Some people liken being poly to being gay: some people are just born polyamorous and others are born monogamous. Or let's put it another way: some people have mostly poly tendencies, others have mostly mono tendencies. Do people feel that this is true? Or could the same person be poly and monogamous, the way that some people are attracted to boys and girls? Can someone like both types of relationships?

-- yesterday (too_ticky@hotmail.com), April 07, 2000

Answers

i suppose someone could like both kinds of relationships. but that brings up a question for me: how long does a person need to be monogamous in order to be considered "truly monogamous?" five years with the same partner, ten years, a lifetime? i fall in with the idea that humans are not naturally monogamous, and that's why our divorce rate is so high, and why so many people cheat on their partners. our society tells us that we're supposed to be monogamous, so people try to be. but if monogamy is such a natural state of being, why do so many people fail at it?

i can't really imagine being able to enjoy being both monogamous and polyamorous, or how it would work. but then, a lot of people don't understand bisexuality, and that doesn't mean bisexuality doesn't exist. maybe there's a continuum of poly to mono, just like the continuum of homosexual to heterosexual.

-- ann monroe (monroe@chorus.net), April 08, 2000.

I think naturally people are polyamorous and polygamous, we're very much social creatures. Our society (I'm assuming everyone here is from America) has spent a LOT of time trying to convince everyone that we're all heterosexual and monogamous. For a lot of people they don't even have the ability to question this; its just a natural fact for them. Someone COULD have a polyamorous and monogamous relationship; this would be no more unnatural then a completely monogamous relationship and love for only one person. Of course a person should always do what makes them happy; the problem with so many relationships today is that neither person truly wants a monogamous relationship (or only one person does), and they end up cheating. The idea that you could be "cheating" on someone you love simply because you have sex with another person is an idea society made up. It is the closeness between two people that make up love, not physical bonding; unfortunately people are caught between what society tells them is right and what they feel.

-- Matt (fourteetwo@usa.net), April 12, 2000.

i think ann is probably right on saying there is a spectrum from poly to mono just as there is with hetero and homo. and i think most of us fall somewhere in between.

-- diego (drafael@hotmail.com), April 13, 2000.

I also think there is a continuom from mono to poly, perhaps we need the equivelent of a poly kinsey scale, 1 being all mono and 5 being all poly. I am poly but very close to the mono scale. I have a husband and a girlfriend. My husband's relationship with me is pretty equal between sex and friendship. My girlfriend leans more on the friendship/intimacy side than sex, with her the long talks, touching and foreplay is more important. My husband has no desire for another woman and usually no desire to "watch" my girlfriend and I: very much on the mono side of things. My girlfriend and her husband have had several polyamorous relationships: some very casual and others with more commitment and some just 1 night stands. I'm not really capable of a 1 night stand because the intimacy part of a relationship is too important. I also don't feel that I have enough emotional energy for another relationship. People's needs are different. I think the best thing would be for society to stop catagorizing what is and isn't love and commitment. Let people get their needs met in relationships with communication and honesty being the top priorities.

-- Amy (joijoijoi@hotmail.com), April 13, 2000.

Hm. I think it's possible. Personally, I feel I have room in my heart to love multiple people, but I'm not ready to have multiple sexual partners. I've skirted the edges of polyamory without breaking free of my monogamous status. If I ever do manage to get over my hangups regarding polyamory, I suspect I could still be happy in either type of relationship. Then again, I'd probably label myself as a poly person in a monogamous relationship. Pardon the analogy, but maybe it's like alchoholism -- even if you quit drinking/polyamory, you're still an alchoholic/polyamorous. That brings up another question to mind: Are you poly if you think you're poly, or do you actually have to have applied experience? Maybe I should post that one. =)

Anyway, I don't know if I came close to answering the initial question, but as to whether someone could like both types of relationships -- sure!

-- Aaron (lordloki@serv.net), April 21, 2000.

Aaron,

This reminds me of myself a bit especially when I was younger. I love deeply and feel emotionally involved and connected with many but there is something in me that holds sexuality for my very deep unique lover intimates. Traditionally, I am very slow to become sexually involved with someone and must have much more than a physical attraction and early knowledge of a person. I find sexual interaction on its own or in lighter relationships not very fulfilling.

It is not just my almost phobic level fear of STD and getting involved with emotionally unstable people (I fell in love with an emotionally unstable person once and could not help but be there for her through 6 years of bulimia and depression until her final suicide). Nor is it just the complications that multiply with the more lovers you have in your life (making time, getting along with family and lovers in the other SO lives, dealing with one lover being down because of a fight with another of their lovers, arranging vacations, etc.) The real reason is I am a romantic and I enjoy intimacy very much. So the sexual experience is not all that light of an experience for me. I need a deep connection to enjoy the sexual experience fully and I much prefer the full experience. Also when I am deeply involved with someone I like to be intimately involved in life and spend a great deal of time together. I have seen poly people have long distance relationships that would tear me apart. I would never be able to be apart for such long periods and with such great distance.

As a result I have only had 6 sexually involved relationships in 25 years of polyamorous life style. Due to my approach to these things I have also always broken up with lovers as friends. My last ex- triad partner is still one of my best friends who I talk to almost daily.

