I am living in Boston to be with my boyfriend of three years, Nick, until he graduates from college next year, though our real home is California. We have been best friends since I was 16 (I am now 22), and have both been in love with each other for most of that time period, as well. My good friends are all in California, as are my two younger sisters, mom, dad, and very loving, connected, huge extended family. In other words, the only thing keeping me in Boston is Nick, and in fact I am already usually pretty homesick, but Nick keeps me sane.

Well, since I am working (graduated in 1999) and he is in school, he has this summer vacation off, and I don't (what would I give for work to be like school, where you get months off at a time!). We talked about his staying in Boston with me and working, but the fact is that he can't afford that. He needs to work without having to spend money on rent, so he can save it for next year's tuition. So he is going home to California for the summer.

He leaves next Monday. This week, until Friday evening, he is visiting friends in New York, so I am getting a taste of how life will be after Monday, when he's gone. I feel pathetic and miserable! I am sitting here in my room crying my eyes out. I shouldn't have admitted that to you all, but it's true. Anyway, I do have some friends in Boston, not enough, but some. But even that isn't a substitute for true love. I'm sure he and I will rack up big phone bills, but the phone isn't the same as in person. I am afraid I will be a piteous wreck this summer. My only feeling of hope comes from the fact that I am going to be getting a baby gecko in the next week or two. So I will have SOMEone to dote upon, anyway. But I still feel like a tragedy has struck my life! Does anyone have any advice for me? I will be so grateful for any tips, or anything, that you all have to offer. I turned to the Xeney forum because I know you guys will take my problem seriously. Thank you so much. Sniffling still,

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2000

Answers

I'm sort of in the same boat. My fiance leaves July 10th for Air Force Officer Training School. He'll be gone for almost three months. We've been together for five years, and I've never been away from him for more than two weeks. I'm already a wreck and he hasn't even left yet. I could use some tips myself.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2000

First of all, look at it this way--in both cases, he's coming back. It's a finite period of time, he won't be gone forever. Count the days if it makes you feel better. That works for me sometimes.

Don't feel pathetic for feeling bad about missing someone you love. It's normal, it's not weird or lame or anything. Just don't let miserableness take over your life. Get out there and do some stuff you've wanted to do but haven't had the chance. Go see some plays, eat at a new restaurant or two, see movies that you want to see, read some books, and have a good time. You'll still miss him, but I think the worst thing you can do is sit around your apartment moping and being sad.

It's just space, and space can be a good thing. Yeah, it's a big change in your daily life, but it's only temporary. In late August, he'll be back. So why not do some things you enjoy while he's not around? I'm sure he wouldn't want you to just sit around being depressed and unhappy all the time, because nobody wants the person they love to be depressed and unhappy.

Just make the most of your time without him and it will pass quickly.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

This is a period of time, with definite parameters. I would look at it as a wonderful opportunity. Yes, I know you think this is the worst, but this is your chance to transform yourself from weepy, girlfriend into an even more independent and interesting individual...and you can do it all with the safety net of knowing you aren't going to be alone for the rest of your life! Voila! Opportunity knocks! Homesickness is a tough thing. You will probably rack up some phone bills. But why not, sometimes, while you are thinking about your boyfriend or mom or friend, concentrate on how wonderful they are, WHY they are so important to you, and write them a letter or make them a card to let them know? The intensity of separation will really allow you to delve into why your relationship(s) are so special. And, express yourself. If financially possible, take a class in something that interests you. How about volunteering someplace, to get your mind of your troubles? And then write a letter, or talk about it and all the other interesting experiences you're having on the phone with your boyfriend! Really things could be worse. It's not like he dumped you hard on your @ss, he just has to leave, for a little while. That said, I know and remember the pain of separation, and of loneliness. Try to make it work for you! Explore your Boston friendships (invite them over for dinner!), care for your gecko, pretend you're in a film where you play the part of the cool young thang in the city! Buy some clothes to help you get into character and walk the streets like you own 'em! Dip into a pool hall and challenge some punks to game, snapping your gum in their faces (okay now I'm getting carried away). When you feel really low, pamper yourself with your favorite foods/movies/activities/bubble bath. Keep busy. Good luck--and just think how awesome it will be when he returns! Try to make this into the Summer of YOU! It might be one of the most gratifying summers of your life!

