children: why?

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Those of you who have children -- why did you have them? Those of you who don't -- why not? Those of you who are undecided -- what are the main factors in your decisionmaking process?

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000

Answers

I never wanted them very much. I don't like children much. When I did have a few spasms of interest, I realized it was for adorable babies rather than the lifelong task of parenthood. I also knew that there is a lot more to babies than the adorable parts. I have a strong aversion to cleaning up anyone else's shit.

Basically, I didn't want the responsibility.

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000


Pamie has a whole bunch of threads like this going her forum this week. Some interesting answers there.

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000

As the late comedian Bill Hicks once said: "Children are great, but unfortunately they grow up to be people."

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000

I've always admired people who've been strong enough to assert they don't want kids. It isn't a popular stance and often elicts ugly smirks.

I am in the mush pot on this one. I *dont* want kids now, but maybe one_day I might like to adopt. I'm in *no* rush. Considering how I grew up (terrible), the thought of having a child with a mental disorder scares the hell out of me. (We think my mother is schizophrenic - and her brother is diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic.) Afraid any child with my genes is *doomed* to begin with and how fair is that!

I've always been facinated though, since I was young, young, young, with adopting. I'd have to be married - and I don't want just a baby to adopt - any age would be fine with me. Anyone that needs someone to love them. Depending on money, situation, etc... I'd be willing to talk about numbers.

Nothing will be happening *any* time soon though. I haven't had so much as a date since February!

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000


I don't have any children ... yet, although I think of having cats as being a parent to a bunch of perpetual toddlers.

However, I always thought that I _would_ have kids some day. I'm something of a mother hen by nature, and I've always wanted to have a family, be a mom.

I just haven't felt ready to take that plunge yet. Five years ago, I felt almost ready, but then my SO walked on me and it destroyed me emotionally. It's taken me that long to regain enough confidence, to center myself enough, that I'd feel ready to take care of someone else.

I'm twenty-six now, and the time is starting to feel right ... maybe in a year or two, though I'd like to be a bit more financially stable fist.

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000



I don't have kids, and at the ripe old age of 37, I don't plan on having any. I used to question my patience and sense of responsibility, thus deeming myself pretty unfit to be a parent. But now I think that I was just never very interested in having kids. I have tons of varied interests that keep me busy and happy.

The "need to breed" that many women seem to experience doesn't exist in me. And that's fine. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I look around and see an awful lot of women my age who, since having children, are constantly exhausted, stressed out and - excuse my cattiness - fat and unkept. It just isn't the life for me, although I'm sure most women find it wonderfully rewarding.

It's a shame too that many people assume if you choose not to have kids, it automatically means you don't like them. My boyfriend's 4- year-old niece and I adore each other.

Gawd, I could go on and on about this topic!

Partly Cloudy

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000


Hi there. I guess I'm the minority here, I'm a mommy and I love it. There is no one reason why my husband and I wanted to become parents. I could give you a load of crap and say it was a basic need in us to nurture or we did it to claim a dependent on our taxes but that wouldn't be true.

Basically, I love my husband very much and he loves me. We have a strong relationship, we respect each other. The thought of making a little Kerri or a little Scott was very appealing. Making a baby was the most incredible tribute to our amazing love story. We have a family, a future full of love and family. Yes we have responsibility but MY GOD do we have fun! Our daughter is hysterically funny, some days I go to sleep and my face hurts from smiling all day. Scott and I love each other more because of our baby girl, if that's possible.

I love being a mother, I know this was meant to be. I love waking up to smiling face everyday. I feel like I won the lottery. We made this baby, my husband and I did. I grew her in my body for 39 weeks, I gave birth to her, and I love her more than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my life.

Sorry to get all sentimental, I'm a mommy!! I can't help it!!!!

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000


I used to be very uncomfortable around kids and agreed to have one because my husband really really wanted one and I kind of thought it was the logical time to do it.

I had a great pregnancy and a fairly easy labor and delivery, and out of that came the most wonderful amazing person I have ever had the good fortune to know. I never knew I could love anyone as much as I love my son. I agree Kerri that sometimes my face aches from smiling all day. My son just cracks me up...I could watch him all day and be completely entertained.

Someone mentioned being exhausted and stressed out and fat and unkempt. I am definitely exhausted, but I don't know if has so much to do with being a mom as it has to do with being a mom, working full time and going to graduate school. But I have never felt that the exhaustion was not worth it. As far as being fat and unkempt...that was a BIG concern of mine. But after he was born I just made time for exercise (waking up at 5am to run on the treadmill may also contribute to being exhausted) and I'm now thinner and in better shape than I was prepregnancy!

So to answer your question, there was no definite reason why we decided to have kids, we just felt like it was the right time. But now we realize it was the best thing we ever did.

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000


My wife really wanted children. I had my misgivings, but not anymore. My son is my favorite person. I don't think I've ever been as happy as when I have time with him. It's funny how quickly I developed an intense bond with him -- especially since he had very little use for me for more than a year. It was only when he began walking that he showed any interest in me. Even now, he mostly gets interested in "guy stuff." Any task that I am doing, he shows intense interest. It's a very funny thing. If my wife makes pancakes, our son will pester and pester her for attention. When I do it, I can sit him on the counter and put the eggs next to him, and he will sit absolutely still on the counter and watch every movement of my hands very closely. I let him stir the batter or hand me the eggs, and he acts like a nurse in OR, very deliberatley and carefully. That just cracks me up.

