Are there signs around your neighborhood that make you giggle? My father used to love the one outside our house in Mississippi that said "Restrant."

Needless to say, he never wanted to eat there.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Answers

From the bizarre religious front:

Schools. I belong there.
    - God.

That's all it says! Weirdos!

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

OK, this billboard doesn't have any misspellings or anything, but it just went up this morning, and it's DIRECTLY across the street from my office. I couldn't stop laughing.

See, I don't work in the best neighborhood, and we have more than our fair share of transients wandering around. So, the marketing people apparently went with what the neighborhood knows (FYI- the other side of the billboard is a giant advertisement for a strip club 2 blocks down the street). It's for Canadian Mist (whiskey) and it reads "Easy to Sip, Now Easy to Grip." They put a HANDLE on the whiskey bottle. They actually have a big picture of it on the billboard. I'm not kidding. The winos will be so happy.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

There is this older couple that owns a donkey. They have a sign right by the road near their driveway that is shaped like a yield sign, only it is a picture of a donkey sitting on its ass holding a beer can and looking drunk.

Words cannot even describe this sign. I really need to take a picture.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

There's a dry-cleaners a few towns away whose sign reads ZIPPERS OPEN 7 AM.

And, of course, I'm always amused by the big yellow SLOW CHILDREN signs on suburban streets. I want one of my own. The sign, I mean, not a slow child.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

I always got a kick out of those billboards that read, "Don't Know Who The Father Is?" for some DNA testing company. I just think that the idea of a billboard concerning questionable paternity is funny. I'm waiting for one that says "GIRL, WHO YO BABY DADDY?" with the 800 number below it.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

My parents' house isn't too far from one of the Lorton prison annexes in northern Virgina. There are "Prisoner Crossing" signs up in the neighborhood right by the prison. It actually has a blocky human figure with a ball and chain on it.

Down in south Austin there's a garden shop off Congress Ave. I guess the area's known to be frequented by "ladies of the night" as the sign in front of the shop once read, "We have the cheapest ho's on South Congress."

Last year (I haven't seen any in a while) there were "God" billboards up in Austin and Dallas (at least). Stuff like "If you take my name in vain again, I'm going to make rush hour worse."

Oh, and this one's been up for years, off I-35 south of town is a "Who's the Daddy?" ad for a DNA testing place. It's a nice compliment to the hwy 290 billboard east of town that advertises "Vasectomy reversal." (I swear that one's been up for a decade.)

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

I remember those billboards that were up in Austin that read, "Calvin Coolidge was the 30th President. www.calvincoolidge.com" so I went to the damn site and it was just something about outdoor advertising.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

At a radiator place five minutes from my apartment:

"Tony's Radiator Service: The Place In Town To Take A Leak"

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

There's a restaurant/bar in my hometown of Rutland, VT that has one of those little lighted signed with the removeable lettering -- they use it to announce bands, etc. A year or so ago, someone kept altering that sign. One night it read "$1 Wet Panties" and on another night, it simply said "So. We fart."

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Oh, and I do have one of those Slow Children signs. I like them so much that an ex stole one for me.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

On Highway 71 on the way to Austin from Houston:

BUY - SELL - CRACK Pecans

We were all excited because we thought we'd found a place that not only sold both crack AND pecans, but would buy our excess crack from us. No such luck, but at least I know where to go when I need my pecans cracked.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Uh, it's a lot funnier when "pecans" is underneath "Buy-Sell-Crack" in small letters...

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

There are two things on the drive to San Diego that make me go ape shit. The first are the huge pair of tits you pass on the right. Does anyone else know what I am talking about? The big tit shaped metal structures? Is it a plant or something? I don't know. But my best friend from high school had huge boobs. Everytime we would pass that part of the 405 I would say, "hey Laurie, what are your boobs doing on the side of the road?" hee. hee.

The second thing that makes my giggle are the border signs. The caution signs that show the family running across the side of the road. The mom's scarf is flying and so is the child she is holding by the hand. I guess the actuality is more sad than funny, but those signs make me laugh.

Now that I live in the south, I see things all the time that are strange, the difference is that they annoy me rather than making me laugh. Word to Clementine on the religious billboard she mentioned earlier. To add to that I have seen.....

DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE!--Jesus

I DON'T DOUBT YOUR EXISTENCE! --Jesus

READY OR NOT. HERE I COME! -- God

Is that blasphemy? Maybe not. But it is soooooooo tacky and stupid.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

My favorite sign is at the end of the Milwaukee Avenue exit off northbound I-94 in Libertyville, IL:

------------------ | | | <-- Six Flags | | | | College --> | | | ------------------

That's a life decision there, folks.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

in a cul-de-sac in omaha, ne, on the edge of a cemetary: "dead end."

i always thought it was funny as a kid.

have you seen the "what you can do when you're high on pot?" billboards?- they're totally blank. i know a kickass artist and i'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tempted to have him paint something amazing on it.

www.adbusters.org is pretty funny, too.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Agh, I tried to draw a sign up there and it didn't work. Just imagine the two options, one below the other. Oh well. Not as funny.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

There's one here that's more sad than funny. It's for ECLC, aka "Early Childhood Learning Center". LEARNING CENTER. Got that? Well, their slogan is:

"Let's Me Be Me"

Argh. Why would I bring my child to a learning center that can't figure out you don't need an apostrophe there?