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

I've been pretty solitary for awhile, for different reasons-still working on. I just started a journal, not sure how it will turn out, I'm a pretty private person so it's hard......Anyway, maybe you'll take comfort that your definately not alone, and you might not realize it now, but you will grow from this. I grew up in Boston, it's a real cool city. Lots to see and do:)

http://dreamwater.com/katrn

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

I grew up in the Greater Boston area and lived there for a few years after college (in fact, I moved there when I was 21), and it is a lovely city. Check out the Isabella Stewart Gardener Museum (if you haven't already) when you are seeking peace and calm. It is a really unique museum....very beautiful esp. at this time of year.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

I gotta agree, Boston is a pretty rad city. No matter what you are into doing, you can find something there. The only problem is that the city shuts down at 10pm, so it seems.

I know how you feel though. I have moved around a lot and spent huge chunks of time in places where I have felt totally isolated and depressed. A friend of mine who was an air force brat said that it generally took two years to really feel comfortable anywhere. I think that varies from person to person. Some people are more extroverted, some people are more introverted. I've known some women that take it for granted that strange men will pay for their dinner, their drinks, their whatever. They can't understand how other people feel nervous about moving to a new city or ever get bored or lonely. I dunno where you are on that scale.

Do you have friends at work? Do you do any other activities where you meet people? I, for one, find going out alone a bit depressing when I live somewhere where I have no friends, but when I have the knowledge that there are a bunch of people who care about me, I tend to have no problem ditching them for a night to go to a lecture or something else they would never be interested in.

If you don't know anyone and you aren't that good at meeting people, remember, there are tons of Xeney and Squishy readers in the Boston area (or maybe just tons who lived there once, I dunno). Perhaps you might want to arrange some sort of small Beth and Pamie appreciation party to get to know some folks. Who knows?

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

I think I speak for Pamie, as well, when I say that if there are going to be Pamie and Beth appreciation parties in venues where we cannot attend, there damn well better be presents. We'll send you our P.O. box addresses.

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Dudes, I am so there. I love Boston! Actually, I really love Cambridge and Somerville, but that's just me. And whoever dogs us for lack of nightlife, I challenge you to hang out with me for a night. I find plenty plenty plenty of nighttime excitement...!

Please, Clem, don't mope. You'll have plenty of togetherness again, in just a short time (what's a hundred days, more or less?) Grand scheme, wide-angle lens, all that.

And if you want to come out and play with me, just drop me a line. I plan on doing some serious kite-flying this summer.

Molly

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Uh, I know I posted twice already but since this is turning into a Boston Love-Fest...I have so many happy memories there from age 21- 24. I know the T shuts down at 12:30am but there are still good times to be had--Molly is correct! I think you two should get together and paint the town red!

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Well, I don't think you need to give up on convincing him to stay yet. Your post said that you two talked about his staying with you, but he could not afford it because he needed to save rent money.

Why would you charge him rent to stay with you? Of course, if you already have roommates I see how he cannot just crash with you. If you don't have roommates, question his motives on leaving for CA.

By the way, congrats to you for not already living together. Too many people these days like playing house.

I doubt this helps any, but good luck. I bet you have a darn good time up there though.

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

By the way, congrats to you for not already living together. Too many people these days like playing house.

Actually, I believe she said they were living together. But this post sounds like a troll if I ever heard one, so you don't need to elaborate.

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

I have some experience with this, although I was the one staying home and my then-partner was the one living away. When I was in university, my partner was doing a 'co-op' degree, which meant they alternated school terms with terms of work experience, in four- month shifts. There were three work terms. For the first one, he took a job in Moncton, which is in another province but is only about a four-hour drive from here. Neither of us had a car, but he managed to get home almost every weekend anyway, with friends or by taking the train. The second work term was in Ottawa, a two-day drive from here, so I saw him only once, when I took a few days around Thanksgiving weekend to fly up. The third work term I was able to go with him.

Now I wasn't alone in a strange city, but many of my friends were away at school. I'm afraid I didn't cope terribly well, though I did find some things to distract myself with. I got very involved with a volunteer organization, in addition to classes and so forth, and that really helped. I could control how much time I spent there, to a certain extent, so whenever I was feeling lonely I would go down and put in some time. If there's a cause you feel passionate about (or even mildly interested in) it might be an idea to get involved with it - you can meet people and do useful stuff and at a minimum it passes the time.

Joanne (Parietal Pericardium)

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Thanks for the advice so far, everyone. I am already volunteering and taking classes, but I still end up spending time at home by myself and it feels really lonely. I just need to go out and get some local friends is all, I guess. It's hard for me to make friends out of a school or work context. I'm working on the work friends thing. I have friends-at-work, but I don't know how to take the step to make them friends-outside-of-work as well.

Thanks for the tips on Boston, Erica and others.

I guess I don't know what I was looking for, advice-wise, but I realize that no bit of advice can really tell me anything I don't already know: I need to get busy and try to have fun, or the summer will be awful. I really liked the idea about the Summer of YOU. Thanks again everyone! Any more tips/advice will be very appreciated.

