I won't get into details with my situation, but I have a few questions:

1. Who's ever been told by a close friend that "I can't be friends with you right now, but later on we can be"? What was your reaction to this? Did you believe them? Did you think that the friendship could be put back on track at a later date? Did this actually happen?

2. If you were out of touch with a formerly close friend for a fairly long to long period of time and then they came back into your life, what happened?

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Answers

On no. 1 - to me the quick and dirty answer is "fat chance."

On no. 2 - no easy answer to this one. As they say, "circumstances alter cases" (think I got that right) could happen depending on the whole schlamoozle.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

On no. 1 - that would depend entirely on the circumstances. If they do need space, I can certainly give it to them.

On no. 2 - easy answer on that one: it was as if they never left. It's amazing how quickly one call fall back into that comfort zone with an old, close friend.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

I find it funny that at this point only guys have answered this one...

1. No one's ever actually said that to me in so many words, but they've done it. It gets strange and awkward when we try to be friends again, but it has worked. Maybe they had things going on in their life that just couldn't wait, or vica versa. My best friend from kindergarten and I are like that. We can not speak for months (one time even a year or so) due to the circumstances in our lives, but once we get back together, we have a brief catch up session and we're right back where we were again. It takes an awesome friendship to survive this method though, I think.

2.It really depends on the friend. (See above.) I have another friend that moved not even an hour away and can't seem to return a single e-mail or phone call I've sent her way. That really hurts. I just found out this week that her family is moving to California, so when she's on break from college, she won't be coming to town to visit the folks anymore. And it doesn't seem like that big a deal. The strain on the relationship is too much I guess. Maybe if things turned around, I'd feel differently.

All in all, I think it depends on the friendship's strength. And of course, on the circumstances surrounding the pause in the relationship. But I think every friend is in your life for a reason, so give it the old college try so you can't look back and kick yourself in the butt when you realize you miss that friend.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

My so-called "best friend" and I have had this problem, because every time he starts dating someone he withdraws from all of his friends, sometimes for months, sometimes for years. I've known the guy for a decade and I think for four years or so we were not talking because no one mattered to him as long as he is getting laid. Then he breaks up and suddenly wants to come around complaining about how bored he is. Why I put up with it, I dunno. I guess we've just known each other for so long, it's kinda nice to have someone from my past still involved in my life.

I've had other friends I don't talk to for a long time because we live in different cities.. especially old college friends and punk rock buddies, but some of these folks I can get together with and still have a good time.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

I'm on the other side of things. I've had a "friend" for the last 20+ years and, I'll just say it, I want to dump her. But how do you do it? Our lives have diverted down such different paths, it's not even funny. And I feel the only reason we've got a friendship still going now is because we have such a long shared past. I end up getting together with her (rarely) and inviting her to all my events out of OBLIGATION and nothing else. Sure, I enjoy myself when I'm with her, but I'm not fulfilled by the relationship at all because we have nothing in common now, other than we're both female and we're both alive on this earth. Help me.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

Oh gawd... answer to number one: Run. Run far and fast. I had, not one but TWO people do this shit to me and it is the most HORRIBLE experience I have ever been through. "Sure, I'll be your friend, after I can see how long you'll stay on hold for me." No friendship is worth that. I learned that. It's not respectful, it's certainly not FAIR (and yes, I know, I know, Life isn't). If a friend has a problem with you then the relationship needs to be strong enough for you to talk about it and work it out, then maybe MUTUALLY decide if there needs to be a break... but just being told: "I need time away from you, I'll be back" is the shittiest thing. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Fuck that.

Sorry. Can you tell I have Issues? Heh.