There's a gas station near where we live, the sign says "GAS FOOD".

There's a hotel downtown called the Motor Hotel. Well, half the sign's burnt out, so instead it says "MO OR HO".

Ooh, INXS is on the radio - see ya. Time to grab the hilighter and pretend I'm Michael Hutchence.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

I love the BUY- SELL- CRACK sign. I think I've even written about it before here.

In Houston there's a real estate agent named Stan Creech or something like that. I just don't trust that name. Sounds like he's going to screw you over.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

My favorite sign ever was on this arcade that was trying to attract good kids, I guess. It said, "Jesus is Lord! Cold Pop!"

What could be better then your saviour and a glass of coke in one place????

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

They took it down recently, but there was this Red Lobster sign on the highway near my house where the little boiling lobster was feverishly trying to get out of the pot, and his eyes were all wide and popped out staring at you like, "Jesus Christ! Help me!"

I couldn't eat lobster at all while that sign was up. Haunting me every day.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Ok, Hamilton Ontario:

The pancake house in my neighborhood has these paper placemats covered in advertisements for local businesses. My favorite ad is the one for Dr. Peter Loveless.

Why is this humorous?

He's a vascetomy specialist of course.

Ye-ouch.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

In the hometown of my alma mater in Conway, Arkansas, there was a real estate agent named "DICK LONGING" so there were all these signs that said "Dick Longing Real Estate." One of the hobbies of us rowdy college kids was to steal these signs from around the neighborhood to decorate our dorms. He should have sold t-shirts.

There's a restaurant in Fernadina Beach, Florida named "The Crap Trap" with a picture of a crab which resembles a tick. They did sell t-shirts.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Where 271 meets 155 between Tyler and Longview.

EAT HERE GET GAS

oh, and another thing

NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER SHAKE A BABY.

jesse

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Huge boobs on the side of the freeway = San Onofre Nuclear Power Plant.. despite the fact that my dad had me convinced it was the Dolly Parton Memorial....

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

I can't remember exactly how it goes, but when I visited South Carolina, there's a sign that reads something like this: (I'll try to make this look like the sign, sorry if it doesn't work)

|--------------------------|
| <-- CLINTON |
| PROSPERITY --> |
|--------------------------|
| |
| |

I'm not big on politics, but I loved this one. And it was in the middle of a town where Republicans ruled the roost and Strom Thurmond was considered a god.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

a methodist church in advertised their HASH SALE

NOW HIRING LOSERS at a fast food restaurant (the day after i saw this they had changed it to "CLOSERS")

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Some actual signs for actual places around town(now defunct, I can't imagine why):

Fly-in-Food Mart

Scoot-thru Seafood

There's still a restaurant at the beach called "Something Fishy"

And then there's a little strip mall here with only two stores, their signs are big out front, one on top of the other: PAPERTOWN BLACK BELT WORLD

That one kills me.

There was a bar in Tucson called the Green Dolphin that had a sign saying "Hangoversinstalled and serviced"

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Not really a sign, but I thought I would add it since my dad did consider sending this to Jay Leno in reality.

When I was graduating from high school, my parents got a letter from the PTA or whatever group organizes our Project Graduation looking for volunteers and money. The letter started out like this:

"Dear Parents,

Project Graduation, the all night drug and alcohol party for our graduating seniors..."

Damn, I wish I had have gone. :)

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

I've lived in Houston almost all my life and never thought twice about our giant signs that read:

VASECTOMY REVERSALS!

But not every town has that, and I didn't realize this until I was 20-something. We must be the vasectomy reversal capital of the world.

And Erin, very funny, ha ha. Just because I really thought they were selling crack on the way to Austin, pppth.

I'm also fond of the house off I-45 here in town with the big yellow banana in the yard.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

oh, and i got a giggle the other day out of an erroneous sign on the way to work. (i work at a very religious place, just FYI.) the theater next door is having a funk concert next month, and the marquee read:

UNITED WE FU K

hee hee.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

This is only slightly related but ok, there is this woman in my neighborhood...y'all...how do I describe her house? For every holiday - and I mean every holiday, including like, Memorial Day - she decorates her ENTIRE yard with signs and light-up things and big-ass shit that almost makes me have a wreck every time I drive by.

The best touches are the HUGE letters she uses to spell out messages across the front. They are each maybe 6 feet tall, cut out of plywood and spray-painted white and they spell out [insert holiday representative here] IS COMING TO TOWN. For example: Currently, they say THE EASTER BUNNY IS COMING TO TOWN, and are back lit by about 40 or 50 light-up rabbits all demonically glowing with their baskets full of eggs.

I don't know but, she must be crazy. The letters are also used to annouce the coming to town of SANTA CLAUS, UNCLE SAM, THE GREAT PUMPKIN and CUPID (the first, accompanied by Santa and his gang, about 40 little glowing reindeer statues, a glowing Holy Family and a sign that reads "James Blake's Grandmother Lives Here." Poor James Blake...under his bed somewhere, don't you think?)

