Please, please, pretty please, can you do a match report for tomorrow? I do the match reports for Nufc-the-truth and can't do tomorrow's (haven't been able to bring myself to do Sunday or Wednesday yet). Sorry, I know it's a cheek...

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

Answers

I'm really sorry Dougal, but I have to go to a wedding reception after the match, so am even less likely than usual to be able to type anything after the game. The lass 2 seats along from me is getting married, and she's coming to the match in her wedding dress (probably be on MotD). She's invited loads of us along and says that B&W shirts are not only going to be tolerated, but insisted upon.

Why not ask Clarky if you can use his? He writes an excellent report after most games and has the advantage of less axes to grind and a better view than me and also writes more about football (I'm your man for meterological conditions and Bovril). :-)

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

Is she Egon Smarty who's marrying a Warren Barton Lookalike? Read this in the Mag.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

That's the one! She cracks me up, got the loudest voice you ever heard and can be heard at every home game shouting at the ref:
"Why don't you just put on a red [blue, white, yellow, green, claret] shirt on and have done with it!?!? You know you want to!"

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

Sorry Dougal, but I won't be able to help you out this time. I'm over here in Washington DC at the start of a 2 week holiday, so I'm afraid I won't even be at the game this weekend - other than in spirit that is!
I could offer you a report on the Baltimore Orioles baseball game that, weather permitting, I'm going to on Monday night if you think that would help?

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

How`s the weather Clarky? (:o)

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2000

I'm sure Rik and his pal Ace could make one up for you Dougal. After al, he makes everything else up.

BTW - it's pissing down here on Guernsey. Hope it's better at SJP and in Washington CD (that's County Durham).

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2000

You've sussed me, Screach!
Actually, it's rained all bloody day here, and our luggage still hasn't arrived,including my golf bag c/w new Calloway graphite-shaft irons!
With the Toon losing, things haven't got off to a very auspicious start.Been to a sports bar tonight to watch the makems get possed in a poor game - their defence is worse than ours. Was scanning between the makem game and the MSL game that Ciara was at - hard to tell which was worse.
Ah well, things can only improve, I suppose!

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2000

Match Report

shite

I thank you.

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2000

Very descriptive Softie. Says it all I guess. I was wondering about the 'in & outs' of the game, but I suspect it's not worth the bother - I guess I'll just go back to the sunbathing!

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2000

Probably for the best Clarky, I actually toned it down a bit; I nearly qualified it with an adjective as well.

Shay Given was on Cafe Sport this evening, so he hasn't done the decent thing and hacked his own head off with a butter knife or anything else helpful like that.

What Bobby should have done at the end of the game is pay the subs half pay, Barton time and a half, fine the rest of them a week's wages and handed Given a P45. Disgraceful carry-on. I think we should rest Nobby for the last 5 games to stop his price depreciating any further. Any scout from Madrid would have left before half time.

Humph. I didn't even get on the telly despite being sat next to the bride and groom...why not? Because they showed the film they shot while I was off in the kharzi. Must try harder, I'll never match Jonno's media-presence at this rate.

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2000

Thank you for making me spit chocolate all over my laptop screen, Softie. Just as well I'm giving it back to my soon-to-be-ex-employers in 10 days(not that I'm counting days or anything). That comment about Given killed me! This is one week I'm thankful we didn't get extended highlights of our match. The goals let in, and the chances missed condensed into 2min was more than enough. I'm not sure whether to look forward to Leeds on Sunday. They died after 15-20min today, though Martyn made some good saves. I think it's time to restore Harper to goal, so we have some chance of keeping Leeds out. Hopefully Bobby will work his magic this week to get the lads geed up again. If we can get our Wembley form back again, we'll have no problems on Sunday.

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2000

Fear not Ciara. Leeds will be absolutely knackered after their midweek game against the Turk. If anything their recent form has been worse than ours, and they are also suffering from no squad depth.

