I find myself approaching my 35th birthday having just ended a relationship that I had been hoping would be permanent. I do *think* that I want to have a child, but not entirely sure that I want to do it all on my own. Soliciting opinions re: single parenting, adoption VS artificial insemination VS calling up old ex BF to donate some sperm, only children pro VS con and, finally, kid VS getting (another) dog.

Have at it!!!

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Answers

I don't have kids and never wanted them, but I do think that you should *not* have a child unless you're *sure* you want a child. The fact that you only "think" you want one and that you're not sure you'd want to raise one alone tells me you probably shouldn't do it now, birthday or not. My opinion: get a dog.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

I have no idea where I fall in the spectrum of things, but I wanted to ask a question of the parents out there. A lot of people say (and I have always thought, so no disrespect meant to the previous poster) that you shouldn't have a baby unless you know you want one. But most of the parents I know weren't 100% sure and say that you are rarely 100% sure -- that you always have doubts about your fitness for parenthood, and that it's not that black and white.

So, did you know without a doubt that you wanted kids, or did kids kind of happen and now you wouldn't give them up for the world? This question is assuming you are a good parent, of course :)

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

I agree that nobody is 100% sure about wanting kids, even if they're glad when they have them.

However, I think it's wrong to have a child on your own. Kids need two parents. I'm not talking about "male influence" or something, but the idea that the parents are a tag team who help each other and balance each other's styles of parenting. Everything's harder without another person to have an income, comfort a colicy baby, drive the kid to soccer practice. Yeah, I know lots of marriages break up and non custodial parents drift out of their kids' lives, but I think it's wrong to start out with that scenario.

Get another dog...

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

To my surprise, I disagree with Lizzie. A friend of mine adopted a Russian baby by herself -- she lives miles from friends and family. She's exhausted but having a great time, and baby is prospering. So, maybe the single mother thing can be a good idea.

I wasn't 100% sure before my wife and I started trying for a baby, and now my favorite thing in the world is my son -- I don't know if there's any way to predict in advance what your reaction will be. I was steeled to feel resentment against our new baby for taking over my life, and instead I found that I was very protcective of him. Not to say I never have a resentful moment, but we definitely did the right thing having a baby.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

I agree with Tom. I have several friends who planned to be single parents, and they're all doing well. They each had plenty of money, a work schedule that would permit them to spend a lot of time with their child without having to use much daycare once the child was in school, supportive parents and friends, and a good understanding of why they were adopting a child.

I think there is a difference between winding up a single parent by accident, when you might not be prepared for it, and arranging your life so you can give a home to a child without killing yourself. Not that it's ever easy, but it's got to be easier to be a planned single parent than one who didn't plant things that way.

I have a friend who is in her mid forties, knew she was unlikely to get married in the near future, wanted a child, and adopted a mix raced child. She gave a home to a child who might otherwise have languished in foster care, she is a wonderful mother, and if her daughter feels the lack of a father or other caretaker in her life, well, I'd say it's nothing compared to the lack she would have felt growing up in the system. I just don't see the downside here.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

As a child raised by a single mother, I have to agree with those who are saying that a planned single parenthood probably wouldn't be at all bad. I did not feel as though I were "lacking" a father growing up, and had my mother been financially stable and prepared for a baby before having me, it would have made my early years a lot easier on her. The effect on me, on the other hand, was fine - I never doubted I was loved and I feel that I had a good childhood. So if you're in a good financial position and know you'll be able to dedicate the necessary time to having a child, then i say go for it.

I was also (sort of) an only child, which also was perfectly fine by me. I actually have 3 half siblings that I love to death, so I know the pros and cons of both sides, and really, I think that only children are no more lonely or affected than children with siblings, regardless of the parenting mags that might say otherwise.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Right or wrong, I will tell you that it's hard doing it alone, but not impossible, and I think if you start out on your own, you should probably do a bit better job of it than someone who starts out with a partner. I never realized just how much my husband did with my son until he got a night job and I literally had to do everything.

