Absolutely classic :)) sorry bout the formatting

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." > The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard" > --------------------------------------------- > Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other > > "Does this taste funny to you?" > --------------------------------------------- > Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,the other was eating fireworks. > They charged one and let the other one off. > --------------------------------------------- > A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. > He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. > Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' > 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' > --------------------------------------------- > "Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. > But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in. > --------------------------------------------- > "He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. > I thought "That's a turn-up for the books." > --------------------------------------------- > "And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. > I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' > He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.' > ---------------------------------------------- > "So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. > He said Hundreds & thousands?' > I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.' > ---------------------------------------------- > I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' > He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' > I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' > I said (camply) 'Make your mind up.' > ----------------------------------------------- > So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." > I said "Why?" > He said "My dog's died.'" > ------------------------------------------------ > "Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? > The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. > And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing > cabinet.'" > ------------------------------------------------ > "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' > And a voice said 'You are.'" > ------------------------------------------------ > "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' > He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'" > ------------------------------------------------ > "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' > He said 'I'm not stopping you.' > ------------------------------------------------ > "Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. > And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. > It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin." > ------------------------------------------------- > "So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. > And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' > And I swerved again. > He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. > And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2000

Answers

Oh my god....the formatting came out worse than I first thought!!

How the hell do you force carriage returns in this text box???

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2000

Less than sign 'br' greater than sign.

For a new paragraph: less than 'p' greater than.

Don't include the quotation marks!

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2000

Cheers Softie ;)

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2000

A man walked into a bar - ouch! - it was an iron bar.

I've only got to imagine him standing on stage laughing like a maniac to start falling about myself. Sadly missed.

-- Anonymous, May 18, 2000