Last night I had THE weirdest dream. The Love of my Life, who broke I up with agonisingly when I was 22, was getting married and I was invited. I walked down the lane to her house but noticed for the first time that it was really a side door to Wembley Stadium. I went inside and went up her staircase (same as usual) but when I went into her bedroom it was the Royal Box with her bed hidden off to one side. I was careful not to turn and face the pitch because I knew that SHE was in the centre-circle with her new lover. Whilst studiously avoiding the pain of seeing her with someone else, I noticed that the tannoy was giving out messages about the big day. At this point Glen Hoddle was reluctantly persuaded to sing to the adorable couple. He launched into a spirited version of Wind Beneath my Wings which was painfully off key, but although everyone noticed, they all smiled and nodded encouragingly at him. When he finally cracked and wailed his way to a close, the Duchess of Kent presented him with a packet of freeze-dried coffee.

If anyone can suggest what the f*ck all that was about, Ill be eternally grateful.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Answers

Vindaloo eggs and too much alcohol ?

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Softie, it's fairly obviously your anxiety about the semi. The Toon represented by the Love of your Life that breaks your heart; the meaning of not wnting to look is that you really don't want your semi ticket and that you need to sell it on at face value to someone.

The bit about Glen Hoddle, the Duchess of Kent and the freeze dried coffee implies that you need to expand your collection of specialist movies somewhat.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

2 compelling explanations there. However, if it was my interest in specialist movies then I feel that my ex might have been teaching Glenn Hoddle what "coming again" is really all about. As for vindaloo eggs, it was in fact casserole with cobblers last night - prrrrrrpppppp!

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Oh, it's lovely to have these occasional reminders that there are people madder yet than me out there..((-: Actually, I dreamt about an ex who I hate last night (the Sheffield Manc). Which is weird. Dunno what to say, but I think there's probably an element of publicly drawing the line under something and there's nowhere quite so public as Wembley...and let's face it, the parallels between the pain and suffering of our last two visits to Wembley (not to mention the humiliation) and lost love are clear.. However, Glenn Hoddle and Freeze-Dried coffee is baffling. Did a serach to find a dreams site but none of them cover this scenario, or, to be honest, any permutation thereof.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Well, it's obvious that you feel Newcastle United have spurned you in favour of someone else-someone more financially secure perhaps (ie the corporates), but keep you hanging on with things like an invite to the wedding/semi-final. Events on the pitch just serve as confirmation of the pain and hurt, and a reminder of what might have been. The manager's song is woefully substandard, but everyone is largely blind to it, or at least unwilling to face up to telling him outright that's he's a shite singer. Perhaps the song is on a par with previous Wembley performances by Newcastle, which you blame the manager for, and he gets a packet of coffee instead of a nice silver trophy for his efforts. The packet of coffee's obviously something more personal - do you mean the sort that you get left in your room in hotels/B&Bs? In which case there's the obvious insult that the prize was probably filched anyway.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Oh God, thanks a lot Siggy, now I'm REALLY depressed. I think the coffee might have snuck in from Carl Reiner's classic film 'Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid' when Steve Martin makes Burt Lancaster a cup of his 'famous Java'. He then spends about 3 minutes pouring coffee out of a packet into a saucepan and breaks two eggs into it as a hangover cure. Fits in quite well with the rest of the prognosis. Of course, Mrs Softie woke me up with scrambled egg and coffee this morning, so maybe that's why it showed up. Not the faintest idea why Hoddle was there, unless it's because Chelsea are going to be humiliated.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Would you like to tell me more about the coffee? Was it already ground? Brazilian or Kenyan? Was it decaffeinated?

And Hoddle. Was his singing sharp or flat?

Share it with me. In your own time. Relax.

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Glen Hoddle is an ex-England manager ?

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

the Duchess of Kent presented him with a packet of freeze-dried coffee.

Softie, This is indeed a very sad case. May I be allowed to shed some light on your dream?

Clearly, you have a long held angst about Wembley, but the introduction of the Royal Box indicates success at the highest level. This is emphasised by the appearance of God's right hand man singing "The wind beneath my wings". This has a double meaning - the aforementioned link with Kevin Keagan and the fact the Nobby and Domi will play out wide at Wembley after dining out on baked beans.

The Dutchess of Kent is yet another link to Royalty. Obvioulsy one of that family will be handing out the real trophy to us at Wembley and this is just a subtle indication to prepare you for the big event.

Finally, (I hope you are sitting down), the mention of freeze-dried coffee is a direct link to Nescafe. Don't be surprised if Ian Wright, right, right joins us as cover for Big Al and Yin in the close season.

PS. You didn't say what the weather was like. Was it wet?

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Was this all you remembered ?

-- Anonymous, March 28, 2000

Wonderful analysis Screacher, had me crying with laughter!

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2000