How to shower like a woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecks (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower).

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

16. Partially dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), March 13, 2000

Answers

Uncle Deedah,

I agree with almost half of each, who you're with determines which half, quarter, or three quarters come into play. They are "all" right-on when generalizing!!!

Too funny.....Thanks.

-- Michael (michaelteever@buffalo.com), March 13, 2000.

OHMYGAWD!!! Unc, have you been spying on us taking a shower??? =:O

-- Chris (!@#$@pond.com), March 13, 2000.

LOL Unk!!!

Although, I coulda lived my whole life happy not knowing guys do some of that stuff. I'd prefer to think they rinse the soap bar and powder their butts :o)

~*~

-- Laura (Ladylogic@...), March 13, 2000.

wiener?!

LOLOLOL cute Uncle D!

-- cin (cinlooo@aol.com), March 13, 2000.

I didn't fit in with the woman and I sure didn't fit the male, So I must be an alien!

-- ET (bneville@zebra.net), March 13, 2000.

Uncle, you forgot that all men blow their nose in the shower and then look to see if any snot stuck on the shower wall. If so, they pick them off with their fingernails the next morning.

-- susie Q (susieq@aol.com), March 13, 2000.

My wife call my wiener my "little feller".

-- mmm (mmm@aol.com), March 13, 2000.

LOL Unc,

Funny how it all works out with all the washing and rubbing, my SO loves it :-)

LL, we usualy don't do the powder thing, know what I mean? :-)

-- Netghost (ng@no.yr), March 14, 2000.

Good stuff Unk;

Let's take a poll. I always figured there were more husbands that put the toilet seat back down for the convience of their wives than there were women who put the seat back up for the convience of their husbands. (I can hear 'em coming, can't you guys?)

-- Carlos (riffraff@cybertime.net), March 14, 2000.

LOL Carlos,

Funny how that never comes up :-)

-- Netghost (ng@no.yr), March 14, 2000.

Tears running down my face....Can see it's time to put a shade on the skylight in our bathroom...

-- Daisy Jane (deeekstrand@access1.com), March 14, 2000.

Guide to English

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

***************************** THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?" *****************************

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain the butt

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

---------------------------------------------------------- THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH: ----------------------------------------------------------

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

-- Malcolm Taylor (taylorm@es.co.nz), March 14, 2000.

LOL, Malcolm!!!

(The guy pretty accurate.)

Netghost & Carlos,

If we forget to put the seat up, and you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night...

You don't fall in!!!

Big difference. Really big difference.

~*~

-- Laura (Ladylogic@...), March 14, 2000.