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Clementine,

I'm sending you some additional advice off-board, but I definitely second the idea of taking classes.

I made some friends that way between my junior and senior years of college when I was VERY very alone at home right after my boyfriend dumped me.

I'd also consider joining a group sport activity, like softball - try a local league, or local gym or something like that.

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Okay email away ... and here's some more:)

I've survived and also bombed long-distance relationships -- here are some quick and dirty tips from my (not-so-extensive experience):

* Letters. Write letters. There's nothing much that matches opening up a letter from a loved one far away IMHO, ... revive the old- fashioned tradition of sending and receiving love letters ... it could help deepen your relationship.

* E-mail. On the hard-nosed front, try to get by with email instead of phone calls, or all that money he's saving on rent will wind up in the phone bill. Limit phone calls to one a week, or at least to the night time hours

* Visit. If you're really desperate and you have the cash or miles saved up, try to visit once during the time apart -- like maybe July 4th to celebrate together. (This was easy when I was in PA and he was in MA ... it's not so easy when he's in CA and you're in MA, or as in my case, he was in PA and I was in Switzerland)

* Mementoes. Give him something to remind him of you -- this may sound cheesy, but I gave my BF my childhood teddy bear to sit on his bed every night.

* Care packages. Send each other "care packages" with bits and pieces of your lives in them (like ticket stub collages and pictures, dried flowers, a playbook etc.) -- this will help make what each of you is doing seem more concrete and real to the other while you're apart.

* Mix tapes! Add your own voices as DJ and send your favorite songs to each other, with commentary, or send a letter on tape with a little bit of music thrown in.

* Emergencies. When all else fails, call him, and don't feel bad about it either.

* Friends n' Fun. Like folks have been sayin' git out o' the house and hang with some buddies. Have some fun by yourself:)

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

One person has already mentioned that the apart-time for you guys roughly corresponds to 100 days. You could probably come up with quite a few projects to do using that 100 days as a reference... write a page a day and you've got a screenplay...

basically *anything* you have *ever* wanted to do or try can either be accomplished or well under way over the course of 100 days. And if you choose enough projects, you can fill your time nicely: before work ,go to yoga or karate or tend your herbgarden or complete a writing exercise, then go to work, then go to class, then come home at 8 or 9 and either go out to a movie (at Coolidge Corner or the Brattle: support the indie arts!) or check out some band you've never heard of at the Middle East, or stay home and work on a creative project or practice your Mandarin or refinish the furniture you bought at Hadassah Bargains the previous weekend or cook some experimental recipe and have a few nice people from work over to try it or meet up in a safe place with some cool local internet mates...

And on the weekends you should take the bus to Gloucester and CapeCod and Nantucket and Bar Harbor and NYC.

Not to say that you won't be lonely or sad or feel like your apartment is too quiet, but if you are involved enough in a few different projects, it becomes harder to veg in front of TV waiting til the phone rates go down.

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Post number 4...the love is strong. I'm getting really sentimental: yes, check out Coolidge Corner! I remember it so fondly. My very first apartment was in Brookline (eventually the high-ish rents drove me up to Brighton). There was a great consignment shop on Beacon Street (heading toward Brighton) where I got all my work clothes for cheap. Somerville/Cambridge is more hip/young...very cool...good bars and music. Clementine, re: deepening work friendships. In my experience, nothing greases the wheels like booze. Actually, work was a big part of my social life when I first got to Boston. Go out for drinks sometime with some people you like from work. You don't have to get wasted (unless you want to!)...conversation over relaxing beer or 2 might be just the thing. Especially nice in the summer, in a bar with outdoor seating.

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Ooh, here's a nice message I got from Jeff, above:

And FWIW, I did not post on your board that YOU were a troll after seeing your pics.

There was more, but I'll just post this so he doesn't have to sound like such an idiot the next time -- a troll is a post designed to stir up controversy and piss people off, which Jeff's post about playing house clearly was, since Clementine didn't ask his opinion about living arrangements or marriage. And especially since he posted it on a forum run by someone who lives in sin.

Bye, Jeff.

-- Anonymous, May 25, 2000

Clementine, married to somebody who is frequently away I can understand the miserableness of it - Tristan was away for a total of three months of our first year of marriage, and is about to leave for another two week trip on Sunday. Boo.

The only thing to do is to try and turn it into positive time by doing the things you don't get the chance to do as much when your man is around. For me, that usually means watching crappy TV, seeing friends he finds tiring in large doses, and getting pissed with my workmates far more often.

Maybe finding one cool, meaty project to spend some time on might help? Redecorate your living room, make a quilt, start writing a book ... it could help to pass the time.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2000