reason my brain doesn't think about his wanting to go for a run and then we're out and about and I say, "Let's go here or there." He's like, "Well, I wanted to get a run in today." And I'm instantly furious.

But, I also get mad when we don't have anything planned. It's like his need to run is looming over our heads in case I did want to go and do something spontaneously.

I should say that he 'is' good about not expecting to run when we do have something planned.

So my question is, am I wrong for being upset that he feels like he should be able to run 'everyday?' Am I being unreasonable.

We talked about it and I told him that he needs to remind me early on that he might go for a run, since it always escapes my mind. He reminded me this morning and I got an attitude. I couldn't seem to help it. I usually get over it quickly, but it's still an attitude and I don't like when I get one.

So, don't hold back. Let me know if I'm being unreasonable thinking that it is a bit much for him to expect to run everyday without my getting bent out of shape.

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000

Answers

Hi Alana -

First of all, nobody is "wrong" for feeling like they feel. :o)

I am sure that you have your reasons for becoming upset with your husband for devoting so much time to his running everyday. Does it sometimes make you feel a bit like he'd rather run than spend time with you? I'm sure this is not the case -- in fact, it seems that since he doesn't run when you do have something planned, that he loves spending time with you. Sometimes people in relationships (myself included) can become jealous of their partner's hobbies and interests if it takes time away from their time together. I don't like feeling that my partner's hobbies are more important to him than I am, even though I know that isn't always true.

Something you might want to keep in mind is that at least he is active. I think being married or involved with someone who was lazy and had no desire to move around would irritate the hell out of me. It could be worse -- your husband could be spending his "running time" at bars with other women. But instead, he's just running. Perhaps try looking at it that way. It might make it easier to tolerate.

How about running with him? You could share a lot of quality time with him and maybe start understanding his interest in running if you put yourself in his shoes for a few days. Who knows, you might find a new hobby to share with your husband!

Meghan from Strangely Enigmatic.

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000

Is it at all negotiable that you ask he choose a specific time (after he's been up for a few hours) to take his run, and you, in exchange will keep in mind that spontenaiety will have to wait until after that appointed time?

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000

I agree that how you feel is how you feel - don't feel bad about that.

What you choose to do with those feelings is under your control, though.

I don't think he's wrong to want to run every day, but I can see how it would be annoying to not know when he's going to want to do it.

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000


Here's what I think: Your husband should schedule his runs. It isn't fair to have the possible runs looming over your head, when you don't even know when he is going to decide it's time to bust out the Nikes. If he scheduled his runs, you would be able to do things at other times and not feel cheated out of a fun time.

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000

If I'm understanding you correctly, its not the fact that he's running, more that he's going to want to go do his running thing, and you have no idea when, right? I would be pretty irritated if my partner was like that, too. It wouldn't matter what it was that was looming over my head, if it was something that "Has to happen today, but I can't tell you when" it would irritate the hell out of me.

How would he react if the situation were reversed? Say its not running, say its going shopping, running errands, whatever. Maybe talk with him about it from that point of view?

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000



It sounds like maybe you should try harder to make your plans in advance and then have him schedule his runs around it. I think it's reasonable to ask him to arrange his schedule around your plans, but I DON'T think it's reasonable to make him adjust his schedule just because you MIGHT want to do something.

I like to run, too, and I can totally relate to his inability to run in the morning. I feel sluggish for several hours after I wake up, and it's very frustrating trying to run, then.

I also think you should be thrilled to have a husband who's interested in fitness and taking care of himself! He'll live longer, be healthier and look better!

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000


It's kind of unreasonable to get an attitude when he does what you ask him to. If he's taking off running with no notice, sure, that's grounds for attitudeness, but if he lets you know and you start a slow burn, not so good.

Also, speaking as a diabetic and facing a lifetime of enforced regular exercise, as a wise woman said, "you don't know what you've got till it's gone." He's active and exercising and that is a good thing.

Balanced with the point that he probably shouldn't be running every day. Oh, and if you want to include yourself in on his exercise time but can't keep up due to not being a daily runner yourself, you could ride a bike maybe?

