Tell us about an anniversary that sticks out in your mind...sad, happy, bittersweet...how often do you remember it? Celebrate it? Mourn it? What do you do?

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

Answers

On November 20, 1996, I did something that I never thought I would have to do. I'd rather not go into the details but suffice to say, it was something that I was forced into doing as the result of a very, very stupid and careless period in my life.

I remember being 25 years old, out of college, with the equivalent of a Master's in Education, working, on my own, and thinking that I had foolishly thought I was past the point in my life where I could have fucked things up so badly. I remember feeling like a complete fool -- like I would never, ever get anything right.

But what I did that day was, ultimately, the right thing. It is not something I am proud of, or something I would repeat if a similar situation arose at this point in my life, but back then, for the girl I was then, and the position I was in, it was the best thing I could have done.

Still, it doesn't mean that I don't regret. Maybe I don't regret the actual act that took place on that anniversary, but I do regret the behavior and the lifestyle that led me to that day.

Like you, Mel, I'm to the point now where I don't think about it very often -- the shame only visits late at night, when I'm feeling low. I'm not constantly reminded and I don't find myself counting the days until the anniversary or marking my life by the fact that this year will be four years since that day. But I know there will never be a year that November 20th will come and go without me realizing it's significance. That day is also my sister's birthday, making it doubly hard to forget, and so as November approaches and I begin thinking of what Holly would like for a present, or as I stand in the stationary store selecting a card to send her, and when I return home to share her birthday with her, my joy at her special day will always be tempered with a few pangs of grief and shame. I try not to grieve or beat myself up continually throughout the day, but at some point, I do try to spend some time alone with my thoughts.

If I could change anything -- aside from taking it all back and never, ever making the mistake in the first place -- I would fix it so the anniversary didn't coincide with Holly's birthday.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

I was to be married on Oct 22, 1994. Three weeks before the wedding, he told me he did not want to go through with it. The breakup is really a whole other story, but I do still reflect on that day every year when it passes. I feel everything about it. Sad, happy, lucky, stupid ... I don't know. I can say, that as time has gone on, and I have grown to be a better person, one I really like now, the day affects me less and less. I probably feel more glad that it didn't happen and realize that it did not happen for some reason. Some days that is really clear and others it isn't, but whatever the reason, it helped make me who I am now.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

To me, the most affecting anniversaries are the ones that no one remembers but you. The dates that match the events that impacted you dramatically, but no one else. You bear the weight of those anniversaries alone, and sometimes it's really hard, because you look at a calendar and start flashing back to what happened on that day however many years ago and the worlds starts to spin and you feel like you won't be able to come back mentally into the present, where you are safe and things are okay. BUT...if it's a GOOD memory, then you can smile all day, because you know that it's your own special, secret anniversary that no one else may be conscious of or even remember. And you can crawl inside that memory and re-live it, if only for that one day.

"The holiest of all holidays are those Kept by ourselves in silence and apart; The secret anniversaries of the heart."

--Longfellow

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

Sometimes even if it's a sad anniversary it's a good one. My dear, dear friend Chris committed suicide several years ago, just a few days before Christmas (12/21). Every year on that day and on his birthday, which is actually tomorrow, I take a quiet moment and think about him. I try and concentrate on the good memories (one year I wrote a journal entry about it...it's in the center cannot hold section). Sometimes I take out our pictures from high school and leaf through them and read what he wrote in my yearbook. I don't really have anyone to share that with, because most of the people we were close to are no longer in my life. But that doesn't keep me from keeping him in my heart, especially on those two days.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2000

There are two anniversaries that I remember: one that only I recognize and one that I share with my family. The first was the day I told my children that my husband and I were going to divorce. It should have been something that he and I told them together, but without going into the details of our relationship its enough to say that I had to do it alone, even though he was right there as well. In my journal, I wrote that I would always remember that date as the day I broke my childrens heart. Even now, it makes me tear up to think about their reaction. There will never be a moment that causes me to feel more failure than I did that day, and that I still feel when I remember it. The boys have a good relationship with their dad, and Im most definitely a better and happier mother without that relationship. I just wish I never would have had to make them cry.

The second one is the anniversary of my dads death, Christmas Eve 1998. Theres only been one anniversary of that day so far, and it was very difficult to recognize that day at the height of the holiday season. I know that I havent dealt with his death like I need to, but it seems easier to think about it now that the first anniversary is over. Like the one-year mark was a big hurdle to get overknow what I mean? Its hard to explain. Christmas Eve will never be the same, of course, but he died at home, surrounded by his entire family, and I think thats exactly how he would have wanted it. Still, the memory is sharp and sad.

I wonder why the sad anniversaries are so much more memorable to me than happy ones.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2000

I've got sad and happy anniversaries, as everyone, I suppose.

The first one that sticks out in my mind is the day Pat left me, but thankfully I can't remember the exact date any more. I know it was in late March, a month and a half before our wedding was supposed to take place. Which leads to the second anniversary that I remember, May 18, 1996. For the first two years it was really hard on me and for most of the month of May I was pretty melancholy.

Last year it really didn't bother me so much, but I was in the middle of a friends wedding and closing on a house and moving. I had my mind on other things. Then we got the puppy and I had no time for that Pat crap.

It's coming up again soon, but it's really not bothering me much. It's been four years, and while that isn't much time it feels like a long time. I regret that I thought he was 'the one' but I've come to realize that I am so much better off without him. We would have ended up divorced and it's just better this way. It hurt me worse than anything I've ever known, but I'm happier now than I've been in my whole life. If it could have been different and I could have been this happy without all that pain, all the better, but I wouldn't change the outcome.

Now, for the happy anniveraries...

August 2, 1996 is when I started dating Dave. A mere six months after Pat left me, and you can bet neither of us was really ready for it. But there was something there stronger than either of us. There was no fighting it. I took a chance when I was scared to death and it's been the greatest thing I ever did.

October 9th, 1999 he asked me to marry him.

He says we're having our fourth and our zeroth anniversary this year. It's funny that he says that because I was in the card store yesterday looking at anniversary cards to give him on our wedding day to tell him it was our 0th anniversary. Man knows me really well!

Sept 9th, 2000 will be the anniversary I remember most. May 18th will eventually lose it's significance, but I'll probably never forget it. I'll have all those good memories to cover it up with!

-- Anonymous, April 22, 2000

I just realized I spelled the subject wrong on this thread.

Duh, Melissa. :-)

-- Anonymous, April 23, 2000