The Kymm Issue : LUSENET : Journal Sisters : One Thread

So, what do we think is the answer to this? Should we just ignore her? I HATE that we have to defend wanting to be have the weekend all to ourselves. Like Liz was saying, I guess the reason I was just angry without feeling bad was because I didn't think she liked me anyway. She has never read me, as far as I know, never writes to me, never links to me, blah blah blah.

I do feel sorry for her... she does sound more jealous than anything else. But I agree with Liz again, that just because she couched everything in "I know it's dumb for me to be feeling this way" terms doesn't lessen its effect of making us seem like exclusive bitches.

Argh. I so hate that we have to deal with this.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000


I just read everyone's emails on this again and I think we have a consensus (can't spell today!). We all really like Kymm, but we don't feel CLOSE to her because she doesn't share much of herself. She's not the kind of person to delve into her feelings and we're all people who do that.

I have to agree with Liz, let's not acknowledge her entry at all. When we're in New York or planning an event we'll decide who to invite. If it's going to be a hang out and have fun kind of party, we invite them because we like them, but if it's going to be an emotional, secret-telling, bonding kind of thing I just don't feel like they belong.

And I don't feel like we should have to explain it. Way back when I kept people at arms length I didn't have friends either. You've got to take the risk and share something of yourself before you're going to get close to anyone. It's the same thing with relationships and I think it's the reason she's not in one.

I feel bad for her but I'm not going to feel guilty.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

Hey! I didn't get E's email entry thing....Guess I'll just wait for the email gods to give it to me.

The thing is -- there's still a chance that it's not all about us. Rob's thinking it's partly about him, but I think it's at least partly about us. Who else was in New York and left her out?

And I'm pretty sure she didn't introduce any of us.

The thing is, I don't have the energy for this right now. I'm ignoring her. When I want to invite her, I'm inviting her, and when I dont' want to I'm not. And if she doesn't want to come because she's not included in EVERYTHING then FUCK her, she can stay home with the cats.

I just don't feel like I have to invite everyone to everything. When I have friends over my house I don't include every friend I have. If B&E come to dinner Nan doesn't get mad cause she didn't have plans that day. If I go to dinner with Tracing and Kymm you guys don't get mad at me because I didn't invite you.

It's stupid, and she's being a child and if we acknowledge it and kiss up to her we're playing into her hands.

I like her, and I want to be friends with her, but I don't like big babies. I don't see her going out of her way to invite US to things.

Every time I've met up with her it's been because of something I did or something Tracing and I planned.

HEllo -- if you sit home with your cats and dont' make any effort people aren't going to come banging down on your door!

Sorry, I'm cranky and upset about other crap today....

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

Ahhh... I don't check the mail very much, but I'll always get it at home if you send stuff there. Just got it now, in fact, and a reply from Jennifer.

I love the entry, and I agree with everything you said, but like Liz I'm a wimp. I probably wouldn't name her or be so directly writing about her. Cause the thing is, It is absolutely possible that it didn't start out being about us and only that last little dig was about us.

I think it's perfectly acceptable to write an entry about why we didn't include anyone else in our weekend, or about the different kinds of frienships, etc. Let her sit and wonder if it's about her. I think I might just write an entry just like that, cause I was on that track for today already.

I'd totally back you all the way if you did want to use that exact entry, but I'm just saying the way I'd do it if it were me. I'm in the Wimp Department and I'd probably be more vague about it.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

I've been emailing Rob too.... He's cheating on me and I'm pissed that you didn't include me :):):)

I'm letting her stew in her own vinegar. Did you write her?

I'm up to my ears in bullshit from people like Leora, I certainly don't need CRAP from Kymm because I went NYC and didn't include her. GROW UP. It's not my damn fault she's home with her cats.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

Oooh, I hope he does. He really knows how to stick it to someone!

I still have a niggling doubt that the first entry was about us. My gut says it was, but there is some possibility that it wasn't.