It would be my advice to be as certain as you can be, and I would get anonymously donated sperm to prevent a possible, nasty dust-up about custody at some point in the future.

But, you know, dogs are nice too. :)

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Single parenting...it's hard work. But if you really want a child, and can't stand to wait on the chance you'll get married in a few years, I wouldn't fault you for it. Adoption would be my first vote- give a home to a child who needs one, an older child avoids the problems of dealing with infancy (probably). Anonymous sperm would be best if you must give birth- you don't want to deal with the father coming into your life and trying to take your kid away (my friend's having that problem now. He's winning.) I'm an only child, and I personally love it. Plus it's simpler to deal with one. Just try not to spoil him/her too much, I'd say. And if you have siblings with children, you can borrow them for psuedo-brothers/sisters.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

I also think single people can be brilliant parents. The traditional family unit is by no means the best or only option, as the number of fucked up 'traditional' families prove.

I also have no problems at all with gay/lesbian couples or individuals raising children. The most important element is what the parent themselves are like, not what their circumstances are.

As far as when you know it's time to have a child - I've thought about this a lot (regular readers may recall I was asking baby- related questions a month or so ago), and I've come to the conclusion that you know it's the right time when you can't not have a child - when the desire to have one consumes you day and night. It's not really enough to just kind of think you fancy the idea.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

What the last N people said ... In some Northern European countries the state pays child support to all mothers, married or single. This is part of a campaign to get (white) women to reproduce to keep the population from shrinking and us foreigners from taking over. Thus there are quite a lot of nontraditional families around (I think the president of Finland is a single mother, for one), and the children don't seem at all disturbed by it. And crime rates are lower than in the US, and all that.

When the Murphy Brown thing broke, the NYT ran a column by a single mother listing all the disadvantages: "Think what you will tell your child when it asks, Why don't I have a father?" But actually it might never ask. Kids just accept that their world must be normal. My mother was born into a blended, Brady-bunch-type family and never realized it until she was grown up, even though the kids had different last names.

I don't know about sperm from strangers. It seems to me that one advantage of being born to people you're genetically related to is that they will recognize your inherited quirks and be pre-adapted to accept them. But of course it can go the other way, they can hate it when they see their faults in you, and a partially clean slate might be better.

I'm also 35, and I'm not a kid person, myself, but if I were, I'd be in the same place you are.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

I'm buggering around this afternoon, and I just found this test ...Are you ready to be a Mum?

It tells me that yes, I am ready. (cue the hollow laughter)

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

Cute test. Here's what it said about me, the baby-hater:

Looks like you're almost ready to change your name to "mommy," but you've got a few hesitations battling those inclinations. It's important that you recognize those concerns. Are you worried about not knowing how to be a mom, or is it that you might not be ready to turn your life upside-down just yet? If it's the former, then put your mind at ease. Once you've got the maternal instincts - and a great support network - then the rest will come naturally. No one knows how to do it until they're actually put in the situation. So, don't let that be your sole deterrent. However, if you are concerned that you are not emotionally ready, or not too keen on restructuring your lifestyle, then maybe it's a good idea to hold off for a bit. On the other hand, does the thought of knowing all the words to the latest children's songs make you giddy? Do you browse through Baby Gap just to see how tiny jeans and sweaters can be? Does watching a toddler dance erase your stresses for the moment? If your answers are "yes," you just might be ready to purchase that baby carriage and get busy in the bedroom!

I hope Jeremy doesn't read this. Okay, never mind, I just took the test for him (he's sitting behind me and I asked him the questions), and he got the same result -- which is odd considering that his answer to the diaper thing was "eww," and he doesn't think babies are very cute. But he's less of a worrier and he's more financially stable, so maybe it all worked out.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

Beth that's what I got as well.... I answered honestly, which means I need a fair amount of sleep, I'm a bit of a worrier and I like a clean and organised environment. Wonder if you have to be a mass murderer or somesuch to get a negative result!

