How to dampen a hot affair : LUSENET : TB2K spinoff uncensored : One Thread

Keeping on keeping on with posts both quaint and whimpsical I table this;

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How to dampen a hot affair
It's time to end the relationship when what you're cuddling suddenly springs a leak, writes Andrew Stevenson.

AS THE cold hand of winter descended on Sydney this week I reached for my trusty standard, my shield against frosty fingers, my comfort in times of need. Once, when Victor Trumper played on the sticky wickets and Dame Nellie Melba sang adieu, adieu, I had relationships. Like most mere mortals, I succumbed to my biological urges and attempted to negotiate the stony ground of love.

All that was before my second childhood, before I returned to my true devotion, before I found something I could cuddle that wouldn't talk back.

The hot water bottle, what a wonder. It gives succour to the single, warmth to the wifeless and widowed, it refuses to discriminate between spinster and single mum, bachelor or runaway, the commitment-phobic or any of those to whom a relationship is a social, biological, physical, psychological or emotional impossibility.

Electric blankets have their fans; others pile doonas upon high. Sure, there's warmth, but where is the comfort? In our hour of need, the hot water bottle is there for those prepared to wear the cheap jibes of friends or flatmates who heap scorn upon our nightly ritual. But to the true believers, such japes are easily worn.

Our hot water bottles issue no complaint, so why should we? Unlike more human lovers they do not whinge when asked to warm parts of our anatomy others may seek to avoid; they perform their tasks without fear, without expecting favour or the consideration of a compliment to be returned. They can be cuddled sweetly without fear of marriage or a lifelong entanglement. Sweet nothings remain just that.

Dinner and a movie are a breeze with a hot water bottle at your side. No taxis or buses or pained attempts to sit still through the latest Jane Austen or Henry James epic. A hot water bottle doesn't mind what you eat and will sit close to you on the couch no matter what schlock you watch.

Imagine my delight when winter called forth my hot water bottle from its summer hide for that first night. Equally, imagine my consternation, my sense of complete and utter abandonment that next morning when I awoke to find that all good things come to an end.

My close, personal friend had sprung a leak. A sign, I thought. Maybe it's time to reconsider the world of relationships. Maybe it's just time to buy a new hot water bottle.

Andrew Stevenson is a Herald journalist.


Only a faint memory of a loft in Northern Europe during bitter cold nights, 1963...

Regards from Down Under

-- Pieter (, April 26, 2000


Have you tried a vibrator?

-- (, April 26, 2000.

You have, Nemesis?

-- Pieter (, April 26, 2000.

Do water bottles come with vibrators?

-- (y@x.x), April 26, 2000.

Tis hopeless Pieter. These blokes have always had the central air conditioning, natural gas heat and indoor plumbing. They could never grasp a rural childhood in post WWII Europe... Deliver me from the suburbs. And put the warmer at the foot of the bed for meself.

-- William Wallace (, April 26, 2000.

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