To build your own Fruitcake Catapult, first you must purchase some.. like..wood and stuff, and then nail it together so it looks like this picture. The fruitcake goes on the flat part of that middle thing.

Do not let these plans fall into the wrong hands!

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), April 03, 2000

Answers

Kritter,

Somehow I thought that a Catapult for fruitcakes would have some silly puddy, bubble gum, chicken wire, oh... and don't forget the hair pin!

:)

Sheeple

-- (Sheeple@Greener.Pastures), April 03, 2000.

You can use silly puddy, bubble gum, chicken wire AND a hair pin to build this particular catapult. Just put silly puddy around the chicken wire, paint it brown, so it looks like wood.. attach the wood together with bubble gum, and wrap the hair pin around it someplace, to act as the pult part.

Also, I have just been advised that this is NOT a catapult, but a fruitapult {sp?}.. but .. just as deadly!

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), April 03, 2000.

Kritter,

Just as deadly indeed! (Especially if some of the fruitcakes are as old as some that are still floating around in my family somewhere!)

-- (Sheeple@Greener.Pastures), April 03, 2000.

I cannot believe the depths of depravity you people can go to when left alone. They were so right, you DO need professional help.

Thank goodness I've arrive in time.

BEHOLD:

Nobody in thier right mind (or thier left mind either, for that matter) would even THINK of trying to build a fruitcake launcher withou DUCKTAPE.

DUCKTAPE is the first and essential ingerdient, people.

Do NOT err from the true path!!!

While I hate to sound like dIEtEr, you people have risen little above the level of heyenas if you try to build anything related to fruitcakes without DUCKTAPE.

Think on this lesson, mediatate, and getcher karma back in focus. (While your at it, would you make me some of those karma coated apples?, I just love those).

DUCKTAPE for everything, except maybe karma coated apples.

-Got DUCKTAPE ?

--Greybear

-- Greybear (greybear@home.com), April 03, 2000.

BTW, krit, try a search on 'trebuchi'

Those are the launchers you been loking for.

gb

-- Greybear (greybear@home.com), April 03, 2000.

The burning question on everyones mind..how do I build a Potato Bazooka...?? Potato Bazooka

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), April 03, 2000.

Ode to a Catapult

Oh Catapult you make me smile...
You can toss a fruitcake a mile...
When duct tape is placed by your side...
A woodpecker goes for a ride.


-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), April 05, 2000.

Trebuche?

Is that Canadaianainan for "You misspellled "cattypelt" again"?

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), April 16, 2000.

A fruit cake launcher is (if you really think about it) kind of a midevil weapon. What you really need to do is go high tech. I have in the works a design for a perrogie bomb, the fuse is gonna be made of sourkraut. E-mail me if you have any ideas on how to enhance the explos

-- G.R. Smith (Neo0139@aol.com), September 08, 2001.

Yer gonna blow up sauerkraut? Think of the smell! That alone will be deadly! ;-)

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), September 08, 2001.

LOL!! :-D

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), September 09, 2001.

Sourkraut....what you get after a German sucks a lemon.

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), September 10, 2001.

On the other hand.....blowing up soured german pussycats with cabbages is kinda of realllllly evil, not just mid-evil.

But I know, 'tis better to light a single mid-level lamp than glower in the Dark Ages.

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), September 10, 2001.

Kritter, it looks like some juveniles did a search for fruitcakes and decided they had to rain on our parade... please delete.

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), September 20, 2001.

Don't know how the rest of the world does it, but if the Afgan's government is as efficient and as effective as ours in building a process to try to negotiate the web sites for the IRS and college payments .....

The whole Taibian alliance will collapse of inertia and circular references of mindless buerocrats - that's spelled wrong and I don't care - as people lose their minds!

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH.

-- Robert Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), September 26, 2001.

Good Sir Cook: Your ARGH is not compliant :-) Please refer to your FRLian handbook; page 14b, section 9, title II, subsection 7c for the correct spelling of "ARGH" while exasperated.

-- sonofdust (just@being.helpful), September 26, 2001.

LOL!

(((SirRobert))) trying to deal with tax/college bureaucrats is supposed to drive people to insanity... that's how they keep the mental illness bureaucrats busy ;-)

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), September 26, 2001.

Consider it done !

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), September 28, 2001.

Consider what done?

Driving me crazy?

You crazy?

What, me worry?

Or - Heaven forbid, Mike the Mule fuzzy?

-- Robert Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), September 28, 2001.

Mike Mule IS a bit fuzzier than usual for this time of year. Maybe a bad winter is on the way?