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000


My father used to do that "looming over the head" thing. For example, he would announce on Tuesday that "Thursday, we will move the old dining room table into the basement." Then, on Thursday, all life in the house stopped until the moment my father (who is a nice man, don't get me wrong) wanted to move the table. If we did anything that potentially interfered with moving the table, all hell would break loose. You couldn't set laundry down anywhere along the path that the table might take. You couldn't leave the house for an extended period of time because you might not be back in timeto help move the table. But you also couldn't insist on moving the damn table first thing Thursday morning -- it was going to happen at a time that my father deemed appropriate, which was never announced to the children until five minutes before moving time. I found it maddening (and I have always wondered if it is a recognied symptom of some syndrome -- it's such a strange and yet predictable feature of my father's personality). During my high school years, I often ran with my father and our runs had the ame maddening quality -- an entire weekend day could be shot by keeping it available for running.

If that is what you are going through with your husband's running schedule, I really feel for you. I join in the suggestion that you should schedule a time for your husband's runs, and then insist on being allowed to consider the rest of the day available for other activities.

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000


Tell him the truth...which is, that he's crazy.

The early morning is the BEST time to run.

It's cooler, there are less people out and about, he'll wake up more. Have him try it for a week. He'll never go back.

And you'll be able to do anything you want with him later. (You COULD offer him an "incentive" after he showers after the run, that might be mutually fun for you both...but would I be so crass as to suggest using sex as a means and not just an end? Maybe. Just maybe.)

Al of NOVA NOTES.



-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000


Devoutly single person ringing in here.

You're not joined at the hip, Alana. He can run when he wants, he doesn't need to give you notice - just like you can do what you want and you don't need to give him notice.

Start going out and doing something on your own once in a while. I guarantee you'll loosen up about the whole running thing.

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000



To some extent, what Gabby said is true. If you're getting mad at him for going out running even when he gives you prior notice, you should probably think really hard about why you're getting mad. Is it because he's going and doing something alone, without you? Is it because you feel like you need to constantly be with him? Or is it just that it's become such a big issue with you now that even when he "follows the rules," it still pisses you off just that he's even doing the run at all?

I would have to say that it's not unreasonable for him to want to go for a run every day. Now, if his running plans interfere with plans that you've made previously, that's not cool. Also, as others have pointed out, it's not fair to you to make you put all your plans on hold just in case he might want to go for a run.

I think probably it's the word "might" that could be pissing you off. "I might go for a run sometime today" means that you can't really make plans together for that day, because he might go for a run -- or he might not. You don't know. If he were to say "I'm going for a run today in the afternoon," would that be better? If so, maybe you should try bringing that up with him.

Gabby's comment sounded a little harsh when I first read it, but it's not completely off-base. When I first moved out here to Seattle, I'd get upset whenever Keith went off to do something by himself -- gaming, biking, whatever. Now that I've met friends of my own and know the city better, I don't mind so much and in fact have come to really value my "alone time."

I guess my point is, figure out why it's upsetting you. If it's that he's spending that time alone rather than with you, maybe you do need to go do more things on your own. But if it's just the not being able to make plans thing, talk it out with your husband and see if he can't try to at least pin down an approximate time for his runs, so you two can still plan out the day or whatever.

God, I feel like Dear Abby or something.

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000


Thanks you all for all the good info. I can see that I really need to lighten up. I should be happy that he wants to get exercise. I think that it is a mixture of both; I'm jealous of the time he wants to spend running instead of being with me; and I hate it when we're out and I am ready to go and do more things and he wants to go for a run. It just puts a kink in the rest of the daylight hours. So, I need to lighten up and try to keep in mind that when we're out doing things, that he's probably doing things 'with' me and not because he wants to do some of those things, i.e., shopping, etc. Again, thanks for all the feedback, it really helped.

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000

Well, it's just a matter of perspective. I've been through the whole jealousy over the time he wants to himself (my last boyfriend was a gamer, and that took up a lot of time) and what does that say about how he feels about me and I hated feeling that way - I felt vulnerable and, worst of all, needy.

