exploration of issues affecting male victims of domestic violencegreenspun.com : LUSENET : Domestic Violence Accounts : One Thread
I am currently doing post graduate research at university and the focus of my research is to explore the issues that male victims of domestic violence may face. Thankyou for your time.
-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000
Abuse. want to learn about? Try this. First a little backround info. I am currently under a restraining order, lost my house, children, and all my possessions of my lifetime. My wife has been brought up in a terribally abusive house. Exposed to a bitter divorse, apparently incested by her father, her mother plays this abandonment game with her . On again off again at 6 months to a year clips at at time. Her sister who is lesbiain and a neo natzi / militant feminist.
My wife has been abuseing me our entire marriage of 6 years. Constant demanding, baggering, name calling, put downs, hitting, punching, scratching, humiliation. She is constantly threatening me if I don't do what she wants and when she wants it. I provide for the house, I bought the house, the cars, all furnishings. She camreinto this marriage with nothing but Bi Polor and schzofrenic disorder. I always did for her to a point there needed to be 6 men to meet her constant demands. It got to a point where she was never happy and contsantly complained about everything. All the time. It got to points where I would cry when alone because the pain was so great, Many people told me about what she was doing but I loved my kids so much I couldn't leave. My biggest defence against her battering and violence was to walk away and ignore her, but at times this would drive her into severe rages and she would come after me and beat me. She found out avbout restraining orders and decided to make false claims that I have been beating her our entire marriage. In the Bi- Polor or Borderline Personality world we call this projecting. She blaims accuses other for what she is doing. Well she hooks up with a womens groug and an unethical lawyer. Goes to police and tells them she fears for her life. And that I threatened her. More nonsence. Turns out this is the recomended way to get a divorce today. Just go to the police and say you are being abused, No proof is necessary, no police reports no nothing. The local womens group will back them up and say they are being abused because they are run by federal funds and super feminist that think marriage itself is oppressio which equils abuse which equils domestic violence.
Do youself a favor go to court and listen to the domestic violence cases. Its not a trial its a lynching mob led by womens groups. Notice they are allowed in the court and most probally know the judge by their first name.
Also see if 'the womens center will allow you into their facilities to see how things are run. interview some people. they will always show the worst case which is usually the acception. The average guy being charged is said to have yelled at his wife. Read the Womens against domectic violence act. The name itself implies that men are for domestic violence. Go visit dvmen.org and please don't get married if your potential wifehas less to loose then you. Take it from a nice guy. I have always given without ever want a favor returned. This is how I was brought up , Some old outdated family values. Give and care for one another. Family does't mean anything in todays society. The law clearly says so. The courts don't care about the childrens lives they are destroying. Its all political and the biggest fund raising scam in history. Lawyer love it, phycoligists are in bed with them and the Womens shelter groups need to see the number to get our tax dollars to destroy us!
Too many lawyers and women are using the domestic violence laws to gain advantage in divorce. Any lawyer who even suggest such a thing should face life inprison with out parole for the lives they destroy.
-- Anonymous, August 07, 2000
Wow! I thought I was reading my own story and situation!Hope you are hanging in there. Ron (John #1)
-- Anonymous, August 13, 2000
It is surprising to notice the activity and sincerety of men talking about their experiences concerning DV.I am living in Finland and I do not have any doubts that this issue would not be reckognized here also,although to my surprise,without a single public or private discussion,whatsoever.All the topics are concerning women.
As a representative of Scandinavian liberal equality I am quite disappointed to the present situation.With all respect to the numerous female victimes,I demand more justice and gender-free understanding,concerning the complicated problematics affecting male victims of DV.
Here is my story.
I met my beautiful French girlfriend 3 years ago,previously being alone for 4 years.She stunned me immediately with her radiance and Mediterrainean femininity,which is rare at this latitudes.I do not know how well you know European geography.Finland and France are physically relatively close,but culturally they could not be any more apart.I was completely seduced by her and after the first night with her,I had to break up with a nice girl that I just met before her.I started to stay immediately at her apartment,because it was perfectly situated and larger than mine.After 6 months I gave away my apartment. All my friends told me I am crazy,but I just smiled happily.