As for number two? Kind of the same thing, really. I had a six month break from some folks that I thought I "really missed"... but being back in contact with them, I'm so over the friendship. I've realized that I really haven't missed them at all. If a friendship ends, it's prolly for good reason, and prolly should stay ended. But, again, I have major issues with this, so YMMV.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

1. Someone did say that to me once. I was taken aback, but sympathetic -- she'd had an accident, her mother had died; she said she was so emotionally snowed under she was cutting back on her friendships. "That's fine," I said. But as the weeks, months, years rolled by I gradually realised I'd been dumped. I was hurt then, I thought I must have been a drag to be around or something, so she'd made up an excuse ... ick. I think it's bullshit to say you might want to be friends again later ... you're friends or you're not.

2. I've travelled a LOT, lived in several different countries, and have picked up many friendships after long breaks with no problem. Others don't survive; it depends on where we're at. If a friend has become a religious fanatic it's generally over, but otherwise it's fun catching up. Sometimes the friendship is even better than before. Oh, I just realised, maybe I'm the other person in question 2? The one who reappears: "Hi! How're things? Gosh has it REALLY been five years? It only seems like yesterday."

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

I haven't heard from my friend who we'll call JJA in nearly two years. He moved to Czechoslovakia at the end of '96, returned briefly to Sydney during '97 and I last saw him then. By this time JJA had done me what I considered to be a great wrong (won't go into it all here; if anyone here should be remotely interested they may like to click here for the sorry details), so we were not exactly on the best of terms. He gave me his address and I wrote him a couple of times, but he never bothered to write back so I never persisted.

And then, the other day, I got an email from him (another friend of ours went overseas, visited him and gave him my email address) suggesting we get back in the regular contact we used to have with each other. Operating on the assumption that he never bothered to answer me when I tried to contact him two years ago, I'm declining his suggestion by refusing to answer him. Which probably sounds terribly petty of me, but I do take a certain offence at him trying to get in with me by acting like nothing's gone wrong. Unfortunately I remember some things done against me and I bear grudges accordingly. It's a damnable pity, because JJA was one of my most valued friends and associates at high school, and I don't particularly like this outcome. But too late to patch up the damage now, though

-- Anonymous, April 15, 2000

#1: Hasn't happened to me yet. Not sure how I would react.

#2: Funny this comes up now - I am currently in this situation.

A friend from 2nd Grade, who I was super-tight with all the way through elementary, high school and well beyond. She went from bookworm who never had a date in high school to complete floozie who slept with anything male that crossed her path in college. She even had a nervous breakdown because her reputation caught up with her and she found out at a party that she had either slept with every guy there, or the ones she hadn't had been warned away from her.

I stood by her through every choice she made, whether I agreed with it or not, because we were such close friends. I was always there for her, and always looked out for her. In 1992 she slept with the guy I was dating at the time, and although I didn't really care about the guy (he was a filler during a break-up the love of my life and I were going through) it spoke volumes about my "friend's" priorities. Still, I remained friends with her, but it was a strained friendship.

Later, she was getting married, and proceeded to make all kinds of casual and cruel remarks to me, like, "I would have asked you to be a bridesmaid, but I didn't think you could afford the dress." After too many of these off handed insults I finally had enough, and walked away from the so-called friendship.

Last month she called me out of the blue. She had gotten married, divorced, remarried and had a child in the time we had been out of touch. She apologized for the way she had treated me, and said she knew she was making all kinds of mistakes in the past, but she wasn't in the right frame of mind to correct her behavior then.

We ended up having a nice catch-up conversation, and I was certainly pleasant, but still leery of her. I think I always will be. I figured it was her way of cleaning out her mental closets, righting some wrongs, and taking care of loose ends. Thought I wouldn't hear from her any more after that, but I have. And even though she wants to re-establish our friendship, I can honestly say that I don't want to. I can hold on to a grudge with both hands.

However, if circumstances were different, and a friend moved away for years or something, then no problem. We could just pick up right where we left off.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

I've never had someone tell me in so many words that they wanted to put our friendship on hold, but it has happened. And in a couple of cases, we did get close again when we could spend more time together. It depended on what their reasons were for needing time off. I can understand being overwhelmed by life.