If her yard wasn't such a Dallas landmark at this point, I would SO love to sneak over there and spell out something else and steal a bunny. The house is at Midway and Northwest Highway, for any Dallasites reading here - I promise I am not making it up.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

There's a drycleaners one town over called Personality Cleaners. For some reason that just tickles my funny bone.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

The latest billboard on I-4 here in Orlando is an advertisement for the Orlando Predators. (Uh. To be honest I don't know what game they are.. I think it's that indoor football thing.) Anyhow, it's a picture of a pair of obviously fake breasts wearing an orlando predators shirt and it says, "Fake left.. fake right."

OK. So it would help if you had the billboard for the visual, but it made me giggle. I miss the Austin Powers "Virgin Shaglantic" billboards.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

i've seen this sign twice. once at the beginning of a hairy 3 way-merge-turny thing in riverhead, ny and the second right before this not-so-scarey-minor intersection near my house of hell.

it's a round white sign with a big black dot in the middle and it reads:

black spot accident area

what's that all about?

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

The front door to the lobby of my office building clearly states:

NO SOLICITING ANIMALS OR BICYCLES.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

It's not necessarily what the sign says that's so funny but it's the shape

The sign is for a Donut Shop called "Donut Star". It has a rounded triangle shape. However, there are alot of signs underneath it that makes it look like a giant penis sticking out of the ground. Sacramento has some wierd people....

Last night I drove by this other sign for a Pizza place called L Pissoli Pizza, but some of the sign wasn't working so last night it said L Piss Pizza. That was kind of funny.

THe last one I can think of is off of I-5 heading to Downtown Sacramento, we have this Shell Station where the letters all light up separately from each other. The S has been burned out for years so it now says Hell.

There's also this cow shaped sign on Highway 160 that has a different saying on it every day. That's not as interesting

miss moni

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Down the street from the bar we used to hang out at is a two story strip mall. Upstairs is a Karate Studio and downstairs a Pet Store. So the big neon sign says "Karate Pets". Some very talented animals I bet. hehehe Okay, well is funnier at 2am after a few Jack and Cokes.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

On I-35 in Sanger, TX, there used to be (or maybe still is) a sign for the Sanger Inn. It was laid out like this (my apologies if this doesn't work right): SANGER
INN
However, they'd enlarged the S and the R in Sanger to be the full height of the sign. So, of course, it looked like it read SANGER SINNR.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

there's a shop near my theater that's called "Seafood -n- Donuts."

I want to wretch every time I drive by it. Who puts those things together? Gack.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

We're sick people, but my roommate and I were always pretty amused by the "Eating out is fun!" stickers on the doors of several restaurants in College Station.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

I was in a restaurant once that had a sign reading simply: THIS IS NOT HERE

I always enjoyed that one.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

One of my favorites of all time is on the way from Dallas to West Texas (to visit my grandparents, of course... there's no OTHER reason to go to West Texas on purpose):

"C'mon In!!! Rattlesnake Farm and Petting Zoo"

Needless to say, one of these days I'm going to HAVE to check it out. Anyone want to send their kids WITH me?

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

i love these literacy campaign signs that say things like, "do you have trouble reading or know someone who does?" with an 800 number below. i don't want to meet the marketing wizards who came up with this one.

the drive on IH-10 from houston to new orleans is just chock full of hilarious signs. unfortunately, i'd been up for 24 hours already when i made that trip, so i honestly don't remember what any of them said, but just pay attention next time you make that trip.

i was recently driving down 51st toward IH-35 (here in austin, obviously) after having one of my worst days on record- you know, a teary-eyed, babbling basketcase, at this point, when i looked out the window and there's a tiny sign on this street corner that just says:

Hope --->

ok. maybe not so much funny as nauseatingly cheesey, but it had me rolling at the time.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

What about the signs that dot the interstate all across Nevada?

Prison Area - Hitchhiking Prohibited

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

On Damen Avenue, just north of the Kennedy in Chicago, there has been some new construction of these three-flat condo buildings that are going up all over town. All red brick and yuppie hunter green wrought- iron railings. Apparently the neighbors aren't too happy about this and are trying to discourage potential buyers from moving in, because the house next door hung a sheet out of one of their windows that says:

"Attention Condo Buyers! Noisy White Trash Lives Here!"

Makes me laugh every day.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Right outside of Pittsburgh is a sign for a small town called Fairchance. Next sign? Cheat Lake, 5 miles. It's amusing to me. Others? Well, I used to work at a family-owned deli and ice cream shop back in high school. The owners were also antique collectors and displayed the items in the shop. Their favorite antiques to collect were old signs for products. The one above the men's restroom said something about fertilizer and soiling. It was quite disgusting and I didn't have the heart to tell the owners their mistake of placing a sign about crap above the door. I know there are more that I have seen, as I used to live in Texas and they have the best damn signs!

