Hear ye, hear ye. The Geordie Marra's Court is specially convened to hear a terrible case, a case so heinous that you may first wish to visit the good Dr.Bill in his infirmary for inoculation, lest you contract something even more odious than what you are currently hiding from your loved ones. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I place before you the People versus a group of supporters who, it is alleged, committed the grave offence of failing to recognise that there is only one "United". Now I must in the interests of fairness (ptuh) ask each of you to forget what you have undoubtedly already read in that cradle of illiteracy, the Scotswood Crier, and consider only the evidence as it is loaded, sorry, placed before you. Namely that, on a recent thread on this very bbs, the esteemed Constable Jonno (of our marvellous Thought Police Force) did question whether "United" had been sorely missed from the annual bladder-kicking contest hosted of late by the good burghers of Wembley village (them with the funny accents). Astonishingly - and believe me, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it pains me summat rotten to relate this - certain in our community did fail to realise which "United" our well-respected custodian was patently referring to. If you would kindly cast your eyes towards the defendants' box, cowering before you are the wretches who Bailiff Bobby has (somewhat reluctantly) ceased abusing in the dungeons beneath this very courtroom and dragged up here by that little fold of skin adjacent to the anus. Would the following defendants be upstanding :

Prisoner 'It's me birthday' Jay ; Prisoner ITK (also known by them who mix in the wrong circles as 'Pictures' Ken) ; and the one known simply, and rather chillingly, as SMB.

Order ! Order ! I must insist that you lot up there in the Geordie People's Gallery refrain from using up too quickly all them ripe tomatoes that seem to have been left in bags beneath each of your seats and rather amazingly passed over by our usually eagle-eyed cleaners. May I remind you that this is a court of law - albeit a bit of a kangaroo court - and that as such nobody may chuck anything until Judge 'Skippy' Softie gives the word. Which brings me nicely on to introduce you to your trying, often extremely trying judge (sigh). Now, given the odious nature of these accusations it is essential, if justice is to be served (ptuh), that a man of irreproachable morals and upstanding reputation preside over the case. Unfortunately, Judge Softie has had to step in at short notice, so that's you lot buggered. As you may have heard, old JS isn't exactly renowned for his tolerance of card-bearing Reds, but I would advise you at least to have a stab at saving yourselves from a private 'thrashing' in his sound-proofed chambers before sentences are officially passed down. Before our learned judge joins us in court, just to explain briefly that long, drawn-out trials aren't favoured in this courtroom, so both the case for the prosecution and the defence - should you manage to come up with one that is - should be called out simultaneously. This may continue either until the Judge wakes from his afternoon nap, or it is time for Nanny to draw his bath, whichever comes the sooner. Case for the prosecution is to be led by Constable Jonno, ably supported by any indignant fans wishing to chip in. Case for the defence to be headed by SMB (who did at least make some small noise about it depending on which "United" Jonno was referring to - albeit after assuming that our paragon of virtue probably meant them that play in red). Jay and ITK may of course waste precious oxygen resources by pleading their (weak) cases. Should there be any character witnesses for them - highly unlikely of course, but possible nevertheless - you may of course make a motion in their defence. Please now all rise for the ceremonial entrance of Judge Softie, (this time, hopefully, having remembered his trousers). Let arguments commence.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Answers

Bugger - forgot to disable the cotton pickin email notification thingy. Have emailed Dunx to see if he still can. As you were.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Where and when will the execution be held?

Is there a credit card hotline for ticket booking?

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

If you're looking for a jury, I volunteer. Without hearing the defence, my gut reaction is 'Guilty as hell'

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Defence eh.....I knew we'd missed something!!

oh well next time eh :))

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Is there REALLY another United ? Well I never, you larn summat new ivvory day.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Bailliff, where's my black cap?

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

I assume that this is a Criminal prosecution due to the un-civil nature of the phrase in question.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

I assume that in the absence of the guilty accused we just go on and pass sentence hear the case.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Does it count at all that I was very ill at the time, and high on painkillers to stop the infection spreading??

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

How about if I flutter my eyelashes and smile enticingly???

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Jay,

Please refrain from "fluttering" when addressing the court. Are you representing yourself in this matter or do you have a mug to support you?

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Where have the other defendants absconded to?

They should be hung twice for absconding from this court!

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

I have several 'mugs' all with something about Newcastle on them.

No I will shield myself against these, ghastly and manifestly fallacious allegations.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Gav will be getting to the fellatious allegations later!

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Thats a shame I flutter my eyelashes so well !

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

I'm trying to clean my act up and you lot keep trying to drag me back down into the gutter!

I won't "rise" to that comment Geordie....

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Gav

Your trying to clean up your act? I never noticed !!! ;o)

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Just read ITK's comments on the Corinthean League thread - Hangings to good for him (especially as he's the ring-leader in all this nasty business). His head should be placed on the Tyne Bridge as a warning to others.
Or at the very least he should be docked points in the CL.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

If you count my inability to read properly, then I suppose it's guilty as charged......In my psoting on that thread, I was simply trying to remind people that Softie and The Big Lads would be round on anyone who refered to a certain team by a certain name.....I will really have to learn how to do these tongue in cheek dingbats.....anyone help.