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000

I've known since I was about 8 (I'm 19 now) that I didn't want kids-- I know 8 is a little young to know for sure on these things, and arguably so is 19, but it seems to me that a decade of the same sentiment must mean SOMEthing. My reasons over time have included concerns about overpopulation, the desire not to have the financial burden, reluctance about imparting my own mercurial value system to another human, impatience with children, and plain old selfishness.

Luckily, the pressure is off- my parents have 3 other kids who can provide grandchildren, and they've known I probably wouldn't be having kids for a LONG time (see above) so they don't really expect it. I'm looking forward to being a loving aunt to my siblings' future children, however- I've always imagined myself as a kind of fun eccentric aunt. Anyway...

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000



My life was good before having a baby: steady, committed relationship, lots of love, good job, nice house, etc. etc.

My life is a hundred times better after having a child.

I was never the maternal type growing up - the youngest child I never saw babies, never even babysat.

And yet it just happened in me, and somehow all the maternal stuff crept out from the psyche and i knew what to do, and I've never go back to the way things were before and I'd never trade a minute of time with my daughter for something else.

Hard work? You bet you ass. Worth every single damn bit of energy though. Every stage she goes through is better than the one before, each month I think "it can't get any better, this is it" and then it does. She's funny and cute and smart and she ~loves~ us and shows it and when those little arms wrap around your neck and she plants a kiss on your cheek...

You relive childhood through your kid - you see the world through thier eyes and it's ~amazing~. Everything is so beautiful to them and full of wonder and awe and magic - stuff we've forgotten about as adults. To experience things again for the first time - the coldness of ice cream, the softness of a puppys fur, the excitement of a sprinkler in the front yard on a hot day, chasing bubbles, making snowmen, baking xmas cookies for Santa, picking dandelion bouquets...

It isn't an easy job raising a child, and having a loving and devoted husband who is also a great father is such a help - my hat off to all the single moms out there, you have my respect, I don't know if I could do it alone. It also helps (IMO) that my first pregnancy (and my current one) was planned and she was wanted before she was even concieved.

Why did we decide to have kids? My husband always wanted a big family, I knew that when I married him, he comes from a large family. We waited as long as we did because I wasn't sure about myself - I wanted to make sure I didn't rush into anything. But exactly ~why~? Hmmm. There are a million reasons, and I fear any of them will sound trite. To create something together out of our love, to bring a new life into the world, to be a family, because I wanted to, because I thought both my husband and I were cool people and that we could raise a kid to be even a cooler person than we were - to give them all that we had and all that we never got, to pass on what we had learned to the next generation, and so on and so forth.

I respect people who decide not have kids, I think that takes a lot of courage to go against the basic societal sterotypes of "college, marriage, kids, retire, die". But I wanted to have a child, and I did, and I love being a mom and all the work and joys that come with that title.

- t

-- Anonymous, May 04, 2000


I haven't had children yet, but I will - two at the most.

The idea of watching somebody learn, grow and develop is just too cool to miss. However, we won't be doing it until late next year at the earliest, because I can't (financially) afford to be off work.

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2000


I'm pretty sure we're going to have a kid, but just one. My reason is that I adore children. Sure, I know it's going to be work and sometimes it's going to be a hassle, but I think it's all going to be worth it. I think it will be rewarding to raise the child to be a good person.

It is, however, pretty controversial to say you're only going to have one kid. Not quite as controversial as saying I'm not going to have any, but people still think they know what's best for you. I admire people who decide not to have children because they know it isn't what they want. It's not for everyone and it doesn't have to be.

I know what I can handle, and that's one kid. Maybe I'll change my mind later, but that's for me to decide. And I resent anyone who tries to tell me differently.

I also hate it when people try to tell us WHEN we have to have our kid. Why aren't we doing it now? When am I going to do it? When I'm damn good and ready, that's when. If I do it before I'm ready it will be bad for everyone involved.

It's a very personal choice and I think everyone should be able to make that decision on their own, without everyone else forcing their opinion down their throat.

(Geez, think my mother has bugged me about this one too many times???)

Colleen

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2000


I never cared one way or the other whether I had kids, and I married very late. By the time I decided I DID want one, no pregnancy was forthcoming. We finally adopted a two-year-old from India, and it's the best thing I ever did. We really hit the jackpot with the child who is ours, and I love her dearly. The adoption process, however, was pure, unmitigated hell. Every stage of the long, drawn-out experience was like pulling hens' teeth. My husband did not help me with the paperwork or the waiting or anything, nor did he give me emotional support, although he claimed he wanted the adoption as much as I did. If anything could go wrong it did, and I was a screaming bitch for about two and a half years. Finally, though, it worked out.