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

I remembered more now that I just submitted my last response. Of course that would happen! This isn't really a sign but it's still funny. In the small town that I live in now in Pennsylvania, they post the weekly police report in our newspaper. It's called the Monitor and the reports are pathetic! One from a few years ago..."A resident of North Potomac Street reported someone was on her property without her permission. When police arrived to investigate the situation, they remarked that someone had spraypainted the word "booger" on her garage door. No arrests have been made". We also have the same kind of police report in the University of Pittsburgh's student newspaper. Last year, I cut these out..."A female living in Tower B reported not receiving mail on Sunday" and "University police responded to a call about an open door in Mervis Hall".

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

I'd hate to go to school here: http://camworld.com/misc/exa ms.jpg.

Oh, and how could I forget about this place? Off a fairly busy street near my apt is the POOP store (that's what the sign on the side of the road says - It stands for Previously Owned Office Products).

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

"Calvin Coolidge was the 30th President. www.calvincoolidge.com"

The first time I saw this billboard in Austin I was wondering who in the heck would pay to put that up. It wasnt until much later that someone explained to me that the company that diandra mentioned owns all of the billboards and put them up and then asked people who the 30th president was to gauge how effective their billboards are.

the VASECTOMY REVERSAL sign on the way from Austin to Belton on I-35 is also pretty funny. There doesnt seem to be a shortage of vasectomy reversal billboards.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

I live in L.A. and go to San Diego often, I know the huge tits off 405 you're talking about. I've often thought of taking a picture and superimposing the President between them. Those border signs are funny too, like, "Illegal Aliens running across freeway! Drive with caution!"

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

A friend of mine sent me a picture of a sign she saw on the highway that said "Bong Recreation Area, Exit 340." I tried to post the photo here, but I don't know how to do that. Anyway, I don't know where theis "recreation area" is, but I guess there are some REALLY happy campers there.

Here in Monkeytown, we have a "St. John the Baptist Catholic Church" and there used to be a place downtown that did auto work that was called "Butts Alignment."

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

oops! theis = this. Sorry.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

We have lots of "God" billboards down here. "Don't make me come down there." "C'mon over and bring the kids." But my favorite is also on my free keychain: "You're Number 1 with us!" ... from Evans Septic Tank.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

I work in a weird bar/club part of Tampa called Ybor City - it's sort of away from most of town. My favorite way to get there passes by what has to be the funniest place I've ever seen - a really, really lousy looking strip club/seafood restaurant (??) that says "Ladies Of The Sea & Fresh Cooked Crabs."
Ahem.
My other favorite signs were taken down recently. This is, again, in Ybor. They were put there in some useless attempt to try to control the amount of cruising people did, up and down Seventh Avenue.
A big road sign, with two amber lights above it, that said "Cruising Ordinace In Effect When Flashing." My mother the photographer saw those signs, and said "Wouldn't that make a great picture, to have someone standing underneath it, holding their overcoat open...."


-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

I live in Seattle, proud home of the BANGMI smokeshop. It's not that funny, but it's a refreshing break from the sterile yuppification of our downtown Pike Place area. So when you see it it's like: The Gap, Old Navy, tourist-y t-shirt store, BANGMI smokeshop. You gotta love it!

I saw a billboard the other day that read, "Drink beer, not milk", from PETA or some such silly animal rights group targetting college- aged kids. That one reminded me of my alcoholic vegan ex-boyfriend who took that phrase to new levels by actually pouring beer on his breakfast cereal instead of milk and justifying it by saying he was saving innocent cows. Now that's what I call a breakfast of champions, and this guy was definitely a real winner!

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Mis, the two "tits" is San Onfre Nuclear power plant. The beach there is supposed to have great waves.

There's a Chinese restaurant here in town called Uncle Wang's. Cracks me up everytime I drive by it.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

"sterile" Ha-ha! I slay me! Oh by the way, I forgot to add that the afore-mentioned breakfast cereal was *always* organic. I certainly wouldn't want to lead you to believe that my ex wasn't at all health conscious. No! Of course, he ate *organic* cereal with beer for breakfast.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Some guy along Boulevard (such a stupid street name) in SE Olympia put a sign up in his yard that read: No Dog Shit Please. Guess he was tired of his yuppie neighbors letting the dogs crap in his rosebushes. Heh.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Oh! How perfect! Maybe one of the other Austin types will have heard of this!

I was sitting happily in the morning traffic jam on 2222 yesterday, and I looked over at the truck idling next to me. It was from a local greenhouse - big truck, not a semi, but one of those big delivery types. Written in big, lovely, stylish letters on the side was just this:

"Fine Pot Plants"

I knew Austin was a pretty liberal town, but this seemed to take it a step further...

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

I just remembered this one:

When my family went to visit some of my dad's relatives where he was raised, we were driving around and my dad made sure to point out the Big Bass Motel. In all capital neon lighting letters, it spells that out on the building. When my dad was younger, the newspaper ran a picture on the front page when the 'B' in 'Bass' burnt out. I guess they didn't have anything better to run. Times were a helluva lot simpler back then, and that proves it.

To this day, his entire family and most of the people from the town who've lived there for quite some time still refer to it as the Big Ass Motel.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

In England, speed bumps=humps. So when I was over there, I snapped a picture of my favorite sign ever:

Humps for 450 yards.

