letting go and moving on

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Do you have a hard time letting go of things? People, places, emotions?

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2000


You know, it's funny that you ask this now, because I was at lunch with my friend Dana today, and we somehow got on the topic of an old relationship of mine, one that went dramatically, spectacularly bad. It was eight years ago, and I thought I had left it behind me completely until I talked about it today. Wow. It hit me all over again with a vengeance...

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2000

I never understood people who could get over a relationship lickity split and move on to the next person. It's always taken me at least a year (or more) to get over someone I've been deeply entandgled with emotionally. When I split with my first husband on our third anniversary I was seven months pregnant with son # 2. He went out and partied and I stayed home and cried. This lasted 2 months. Then I didn't miss him at all. I saw all the reasons why he was wrong for me and it gave me enough distance to see when he tried to come back what a dark cloud over my life he was. He wanted me to be someone other than who I was and it made me miserable. But it still took me a while to get him out of my system. Almost a year. He knew I was seeing someone else and he had a girlfriend but he tried to lay claim to me and got extremely jealous. Weird. Finally I just moved to another state and got him out of my life completely.

Every serious relationship I've had has taken me a long time to get over. I've been pretty good about trying to not do the rebound thing and just have someone to fill the empty place left behind. That never works really, because inevitably it only magnifies how that person is NOT the one you want to be with. So distance and time have been the only cures for me.

I cannot say how I would feel if I ran into my ex-boyfriend. I know it would shake me up. We're both married with children but the emotions ran very deep. I haven't seen him in several years and I just don't know how it would make me feel to see him. Honestly I do

-- Anonymous, May 06, 2000

I don't understand people that can move on immediately following a serious relationship either. It's kind of funny that this has come up because someone just recently told me to let go of the past. My fiance and I broke up 5 years ago and although I feel nothing for him anymore, it took a long time for me to come to terms with it. And, I still talk about him and that relationship from time to time, but it doesn't mean that I'm hanging onto what we had...that was gone long before we broke up. He was a big part of my life and although I was devestated when it ended, it was for the best and I'm much happier with a man that is much better suited to my disposition.

-- Anonymous, May 06, 2000

I can't imagine getting over someone... or something easily. I tend to overanalyze what I did wrong and wish for a million chances to make it all right.

that never happens.

I ended a two year long relationship almost 6 months ago and I still find myself searching for his warm body in my bed, looking to hear his greeting when I walk in the door. I can't get used to the fact that someone else gets to walk by his side through life.

and I don't want to.

as for moving on... forget it. you can't go on until you heal the past.

-- Anonymous, May 06, 2000

I find this forum topic especially pertinent, as I'm six weeks into my most painful and dramatic break-up yet. Of course, as these things always are, it's more complicated than it seems. At this point, I'd almost just like to know that people *can* and *do* get over relationships and people. But then, realistically, when I think back over the six weeks even, I can see that I've at least turned one corner -- I'm less angry now, but more sad, I think. I find, out of respect for the relationship, and for myself, that I can't just move on quickly, either. There's a real loss here; a mourning period is the only way through it. I just wish there was some plan or some way to see the future to know it would be better soon.

-- Anonymous, May 07, 2000

I find this relates to my life in terms of girlfriends. Probably because I've been happily married for almost 10 years. I haven't such good luck with female friends though. I obsess for months after a falling out with a friend. In the past 6 months I have lost 2 close friends. I decided to end both relationships for different reasons, but I still think about them almost daily. For one thing I worry that I will run into them in the subway or on the street. They both work mere blocks from my office. I sit at the other end of the subway now so that I won't accidently run into one of them on the train. (She and I used to see each other often and ride together, and gab on the way to work.) Now that the weather is warm again I know that all three of us are walking around the same city streets.

Sometimes I just sit back and think..."you probably aren't even an blip on their radar screens". But I still worry about what I will say when we finally see each other...or will I be able to duck out of sight and avoid any confrontation/conversation. I HATE confrontation...and I don't want to endure it AT ALL!

A couple of days ago though I decided that I was letting them hold me hostage in my own city and I wouldn't do it anymore. So I started sitting on my regular car again. And if I see one or the other of them (they aren't friends with each other, in fact they hated each other on sight.) then so be it...it will be over.