-- helen (fuzzy@wuzzy.was.a.mule), September 28, 2001.

YOU GUYS ARE BONEHEADS!!!!

-- (M1ssbug@aol.com), November 30, 2001.

hello go to sites and make woods and steven king made a catapult project and if you find any just e-mail me.

-- Noemi Bender (noemi_bender@yahoo.com), February 04, 2002.

you actually need to give directions on how to build a catapult or change your name cuz your not helpin nobody.

-- Danielle (me@yahoo.com), March 22, 2002.

Put how to build the catapult instead of just advertising that you know how to make it.

Oh yeah. Your website is lame.

-- Danielle (Sexy504_mami@miGente.com), March 22, 2002.

We need some enstructions to build a catapult

-- Vera Bosak (blesk_mail@yahoo.com), April 26, 2002.

Hmm.I took the fruitcake catapult off my website TWO YEARS ago, because way too many people were actually thinking there was actually such a thing as a "fruitcake" catapult and coming to my site looking for directions on how to build one. So to avoid silly people making silly inquires,I removed it. PS..it may be lame but then again its only there for my mother to look at my smiling face..its not a public advertised site no matter how much you all beg me :)

-- kritter (kritter@adelphia.net), April 27, 2002.

LOL , Kritter!

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@krittersighting.net), April 28, 2002.

Hey dirtay! ur catapult sucks! Go HOME!

-- P-Diddy (messedupcorndog5@hotmail.com), May 03, 2002.

how do you build a oldfashion catapult? I have to make one for School and I dont know how to make them

thank Brittany age 12 years

PS please tell me !!!!!:0)

-- Brittany A.M.Miller (B_S_B_RULZ @excite.com), May 17, 2002.

Email me Please I have nothing to do!!!!! I'm crazzzy!!!!

-- Brittany A.M.Miller (B_S_B_RULZ @excite.com), May 17, 2002.

ha! i think you all are fruit cakes!! nice spare time u got on ur hands. FREAK.

-- Mary Beth Cramer (hahahahausux@hotmail.com), October 08, 2002.

Ya know ...

We never did find out if Miss Brit ever built her school projectile launcher.....

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (racookpe@earthlink.net), October 08, 2002.

I can't believe this thread still generates hits two years later..lol. And freaks? If freak means fruitcake then...yes..unquestionably. :-)

(le freak c'est chic!)

-- krittah.. (k@a.n), October 09, 2002.

Kritter dear,

Well of course it still generates hits after a couple of years!

C'mon! You know Fruitcake™ doesn't "go bad". It has an expiration date of "Never".

How could ya' tell if it ever did? What'd be the difference? Who'd ever know?

Hmmmm....

Could say the same thing about the FRL, couldn'tcha?

Long Live The FRL! Let Yer Freak Flag Fly!

-- Brooke (Fruitier than ever @Hill.top), October 15, 2002.

Heehee. . . :-)

Pumpkin cannon inventor seeks worthy competition

Associated Press Published Oct 21, 2002 PUMP22

NOBLESVILLE, Ind. -- Jim Bristoe is getting a blast out of his pumpkin cannon.

Bristoe figures his 30-foot-long, 2-ton contraption can fire the orange orbs up to five miles. On Saturday, he entered his launcher in the Pumpkin Propulsion Contest, where the cannon far outclassed the competition.

So Bristoe stepped aside and let the lesser rivals compete for top honors.

``I actually bowed out of the money race and let the guys with the catapults compete,'' Bristoe said. ``I only shot at 20 pounds of pressure and a 10-degree angle, and still cleared their whole range.''

Bristoe, a 42-year-old electrician and mechanic, estimates his cannon's range at about five miles. He's yet to fire the cannon at full power, although a pumpkin fired in a demonstration last week went through the rear of a Pontiac.

Bristoe wowed the crowd at Saturday's contest by using the cannon to launch toilet paper rolls.

``Everyone up there loved it. They let me shoot 36 rolls of toilet paper through the gun,'' he said. ``That was impressive. They got about 200 feet in the air and then just unrolled.''

Meanwhile, he is looking for better competition.

``I intend on shooting in competition, and I'm going to change my barrel size to regulation so I can compete with the other big guns,'' he said. ``That'll be next year, when pumpkins are ripe again. This is way too much fun to stop.''

-- Brooke (Happiness@Hill.top), October 21, 2002.

What's a "regulation" pumpkin barrel size?

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (racookpe@earthlink.net), October 22, 2002.

