Sent to me by a Leeds fan of all people, probably trying to get it in now as it will be meaningless when Bobby leads us onwards and upwards next season.

The Northern Temperature Conversion Guide:

+40 C Southern heatwave. Hosepipe ban. Tyneside melts into North Sea, Ben Nevis becomes volcanic.

+30 C Picnic's and partying in Hyde park. Northern ginga's need skin grafts for 1st degree burns.

+20 C Londoners go for a country cruise in their convertables. Geordies in Capri's clog M25 trying to migrate South

+15 C = Cockneys try to turn on the heat. Geordies plant gardens.

+10 C = Cornish shiver uncontrollably. Geordies sunbathe.

+5 C = Italian cars won't start. People in Durham drive with the windows down.

Zero C = Distilled water freezes. Aberdeen's water gets thicker.

-5 C = Cockneys wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Geordies throw on a T-shirt.

-15 C = Bristolians begin to evacuate the city. People in Glasgow go swimming.

-20 C = London landlords finally turn up the heat. Geordies have the last cookout before it gets cold.

-25 C = People in Devon cease to exist. Aberdonians lick flagpoles.

-30 C = Cockneys fly away to the Med. Geordies throw on a light jacket.

-40 C = English Channel freezes. Geordie girl guides begin selling cookies door to door.

-60 C = Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Newcastle Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

-100 C = Ethyl alcohol freezes. Scots get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-200 C = Microbial life survives on dairy products. Cumbrian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-273 C = ALL atomic motion stops. Geordies talk about the wind chill factor.

-400 C = Hell freezes over. Newcastle win a trophy.

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000

Answers

Nice one Keith! (:o)

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000

It if wasn't so bloody true it would be funny

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000