Now, with five years celibacy under my belt, I see relationships very very differently and I hope that if and when I am in another relationship, that I will be completely chill about it - able to do my thing and let him do his thing and not have it be some big issue about what it all means about feelings and whatever.

I no longer have a traditional view of couplehood. And I'm very much pro-independence.

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000


Well, speaking as someone in a relationship who does run 4X/week, and swims before work on weekdays, I can only draw from my personal experience.

Folks who need to exercise need to exercise. We're not being "unreasonable," we're probably either getting extra energy, blowing some off, or using our workout as a way of blowing off steam or getting our head together. If I have a crappy day at work, at least I can point to my swim or run as something accomplished for the day.

Having said that - I recognize that my partner may not want to schedule his life around my workouts, so I have adjusted: I schedule my swims and runs, and the boyfriend knows when they are. It took all of two weeks of me telling him and him asking, just to confirm the times.

If the run gets in the way of plans for the evening, I move it forward or back.

For us, the key was flexibility on both parties' ends: he learned to ask what my workout plans are, and I learned to stick to a schedule for planning, and to break that schedule when necesary.

I had boyfriends in the past who resented my workout tendencies. This was due to: a) feeling excluded because I was doing something they didn't enjoy, and therefore we couldn't share it, or b) feeling as though they didn't come first with me because I didn't drop everything when they felt like doing something on the spur of the moment.

Without going into armchair psychoanalyzing, you may want to figure out why you react so negatively when your man wants to go running, and address that problem. Then you two can get on with setting up schedules, remembering what they are, and being flexible enough to break 'em from time to time.

----------------------------------

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000


I used to have a sorta-similar issue...I didn't mind at all when my ex was out of town or going to a meeting or some event or any of that, but any time he specifically said I don't want you around, I need space (and then went out and had fun with everyone else in our crowd but me), I felt awful, and just could not get over the issues no matter how hard I tried and told myself it was best for the both of us, etc. I did things too, usually used the time to do homework, but it still bothered me being deliberately told "go away," especially since the rest of the time he wanted me around almost always. Is that just sick or what? (Then again, I'm one of the sicko co-dependents who doesn't like "space"- I get way, way, way enough of it when on my own, and don't miss it in the so-far short time when it's gone.)

I also relate to the frustration of scheduling there- I know a person who used to schedule dates, but now freaks out at the very idea (something about letting people down if he has to cancel) of doing so and won't pick a time for anything until the very last minute. Anyone got any suggestions for that? :P

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2000



Yeah GABBY!

All I was going to say, also as a single person, is GO WITHOUT HIM. If he really wants to go and the run thing is a power play, you've trumped him. If he needs his quiet time, then he gets it and you get some too.

But I'd also wonder why *sometimes* it is okay to run at night and *sometimes* not - I hope I read the question correctly. That's just my single & having been jerked around for A LONG TIME gut reaction.

Just do what you wanna do - he'll get the picture.

One more thing - you are ALWAYS entitled to your feelings, regardless of what they are.

-- Anonymous, May 27, 2000


I'm with Al on this one. I run 5 miles every early morning (I'm on the streets by 5 AM) and it's dreamy - cool temps, no traffic to interrupt your rhythm, and the mosquitos are just going to bed.

I think it's also more practical when kids are involved, which may be part of the reason Al suggests it. Who's got the energy for a quality workout after a day in the corporate meatgrinder and a night spent playing with your kids and getting them to bed? Besides, personal time doesn't have to come at the expense of family time. Run early and you can make it back to the homestead before your partner and kids rise and shine. Voila, no resentments about scheduling conflicts or being left alone to get the kids up and changed and fed all by herself/himself.

The routine gets a little trickier when you become a single dad and the kid in question is a toddler, but luckily I can throw her in the running stroller and she conks right out.

And it's 5 now, so we're out the door...

-- Anonymous, May 27, 2000


When I drank, we couldn't go anywhere where I wasn't able to drink, or pee every thirty minutes.