Wish me luck! :)

-- Anonymous, May 12, 2000

I'm still working on the answer to this one......today is four weeks since my husband moved out after I came home and found him in our bed with someone else. I've been through the anger stage, and seem to have skipped the sadness and gone right on to relief that something bad in my life is gone. Things have been rocky for the last several years anyway, but neither of us could quite let go enough effect a split. Obviously, that's been taken care of... Now I find myself wondering why it isn't bothering me more, living alone again (well, as alone as you can be with two cats and a black lab!), *sleeping* alone again, not having to account for my time to anyone else....I keep wondering if I'm terribly shallow, or just going through some phase in the process that masks the grief I think I should be feeling. I am slowly working my way back into my own life, discovering how much of it I set aside while with him, and concluding I have been a major doormat for the last five or six years. I've already reconnected with several close friend I allowed him to drive away, and my self-esteem is improving daily. All in all, I'm amazed (and concerned) at how easily I'm moving on. Then on the flip side, I freely admit that I still think almost daily about my "first love" whom I haven't seen or heard from in nearly 7 years.........and question my mental health yet again :)

-- Anonymous, February 21, 2001

Sharon--it's hard to tell, really, why these feelings hit us so soon after a breakup. I felt the same way when my husband left, though. He walked out, and I was *fine*. I had some breakdown type moments over the next two years, but for the most part...well, I knew it was best. I'd known it needed to happen for awhile. I was prepared, even though I hadn't predicted exactly when it would end.

Enjoy your life. Your body and emotional state will let you know when it's time to leave. For now, concentrate on doing things that make you happy. The friends are especially important. And good luck!

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2001

Yes, my last realtionship was with another woman. I was very emotionally involved, much more so than my last 2 realtionships with guys. I lasted only 9 months, and in between that time we broke up twice. It was a very unstable, unhealthy relationship from the very beginning. Everybody could see the bright red warning signs, except me. She was a very abusive. Then when we were 500 miles from my home, because she urged me to leave with her to start our lives somewhere else, the nature of her true colors came out. I left when she was at work. All this time, I not only had to deal with the loss of a broken dream and love, but the loss of my self. I am dismayed by the amount of time it is taking to get over her-it's been almost a year since I left

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

I think the hardest thing about letting go of Steven was letting go of the anger afterward.

I originally had an online journal at my Geocities account, and he found it through one of the webrings I'd registered with. He was charming, talented, and had a "handsome personality" (I later discovered it matched his handsome pictures). We soon were exchanging the most intimate of thoughts and feelings... and making plans to be together, to try out meeting to see if one of us should move.

Not too long later, *before* we met in person, I found out he'd been lying, he was married, had children, and was even "cheating" on me and his wife with another married woman. I was incensed. I felt so duped, and I was most angry with myself for having allowed myself to feel so much for someone whose entire representation of himself was a lie. I felt really stupid. I removed my entire journal from the web, I hid the archives of all his e-mails to me in the back drawer, and I took the paper journal & put it away & just started a new one. Several months later I deleted all the archived digital voicemails and e-mails, and forgot about him & mostly forgave myself.

However, just a couple of weeks ago, the woman who his new wife contacted me and asked me for the truth about what happened. It seems she thinks that he's lying to her. She looked in his computer and found all our old e-mails. She's actually really nice. But I had to realize that I hadn't completely let go of that anger against myself. In telling her that her husband lied, and exactly what he lied to me about, she has discovered the things that he lied to her about. I wish her the best of luck, and I am thankful she wrote me, because I don't feel so bad about having been fooled. If he can fool an extremely intelligent woman face-to-face, I didn't have a ghost of a chance over the Net.

Anyway, that's my "letting go" story. :) Well, the most recent, anyway.

Other letting go - I think all/most diarists have a hard time letting go of people/places/emotions - that's why we record them.