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

This is totally bizarre- I told it I need a lot of sleep, am uncomfortable with body functions, am not ready to put someone else's needs ahead of mine, and it still said:

Part of you is ready to be called "mommy," and part is ready to run and hide. Looks like you've got some strong hesitations battling those inclinations. It's important that you recognize these concerns. Kids might be in your plans, and you might soon be bursting with maternal instincts. But, it looks like right now might not be the best time. Are you worried about not knowing how to be a mom, or is it that you're not ready to turn your life upside-down? If it's the former, then put your mind at ease. If you've got the maternal instincts - and a great support network - the rest will come naturally. If, however, you are concerned about not having your life to yourself anymore, then you should hold off for a while. Does the thought of getting up in the middle of the night to appease a screaming baby make you cringe? Is spontaneity a necessity in your life? Does the idea of your body going through many drastic - and probably uncomfortable - changes a huge turn off? If you answered "yes" to these questions, then you are probably not ready to take the leap. You never want to rush into having a baby. If you wait till the right time, your focus will be on the joy that it brings, rather than the inconveniences.

I guess they assume that if you take the test, you have some interest in having a baby.

I'm an only child and I think it's great. I don't even understand the impulse to have more than one. Mom, dad and child seem like the perfect family to me.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

That test told me I was "almost ready!" Good God.

I've had these personality tests be wrong before, but, sheesh. This is the "mother of all wrong." So to speak.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

Part of you is ready to be called "mommy," and part is ready to run and hide. Looks like you've got some strong hesitations battling those inclinations.

Wow, that's uncannily accurate. Please excuse me, I have to go drag my six year old out of the garden. . .

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000

Ha! It told me I'm almost ready to be a mommy to. Hmmm. That bodes ill.

I honestly don't think anyone can ever be 100% ready to be a parent. Okay, maybe there are a few. A *very* few. Everyone else has doubts.

I've found having a partner invaluable for taking care of the baby and not going insane, but I have friends who've done it by themselves with good support systems.

-- Anonymous, May 20, 2000

Well, in response to the original question, I just have to say that any planned parenthood--single or otherwise--is parenthood that is already starting on a strong foundation.

As for the quiz, I received what Beth received, which is what I thought I would received. Okay, maybe it's already skewed to have a guy take this quiz since I won't be the one giving birth or having to go through physical changes. Theodore and I will have to adopt if we do this.

Though we talk about it all the time.......

-- Anonymous, May 21, 2000

I am the proud parent of a nine month old girl whom I adore. I was nervous agreeing to become a papa, but after 3 years of my wife begging I relented. I have never been happier! I learned there is never a "perfect" time to plan for a baby, there is always a reason later might be better - more money saved, promotion, travel you want to do first, etc. However, the joy of a child will dwarf anything that you can imagine, and did dwarf any reason I was putting up in delaying to have a child. A friend told my wife that a child fills a hole in your heart you never knew you had. That is about the best way one can explain what my wife and I have felt.

I also think that it is a terribly selfish, self-centered act to get pregnant to have a baby without being married and being able to provide a stable 2 parent home. That child needs the balance that comes from people having to agree on how to raise that child, and needs to have both masculine and feminine influences. If you have to plan on being a single parent, at least adopt a child so they can have a better life than what they are destined for- assuming, of course, that the home you can provide beats what they are already in. But, i find it questionable to bring a new life into this world just to ship them off to a daytime holding facilty until you can pick them up at 6pm at night - a whole hour before the child's bedtime? Does not sound loving to me ...

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2000

Just a thought, Jeff- even if you decide to have a kid specifically because you're married, that by no means guarantees that someday you won't end up raising the child alone.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2000

Obviously it's true that anyone having a child in a stable marriage could still find themself raising their child alone, but at least you're starting out on the right foot.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2000

I have perspective on a couple different angles with this.

I'm a lesbian, and as such, the decision to have a child is not one that can be made on a whim, and obviously, not something that can happen by accident.

