My favourite author, Terry Pratchett (the funniest guy on the planet) writes about a fantasy world (the Diskworld) and in this world is the city of Ankh-Morpork, the roughest, smelliest, most money-grabbing, cosmopolitan place there has ever been, and the inhabitents love it with a passion.

Now many Dwarves have left the gold mines to seek their fortune(???) in this strange city. Stay with me!

These Dwarves, who at home, think of nothing but gold and are teatotal, and polite to everyone arrive in Ankh-Morpork and a strange think happens.....

Three weeks later they've changed their name from Byorn Littlefellow to Glod Battleaxe or eric Warhammer and are to be found in full battle armour, axe in belt, propping up the Dwarfish bars in Ankh-Morpork, singing war songs and fighting with anything that moves.

Now this made me think about the BBS and my friend Screacher in particular.

Most of you have probably met him and talked to him. He is polite, well spoken, ,and is hardly ever heard to utter a word of Geordie slang. Well have you read his postings??????

"Bliddy" this and "Gaan doon the Toon" that and "Howay canny man" the other!

Yes this gentle man of learning is transformed into a pure Ankh-Morpork Dwarf!

And I have to say he's not the only one. I myself have been known to post in broad Geordie on more than one occasion.

Is this phenomonon purely a BBS thing or is it because most of us are exiles, denied the daily aural contact with our beloved twang???

Does anyone know where I can buy a double-headed axe?

Stottie Cuddiechewa

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2000

Answers

Aah divvent knaa wot ya taakin' aboot man. Pull yersel' tigetha lyuk. Aah think ye need a hol'dy.

Actually - I think you are quite correct in your last hypothesis. Living so far away from Go'd's Own Country here near ManUreland, I am surrounded by Heathen (sic) who could not begin to understand the delicate tones of a Geordie in full flight. Reverting to written dialect (I just finished reading an old book I found at home - sorry, hyem - called "Larn Yersel' Geordie. It always makes me chuckle) is a form of escapism, back to one's roots.

Aah blame me owd marra Jonno. He's a dab hand lyuk at written Geordie. Wheyaye, yebuggermar - Hoosgannintithematch?

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Larn yersel Geordie is pure class Screach , got the vinyl version with Mike Neville narrating .. when you're feeling homesick just the tonic : - ))

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Hey String.....so......the truth will out......it was you who bought the other copy of the record....I often wondered who had the twin to mine........it must be a Heaton thing......oh no he's off on the Heaton thing again!....my god, please kill Kenny!

"Divvent gan doon theor bonny laad....if ye haad on heor tha's a canny lass we's ganna waalk about in hor bonny beuts aal ower porcy's waall" is a personal favourite of mine!

;0)

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Shortly after I arrived I changed my name to Brikk Nettie, but Corporal Carrott had a quiet word with me and after a few tears I dispensed with the horned helmet and started sending my wages home to my Mum, Gods bless hew beard ;-)

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

I just knew you'd know what I was talking about Softie. Pure Class!

Of course Carrot's a Captain now, but somehow has never forgotten his roots. Now there's an idea - who on the BBS is Nobby? (Maybe I could have put that better.

Even better for those of you who know what we're talking about let's have your suggestions:

Commander Vimes: Captain Carrot: Sgt Colon: Cprl Nobby: Detritus: Rincewind: Granny Weatherwax: Nanny Ogg: Magrat Garlick: The Bursar: Arch-chancellor Ridcully: etc. - Screacher's got to have some dwarfish in him - nee doot at aal!

Answer if you dare!

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Captain Captain thor's Apaches ower that hill aall hollarin and leaping and banging drums . Caam doon man Geordie , there's nowt to fret aboot , wer they war drums ? Naah man they were thors .

Mike neville tells it better than me mind Ill get me coat : - ))

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

You're treading of dangerous ground here Pilgrim. My lawyers have already been out on red alert. I'm afraid I just can't have you discussing in public what I may or not have in me. Unless it's anitha pint lyuk the neet afore ye gaan awa. Broonsaalroond?

You can introduce me to Pratchett - not been blessed thus far.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Nobby = Gav
The Luggage = Jonno - single-minded, unstoppable, takes no prisoners, will purue TSM to the ends of the earth.
Vimes = Clarky - dogged, loyal, likes to give Authority a kick in the pants or a jab in the kidneys from time to time to keep them in their place.
Carrott = Loony Toon - very charismatic fellow
Detritus = Buff - usually quiet but never ignored when he speaks, particularly when he wears his cooling helmet
Mort = Rik in command of awesome powers but not entirely in control of them
Angua = ? Hotly disputed

Are you Twoflower? ;-))

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Cheery LittleBottom = Softie ;)

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Ha ha! I thought I was more like the Librarian - ook!

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

You probably are...I just wanted to insult you ;))

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Twoflower???? Your mother is a big hippo. I'm more of a Dean person!

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Gav definitely looks like the Librarian! Rik is Mort, have to think about the others!

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Gotta agree Steph....Rik is definitely Mort when I see him next ;)

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

I thought Peter Reid was the librarian.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

LR = Death - he always used to post in UPPER CASE
NUFC = Great A'Toon, the World Turtle - carrying the world upon Her* back.