Lillian (shameless plug - http://lillianclaire.diary-x.com)

-- Anonymous, July 08, 2001

Oh man, Tommarow is Jeremy and my two year anniversary! Well, it would have been our two year anniversary. We broke up sometime within about three weeks of our ann. I sit and think, and tink, and think. I try to remember the day that "we" died. I remember labor day weekend last year, we went camping at the lake with his family, we bickered some, nothing important. I remember laying in the tent, listening to the rain, reading love poems to each other, I was so happy. Friday we drove to a neighboring town, rented a motel, to celebrate one year together. I remember both of us being miserable. We fought the way down, the few short hours we had together, before gettirg back to the reality of work and life. I don't know what happened between Sunday and Friday, but somewheres in thaose five short days, we lost the strength to work together. The next few weeks we cried and fought to get back to where we had been, but things just got worse. Neither of us would give up, we apoligized for all the fights in the past and started over. I went to a party with one of my so called friends, and got drunk, and cheated on him. He was my first love, also the first time I ever even considered cheating. I dropped out of high school(dec. of my senior year!), moved four states away. I don't know where I stand today, I have drowned in guilt and self hatred for hurting him, and destroying the love we had, I have cried, cried, and cried,...than cried somemore. I yelled and screamed, and felt my heart die. I begged and pleaded for his forgiveness, and a second chance. I've had several one night stands right after we broke up, but have not even considered a relationship with anyone else. I still love him so, so very much, and know I always will. This week has been so hard! It's hard tobelive it has been a year since we were happy together. I'm trying so hard to belive everything will be okay, and I will find a relationship like we had again. I guess I'm just now getting back to me. I spent so many nights dreaming of our life together, so many days working to build our future together. I am starting to build plans for my future, without him. I look around, amazed that the world is happily going on. I expected everything to sese existance when we stopped being one. I guess the world goes on, and so will I. I'm letting myself cry, and be sad the weekend. I let myself think back to all the things we did together. I guess I'm letting go of "us". I finally closed the e-mail account,monday, I had opened when we first started going out. Thursday I stoped asking for his forgivness, and asked God for his forgivness. I belive God forgave me, I forgave myself:) I hope one day Jeremy will forgive me, and I hope one day he finds the one who can love him as much as I had hoped to. I hope one day to be happy with a man I love, but for now, I will try to live my life for me. I wish all of you going through the loss of someone you love all the luck, and strength in the promise of a rainbow. I send my love to every soul that is hurting tonight, may God be with you.

-- Anonymous, September 08, 2001

I have been with him for almost a year now. 24 March 2002 would be our first anniversary together. But, he will be leaving me soon. When I first met him on 24 March 2001, I knew he was married. He had come here to work. He left his wife behind where he lives. They can't get along with each other and even considered divorce. That was the reason he left home.

Two months into our relationship, he told me that his wife was pregnant.

He was contemplating leaving his wife all the time, before the birth of his son. They had been fighting nonstop before he left to come here. In fact, it was his wife who felt that distance would be good for them.

But, alas! After the birth of his son, he became all fatherly... He does not think of me anymore. He started to give excuses such as the son can't do without a father and for whatever reason, he will never leave his wife and son. But he would still cheat on her as he does not love her.

I know you as the reader would say he's a wonderful husband and father.

His wife and son is coming over soon. I will be out of his life come end March.

From October to January 2001, I was like a mad woman. I was unable to concentrate on my work and I was unable to eat, sleep. Everyday, I was crying.

But come February 2002, something in me died - I guess it's the reliance and hope I have of him. We have been planning our life together for the past eight months and suddenly, it all died.

I believe there is a God and for everything that happens, there is a reason and a purpose.

I will be strong and live on . . .

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2002

I broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago and I thought that I would be very happy, because our relationship just kept going down hill. It was like I was doing all the work and he would jump in every so once in awhile. He never bought me much, because he didn't have a job nor could he drive. So I would always have to drive, and he was younger than me so maybe that had something to do with it too.I can't get over him yet and I know that it will take sometime. We went out for five months and that was the longest relationship that I have ever been in. Now I'm gaining weight because I'm so depressed about the whole thing and I had to call him up and ask him what was up with our relationship. So that doesn't say too much for him. We go to the same school and when I see him in the hallway I don't even say anything to him. I mean what should I say, Hi I don't think so I shouldn't have to say anything. I don't know I'm a senior in high school so I hope that I will meat someone better in college.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2002

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