As far as the last Scratchy posting is concerned, sour grapes bonny lad....sour grapes......

I'm on my way t Ux'y in a minute, brick through your front window on the way!

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Save Ken's last posting as evidence!....he's threatening witnesses!!!

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

No he is just helping him out with some problems

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Jay,

Scratchy has sealed himself in the house and is running out of oxygen? so Ken is going to smash the window to save his life before he suffocates?

Hmmm.....that's not gonna stand up in this court of law I'm afraid!!

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

SOoooooooo! USING THE"OLD"I NEVER SEEN IT RIGHT ROUTINE EH!!!!!

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Nah.....you don't understand....I'm letting him have the Season Ticket Book, but need to be able to deliver it.......attached to a brisk seems a good way to me.....any other suggestions.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Letting me have the Season Ticket Book - isn't that classed as cruelty to [dumb] animals?

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Probably.............

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Not as cruel as what he normally does to them though!!

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

So when can I start me defense? Please note I haven't threatened anyone....well not yet anyway!!!

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Ello ello ello.

Constable Jonno 'ere of the BBS Thought Police. I really have no idea why I should be presenting evidence in this court when I could be out catching more villains. The evidence is there for all to see in Black & White (pause for raucous cheering and chants of "There's only one United" to die down).

I hereby present the evidence and hand Exhibit A (the "Did United's absence devalue this year's FA Cup Final?" thread) to the jury. I regret that they may find this evidence somewhat upsetting.

You may choose to believe the odious tissue of lies issued by the defendants or you may do your duty as citizens of the Geordie Republic and find them guilty.

Mind how you go. Evenin' all.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Hang the b@st@ard......................

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Quiet in the public gallery Mrs ITK!! or you'll be up on a charge of contempt!!

For the defendants I would like to say that the title of this thread was almost certainly a deliberate ploy at entrapping people fed up to the back teeth of hearing about "United missing from the Cup" in the national press.....

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

I was sick I tell you Sick !!!!

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Jay,
You're not stagnant, are yuh ? :-)))

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

So your calling me Moribund? Objection he is badgering my witness!!!

;o)

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

As you all know, I'm very touchy on the subject of "United". Therefore in my defence, I wish to point out that I hadn't taken the trouble to read Jonno's posting properly and to my great shame assumed that the aforementioned and estimable Jonno was another one of those annoying creatures who refer to Newton Heath as "United". In my haste I posted a message which has caused great offence to an innocent man.

I wish to metaphorically prostrate myself at Jonno's feet and ask for forgiveness.

Having said that, if I was one the jury I'd say "Hang the B*****D!"

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

M'lud. I must humbly apologise for arriving in this court so late, but due to other equally pressing matters, I have been elsewhere making the case to bring back hanging for one Silvio Maric. But more of that later.....

We must make a sample of these sad individuals. In all my time in football, and I can tell you I have been in football for a few years you know, I have never been more sadenned to see mistakes like those I have seen recently. I mean, you know, paying all that money to Croatia Zagreb was a tapestry, a tapestry of justice and one which I fully intend to put right. To add incest to (feined) injury, I would like to add Mr Maric to the list of defendants for this case. If I could understand what he was saying, I'm sure he must have referred to Newtown Health as United on more than one occasion.

Now where was I? You know I often wonder that. Oh yes, Paris. No, not Paris, despite what you might read in the papers when you go to eat your fish and chips, I have not been to Paris. We've come a long way but not from Paris. Actually, Paris is a very nice place you know. Not unlike Durham. They've both got a catherdral and a river and I'm sure they've a lot more in common too. I was only talking to Alain Domi about Paris, along with Didier Goma. I said it was such a lovely place and they should go to Paris one day and they both said "We?" and I said "Aye" so maybe they will. Anybody want to buy some onions?

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

ROTFLMAO. Wonderful stuff Robby!

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

I was told that this is a kangaroo court as it proceeded in my absence so there for a plea for a miss trial.

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Well and truly flaggerbastard by your (as in 'belongs to you') posting, Jay, but I've had a second read and thank goodness it said ' - badgering my witness' not ' - rodgering my witness'.

Don't want to be adding Utter Contempt for the Niceties and Good Name of the Legal Process to your (as in 'belongs to you') already long list of crimes, previous convictions notwithstanding.

(Is the impression starting to creep in that something is being flogged to death here ?)

10:05 Zulu. Mornin' Gav.

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Now we are talking about public flogging??? What kind of court is this. Move to dismiss????

I will get out of this somehow!! (:,}

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Jay, Do I take it that you'd prefer a private flogging as opposed to a pubic one? If so, I move that this be seen as bribery towards the jury, Judge Softie or anyone else with the remotest interest in this case.

Hang 'em high, I say.

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Nice one Screach..... one of the best slips I've seen for ages!!!

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Would you care to step inside my private Chambers Ms Jay? Mind the manacles and stocks...now where did I put my leather mask?

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Is the pink mask for me or you? Cause I don't wear pink!! and it will clash with your hair. ;o)

And you lot have all got very dirty minds!

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

I haven't washed my mind in years!!

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

And boy does it show !

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Only when you flip his head open!

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000