I've had enough- I'm resigning

greenspun.com : LUSENET : Unofficial Newcastle United Football Club BBS : One Thread

Just look what we've been forwarded by our 'Human Resources' section at work. I mean, I know our relatives had it tough down the pit and that but they surely never had to put up with this

Memo: All Staff Changes to Policy and Procedures Manual for all permanent and contract staff (immediate effect)

SICKNESS LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

TOILET USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in toilets. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We aim to provide a positive employment experience.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

Answers

Hey Loony.....I didn't realise you also worked for the BBC!

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2000

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