That's a pretty active sign if you ask me:)

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

We have a park that doesn't have big enough spaces between the words. It reads: Stalker Park

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

I was going down to Louisiana and passing through Mississippi, right after the Tennessee-Mississippi border I believe, and there was a billboard that read "Jesus was a vegetarian. Http://www.jesusveg.com. Follow Him." The best part was the picture: it had Jesus surrounded by, instead of that holy light stuff around the head, an orange slice. And of course there was that sign, not sure where, along the lines of "God, Your clever billboard scheme has stumped me. I give up. Satan"

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

San Francisco Bay Area, land of pathologically clever dotcom everyfuckingthingintheworld. I don't remember what the billboard is advertising (how very surprising), but on the way to the aiport is one that reads: KEEP PURE ICE UNDER OWED. Say it out loud.

On another and entirely unrelated note, I propose a forum topic, per Pamie's approval: what's the item you keep buying such that you have inordinate quantities of it? Presently in my bathroom reside nine bottles of lotion. What am I doing with nine separate species of lotion?

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

last year, down here in plano, a woman named joy flick was running for some city council position. her signs had her name in HUUUUGE capital block letters.... but the "l" and the "i" ran a little close together, so it looked like it read "JOY FUCK." it was terrrrrible, yet so, so wonderful at the same time. we actually managed to steal one, which was no easy task because the thing was like 5 feet by 4 feet, and we had to stuff it in my little bitty talon hatchback with 4 people in it already. ah, vandalism.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Someone already mentioned something just like this.. but at a taco bell just around the corner from my mother's house in Melbourne, Fl the managers had used the removable letters to write out, "Now Hiring Closers"... but woops! Someone removed the 'c' in closers. My mother, of course, had to let someone know right away. So as a couple of the employees were searching the ground around the sign for the missing 'c' I grabbed my camera and snapped a picture of two taco bell employees crawling around in the dirt under the sign, "now hiring losers"...

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Ahh... Taco Bell signs. I saw one that said, "Now Hiring All Shits." It was replaced the next day with, "Now Hiring All Shifts." How sad. Oh, and I too crack up at the border signs.

friendly

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Seen in the backwoods of Maine:

"Bob's Meat Cutting and Taxidermy"

Like I'm taking my meat there....

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

This was on the outside of a church:

"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord"

...Oh God... Oh GOD.... Ahhhh....

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

shannon- the "hope" sign was part of a HOMETOWN HERO (aka it's cucumber season and there are no real stories to fill the noontime hour). some woman in hyde park started a food pantry and they showed the "hope" sign on TV. of course, this was right before "bold and the beautiful." the only reason i was watching... *ahem*

i know this isn't really THAT funny, but i always get a kick out of the "JOE'S CRAB SHACK" signs. i have a cup that says "JOE KNOWS CRABS." i'm sure he does... ;)

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

On a sign in front of a church:

WHAT PART OF THOU SHALT NOT DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

-GOD

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

A few years back, I saw a sign for a truck stop, I believe it was, or maybe an inn/hotel, that said SPARKLING RESTROOMS. KIDS EAT FREE.

That was some funny shit. =)

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

What about the pet grooming place in Austin- Doggie Styles. That's rich.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Bong Recreation Park is in Bristol or Pleasant Prairie Wisconsin. It used to be Bong Air Force Base. Friends will say "Whatcha doing today?" "Going to Bong". Oh, well....

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

I can't beleive no one has ever driven by a Black Angus restaurant and not seen the 'g' burnt out? Black Anus! Hah.

Also, when I was in Seattle I saw one of those 'Got Milk?' billboards with the bummed-out Cookie Monster unable to eat his cookies due to lack of milk. Someone had spray painted "torture isn't cute" on it. Right on. I don't like my muppets sad.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Update on the crazy sign lady's yard in my neighborhood -

She moved the big letters up closer to her house. She's never done that before! Guess she heard about my little plot to spell out: TED BUNDY IS COMING TO TOWN.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

I live in St. Louis. A local church has a sign that reads: God Saves Completely. I've always thought it was funny that they thought they had to add that completely.

Then there's the water tower with a huge Pepsi advertisement on its side.

I Brooklyn there is (or used to be) a Christian hair salon. "In His Image." I kid you not.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

In Oklahoma, about 30 miles in from Texas on I-35 (about an hour past the SANGER SINNR, now that I think about it), there are signs at the side of the road that read DO NOT DRIVE INTO SMOKE.

There's nothing around, except fields, which I suppose might occasionally generate smoke, but I wouldn't think it was so common that they had a problem with people driving into it.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Binghamton, NY was having problems with speeding so they put up signs saying:
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT
SPEEDING ON RIVERSIDE DRIVE
This naturally led to many jokes about the Thought Police. Eventually they stopped doing this because Binghamton University students would steal the signs almost as soon as they could be put up.

Jim

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Stalker Park made me think of a park that we have in New Jersey called "Lurker Park".

...What are you doing in this park?

Oh... nothing.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

I once ate lunch in a strip mall in Cleveland, OH that featured these two adjacent businesses, their signs right next to each other:

"US Armed Forces Recruiting Center"

"mr. hero"

(It's a sandwich shop.)

