FUNDAMENTALISM: You have two cows. Unfortunately, the Bible does not mention cows, and the government confiscates them because they do not exist.

FUNDAMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government kills you for owning cows, confiscates your cows, and then kills everyone who suggests that the government should be killed for owning cows.

NEO-BUDDHIST-INDIAN: You have two cows. But since these cows are holy cows, you cannot tell them what to do, or milk them, or do anything useful with them. The cows however, have no such barriers. Unfortunately, the emerging liberal democracy requires one to fill out 37 triplicate forms before killing anything, and cows cannot write. Thus the cows do not slaughter you, you do not slaughter the cows, and the pacifist monks are satisfied.

PLUTOCRACISM: You have two cows. Your richer neighbors get to take one of them and the other's milk because they are richer. In rebellion, you become richer and take three of their cows and the fourth's milk. This continues until the cows decide to invent the concept of "Cowmunism", band together, become richer than everyone, and take everything and its milk.

COMMUNISM--REALITY: Technically, everyone ones all the cows and everyone is equal. Unfortunately, if you happen to be in charge of everyone and their cows, you own more of the cows than everyone else because you are more equal than they are.

LABOR UNIONISIM: You have two cows. They band together with everyone else's cows to form the Cow People's Union, or CPU. They demand higher wages and shorter working hours. You respond by increasing wages and working hours. As your house burns and your windows are smashed in, you realize that your life depends on these cows, and their happiness is part of your survival. You decide to tell that to God.

ENVIROMENTALISM: You have two cows. Government regulations require your cows to wear protective headgear so they do not allow bacteria to die and illegalize the killing of parasites by aggravated cows.

SEVENTIES HIPSTERISM: Hey Man! These are two far-out cows! Some radical stuff here man!

DESPOTISM--MODERN: You have two cows. The government steals your cows and shoots you, but in interests of pleasing the global community, name you as a "Militant Rebel Insurgent", call their government and "Enlightened Centralized Executive", and ask for UN peacekeeping troops to come and separate the radical seperationist cow-owners from normal people.

-- Blaze (benden_weyr13@hotmail.com), March 09, 2000

Answers

Feminism: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a calf.

-- Blaze (benden_wer13@hotmail.com), March 01, 2001.

CORPORATE: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

-- Chuck Shaddoway (drygulcher@aol.com), March 27, 2001.

SURVIVORISM: You have to cows. They get taken to a remote place and go through different challenges to win the "immunity idol". Then they vote each other off and a "jury" of other cows pick one to win a million dollars. The winner eats the money and dies from internal paper cuts and the loser goes on to make millions from sponsors and ads.

-- Matthew Valji (MatthewV@aol.com), May 08, 2001.

SIMPSONISM: You have two cows. Mmm...Cows.

-- Matthew Valji (MatthewV@aol.com), May 10, 2001.

DEMOCRACY(US) - You have two cows that your parents gave you. Your job provides you with four cows every month, but once a year, the government takes away 24 of them. For some reason, everybody around you seems to have more cows than you. Eventually most of your cows die from old age and over-milking. Then, the government provides you with half a cow every month(just enough so you don't starve)

-- Tim Lyakhovetskiy (teenytim@hotmail.com), July 03, 2001.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge for storing them for others.

-- bj holliday (starmaide1@hotmail.com), December 13, 2001.

Cannibalism: You have 2 cows. They eat each other. You accept this.

-- Ryu Dragon (ryu2@uswest.net), December 13, 2001.

Objectivism - I can't have my cows and eat them, too. or Objectivism - All you see before you is two cows. Therefore, all that can be surmised is that there are two cows. These cows are yours to do with as you please, as long as you do not interfere with the right of ranching of any others.

Colonialism - You have two cows. You send one to the other farm where she enslaves the indiginous animals there (for their own good, of course), and sends the raw materials of the subjugated farm back to the imperial farm, where finished goods are manufactured for sale to the colonies.

Calvinism - It has been predetermined what happens to your cows.

Nihilism - Does it really matter?

Misanthropism - Who gives a s**t?

-- Herb Romaine (propdropper@yahoo.com), March 15, 2002.

taoism - you have two cows.

-- colin alexander gunn (idonthave@anemailaddress.com), March 15, 2002.

Illuminati:

You have two cows. Fnord.

You have no cows. There never were any cows. There's nothing to see here.

-- Bazman (james.p.barret@ic.ac.uk), April 22, 2002.

SOVIETISM - You have two cows. You count them and realize you have four cows. You drink more Vodka. You count the cows again and realize you have eleventy six cows. You drink even more Vodka. After a while, you realize that eleventy isn't a real number. You count the cows again and have two cows. You open another bottle of Vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy four cows.

CHRISTIAN DEMOCRATISM - You have two cows, your neighbor has none. You vote people into office who will tax your cow and give it to your neighbor. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

AMERICAN REPIBLICANISM - You have two cows, your neighbor has none. So?

SIMPSONISM - Don't have a cow, man.

-- Double E (JediMan867@aol.com), August 02, 2002.

Yodism~ Two Cows you have yes. Milk them or do not milk them. there is no 'try'.

Matrixism ~ You cannot milk the cows. That is impossible. Instead, remember this... There are no cows. Then you will see that it is not the cows that are milked, but you.

-- RustyHaloDirtyWings (solstice_son@hotmail.com), December 10, 2002.