My boyfriend and I live together in LA. I just got accepted to a graduate school in San Francisco, and I was offered a decent-sized scholarship to boot. We've been discussing our options, and a long distance relationship is currently the front runner. He has a job he really doesn't want to leave (with a promotion and raise coming up) and I don't want to pass up grad school. We don't want to hold each other back or end up resenting each other. (BTW, we've been together for a year.) So... is this the mature solution, or is this going to kill our relationship? What do you think?

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Answers

Hi, Monique, here's my two cents:

I have never had a long-distance relationship work. People change, and when you're separated, you don't have the daily contact that allows you to adjust to each other's changes.

That said, I have to say that my failed long-distance relationships have been *long-distance* relationships; as in, one person in Europe and one person in the States, or a California-New England separation. These were also pre-internet times, when you had to write letters or run up your long-distance bill. I would imagine it's a lot easier to deal with a San Francisco-LA separation in the days of e-mail.

If you love him, give it a shot. Be aware that you will have to *work* at staying involved with each other's lives. It will be hard, but it can succeed; mine haven't, but others I know have survived separation.

Good luck to you.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Monique, I've never done this, by Tristan had a girlfriend in South Africa that was long-distance - she was in Joburg and he was in Cape Town. They kept in touch by letters and phonecalls, and probably only saw each other about 8 times in the year they were together (Joburg and Cape Town are around 12 hours drive apart). I think they were pretty close despite, or maybe because of the difficulty in seeing each other.

I think it would be easier if you'd met the guy and he was already living far away, like Tristan and his ex. If you and your guy have been together for a year you'll be well used to all the little coupley things that you get to do together, and I think those are the things that would be hard to do without - you know, the pointless phonecalls and conversations we all have with our loved ones every day. If you're apart every second will count.

Having said that, if you love each other then you should give it a try. Other people have lived through it, it won't be forever, and you could be telling your grandchildren about it one day. Unless one of you can gracefully give in (and I wouldn't if I were you - nor would I if I were him!) you'll have nothing to lose by giving it a try. So good luck!!

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

I've been in long distance relationships that didn't work and I'm in one that did work.

We were living about a three hour drive apart (LA to San Fran is much further, I think) and we only saw each other on weekends, and not every weekend. We spent lots of time on the phone, and sometimes we were talking about absolutely nothing important but that was important. We did fun things on the weekends we were togheter and we emailed A Lot.

It can work out if you work at it. Make the time for the phone calls and the emails. Get some Web Cams so you can see each other. And I'm sure there are cheap flights between LA and San Fran and he'll have money from his raise :)

It's not impossible, it's just harder :)

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

Well, I've tried it before and it didn't work but, I know people who have carried it off with great success.

Incidentally, I am afraid I MIGHT be about to enter into some kind of long distance thing with someone I met online. (We both live in TX so, it would only be about 5 hrs. apart but, still.) It hasn't really started yet though so, I don't know what is going to happen but so far, we have a mutual infatuation thing going on. (He's Cute, Single and a Boy and Jesus H. can he write - Who cares where he lives? How could I resist?)

Not exactly the same situation but scary nonetheless. Eeek.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

It's not that far. It could probably work. As long as you both do realize it'll take some work. It's the working part that usually ends it...most folks whose long-d relationships aren't successful usually see them end becuase they realize the relationship just isn't something they want to work _that_ hard for... Am coming up on a similar thing myself, though a lot farther. Both in Chicago right now...I'm going to San Diego for grad school in the Fall...he just got a job here that he totally needs and wants and should keep for at least a couple of years... Kind of sad to think it's probably going to be over come august...we're just falling into a really lovely, comfortable, wonderful place right now... But I bet yours can work. It's at least worth a shot.

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

I met my fiancei over the Internet.

In my experience, you definitly have to work harder at a long distance relationship than on a short-distance one. Email and phone calls are all fine a good, but a hug can say volumes that you just can't get via emailing "*hug*". It's not the same.

Problems that happen need to be worked out ASAP, rather than letting them fester. Also, be prepared for some tearful goodbyes... I've been doing this for a year now, and I'm still not used to it.