I understand that this is not the way most poly people approach poly life. In fact my long time partner has much more ease in sexual involvement with people than me. I had a poly person tell me once I have sex with people I am attracted to and work out whether there is something more lasting later. This used to (and still does to some extent) confuse me because I always saw people that approached me sexually as having intentions and expectations equal to what I applied to the sexual side of relating. I often had the feeling that when a lover of mine approached someone else sexually that they had greater intentions or expectations than they did. I also had concerns that every one that approached one of my lovers wanted the same level of intimacy and relating I wanted with my lover and therefore more of the limited time and emotion pie. Life experience and exploration into the way other poly people think has eased my concerns and improved my understanding.

Mainly, my brand of polyamory tends to be one of many love relationships of a non-sexual kind (with hugging, cuddling, caring and support) and a very few that are of the sexual variety. I used to identify myself as polyfidelitous but lately I think that is not quite it. I think it is more akin to being very intense, passionate and life involving in a few relationships vs. more numbers at a lighter level. I will, as I often do in life have to come up with my own definition.

Lee

-- Lee (leet@megsinet.net), April 24, 2000.

I can't speak for other people, but for me and Elizabeth I'd have to say that we're by nature "lots more poly than not" -- yet without our years of monogamy our polyamory today wouldn't be worth nearly as much as it is. We are both passionate, relationship-valuing people, and the positive effects of both monogamy and polyamory have been important parts of our marriage.

For the first years of our relationship we were monogamous yet intellectually open to polyamory -- we just were not yet emotionally ready to add that component to our relationship. While we were open to the possibility (and had our individual previous experiences with "alternative" relationships), neither one of us takes new relationships lightly. Ours came with more substance and "oomph" than any we'd known before -- so we had to make sure that it was up to the possible risks of polyamory. We had to build that bridge of trust and support and security and other assorted inner resources before we could cross it in a fully satisfying adult manner.

While we were capital-M monogamous, we had numerous acquaintances and friends who were (and, of course, are) actively polyamorous, so for years we've been able to observe the special difficulties and pleasures that can arise from poly relationships, taking mental notes all the while. We could see the unique joys and relationship- strengthening and personal maturity that successful polyamory (as opposed to just "swinging" and recreational fucking) can foster. Some of the happiest, most centered people we know are in polyamorous relationships of various flavors, from your basic triads to more byzantine relationship webs that require annotated 3-D color diagrams to explain. On the other hand, some of the most chronically miserable people we know are in poly relationships -- individuals who because of who they are inside would be unhappy in any relationship model, yet with the polyamory tending to reinforce or amplify or breed bad relationship dynamics rather than fix them.

So we had an entire spectrum of relationship role models to learn from. (Ann's site, in fact, first attracted me because here was a married couple who'd successfully added polyamory to a previously monogamous relationship.)

As individuals and as a couple we went through some trials by fire that could've either strengthened or destroyed our relationship -- depending on how we chose to respond to them. And it's those choices we made and the actions we took that buttressed our mutual sense of security and respect and love -- those things that any relationship, especially one that opens itself to polyamory, needs to fly far. Largely because of what we've been through together, we have been able to open up to multiple polyamorous relationships that aren't just "playing" or "experimenting" and that enhance our relationship without diminishing any of the positive aspects of our years of monogamy.

Our "Other Significant Others" -- some more sexually involved us than others -- started out as our friends first. Our first ex-triad partner was a dear friend for years before the three of us became sexually intimate, and even though that aspect of our relationship is no longer the norm, she remains a dear friend we see at our home at least once a week (tonight, in fact). Our respective lovers understand that Elizabeth and I hesitate to label ourselves as "polyamorous" -- even though we are actively and successfully poly, the label itself can connote limitations and a sense of "anti- monogamy" that don't fit us. (We know a few people who use the word as if it's a blunt weapon against the "establishment.") Nor do we categorize ourselves as "monogamous-plus" or similar cutesy buzzwords. We're just ... ourselves. To cop a sentiment from _Chasing Amy_, we approach and nurture each relationship on its own terms. If we ever find ourselves with no OSO relationships at hand or in the works, we'd have no feeling that it's "just" the two of us. We could happily shift to being a monogamous couple again with the door to further poly relationships possibly voluntarily closed ... but always unlocked.

Right now and for the foreseeable future, though, we really really like where our own relationship is, where our relationships with others are, and where everything -- including unknowable possibilities -- appear to be headed, no matter what word is used to describe it. Monogamous or polyamorous, as individuals we remain passionate, relationship-valuing people who enjoy intimacy on all levels -- from new friendships to long-time lovers to all shades and connections in between. If that means we exhibit it between just the two of us, then we are fulfilled and content and without a sense that something's "missing" or that the "glass is half-empty." Call that monogamy is it's convenient to do so. OTOH, if that means we've invited others into our circle, then I guess that's polyamory, the glass is over-flowing and the waiter is on his way with more stemware. Either way, it works for us. :{>

-- Mark (mbourne@sff.net), April 24, 2000.