LMFAO!! this has to be one of the most hilarious and completly wrong hits ive ever gotten while searching for information. DAMN i can't stop laughing my @$$ off. but damn, now i have to go back and find another page on how to build a real catapultsters. I wonder how long this thread will stay in the web =oP

-- Fern (panamfern@hotmail.com), October 28, 2002.

Oh heck Fern .....

It's been here about three years so far ....

Ain't worn out yet.

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (racookpe@earthlink.net), October 28, 2002.

The thread isn't worn out, but Robert's tail's a dragon.

-- helen (mule@lips.are.sweet), October 29, 2002.

Eewww Helen! Are you kissing that mule again?

-- Gayla (ick@ick.ick), October 29, 2002.

"MY" tale's a draggin'....

Just who's behind on the readin,' ritin' and arithmagicin' new tales around here?

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (racookpe@earthlink.net), October 29, 2002.

Ok, ok ... do you want the whole thing all at once, or do you want a miniseries complete with cliffhangers?

-- helen (do@you.want.it.all.at.once.or.in.a.miniseries), October 29, 2002.

Helen, the answer is.... YES!

I want it either all at once or in mini-series. Whichever. But real soon would be good! :-)

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), October 29, 2002.

Yea, any website with some idiot bragging about how he knows how to build stuff but doesnt say how to is pretty gay.

Just like this one...

P.S.I hope the person who made this site has some horrible, horrible accident that doesn't allow him to brag about himself anymore.

-- Kevin Norvech (duffman1_@hotmail.com), October 30, 2002.

OK, for all of you who found this site through a search engine using "build a catapult", go here:

How to build a catapult

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), October 30, 2002.

And as to the story, we'll take it any way we can get it! ;-)

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), October 30, 2002.

But, but, but ....

None of those them there plans like, you know, used duck tape.

And I didn't see any flying feline fur....

Are you sure that's a "real" cata-pelt-launching site?

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (racookpe@earthlink.net), October 30, 2002.

wow...and i thought i was weird... i have a catapult project for school...i came to your site for help, but now i have more questions...btw, how does fruitcake come into it? just wondering ajp

-- ajp (ajpatch86@hotmail.com), November 30, 2002.

LOL nice page I better get back to some real reserch now.

-- Erin (forgot@aol.com), December 16, 2002.

See..fruitcakes get given as christmas gifts each year..and no one actually eats them. They just put them in some cupboard and then the next year they REGIFT them off to some other friend. Thus.. the fruitcake after about ooh 10 years or so..becomes rock hard and lethal, making it a perfect weapon to hurl at ones enemies.

I really dunno how this comes up on search engines..I guess they just look at keywords throughout the entire internet. When I posted it I had NO idea it would be something people would find on a search of catapults. If I could go back 4 years and rename the thread something like "(FUNNY PRETEND)ways to build a fruitcake(IE NOT REAL)catapult", I would gladly do so, if only to stop people from wishing accidents on me. :/

-- kritter (k@a.n), December 17, 2002.

Yeah, but Kritter those people are more than balanced by all those who read the thread, got a chuckle, quietly blessed you and moved on ;-)

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), December 18, 2002.

vjkjvbugavgr;bvfbjkv;bfavfbvjfbvfdbv

-- Nathan Ward (Battle48@aol.com), January 14, 2003.

Sorry.

Ya mispelt that "bvfbjkv" part.

Always remember the old saying,

"B four V, except the other way, like in Neighvor and Weave."

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (cook.r@backwards.chapters), January 14, 2003.

LOL, Robert - don't forget the vorld vide veb either :)

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telsuplanet.net), January 15, 2003.

Anybody see the piece that was done on Sunday Morning last? I about died laughing! Several fruitcake catapults, and many fruitcakes, of questionablle age!~ They even had one guy with a fruitcake missle laucher! I thought of you all as I watched it, and laughed hysterically!!

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), January 15, 2003.

What you guys doin' up this time of the mornin', young ladies?

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (cook.r@backwards.chapters), January 15, 2003.

They're not up early, they're up late. They live in a different time zone and they're night owls. :-) (Personally, I don't think Aunt Bee EVER sleeps.) ;-)

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), January 15, 2003.

LOL Gayla. Could it be all the chocolate yummies she makes? ;-)

-- (sonofdust@fudge.brownies), January 15, 2003.

don't u fink cheese is nice

-- the doc (Adrianaar86@hotmail.com), January 22, 2003.

I think Chris Dennison is sooooooooo fine........

Kadi

-- Kadi Bunny (kadi@aol.com), February 08, 2003.

i think eminem is sooo fine!!!!-

-- Ashley B. (Capin_Jawz@hotmail.com), February 11, 2003.

