Bureaucrats' outrageous new claim: Higher beer taxes prevent gonorrhea

WASHINGTON, DC -- Clap if you believe this: Higher taxes on beer can prevent gonorrhea.

At least, that's what the federal government says. But Libertarians are taking that claim with, well, not a dose of penicillin -- but a dose of healthy skepticism.

"If gonorrhea is the disease, then higher taxes are not the cure," said George Getz, the party's press secretary. "After all,gonorrhea can be cured with a single shot. But taxes last forever, are impervious to antibiotics, and can re-infect our paycheck every time politicians start lusting after our money."

According to a controversial report issued last week by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDCP), raising the tax on a six-pack of beer by 20c could reduce gonorrhea by 9%.

The CDCP based its findings on a study of gonorrhea rates in states that boosted alcohol taxes between 1981 and 1995. According to the CDCP, the higher the new taxes on beer, the lower the rate of sexually transmitted disease.

Although the CDCP did not claim that cheap beer directly caused gonorrhea, it suggested that cheap beer led to more drinking, which in turn led to more "risky sexual behavior" among young people.

Libertarians are concerned, however, that the CDCP report could lead to more risky "taxual" behavior among politicians.

"If there is one thing more desperate than a Happy Hour Casanova at closing time, it's a tax-happy politician promiscuously looking for revenue in all the wrong places," said Getz. "But taxing beer will no more protect people from gonorrhea than taxing cigars will protect White House interns from Bill Clinton."

In fact, the most irritating aspect of the CDCP report, said Getz, is that it will probably be used by politicians to justify higher taxes on beer "for our own good" -- even though taxes already make up 43% of the cost of a typical bottle of beer.

"When it comes to beer taxes, politicians just can't say no,"he said. "That's why Libertarians have a better idea: Instead of protecting Americans from the alleged dangers of cheap beer, let's protect Americans from the most frightening STD of all -- the Selfish Tax Desire that infects politicians."

So are Libertarians 100% opposed to any new anti-gonorrhea tax? Not necessarily, said Getz.

"Libertarians would be happy to consider a new tax on government bureaucrats who write scientifically dubious reports to justify higher taxes," he said. "That money could then be used to subsidize the price of expensive imported beer, so society's most vulnerable members -- beer drinkers without a lot of money -- won't have to continue to suffer the scourge of cheap beer.

"After all, if cheap beer causes disease, then Heineken must be medicine. And if taxing just one bureaucrat would save just one person from having to drink cheap beer, wouldn't it be worth it?"

Wait a second: Is a Libertarian really calling for higher taxes? Of course not, said Getz.

"Libertarians never support any new tax, unlike Republican and Democratic politicians," he said. "That's why, when it comes to gonorrhea or taxes, Americans need to use protection. And the best prophylactic measure against new taxes -- on beer or anything else -- is to vote Libertarian."

END

Our tax dollars hard at work : |

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), May 07, 2000

Answers

But it works! Last year I accidentally overpaid my taxes. And I didn't get the clap!

-- (nemesis@awol.com), May 07, 2000.