Brenda started going by herself. Doing things by herself, and leaving me at home to drink, and pee. Going places I didn't care to go.

At first, it was great. She got off my case. About the drinking.

But she also started saying things like, "We can't go there because of your drinking," or, "We can't do that because you drink."

It made me look at the consequences of my drinking in a different way.

I had thought that the way I drank didn't affect other people, and was my own business. I came to see, not only that it affected the whole family (we had two kids), but that regular people didn't have to schedule their activities around Dad's drinking. That Dad's drinking might have edged over from heavy social drinking to compulsive, alcoholic drinking.

I quit drinking. Seeing the drinking in a different light helped me to stop.

But I didn't quit writing.

I write a lot. Pretty much every spare moment.

I work at a full-time job, and that takes time.

I try to do my share around the house, since Brenda works full-time too, and isn't interested in waiting on me.

It's easier now that the kids are grown up, and moved out. Less work with just the two of us. And a washer and drier right here in the house, an automatic dishwasher.

We can afford a maid or a yardman every other month or so.

We do things together. Cook, eat, clean up, watch rented videos, or the baseball game, on television.

Go to a matinee on the weekends, an art show, or a concert. Brenda has a garden and keeps chickens. These take up part of her evenings and weekends, and don't involve me.

We're both readers, and we each have a computer, and spend time online, in our rooms.

But a lot of the time--every spare minute--after work, and on the weekends, I am in my room, writing.

I never thought of this being like a person playing video games, or practicing some kind of sport at a competitive level, training, constantly. But I guess it is.

I am absent. Distrait. And grumpy when I'm not at my writing desk.

I always thought that if I was able to live off the sale of my work, and could quit my job and write full-time, I'd have more time to be with my loved ones, to relax, and socialize, but I would probably use the time to write more, and the most common complaint of successful writers is lack of time. To maintain their success they have to got out and meet people, press the flesh, schmooze, make nice, engage in small talk.

Our biggest dispute is holidays. Long weekends. And family events like funerals, weddings, family reunions.

I get out of sorts, away from my routine. The rhythm I write by--and it's a peristaltic rhythm, inflexible as the tides--is disrupted. I am polite to strangers but short with my loved ones.

Brenda and the boys stopped taking me to bluegrass festivals because I acted like an asshole.

I'm an asshole. If everything's perfect, it's under control. Things are seldom perfect.

I don't see how anyone lives with me.

I feel guilty about my writing jones, I wish I weren't the way I am, I try to be laid back, and friendly, and interested in what other people have to say. But I just want to close the door and make up stories in my head. Get back into the world that's realer to me than reality.

Imagine living with van Gogh, or Mozart. Or worse, with some second- rater who has the bad habits of a Mozart, a van Gogh, without the genius.

It ain't all wine and roses. It's a door marked Nevermore, that wasn't there before.

Through medowland toward a closing door, as Johnny Mercer says.

Mozart--I ain't even Johnny Mercer.

I looked myself up in DSM III, and writer isn't in there. There is obsessive-compulsive personality. Someone said Internet addiction is in the new one.

I'm not addicted to the Internet. I was the same way with a $6 typewriter.

And it's not obsessive-compulsive if there's a tangible result to your labors, a worthwhile end, something lasting and fine, and of value.

Of value to whom? I might as well be dry-rubbing my hands, like the hitchhiker in Five Easy Pieces, for all the good writing is doing me, in my career as a writer. On top of the guilt, I feel like a fool.

A fraud.

And pretentious. For calling a congeries of ravings a body of work.

-- Anonymous, May 27, 2000


I don't think you're being selfish at all. I would imagine that you are often working your life and social activities around your husband and his running time. The question I have for you is:

Does your husband make the effort to do things for or with you based on your schedule or your desires?

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2000


I also don't think you're being particularly unreasonable - if his running dominates the plan for the day. So maybe inform him at the beginning of the day if you have something specific you want to do at a certain time, so he has the whole rest of the day to get his run in.

I get this with Tristan and golf. Have something really fun to do for when he's the running man, and occasionally do that when he's not running as well!

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2000


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