http://www.canoe.ca/LondonNews/lf.lf-05-04-0046.html

Thursday, May 4, 2000

Spam lesser of culinary evils

By Stephanie Rubec, Special to the Free Press

EVEREST BASE CAMP -- Spam, yak cheese, yak meat . . . and spam again. Oh, and let's not forget the ever present potato, grown in human feces -- for lack of any other fertilizer in this tundra-like land.

These have become the staples of my diet.

The line that I've previously drawn to keep certain foods out of my stomach has been blurred -- if it hasn't totally disappeared.

I don't eat wieners because I know what's in them, that is, I didn't used to. Now there's not much of a choice.

When the cook takes the lid off the lunch pot, it's either wieners or fried spam.

Spam drenched in spicy mustard has become the lesser of two evils. I'm not a meat lover and usually stick to fish or chicken back in the civilized world.

I usually refuse anything that isn't prepackaged by my grocer.

Last year, I snubbed moose meat served by my mom in an appetizing stroganoff sauce because I could visualize the poor beast happily prancing through a field in Northern Quebec before its death.

I would give anything right now for the hard, dry, black yak meat on my cold steel plate to be replaced with a moose steak.

Instead, I close my eyes and shove a yak momo, or dumpling, in my mouth, pretending the meat didn't really come from the leg I saw hanging in the dingy, dirty kitchen.

Food has become an obsession for the majority of base camp residents.

Every new encounter at base camp eventually turns to questions of food and hopes of a dinner invitation.

Even the Kazakhstan team climbing Lhotse has an enviable menu, including caviar, fresh Turkish coffee and vodka.

Canadian air force Sgt. Jeff Warden gets nachos almost everyday, has had chicken cordon bleu and has a fabulous cook who has whipped up impressive desserts.

Every time the kitchen boy blows his whistle to announce a meal, my hopes soar that he's taken cooking hints from the other camps.

But after four weeks of living in this tent city, even the table full of condiments can't get me excited about another meal of beans and spam.

Most women would be envious of my weight loss, which has been inevitable as I try in vain to swallow the potato and other locally grown foods.

But I will gratefully put on some pounds if there is any Canadian kind enough to find a way of sending donations of oven-roasted chicken, Atlantic salmon and a nice big apple-chutney salad.

Oh, and don't forget to send chocolate cheesecake with a bottle of red Italian wine to wash it down.

-- Maya (Maya@eck.ist), May 04, 2000

Answers

I didn't know potatoes could be grown in straight human feces! Are the feces composted first? There's something new here every day.

-- helen (home@the.farm), May 05, 2000.

helen, you're so dumb you eat feces raw.

I've seen you do it!

-- (you're stupid down @ the .farm), May 05, 2000.