* As finally established by the Chelonauts.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

OK, So where's Ankh-Morpork??

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Has to be the Stadium of Sh*te!

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Naaah Steph,

Ankh-Morpork sounds a great place! I see Sunderland as more like Escrow (Carpe Jugulum) - No mind of their own, no imagination, controlled by vampires etc.

Now Bad Ass reminds me on when I lived in North Seaton Colliery in my childhood!

Softie - who's Gaspode?

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

CMOT Dibbler = Ace

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Brilliant Steph! Ace appearing with dyed mopheads the day Gullit arrived is right up there with CMOT Dibbler and his dragon detectors [a piece of wood; when the end catches alight you've found the dragon]

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Excellent Steph!

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Still got the effing mopheads, the bits of metal holding them together were so uncomfortable to wear made the idea a complete failure. I hope that my new idea of Zimmer frames painted in black and white packaged as Bobby Robson kits go down better.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Terry Pratchett has never really appealed, but I suspect I've got totally the wrong impression of his books, and the book covers don't help. My impression is that they are some sort of Dungeons and Dragons type fantasy adventures with a geeky, sci-fi twist. But they seem to appeal to a much larger readership than that....someone convince me, please. For instance, would you like Pratchett if you were ambivalent about Tolkein?

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Terry Pratchet.... I managed 2 and a half chapters of a book before binning it. Complete trash. Takes all sorts eh?

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Pratchetts very tongue in cheek...almost a spoof of all other fantasy authors but hilariously funny!!

I must admit that I didn't really appreciate the first couple of books but definitely fell in love when I read the first one containing the guards....these boys are a class apart!!

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Windy, each to their own, but I know several people who have never read any fantasy and still find Pratchett amusing. The first 2 books were a bit barmy but after that he began to expand on themes, and his books involving the City Watch are as much about everyday life as they are loving side-swipes at the fantasy genre.

Very similar to Douglas Adams insofar as you have to have a love of the thing you are lampooning in order to set it up so well, but he's much better at writing fantasy than Adams was at writing Science Fiction. Adams really made his mark with those sensational Dirk Gently (of the Holistic Detective Agency) books which showed true originality and imagination of the highest order.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

I'm a massive fan of Douglas Adams and loved Tolkein.

Maybe I started the wrong Pratchett book? I don't have much time to read (holidays only usually) so started reading something that I considered more worthwhile having decided I didn't like Pratchett. The time factor may have been partially to blame and I was perhaps sub-consciously biased against the work as had I enjoyed it I would have read the lot!

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

I enjoyed the Hitchhikers Guide stuff, although I'm not sure I'd re-read it now. I suppose I should try some Pratchett, but it would still be fairly low down on the list.

Reading '253' at the moment (the paperback version rather than the original internet version). Reading it on the tube definitely adds something to it.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Geordie, have a go at 'Guards! Guards!' some time, I'd be surprised if it didn't raise a smile.

Basic premise is that being a City Guardsman is the worst job in the World, since everyone knows that your prime function is to wait about in lugubrious surroundings for someone to shout, "Guards!", whereupon you enter the room and the hero hacks your head off. Messes about with Hill Street Blues, has a jolly poke at the returning heir to the throne travelling incognito cliche and doesn't spare the freemasons many blushes on the way passed. Laughed out loud on the Metro reading this one - something I go a long way to avoid if possible, but he left me no choice.

He's a brilliant chap to talk to if you go to a public appearance. Really touched by all the adulation and can't believe he gets paid for doing something he enjoys. So many people bring so many books to his book-signings that he ties a Kamikaze head band round his forehead, clutches a glass of claret in one hand, a pen in the other and then says, 'O.k, let's do it!' and scribbles away like a loony for 2 hours. Top bloke - chats to anyone.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

'Guards! Guards!' it is then! It'll give me something to do instead of fiddling the team pick so Screach loses.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

He's well worth a read. I think his books have got better as he's developed the characters but you almost have to begin at the beginning to really enjoy them. He reminded me of Douglas Adams too Softie but he's much funnier. Forget the fantasy stuff. The magic's a backdrop to develop the plots and characters, but most of the books are parodies of different places, characters and times on earth. Ephebe = Ancient Greece, the lost / last continent of XXXX = Australia, The counterweight continent = the AUrient (made of gold to balance the disc). Also Buddy Holly and the start of Rock and Roll in Soul Music, Hollywood in Moving Pictures.

I loved the Dirk Gently books. I thought the Hitch-hiker series went to pot in the last two books, which were only money grabbers.

I also like Robert Rankin and some Tom Holt (but not all).

I am howerer an avid reader of almost anything and once I start a book very rarely discard it without finishing it. Witness three large bookcases in my house of the books I can't bear to part with!

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

The thread killer strikes yet again! :o))

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2000

Carrot ? Me ? I'd just like it placed on the record that I do NOT have ginger hair ("not that there's anything wrong with that").

Apart from that I have absolutely no idea what you lot are on about. I've never read Pratchett on a point of principle : a former girlfriend used to love his books, and she had a kangaroo loose in the top paddock if you know what I mean.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000