I also always like the signs on building entrances that say:

"Seeing Eye Dogs Only"

(What do all those dogs do in there, behind closed doors? Do they just leave the blind people waiting outside or what?...More realistically, who's reading this sign, exactly? The blind people? The *dogs*?)

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

One sign that's common around road construction areas is: Road unmarked, DO NOT OVERTAKE UNLESS SAFE TO DO SO. Now does this mean when the roads are marked it's ok to overtake when it's unsafe? Just asking. Always makes me giggle.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Lee, Bong Recreation Area is in Wisconsin. That sign gets stolen all the time!

My favorite sign was in front of a Wags resturant:

Kids Eat Free Clown Tuesday

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

I will never be able to live this story down among my friends from college so, I will just tell it here as it is sort of a sign story.

I was getting money from the ATM at my bank one day when I noticed there were little raised dots on the number buttons. I turned to my friend, who was sitting in the passenger seat and asked what they were. "Oh," she said as she began to laugh hysterically, "that's Braille - so that blind people know which number they're hitting."

She continued to laugh like it was the most hilarious thing in the world and I got all Politically Correct and all "What's so funny? Blind people have to get their money too! I think it's great the bank made this ATM accessible to blind people!!"

Yeah. We were at a drive-thru ATM. All those blind people driving to work everyday must feel really great about how convenient their bank has made things for them.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

At this little Chinese buffet restaurant near a friend's house, there's a sign on the door that says, in big bold letters, "We Close Every Tuesday."

Well, hot damn.

They've also got a sandwich board out on the sidewalk, with "DIM SUN ALL WEEKEND" painted in bright red 4-inch high letters.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

On the signboard outside a Minnesota church at which a friend was getting married: GETTING WHAT YOU DESERVE. (The bride and groom wouldn't pose in front of it, but several others did.)

On the signboard outside the highway motel in Princeton, Illinois during the early 70's: ENTERTAINMENT $27 A NIGHT

On the road between Dimock and Mitchell, SD: DICK'S AUTO BODY SHOP 24-HOUR TOE SERVICE

I love living in the midwest. Life is very funny here.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

mis, i know the big boobs you're talking about. we call them the dolly parton memorial. and the flying child is something that is made fun of by the local dj's all the time. i still get a kick out of both of them.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

i just remembered a sign i saw a few years back. it was on a stuart anderson's black angus restaurant, but the "g" was burnt out, so it simply said,

"black anus".

i about shit my pants when i saw that.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Thought of another one. There is a church in the River North area of Chicago, a very parking-congested neighborhood, that is just behind a police station. Apparently the church has a big problem with people parking in their driveway, because there is now a very official- looking metal sign hanging from the wall by the driveway that says, "Thou Shalt Not Even Think Of Parking Here."

I think it works. At least, I don't see anyone parked in the driveway anymore.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Yeah, those "DO NOT DRIVE INTO SMOKE" signs on Oklahoma highways are weird. The only explanation I can think of is that there might be smoke from the people out in the small towns burning leaves, or they might be worried about smoke from forest fires. In any case, it always seems random to me.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

When we went to Tennessee over Christmas this year we saw a sign outside Ashland City that read "Ho Made Biscuits". Nobody makes a biscuit like a good southern ho!

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

In North Carolina (or South, can't remember) there is a tourist trap called "South of the Border". Anyway, this place is apparently so great (I've never been there) that they must advertise it up and down the East Coast (below New England). I swear to God, they advertise it in New Jersey...I think the billboards even said stuff like "753 Miles to South of the Border". The other thing was that the billboards are ambiguous. You had no idea what the hell this place was, excpet that it had a little guy in a sombrero. I can't remember what they said, but they were funny. I've seen the billboards hundreds of times, but only past it once though.

I also like the little signs that show the trucks kinda of tipping over. I know its awful, but they're so funny.

There's a bank near my house and I don't think they've ever put anything bank related on the sign -- ever. Once it said "Its too hot to change this sign." Another time: "See other side." The other side said, of course, "See other side."

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Imparted 2nd hand knowledge on the smoke signs in Oklahoma:

I thought they were pretty freaky too, so I asked a friend from OK City about them. He said that in the early 90's they were doing massive construction along that stretch of road (which I can't remember for the life of me, even though I just drove it awhile back) and they put them up for the smoke clouds from that. Resurfacing or something. Apparently they just never got around to taking them down.

Of course, this may or may not be true.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

From my favorite (canniballistic) Thai restaurant: "The Better we cook, the Better you taste."

And, as far as the San Onofre Power Plant...I mean, come on! Those things have nipples! If that thing ever exploded...wouldn't that be a horrible way to die? Killed by a pair of giant boobs?

Also in San Diego, there's a place on a hillside visible from many roads, that just says "B". Like someone was trying to spell something out, but got tired and quit. Hee.

Yeah, those immigrant signs are so poignant. I mean, it's a little odd that while American Citizens have to settle for neuter stick figures with no knees or elbows, the prospective illegal immigrants are depicted with detailed sillouettes, complete with scarves and pigtails.

At my community church's marquee: "The grass is greener on the other side, so why not fertilize yours?"