Either way, I still think she's a whiney baby and I don't like it.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000


E. I just read the draft of your notify update and I have to admit that I'm torn. Part of me feels you should post it because you're right and it's how you feel and it's your list and you have every right to respond to a guilt trip that was written so publicly and I totally agree with everything you said. But, on the other hand, the wimpy part of me (the part who thinks that everything is best handled by remaining as passive as possible and hoping things just work themselves out ;), doesn't want to see you end up in some sort of war with Kymm.

Not that I think you're afraid of her, or that I'm particularly afraid of her, either -- hell, the only thing a flame war would get us is more hits ;) but I just wonder if it will make things worse. Like she already is being a big jealous baby and now she'll feel like we're picking on her to boot. I mean, you're entry was really nicely worded and reasonable, but Kymm is obviously not reasonable or we wouldn't have this problem in the first place.

My first reaction was to tell you to send it but to take out any direct mentions of Kymm. You know say something like "I get the feeling that some other friends of ours are hurt because they weren't invited..." and then go one to explain your position without using any names. But then I thought why should you have to tiptoe around her? You are entitled to express how you are feeling just as much as she is.

Sigh. It's a tough one and really it's up to you. I don't think sending the note is going to ruin anything and I really don't mind if you do. But it's really your call. I'm going to take the tactic of not acknowledging her for now but whatever you do, I'll stand behind your decision and back you up if push comes to shove.

See, what you need to remember her is that I am a complete wimp when it comes to asserting myself (no really?) but if you feel that this is something you need to do then I will place myself wholly in your camp and fight to the death if a flame war ensues. :)

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

Okay, I just read her entry for today.

Now, I'm pissed.

Yesterday was okay because she was in pain -- today she's just throwing a tantrum.

Although, I do have to wonder if maybe her original entry was not in response to our weekend and was perhaps in response to something else (remember she did do that whole business about having Friend A and Friend B and introducing them and they hit it off and start doing stuff without her). What do you guys think?

Although, I know definitely that that crack about how she caught up on everyone's journals today and they all had wonderful weekends with friends they love and who love them was directed at us.


-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

A copy of my e-mail entry, since not everyone got it (Colleen, I think I sent it to, if that makes a difference!) I modified it a bit, given her entry for today...

------ All right, I have to get this off my chest, and since the last thing I want to do is start any kind of flame war, I'm doing this via the notify list rather than as a public entry.

If you do not read Kymm, you do not need to read the rest of this entry, because you won't know what I'm talking about. If you *do* read Kymm, then you obviously have realized that in her entries of 4/18 and 4/19, she was talking about us, about me, Colleen, Melissa, Corina, and Kate, and probably Rob too, because we spent the weekend in New York and did not include her.

Let's put one misconception to rest: we do not dislike Kymm. We do not hate spending time with Kymm. This weekend was so NOT about avoiding Kymm. We did exclude her on purpose, but it had nothing to do with who she is. We excluded ALL the NYC people that we knew, of both the journaling and non-journaling sort. All of us had friends in the city we could have called, but we didn't, because this weekend was not about seeing everyone we possibly could.

It was about five women who have a connection to each other that defies explanation. We have known about it for a long time, but we have never had the opportunity to be together without something else taking up the bulk of our time, like Melissa's play in December, or my trial competition in March. The fact that this particular weekend took place in New York was happenstance. It could have been in Philly, or here, or in Paducah, Kentucky. The location was not the point. We just felt very strongly that we needed to have time to ourselves. I don't feel any particular obligation to explain it any further, nor do I feel it's something to apologize for.

I did make a big *fake* deal about not being able to meet Rob, and in retrospect, that was probably a mistake. But it's a perfect example of what I'm talking about. He had certain plans in the city that did not include us. Were we hurt by that? Did we think it was because he didn't like us? Of course not. He simply had other plans.