In addition to email, a hand-written letter would be treasured. Email and chatting and phone calls ($!) are great for keeping up with what's going on, but a letter or a card can be taken out when you're feeling sad or lonely.

Maturity will be the key to making it work. Besides, you just might find that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Good luck! =)

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2000

My thinking is that it can work, especially since the distance isn't all that far. My now-wife and I did the Texas-to-Michigan thing for about a year, and it was rough going but we made it. I eventually moved to Michigan to be with her, though. I got tired of pouring all my money into AT&T and Northwest Airlines.

Best of luck to you!

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

I hope it can, since I just met somone delightful who's in Cincinnati... We talk every night, but delicious conversation and phonesex may falter simply on the costs of phone bills... and she's starting law school in September, so she can't just move down here...

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

I think it can work. The trick is, to have a plan. As in, don't just move away and say, oh, we love each other, someday we will be together, but instead to say, oh, we love each other, we will spend every summer together, and all holidays, and when school is done we will live in the same city.

Hey. Invest in some cams and chat software, and you have the perfect relationship - you can see each other all the time, but you can't mess up each other's stuff!

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

Gut instinct--go with what it tells you.

My gut instinct told me, before I ever got into a long distance relationship with my ex in college that, that it wouldn't work. It didn't. (Truth be told, I was the one who moved away and wasn't going to let a relationship hold me back. I also think, in retrospect, that I was just using that as a way out of a relationship I wasn't fully committed to). Gut instinct told me that I had to move and not waste my time with long distance, when my then boyfriend (of 4 months)/now fianci moved for his job. Now that definitely worked out! We're getting married this summer after 3 very happy years.

Incidentally, my best friend had been with her boyfriend for a year before she moved out to CO (for grad school) and he stayed back in NJ (to finish undergrad). They were apart for 18 months, with only 4-5 visits during that time. They were married last year (he moved to CO after graduating) and they're expecting their first child. I asked what made her so sure it work and she said "I dunno...gut instinct?"

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2000

I honestly believe long distance relationships can work.I met my boyfriend of 2 years at a church convention in Jo-Burg in 1999.He lives in Jo-burg & i live in Botswana(thats a 4hour drive)im still at university & i just cant move to be with him.that will probably happen in 3 years but every chance that i get i trvel to be with him & vise-versa.we actually see each other once to twice a month & everytime our love gets stronger & stonger.we also call each other 4 times a week 7 it realy works for me.i think we will be getting married soon but the problem is i feel im still young (21) & thats the only problem in this relationship.what i can tell others out there is long distance relationships will anly work out if both of you are determined &too much love is a requirement!

-- Anonymous, April 03, 2001

I was the ultimate cynic when it came to a question of long-distance love.I used men,I was indifferent,callous even because I was not going to be the sucker waiting for some guy to call. Then i met HIM. A holiday romance that knocked me sideways.There was no 'I love you's or cheesy one-liners..we simply had found someone worth listening to. HE is 4000 miles way from me.We dont call each other every day, we dont send each other romantic e-mails every day..we dont have to. We know that we will be together some day and it gives us both an inner peace. If he is the right guy for you then it will work, without a doubt. To trust someones love is the most awesome feeling.To trust your own love is empowering.Go for it.If it doesnt work then you were never meant to be.

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2001

Like others, I have had mixed results with ldrs. Currently in one of 2 years, East Coast to West with monthly visits (more or less). It's not ideal, but due to our school and work considerations it's a necessary evil for now.

My previos relationship that didn't pan out was failing pretty badly anyway. I went out east for school, boyfriend stayed home in the midwest... bad communication problems got worse. fortunately, we both realized it wasn't working and things ended pretty amicably.

To sum up, i think if you're willing to make it work, it can. be creative and be willing to invest time.

One thing i love about doing long-distance is the FREEDOM. i have most of the benefits of single-girl life, but i can still call my lover when i'm in need of some loving and get all the support i need. of course, the physical aspect is irreplacable, but there are ways to work around that...

anyway, best of luck!

-- Anonymous, April 16, 2001