Mind over matter, I tell myself.

Are we, as a society, force fed a bunch of garbage that we do not need in our minds about how we need to be the "perfect size 4" to be happy, loved and have a decent job and/or homelife? I watch movies. I read magazines. I go to the mall. In all of these areas I see a bunch of 16-year-old models with their ribs sticking so far out of their sides that I could actually play the xylophone on them. In a way it bothers me to think that the young girls are "taught" that in order to be successful or desirable, that they need to look like this.

I would give just about anything to be a perfect size 4, however. Granted, I am not overweight (I am 5'6" and 133 lbs as of the last time I went to the doctor two weeks ago) but I wish I could be thinner. I wish I could look like the models that I see in the movies.

How do we teach girls and women, myself included, that we don't all have to look like models to be desirable? And how can everyone that is unhappy with their bodies (even if they're not overweight) become happy with them without risking their health?

Oy. I need to hire a personal trainer and stop whining. *Laughs*

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Answers

Oof, Meg, such questions. Very hard questions, no easy answers.

It's not just girls and women now, either, the boys are getting in on it. High school (and younger!) boys abusing steroids and developing eating disorders.

I suppose we adults have to try to mold the attitudes of any children in our spheres of influence by showing acceptance of our *own* bodies and leading by example. We could concentrate on what our bodies can do (run a mile, bear a healthy child, whatever you're proud of), instead of merely what they look like. We could keep telling ourselves, over and over and over, that the *models* in the magazines don't look like those pictures - they're computer-adjusted like crazy!

Of course, outlawing "No Fat Chicks" bumper stickers would also be a step in the right direction.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Up until recently, I felt quite strongly that the drive to be thin was really harmful and evil, and that one should speak out against it, and be vigillante in one's mindset and so on. I still feel fairly political about the whole thing, but I've mellowed a bit as a result of having been somewhat forced to get obsessive about my weight. Not for appearance, but for health reasons - I have never been noticably overweight, but when I was in university I gained about sixty pounds. I also grew two inches, so this is not as bad as it sounds. In the past two years, after finding out that my cholesterol is sky-high, I've been making an effort to eat properly and exercise and all those things, and have lost forty pounds. I want to lose ten more, to be the medically optimum weight for lowering my cholesterol levels.

I am really uncomfortable with how much, and how often, I think about food and weight now. My political side screams in frustration.

I think part of the problem with this ideal figure thing is that most North Americans really are overweight, so it's easy to confuse the medical problem of an overweight population with the social problem of an overly-thin-obsessed population. The former is a real problem; the latter a manufactured one.

I also think body image is a more far-reaching problem for girls than just weight issues, because it gets all mixed up with being female. I am fertile, therefore I have hips and thighs. I have very attractive hips and thighs, by any objective viewpoint, but I spent my teen years hating them. It's craziness that we teach our children that the ideal is a prepubescent body. But, I knew that as a teen and I hated my body anyway.

Solutions? I don't know. Media has to be a part of it, since they've done so much to create the problem - but it isn't enough to talk about it, we have to change the images with which we're bombarded. More Minnie Driver, less Twiggy. Dammit.

Joanne (Parietal Pericardium)

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

No matter what, in life we will all repeatedly be confronted with the message that we don't measure up. The key is to have a healthy, balanced set of goals and to be able to dismiss unhelpful criticism.

Unfortunately, as far as I know there's no magic formula for acquiring this ability.

I was actually thinking about this while reading several other forum topics about criticizing people's diaries. Some people find criticism of their online diaries to be devastating, and thus feel that criticing diarists publicly is cruel.

I, on the other hand, am not so sensitive. I am arrogant enough to think that I'm a pretty cool person with a pretty cool diary, and anyone who doesn't agree with that must obviously be jealous or stupid or something. That being said, I know I'm not perfect, and people have made valid criticisms of me and my work, but for the most part, I'm OK.

I also have pretty much the same attitude about societal messages about thinness. If anyone expected me to look like Kate Moss, I'd think they were stupid. In order to be that thin, I'd have to starve myself constantly and I'd be too hungry to get anything productive done.

Again, having said that, I wish I had more time to exercise and eat right and I wouldn't mind losing 10 pounds or so in that way, because I know I'd be healthier and have more energy, and I'd look better, too.

I guess my point is that self-esteem seems to be the only real manipulable element of the equation.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Not to detract from all of the valid points presented so far, but I think that some of people's desire to be perfect in appearance is no different from the desire to be perfect in school or at work or as a parent.

Basically, most of us strive to be perfect. Being perfect is not about originality or achievement; it's about being exact. And in the looks department, it's about conforming exactly to the standard.

So, what is the standard? There's just no denying (I think!) that zits are less pretty than smooth, clear skin. They stand out, after all. So, skin can be any color so long as it's clear. We're allowed variation in our hair so long as it doesn't start to look unhealthy (by being greasy or dry or frizzy). As far as weight, I think people are accepting of both slimness and muscle, but fat that is dimpled or jiggly or much larger than looks proper on someone's frame... quite simply, it stands out. And if it stands out, it can't be perfect.

And we all can tell from toddlerhood when things stand out. Kids are very curious when girls look like boys and when someone is much, much bigger than mommy. I don't think it can be stopped, and I'm not so sure it's "society" at work. In Japan, they think Caucasian noses are big -- it isn't their society doing that; they just don't see noses like that very often, so when they do, it looks weird.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Interestingly enough, this morning on the way to work the other day I saw a bumper sticker on the back of a huge black chevy tahoe and this is what is read:

SAVE A LIFE
feed an actress

The driver was a buff, tan, high *drool* factor, male and yes, it did take most my will power not to follow him.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

OOPS
That should have read..."this one morning on the way to work the other day... "

someone just shoot me - now - grammar hell tis I/

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Here's my advice, free for y'all today.

If you find yourself thinking about how much better life would be if you lost weight, think about this instead: What if you lost your legs? Or what if you were in a car accident and your face required reconstructive surgery but it didn't come out too well? Or what if you got some disease that disfigured your skin?

Would you sit around thinking, "Sigh! Now I wish I could [have normal skin/have a symmetrical face/regain my legs] AND lose weight!" Or would you just be glad you were still alive, because you have so much going for you in life that you'd hate to lose it?

Here's another way I like to look at this issue. When you're old and no one cares about your looks and little kids ask you what you did at the turn of the century, what will you say? Will you tell them all about your job or hobbies or the causes you fought for? Or will you have to say, "Well, I spent most of my life wishing I looked different"?

I find that people obsessed with physical appearance tend to flock together. It's pretty easy for the rest of us to ignore them and enjoy our lives.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

Ummm, to me... Minnie Driver is pretty sickly looking as well.

I say more Kate Winslets, Amber Bensons and Kate Dillons.

ESPECIALLY more Kate Dillons.

I'm 5'6 1/2" and weigh 195 lbs. I'm a size 16. A year and a half ago I was almost 250 lbs and a size 22. I don't feel any different, and I don't think I look any different in the mirror. I can see it in pictures sometimes, but my body image is so completely fucked that even if I do lose the other 55 I'll still think I'm fat. Clothes will always fit me funny because of my preposterously large breasts. It's a fact I'm going to have to deal with.

I suppose we should realise that we're blessed to even have a functioning body with arms and legs, and stop worrying so much about how "attractive" it is... but that's kind of hard with American media these days.

It comes down to loving yourself. If that means finally accepting your body, then great. If it means going to the gym and making it into something you can love, then go for it.

And I still say more Kate Dillons.

In my bed if possible.

- M

-- Anonymous, May 20, 2000