I cannot, and should not, apologize for making a connection with one person -- or four people -- that I didn't make with someone else. We all have friends of varying degrees of intimacy: friends we hang out and drink with, who we have fun with, who are generally all around great people, are not necessarily the ones we tell our deepest darkest secrets to. It doesn't mean we like them any more or less than the next person. It's just different. Not better, not worse, just different.

I happened to find, through this medium, four other women with whom I can share anything. It is wonderful, and it is rare. Do I feel that way about Kymm? No. I'm certain she doesn't feel that way about me. I am sorry she had her feelings hurt, and I wish I could make her understand that this wasn't about slighting her. Yes, we made a conscious decision to keep to ourselves this weekend, and we will not apologize for that, but we did not intend any harm.

Now: Kymm is not on my notify list. I am not sending this to her, because this involves all five of us, not just me. But if you keep a regular correspondence with her and feel some obligation to tell her about it, all I would ask is that you at least include a copy of this when you write to her.

I am a little bit upset that I felt any need to justify this weekend at all, but I did. I wanted to give it some perspective, to try to make people understand, because Kymm's entries were very compelling and it would be easy to get the wrong idea. Please just know that this had absolutely nothing to do with how we feel about her, and maybe we can leave it at that.


-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

So, Liz... after today's entry, do you still have reservations about me sending this?! 'Cause I'm seething, I really am.

I do think yesterday's entry was all about us. She's so megalomaniacal that she probably thinks she's responsible for any two journalers becoming friends.

But Liz, you're so right... the last thing I want to do is start a war. I haven't gotten any unsubs from my notify list, so I'm guessing that very few of our readers are so in her camp that they won't read us anymore. But nobody's actually written in support of us, either.

But I just hate that she disses and disses us and we say nothing. She was so condescending in her entry today -- "I'm so fucking happy for you" -- that I want to defend us. But I know that's not always the right course of action. Sometimes it really is better to turn the other cheek.

I'm going to stew about this for a while. Please continue with any pro or con arguments... I need some perspective!!

Meanwhile, I'd like to just say how happy I am that Patrick has not weighed in on this... he's redeeming himself, a little!! (And I hope I didn't speak too soon!)

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

Post it, Elizabeth. And I hope someone DOES send it to her.

This is fucking OUT OF CONTROL.

Grow UP, Kymm.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

Nope, no more reservations after reading today's entry. It's almost like she didn't get the reaction she wanted out of us with yesterday's entry which was to have us come running and apologizing and telling her how much we like her and how very sorry we are that we dissed her, so now she's pissed and being snide.

If you want to send, girl, by all means, send it along.

The only person I'd check with is Rob. He's involved -- even if it is only on the fringes and well, I'd see if he's comfortable with being involved.

If it comes to a war, it comes to a war. So be it. We can't cower and lick her boots just because it's easier.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

**I've been emailing Rob's what he said**

>RIght now, though, we're all unbelievably pissed off >about Kymm's fucking fit in her stupid entries.

Yeah, I hate that kind of passive-aggressive bullshit. I really really do. Has anyone written to her, or are you all letting her stew inher self-pity?

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

Well, I guess Rob is three-timing you, Coll because he and I have been discussing it too. ;)

He actually said he was thinking of writing about it tonight too -- but he said he wanted to do it in a vaguely irritating and annoying way a la Kymm. ;)

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

Our little Rob does get around... I think he's trying to make nice to all of us for not meeting us in NYC. (We've been e-mailing too, but mostly yesterday!)

I'm glad you all are okay with my e-mail -- I'm sending it out tonight. The only thing I don't want happening is if she gets a copy of it and then responds to it in her journal. If she does that, then I'm going to turn the e-mail entry into a REAL entry, and then I will be DONE. I will not get involved in a flame war and besides, I think sentiment is on our side.

I have a few things to finish up here at work, and then I'm heading home and will figure out this hotrate thing.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

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