IN THE PSYCHIATRIST'S BED

For the third year in a row, Alan Shearer will be spending Cup final Saturday doing nothing. The England skipper did have a trip to Creosote World marked down in his diary, but sadly it's closed for refurbishment - one coat is never really enough, is it? Ever resourceful, Shearer has instead chosen to fill up his idle hours by giving interviews to the press, interviews that provide a revealing insight into the mind of the Geordie enigma.

With all eyes on some round robin in Holland or other, Shearer made his first shocking revelation by confessing he doesn't like penalty shoot-outs all that much. "There are not many times when I get nervous, but I do a little bit with penalties," said Shearer, whom many Newcastle fans are actually convinced is made of iron ore. "There's pressure standing there with thousands of people watching you in the stadium and at home on television," he went on. "You have to pick your side and not change it and try to get a bit of pace behind it."

The thought of a 'Shearer in self-doubt shocker' headline caused the majority of the press pack to collapse at this point. But those who remained afoot saw Alan air his views on the 'hooligan problem'. "It was very unfortunate the other night, they're certainly not nice things," he said. "It isn't nice for our game and it isn't nice for England as a whole." So, after years of uncertainty, we now know that Alan Shearer places his penalties and likes people to be nice. Remember, you read it here first.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

Answers

These same arseholes presumably worked themselves into a nationalistic frenzy over the Turks and now prepare for Euro 2000 by ripping into the England Captain. What it must be like to be burdened with moral fibre...

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

THE SECRET TRANSFER DIARY OF BOBBY ROBSON, AGED 67

Yesterday On club tour in balmy Trinidad & Tobago. Had depressing chat with Tecos Guadalajara about midfielder Roberto Palacios. Find out he plays for Peru. Cah! I'm not landing myself with another player like Nobby Solano who's always away on international duty. Flipping South America. Decide to leave for Europe.

Today On plane to Paris for tomorrow's Big Cup final. Note that Atletico Madrid striker Kiko is available for #4.5m. Consider talking to representatives tomorrow and making bid. Doze off for a while, dreaming of a #3m offer for Benfica midfielder Calado, and the secret deal for a big-name European striker which people say I'm keeping under my hat. Wake up, tittering.

Today (later) Still on plane. A bit bored, so speak to Portuguese FA on new-fangled jet phone. Push them on decision over defender Fernando Meira, who has walked out on Vitoria Guimaraes in a row over wages and may be a free agent. But if the Portuguese FA decide he's still under contract, he'll cost me #2.5m. They can whistle.

Today (even later) Been on this plane far too long. Where's Paris? Become agitated when bids for Blackburn pair Damien Duff and Matt Jansen are turned down. Bah! That's it! Decide Fulham can go to hell if they want Didier Domi in exchange for Lee Clark. And as for this irritating Hugh Grant film they're showing... stewardess!

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Sorry, in reference to the above posting.......can anyone tell me why we are buying players from Tesco's.....I thought the only players they sold come in packs of twenty, are untipped and are not good for you, ah right....I see....that why!

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000