And then, of course, there's the memorable, "Jesus is the REASON for the SEASON." billboards. One time, it was on the opposite side of a billboard that said, "Risque Lingerie" with a woman's naked figure. They're so clever. Make me wanna buy some fertilizer.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

i think i know the hillside you are talking about... it's actually a "P". it stands for Palomar (as far as i was told, but my husband told me and he could very well be full of shit), for the college and mountain located so very near by. but it does look a little retarded there all by itself, i must agree.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Oh! Thanks for the information.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

Does graffiti count? There's some graffiti on the side of building near the campus of the University of Iowa that says:

"Hemp can and will replace oil without pollution and without war".

Someone added an "S" to that, making it:

"Shemp can and will replace oil without pollution and wihtout war".

Brilliant.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

In response to Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura's statement to the effect that religion is for the weak minded, a Twin Cities area council of churches has put up billboards reading:

STRENGTH TRAINING FOR THE 'WEAK MINDED'

with the council name and logo below.

-- Anonymous, April 22, 2000

Funny signs I have seen:

In Liberty, NY (I think) there was a store that used to crack me up: "T & A Hardware" Then again, I'm easily amused.

I'm not sure this is here anymore, but just as you are entering Albany, NY from the west on Central Avenue (Rte 5) there are two businesses right next to each other: "Jewish World Printing" and "Gentile's" (a furniture store, I think) What made them so damn funny is that these signs were right next to each other and HUGE. I think this juxtaposition was even featured in the "True Signs" section of National Lampoon some years ago.

On Erie Boulevard in Schenectady there was a photography studio "Black Studios" that went out of business some years ago. The business left, but the neon sign remained. Eventually the last three letters burned out and so the sign read "Black Stud." It stayed like that for YEARS.

Here is something on a related topic which is kind of weird... I used to have a driving Atlas in my car and one day, while looking at the map I noticed two oddly named towns in the southern Adirondacks: "Sodom" and "Swastika." Good grief! Who would give a town a name like Sodom? Were they not terribly careful in their reading of the Bible, or were they advertizing? So, in a curious mood I tried to locate Sodom. A half an hour's driving around convinced me that there was no such town on the map where they said it was. The map makers (Rand McNally, I think) were having a goof. Anyone else had a similar experience?

-- Anonymous, April 22, 2000

"SLOW DOWN GET TICKET"

and i once saw this building from the interstate and all that it said was

"FAG"

-- Anonymous, April 22, 2000

The Home Furnishing lost two letters in the first name, so now "Ho Furnishing" be da plizzace ah sends all mah bitchiz.

Every time I drive to Utah to visit my mom, I just about die laughing on the way into Beaver county. "Beaver, 3 mi. Truckers welcome."

I used to live across the street from an art-house movie theater. They might have chosen their words more carefully when a particular film was about to end its run: "THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD ends Friday"

-- Anonymous, April 22, 2000

At a rec centre that was hosting some kind of all-day kids fest: "Pearkes Arena resents Tickles the Clown!".

And my favourite grafitti, ever: "I love you, sweatheart". Hee.

-- Anonymous, April 22, 2000

The movie theater right next to my favorite bar had a minor problem last summer with running movie names together on their very small sign. One night I was sitting outside having a beer at the bar, and I looked over at the movie theater sign, and laughed my ass off at the movie listings.

It said "IRON GIANT DICK".

-- Anonymous, April 23, 2000

My favorite local sign, just because of it's blatant venality, read:

HERBAL ECSTASY!!!!!! BUY NOW!!!!!!! USE ATM!!!!!!!!!

I like the idea of crazed herbal x junkies crowding into the store, atm cards clutched in sweaty palms.

-- Anonymous, April 23, 2000

on the 5 freeway between LA and SF there's this gas station that has a sign over the pumps that says - KIDS WITH GAS EAT FREE!!! (of course, the small print of 'fill-up' after 'gas' can't be seen from the road).....its excellent.

-- Anonymous, April 23, 2000

hey....the tits have a website.

http://www.sce.com/songs/

I just wanted you people to see for yourself. See? I am not sick minded. Boobs.

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2000

i spent a summer in oklahoma when my parents lived up there, and found out about those "Do Not Drive Into Smoke" signs.

it seems that there are some pretty wicked grassfires along IH-35 during the summers. a few years back, they had a really terrible one, really thick smoke. people, thinking it was no big thing, drove into it, only to realize they couldn't see shit. so they'd try backing up or turning around, smashing into cars behind them, in front of them...apparently it was quite a mess.

those signs have always made me laugh, and now knowing how they got there, i laugh even more.

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2000

I was in the Bahamas a few years ago, and there was a sign in a little souvenier shop with very low ceilings:

"Please Bend Your Head".

Uhm...ouch.

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2000

Somebody mentioned the vasectomy reversals signs in Houston. Just outside of my hometown of Topeka, Kansas is a sign that has been there as long as I remember.

MICROSURGICAL VASECTOMY REVERSAL (***)***-**** (HOUSTON)

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2000

in the town i used to live in, in massachusetts, in huge, HUGE letters: S & M LIQUORS. that one always used to make me laugh.

