Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am."

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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......"Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000

Answers

A woman did her shopping and, upon returning to the parking lot, found four teenage black males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew a handgun from her purse, proceding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knew how to use the gun, and would if required: so get out of the car.

The four teenage boys didn't waite around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad. Whereup the lady proceded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat.

Small problem: her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces down.

She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to a police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with luaghter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four young black males were reporting a car jacking by a deranged white woman.

No charges were filed.

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000