I have also gotten back in touch with people after years passed (either they contacted me or vice versa) and sometimes we then picked right back up, sometimes we talked about getting together but never did, sometimes I didn't feel like following up. Again, depends on the person.

I am a big flake about keeping in touch with people myself so I'm inclined to grant slack to others. Right now I have two friends I haven't had any contact with in months, for no particular reason, and I feel sure I can just call/email them and we'll pick up again. One of them, at least, is insanely busy herself so I know she'll understand.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Well, neither case is "life interfering" so much...The first friend who dumped me said I was reminding her too much of our mutual ex-boyfriend and that she couldn't be my friend for awhile, but wanted to later on.

The second is unconfirmed, but sounds more like "I just can't take how you're acting right now." Another one bites the dust...

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

And once again, this topic rears its head...If you check the last message I posted to this topic before now, (i.e. the above message), it's friend #1 I'm referring to. I've been notified that she will be in town the last week of August and wants to see me, but is too afraid to call me. And she should be, because I am still quite pissed at her for dumping me in the first place.

The mutual friend who told me this suggested that I call or e-mail her telling her just how pissed I am (very), which would hopefully lead to clearing the problem up, as opposed to my "might as well drop it, what good will it do to tell" attitude. Seeing as telling other people I'm pissed at them has done me no good in the past, I tend to believe this won't help.

I'm not hugely wanting to be friends with her any more (pissed), but she used to be one of my best friends, and I've got so few of those lately, can I really afford to go rejecting another one?

I'm stumped, folks. People normally dump me permanently.

What do you think?

-- Anonymous, August 11, 2000

I don't know enough about the situation to know whether this particular friend is one to whom you should give a second chance, but I would thoroughly reject the idea that a bad friend is better than no friend. There are plenty of nice people in the world; you can choose your friends.

-- Anonymous, August 11, 2000

The confusing part to me is that she used to be a very, very good friend.

But I'd beg to disagree with you on the easiness of finding new friends: I know very few people I have that much of a connection with. and I have yet to find replacements this year.

-- Anonymous, August 11, 2000

1. I'd hope my friends would be more tactful or at least more passive- aggressive than that.

2. I just got back in touch with a formerly close friend, and I'm glad.

Meanwhile, maxine's post (way) above holds great interest for me right now. I just had Annoying Phone Conversation #42 with a formerly close friend who apparently thinks I'm really stupid and worthless all of a sudden.

(I'm gonna stop posting right now before I go into a long diatribe about this with all the turkey and the trimmings. That's not a healthy way to spend a Friday night, is it?)

-- Anonymous, August 12, 2000

I had a "friend" like that. I'm new to the city. Well, it's been about two years but I can't seem to get very close with anybody here. I try not to expect too much, but I can't stand it when people bullshit me. Be real. Be simple. Be fun. That's all I ask. But this guy really broke my heart. I met him almost a year ago and I just loved him to death. I knew from the first time I saw him that I wanted to be his friend. He radiated this kind vibe that felt just like sitting in sunshine. I really thought he had my back because we just always seemed to be so chill together. We'd talk, drink, dance, hang, smoke, talk about his latest conquests...whatever. Sometimes it got pretty deep. Then one day it was like "Ok...I'm putting my mask back on now." And he was just...gone. He's still in my life but it's like we never even knew eachother more than as passing acquaintances. I'm not allowed in anymore. If I try to get in he does mean shit to me. I saw him last night. He was, of course, the center of attention and surrounded by his "public." Love that nightlife, right? It's like, we still communicate. I still call him for lists and gigs (i'm a dancer). But it's so hard. When I saw him last night, I wanted to say hello and maintain the facade of dignity, but all I could do was just keep walking. I felt so hurt. So invisible. Like I could fall off the face of the earth and no one would notice. I didn't know how disposable I was until I met him.

-- Anonymous, April 05, 2001

I killed this topic for nine whole months. Woo hoo!

And now I can't even remember which friend I was carping about.

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2001