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2000

Remembered another sign...in a small town in northern Maryland, a sign reads "Godlove's Liquors". He does? Party on, Lord.

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2000

A Chinese restaurant in Portland, OR: HUNG FAR LOW

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2000

There's a hand-painted sign on the road from Perth to Dundee which invites you to "Bag Your Own Manure". Just in case there wasn't a service station nearby? My other favourite is the "Heavy Plant Crossing" sign just at Dobie's Garden Centre in Edinburgh. I can still see the picture I had in my head as a child of giant houseplants parading across the road...

-- Anonymous, April 25, 2000

I liked this one from Clementine: "Schools. I belong there. - God." Doesn't it just sound like it's supposed to be funny? Like, they might as well have written, "Schools. I belong there. I'm just saying. - God."

There's a metal, retro-looking Yahoo billboard on the way to the Bay Bridge, here in San Francisco that looks like a hotel or casino sign. It's got a marquee on it which reads, "You look cute today." God, I love passing by that thing!

But on the stupid front, there was a grocery store selling stuffed animals, and someone had made a bunch of handwritten signs advertising "Stuff Animals."

-- Anonymous, April 25, 2000

Spied as I dropped off drycleaning yesterday at the local Krogeropolis:

"Block cholesterol and Tackle your debt. (541) 464-4505"

Man. Talk about multi-tasking.

(P.S. - Somewhere on a major highway in Maryland into D.C., there is a strip mall with a HUUUUGE sign that reads "BEER WORLD." I have a photo of it, but I was in roadtrip mode and never wrote down the location. Needless to say, much hilarity ensued in the car over THAT one.)

-- Anonymous, April 25, 2000

in columbus, TX (half way between austin & houston) they have these lil' warnings before the low bridge under passes. it is a cable that crosses the street with yellow and black thingys hanging down from it. across the cable a sign reads "IF YOU HIT THIS YOU'LL HIT BRIDGE".

and when i lived in vermont i saw signs like "STOP HERE AT RED LIGHT" under the traffic light and "WAIT FOR GREEN LIGHT TO GO". i guess they don't teach you the rules of the road before you drive, you have to learn along the way.

-- Anonymous, April 25, 2000

There's a Chinese restaurant I pass on my way to work that's called Big Wong. That's just wrong.

-- Anonymous, April 26, 2000

What is the funny named street exit on the I-15 going to Vegas? Is it Zzyxx? Does anyone know what I am talking about?

-- Anonymous, April 26, 2000

There's a Lutheran church on the corner of a busy intersection with signs at both of its driveway outlets: THOU SHALT NOT CUT THROUGH.

Yeah, like that's going to convince people around here (Madison, Wisconsin), but at least it's good for a laugh.

-- Anonymous, April 26, 2000

Senior Garcia's, with a tilde over the N.

Those freeway signs that warn about sharp curves that show a semi tipping over. In San Francisco, there was a short little on-ramp with a turn leading into it. The metal shop on that corner had put up a sign on the telephone pole reading DAMMIT SLOW DOWN, probably because they got tired of having accidents in front of their shop every single day.

Big billboards, all over the twin cities, for AIG -- Auto Insurance Program. Guess they didn't want to be known as AIP (ook, ook!), but where the heck did they pull the G from?

In Berkeley, there's an underpass that goes under the freeway into an office park. Apparently a lot of people ride their bikes to work, with the problem being that at the low point, there's a storm drain where the grate was put in 90 degrees off--instead of the bars going perpendicular to the road, they're in line with it, so that if you ride a bike over it, your tire will slip down between the bars, jam, and with an interesting demonstration in physics, propel you bodily through the air, sans bike. Anyway, there's a yellow sign like a pedestrian crossing sign, with a bike, wheel stuck in the ground, a stick-figure businessman going head-first over the handlebars, brief case & travel mug aloft.

Here in Minnesota, they close the liquor stores at 8:30 on weeknights, and they're closed Sundays, in spite of the fact that you can buy cheap nasty beer by the case in any grocery store, 24 hours a day, but not a single bottle of anything good. That took some getting used to, but I still laugh at the irony of drive-through liquor stores...

-- Anonymous, April 27, 2000

Driving through Oregon this spring, I saw the greatest collection of road signs:
"Do not block exit ramps"
"Do not drive on median" (when the median was a three-foot deep gully)
The beautifully ambiguous "Rock"
And my personal favorite: "Do not pass snowplows on the right" Hee-hee.

Also, in an abandoned parking lot, "Parking for Pink Floyd only. Violators face pounded." I just don't get it.
Or, in the same vein as the Slow Children signs, I've seen "Caution Slow Sharp Curve Pedestrians Crossing."

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2000

Oh, yeah! And up by the hospital, someone has altered the ped crossing signs so that the little stick figures are all holding scythes. Ah, hospital humor....

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2000

There is a restraunt by my new apartment called:

FOODS OF GALILEE

And Barry's Sandwiches!

-- Anonymous, April 30, 2000

Feel odd posting, seeing as how the topic is pretty much dead, but...

Just outside of Glacier National Park, in Montana, there is a sign for a place called: Authentic Indian Crafts and Cappucino Bar.

-- Anonymous, May 02, 2000