Bobby give the lads two days off to get some rest and recharge the batteries. It's not like they've got anything to play for the rest of the season.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Softie,
You were on MOTD. Right at the start in the programme round- up bit. Didn't see your face but recognised the denim jacket and both yelled "there's Softie!!"

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Loved the match report Softie - made me smile, which is no mean feat this weekend! (:o)

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Softie,
Thanks for your slightly expanded report.You're narrative's always paint vivid pictures, and I've certainly now got the whole gory view of this one - headless Seamus et al!
BTW, I thought you were exclusively the climatic and Bovril commentator?

I'm sitting here at 3:30pm in Washington DC (not Durham County, as per Screacher!) f@rting around on the net with the rain blanching down outside - 4inches forecast in 24 hours. Cr@p weather is such fun on holidays - especially really costly ones!!!

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Hey Clarky. You shoudda joined the party at Hotel Dougal. There was a lot of f@rting around there as well. Shame aboot the weather. If it's any consolation, England's under water.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Headless Seamus has had all the chances he deserves now. I kind of understood not playing Harper at Wembley after he froze in the Final last season, but only after Dr Bill pointed it out to me. I was already unhappy before the Semi about his extended run in the team. I know that Bobby has a job to do insofar as instilling confidence in the players is concerned, but Given spreads panic in the backline, and they have never been high in confidence to start with.

This terror of the ball, particularly kicking it, is simply unacceptable in a footballer. Without the ball there really isn't much to go along for, is there? It seems that so long as the thinking is taken out of the equation for him, i.e. somebody blasts it at him from short range, he's absolutely magnificent, but ask him to deal with a simple backpass or a speculative cross, and he goes to pieces.

I never normally barrack our players, but on Saturday I was moved to scream at him. Some Leicester clodhopper had moved down into the Leazes/East stand corner and was trying to cross. There was no backup in the middle of the park, but he decided on a hit and hope. He didn't get any backlift on the ball so it span along the deck right through the 6 yard box. Given stood rooted to the spot, too scared to stop it or kick it and it went just passed the onrushing Leicester winger on the far side, and out for a throw-in. Narrowest of squeaks. Totally unnecessary. We should have been launching the ball down their end but instead got pinned back in our half and continued to cede the initiative. Disgraceful. Let's not even talk about his new- found ability to get both hands to a ball and push it inside the far post. 6 bloody points that would have been the making of this season hoyed away!

It must and will be Harper on Sunday or there'll be a revolt. The only hope I can take from it all is that Shay looked as miserable as sin on Cafe Sport, so presumably a good deal of YBR's half hour haranguing he gave them was aimed at the "goalkeeper". It's right and proper that nothing is said in public, but I hope to high heaven that Bobby has made it quite clear that IF Given plays again, he'll be playing for nothing less than his NUFC future. We're aspiring to be a great club, not a rest home for crocks, shirkers and the gutless. [Rant Mode off]:-)

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Not to mention 'bold' mode.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

The thing is, he'll make a great save a la Sheffield Wednesday or even that save at West Ham last week, but then concede the sloppiest goal known to man. And let's face it, has Stevie EVER done a Dublin on us? Has he ever conceded as mad a goal as the first two against Everton ta home last season. Sorry, Given has a lot to learn. So has Stevie, but he's way better than Shay at present.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Sadly, I have to agree. When Given first came back into the side, there didn't really seem much between him and Harper. Given seemed to have finally found that bit of confidence. But he seems to be losing it more with each game rather than getting stronger. I'll leave it to coaches to find some way of sorting him out, but I do hope Harper is back in goal on Sunday. He may not be the finished product, but he is decisive in whatever he does. He has yet to inspire the kind of nerves in me that Given tends to at some point in a game. Much as I'd hate to see Given go, it might be better for him to go someplace where he can be guaranteed a regular start, and under less of a spotlight than NUFC. Might give him the chance to get his confidence back.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000