RAINSTORMS KICK WAPA'S ASS

by Nom D. Plume

April 11, 2000 ST. CROIX - WAPA officials released the results of their investigation into the cause of last week's widespread power outages. Heavy rains caused three out of six generators at the Richmond plant to fail, leaving most of St. Croix in total darkness for several hours.

The problem largely stems from the fact that WAPA's equipment is powered by mules that are hitched up to a turnstile.

As the tethered beasts walk around in a circle, they spin a set of magnets to produce electricity. Soggy conditions brought on by the rain caused the animals to become bogged down in the mud. A power failure occurred when three of six donkey's got stuck, and were unable to continue walking in circles. The downpours took a heavy toll on WAPA's aging equipment. On Tuesday, Feeder #3, affectionately known as "Pepe", slipped and broke his leg, forcing technicians to put the hardworking burro out of his misery. "Pepe" was my favorite feeder," said one worker. Pepe is survived by his wife, Feeder #4 and his son, Feeder #9. WAPA officials have already taken steps to proven a reoccurrence of last week's problems. They plan to replace the mules with animals that can better withstand watery conditions. According to sources, a group of unnamed Asian investors will donate 2 water buffaloes and a yak to WAPA with the next few weeks. Water buffaloes are commonly used in rice paddies, and are therefore accustomed to being in the mud.

Plant officials are asking consumers to conserve energy until WAPA is able to complete the necessary repairs. Feeder #7 will be "taken off line" to have a piece of kasha bush removed from his hoof. "Juanito", also known as Feeder #2, smells bad and needs a bath. On Monday, "Babalooey", or Feeder #1, injured a maintenance worker after being spooked by backfire from a passing car. The worker was taken to the hospital where doctors said his condition was "pretty good considering the ass kickin' he took."

Critics say WAPA should have been better prepared for last week's storm. They contend that WAPA's executive director could have prevented the damage to Feeder #3 if he had done a better job covering his ass.

The Public Services Commission issued Raymond George a reprimand, warning him to watch his ass the next time it rains. In a related story, WAPA is informing the public that a power outage is scheduled for this weekend. The outage is necessary in order to allow Feeder #4 and Feeder #9 to attend Feeder #3's funeral. http://www.onepaper.com/islandmelee/?v=d&i=&s=Humor%3ALocal&p=3410

-- Carl Jenkins (Somewherepress@aol.com), April 11, 2000

Answers

ROTFLMAO

Carl, this is probably the best reason I've ever read for a power outage. It almost sounds like the first power station I ever worked at where we had to start generators by winding on large wheels to open the turbine gates, throwing levers to put the machines onto governor control and manually closing circuit breakers while watching sychronising lamps flashing.

-- Malcolm Taylor (taylorm@es.co.nz), April 11, 2000.

That was clearly a government/media/corporate spin story to cover up an obvious Y2k failure Carl. Nice catch.

From the same St Croix newspaper, here's a story that is 100% true...

http://www.onepaper.com/islandmelee/?v=d&i=&s=Humor%3ALocal&p=1543

PHYSICIANS: PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN COLD PLACES ARE STUPID

by Nom D. Plume

CAMBRIDGE, MA. - A startling new report by the Four Out of Five Doctors Association has determined that people who live in areas that get cold are basically stupid. The study concluded that if cold weather people had any intelligence at all, they'd move to somewhere warmer. The group of researchers cite archaeological evidence of their claim that human beings of superior intelligence sought out warm climates, leaving the mentally inferior ones behind. Nomadic caveman wandered into new places on earth, but when it got cold,the smart ones got the hell out. Those who were too stupid to leave stayed and froze their asses off.

According to Dr. Oral Lipschiz, there is absolutely no good reason to live in places that get colder than 70 degrees. "It doesn't make any sense," said Dr. Lipschiz. "Frost bite, snow, ice, who needs that crap? If you live somewhere cold, move away immediately! Otherwise, you're nothing but an idiot." The study also concluded that people from warm regions are better in bed than people in the cold parts of the world. Doctors say the low temperatures cause both men and women to be lousy lovers. The authors of the study say the fact that all the researchers are from the Caribbean had no absolutely influence on the final results.

--end--

Signing off from the sunny 75 degree gulf coast of Florida...

-- CD (costavike@hotmail.com), April 11, 2000.

Carl:

That was a funny post. I'm glad to see you haven't lost your sense of humor through all this.

Malcolm:

Having spent some time in the Caribbean, that description of the power plant in St Croix isn't far off. On Mustique, vacation home of the rich and famous, I went to visit their power plant. It was powered by a diesel engine of British origin and undetermined age. The internal oil pump had long ago broken so the had rigged up an external pump that siphoned oil off from the sump and then sprayed the oil in through various holes in the top of the engine. They claimed they only averaged two outages a day :^)

-- Jim Cooke (JJCooke@yahoo.com), April 11, 2000.