I absolutely disagree that it is necessary to have two present parents in order to rear a child properly. Absolutely not. I don't even know that this is the ideal. I don't plan on having kids, but I do plan to be involved in the upbringing of a child. A friend of mine is considering getting pregnant, sometime in the very near future. She is single. She has many many friends. Friends who want to help her raise the child, give the child more experiences than just this one woman, or this woman partnered with another woman, or a man could give it.

She will be the child's mother. One of my friends is big into outdoors, she will teach the child about camping, nature, the environment. I will teach the child about using computers and the internet and how to swim like a fish. The baseball playing friend will teach the child how to catch. The editor friend will teach it about the joy of reading and writing. The mechanic friend will teach the kid about cars. The child will have one mother who will nurse it and put it to bed and do all the things that mothers do. We will ALL love the child and discipline the child fight over who gets to babysit next.

There is no one proper structure in which to raise a child. I'm not even going to go in to the whole "one feminine parent and one masculine one".

Then, on a more personal note, I don't recommend having just one child. Every single expectation your parent(s) have for their children? All you. You get in a fight with your parents? Nobody on your side. Sure you get all the attention your parents would spend on a child, but sometimes, you don't want that...

I don't remember being extraordinarily lonely, but I definitely remember wishing quite often that I had a brother or sister...

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2000

I think 2 parents is optimal...but who knows what sort of card life is going to deal? People die, get divorced, etc.

I don't think family friends can ever take the place of parents. I think it's great that friends may teach a child to swim, read, cook, etc., but that's not being a parent. That's being a buddy.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2000

i must adamantly agree with kim. i was essentially raised by my mother following her and my fathers divorce. i have have mostly been surrounded by women throughout my life, partly by choice and partly by sheer coincidence. i feel extremely fortunate for my one physically ever-present parent. and i don't feel the least bit cheated that male influences in my life have been minimal.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2000

And I disagree with Kim. I think it does take a village to raise a child, and every child should have his/her parents' friends to teach throwing a baseball, fishing, what have you.

But those are buddies, not parents. They can't make decisions about the child (and they shouldn't) and they aren't responsible for the child.

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2000

I am a bit bemused, I have read the foregoing, most everything was practical, sensible and the weighing of "should I," "shouldn't I" was obviously thought out.

The thing I did not see was the mention of the deep seated, driving urge to have and LOVE progeny, to see and help them grow and become little people, then big people and then people who you enjoy talking with eye to eye as equals.

Maybe I am a man who has lost his way in a woman's world ?

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2000

On only childhood... (re: Kim) Just because you have a sibling doesn't mean you have someone on your side all the time. Heck, with almost all siblings I know it means you have someone else against you to fight with.

I will second the "all hopes and expectations" bit though. Not that I'm doing badly there, but my mother wants grandkids, and I really, really don't want to give them to her. Argh =( And that will especially suck if I ever marry an only child in the same situation.

Though from what I've seen of my aunt and her kids, just because one had a baby doesn't mean she won't continually harass the other one to have one too. (He finally conformed.)

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2000

It's true that some people have the deep seated urge to have a child, as Doug mentions.

But I think that sometimes the right thing to do is to acknowledge that circumstances aren't right for you to actually go ahead and do something about those urges. I mean, that's the difference between humans and animals.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Since there's no shortage of people, I think whatever choice a person makes re having children is to be respected.

I feel for only children whose parents are pressuring them for grandchildren. It's clearly an unpleasant situation--and certainly a terrible reason to have kids.

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Having grown up with both parents in the home, I felt like a freak, since it was like I was the only kid who's parents weren't divorced. So, maybe folks deliberately becoming single parents will not (as the family values people say) bring about doom and damnation. However, I must admit to feeling the presence of a kindred spirit when I read a Joe Bob Briggs column about how so many women planning on raising boys without a constant male presence are in for a bad surprise. As he said, "you have to have been that animal to raise that animal. My 2 cents. Ed

-- Anonymous, May 23, 2000

Well, I wouldn't mind so much having to give her grandchildren as long as _I_ didn't have to raise them...but I don't think she'll go for it, somehow.

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000