Unlike people who fear childbirth, though, but change their mind after having their baby, I'll have to say that I could not go through the adoption process again. It's possible that I would have better luck next time, but I couldn't take that chance. I feel that I have the best little girl in the world, anyway, and another child would just have to pale in comparison to her!

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2000


Why did I have my children? I guess the answers for each of them vary.

I had my daughter because I wanted to have her. I was ready to have a child with my husband from the moment we said "I do". For as long as I can remember, I always planned on having a house full of children. It's been in me throughout my whole life. My own mother says I have a natural mothering instinct and have had it for many years. I never saw it that way, but looking back I think she was right.

My son is a different story. I was a divorced, working mother just scraping by. Mr. Wrong came along and sucked me into his lying game. Next thing I knew, I was pregnant once again. My son wasn't planned, wasn't wanted from the very beginning like my daughter. But that doesn't matter because I love him with all my heart and would not change one thing that happened concerning his arrival into my life.

I can honestly say that I was meant to have children. I do not believe that I would be complete without them. They are the most important things in my life. I live each and every day for THEM, not me.

Sure it's hard work. Being a parent is the HARDEST job anyone could ever take on. Even though I wanted children, I had no idea of all the work and worry and stress and heartbreak that it would take. But I wouldn't trade my life with my children for anything in the world. I not only love them, but I fell "in love" with them both as soon as I saw their precious little faces. Nothing has ever, or will ever, give me as much happiness, joy, and pride as they do.

As for my original plan to have many children, that isn't going to happen. I decided after my son was born that I would stop. I had a tubal and things are great. I have a daughter, who is so strong willed at times that she almost drives me insane, and a son, who is the sweetest and most gentle little boy on the planet... and they are all I need.

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2000



I agree that there's a weird pressure on people in a marriage or other long term commitment to have children. It makes sense to me that parents want to see their adult children have grandchildren -- that response has to be hard-wired into the brain. But it's just wrong for strangers to pressure others to have children. A child is a huge amount of work and a significant economic burden. God knows, we don't have any shortage of people on the planet.

I really needed to feel secure in my work and to be able to buy a house before I was willing to have a child. It was important to me to be rooted -- maybe some reaction against my own first five years, during which my parents moved every year. Of course, I jut sold the house and moved again, but the sense of security was key to me.

-- Anonymous, May 05, 2000


I already answered this at Pamie's forum. In short, I don't like kids enough to want to have one of my own, and I'm too much of a selfish git to take on the responsibility. I'm not into organising my life around other folks.

-- Anonymous, May 06, 2000

I've just never wanted any. That maternal instinct all women are supposed to have just isn't in me. I love kids. I've got 2 nieces and a nephew and I love them to death, but I'm just not interested in having my own.

I respect people who do because I know what hard work it is, but it is tiresome being in the minority and constantly having to explain why I don't want to have kids- as a woman you're treated like some kind of freak of nature if you don't.

-- Anonymous, June 04, 2001


Cathy just answered for me. Word for word.

-- Anonymous, June 04, 2001

Also, please do not make the assumption that every childless married couple does not want children. Do not ask them when they plan to get around to having kids. Do not "joke" that if they wait too long it may be too late.

You never know who has already been trying for a very. long. time.

Um, yeah. Bad day. Sorry.

-- Anonymous, June 05, 2001


We do want children (or at least one - we'll see how that goes before making any definite plans about more!), and are about to start trying. But why? I can't really say. I joke that it is all biological drive plus 30 years conditioning, and probably a dumb idea but that I'm bound and determined to do it anyway.

I do have doubts - mostly about the timing: that we should wait longer, save more, consolidate careers etc etc. That we will never have time alone again, that it will irrevocably change our relationship, that it will make us 'adults', beyond a shadow of a doubt. Suburban no less (oh the horror).

But, I so want to have a child. And have for years. So... doubts aside, we're trying.

-- Anonymous, June 05, 2001


Can't. Won't do that to a kid. If I can barely take care of my self, how in hell am I supposed to be in charge of an entirely separate life?

How incredibly important is it to raise a child - it's the hugest, most absolutely vital task in the world. At least, that's what it feels like to me.

Knowing me, I could not have a kid, and just let it grow up and be normal and ordinary. I would feel an extraordinary amount of pressure to have an exceptional, special, unusual, unusually brilliant kid. I'd want to exceed and excel and create a little creative, supernaturally intelligent kid who's going to grow up and save the world/win a pulitzer/invent the happiness pill.

And it's so not going to happen. See, here, my goals don't match my skills. And also - also, I couldn't do that to a child. It would be torture. She would be never living up to expectations, and there would be a lot of psychological scarring. Ten, fifteen years of therapy right there, and no saving the world.

And then, when I got bored or annoyed or impatient and gave up, well, that's another three to five years of therapy appointments for her, and there goes the Pulitzer.

The point is (I think) that I wouldn't inflict myself on a kid. And I wouldn't inflict a kid I've inflicted myself upon, upon the world. See?

Unless, of course, I had babies with a genius. Then, maybe I'd have genius kids! And wouldn't that be cool? No. No! Bad, wrong. Okay.

-- Anonymous, June 05, 2001


Amen, Liss.

-- Anonymous, June 05, 2001

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