I spose this is what u get for thinking that the internet, and more specifically google searches, will help in the designing of a university project. Well alteast it was a humours waste of time. maybe the local library will be more informative

-- clinton (lamby1986@hotmail.com), March 15, 2004.

All yer questions anserd here. Fruitcake connection? How could yew reed this stuff and still ast that? Lame site? Wull, most o us that shops here actually new where we was goin at thuh time, if yew take mah point. Cattypult? Hey, if'n they won't let yew onto a plane with tweezers or a fruitcake, this is probly cuttin edge deefense deepartment stuff. If yore not cleared up tuh here, yew probly are gointa hafta shoot yerself or eat a piece o yore mothers weddin fruitcake ta save thuh country. Ifn you are cleared, bein a obvious fruitcake yerself, yew already been cattypulted (dependin on what it was yew jest cleared). Hope yew enjoy thuh ride an lan someplace sof. As tuh how tuh end uh bad run, ifn yore really in a bine, yew can call in J. He seems tuh have thuh nack.

-- Redneck (redneck@endothe.line), March 16, 2004.

Fruitcake connectioins?

But, er, if the fruitcake were firmly connected to the catapelt, it wouldn't fly from the fleeing feline when flung!

-- Robert & Jean (getingwarmer@ga.inthespring), March 21, 2004.

Uh, krit, if it's possible, you may want to edit the name of this thread...maybe change catapult to fruitipult, or get the word directions out of the title. Just a suggestion.

Ever wonder what the heck school or university courses these people are taking that they are in need of directions for building a catapult??? What are these classes called? Like maybe "Catapult 101?" or "Advanced Catapulting?" Or maybe "Catapult Techinques in the 21rst Century?" Or perhaps "Weapons of Mass Boulders?"

And I wonder if Mr. Clinton who posted earlier is gonna hit Mr. Kerry with the catapult too... I heard the Clintonians don't really want Kerry to win... Hey, didn't Kerry fall on a ski slope this week and hurt himself or something? Hmmm. Maybe he was hit by a stealthy fruitipult. Naturally, the Media couldn't report *that* now could they!

Questions, questions, and more questions.

-- (sonofdust@needslots.ofrest), March 21, 2004.

I'm sure glad we got to know ya'll after the period when everybody was mad at you. I don't think Redneck's sensitive nature could have withstood the pressure.

Isn't there some way to cut the cord on these things a year after the last response or something? If the record is permanent, I don't approve, but that is really disconnected from the matter of the need to disconnect, which is something else entirely. Note, I say disconnect rather than unhinge. There's enough of that going around, and we surely don't need any more, "do we Shirley?" he asks, sounding somewhat surly. (Oops. Sorry. Got carried away there.)

Fruitcake catapult? Is that the one over there by itself and not with the other catapults?

Speaking of cutting cords and throwing fruitcakes, who cuts the cord to toss the last fruitcake after the others have all been catapulted?

Are we too pc to laugh at jokes about little catapults for throwing little fruitcakes?

Are we catty enough to tell 'em?

Does the bad humor man sell melted ice cream? "Bwa Ha Ha," to borrow from the prankster Frankster.

Questions, questions/but no answers come/And the minute hand moves further toward the hour./I must play the game without knowing how,/ and to lose is to lose. (Noted from a paper-thin personal thread from long ago and far away.)

That's depressing. I'll have to think about Kerry snowboarding. I heard he blamed his fall on a secret service man's cutting too close in front of him, and reamed the guy out about it. (Kind of surly, huh, Shirley?) If he keeps letting his sparkling personality shine through, he may have a hard time being elected.

Okay, now I feel better. Onward.

-- J (jsnider@hal-pc.org), March 23, 2004.

I'd bet that there catpelt wood throw a pussy cat a long ways.

-- Robert & Jean (getingwarmer@ga.inthespring), March 28, 2004.

Catapult?

-- kritter (k@a.n), March 28, 2004.

LOL Kritter, that's too clever.

-- Carol (c@oz.com), March 29, 2004.

omg!.......this web site was not wut i was looking for but i got fed up wit it so i read all of it!! i have to give it to ya, its pretty funny! (i like u robert! ur funny!) and u too kritter! is this ur website? how did u cum up wit dis anywayz?? well.....i g2g and look for "real catapults" now! stay funny! luz ya all!

-- kayla (kcgbfl@aol.com), April 17, 2004.

But if a weasel were launched by kritter's machine, it would be a cat- a-pelt!

-- Robert & Jean (getingwarmer@ga.inthespring), April 18, 2004.