I'm gonna have to do these one by one cos of the formatting :(( I can't be arsed to go putting tags on every line!!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Answers

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me ."

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:

Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."

The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000