When I noticed the symptoms,it was too late and the hell was loose. She found out to be possessive,jealous and aggressive.It started from rationally removing all female contacts.Finishing that,she started to select my other friends,categorizing them to acceptable and non- acceptable,leaving me practically without any social contacts,but her friends.Requesting permission to go for a bier with friends was denied saying"In France ladies and gents go out together,and because you Finns drink too much,something(sexual)could happen"I just wonder the reputation of French!So goodbye friends.
Then she attacked my sexuality.She demanded continuous sex,as a proof of my affection and our 10 years difference of age and my problems with my business,did not actually help my performance.Nor did her growing insults about my "impotence" and being a lousy lover. Finally she forced me to see a sexologist and I got a prescription for a "erection causing penile injection" which was the outmost humiliating thing that ever could happen to a man.Goodbye balls!
I was a fair cook,I cleaned,I did dishes,washed clothes.In responce I heard that she was eating "dog food" and the kitchen was a mess after me,and I did not clean properly.After a while I was denied to operate washing machine,because I had not been careful enough with different kinds of laundry.I splashed also too much water around doing dishes. I washed the windows twice,only times they were ever washed during being together.It did not seem to bother her at all,that you could hardly see trough.Later she hired a cleaning lady.Goodbye pride!
I bought her flowers,presents,invited her to restaurants,we travelled around the world,MADE her and her family Jewelry worth of thousends of dollars.The restaurants and Jewels were never expensive enough and kept demanding for more.She asked me,when I am going to buy her a mink coat,which I apparently could not afford.Goodbye money!
I was waking her up 3 minutes too late and "she was late for work",I took too much room in the bed,I did not eat "correctly",I could not drive her car,I stayed too long in the shower and watched too much television,already limited to half an hour per evening.If she wanted to open a bottle of vine,she enjoyed.If I wanted a bier,I was an alcoholic.If she was careful with money,she was wise.If I asked about money,I was a rat and gay,bastard,asshole,stupid,violent,lousy lover and without manners,you just name it!She was never sorry for anything.
Since she could not control herself verbally,nor physically,arguments escalated to physical violence.She scrathed my face,bite me,kicked me,pulled my genitals,burned me with a cigarette,hit me with a tennis racket,broom,belt buckle and finally pulled a knife at me.She locked me out in the cold(winter) and sometimes took away the keys.For a month.She broke my cellurar phone,dishes,shirts,threw out from the window my razor,clothes,shoes.She threw alcohol on my face and piled up my jackets and poured water ower them.
When she asked me to leave the house,it was all right.When I left,I was leaving her alone.When I did not leave,she attacked me.When she left,she went to her friends and girlfriends,bruised and crying how violent I was.After that I did not have to see them again either.
She left Finland 3 months ago and we gave away our apartment.Since then I have been homeless,moneyless and lost all my friends and self confidence.My company is practically bankcrupted.Finally she broke up with me,because "we were not happy together".
She is a Diplomat and got promoted,when moving to her new position. She is enjoying "Diplomatic Immunity" and is above Finnish criminal law.Anyway,while protecting her career from a scandal,all crimes she committed,have past the time to prosecute.
This thing has just happened to me and I am trying to pull it through as well as I can.Knowing that I am sharing this with thousands of you out there,gives me mental support at my hard moments.
Hold on guys.
-- Anonymous, November 06, 2000
Masterjeweller, your story sounds very familiar. Thank you for telling us all of your experiences. You would be very welcome on safe-support, if you'd like to talk with some other folks who have been through similar experiences.
I appreciate how you described the process of losing everything. That's how it felt for me too...
-- Anonymous, November 07, 2000
I am writing in regard to my former son-n-law. He was married to my Daughter, Jonell. My daughter has had a behavirol problem since she was a 13 years of age. She left home & married when she was 17, just because she wanted to do what she wanted to do. She got pregnant and and left her husband when she was 9 months pregnant, citing physical abuse. Then 2 years later she met a wonderful man who was a deputy U.S.Marshall. He was wonderful to her as well as her daughter. He married my daughter and adopted my granddaughter. A couple more years go past and my daughter has another daughter. Pretty soon she becomes disollutioned with a good home, husband, and family. She started working as a waitress at a well known resturant and ultimately started going out after work with friends. She wanted a divorce to be able to do what she wanted to do. She gave my son in law the girls if he would give her a divorce. He did. She has tried to commit suicide a couple of times, spent a couple of weeks in a mental hospital. Apparently she was diagnosed with bi-polor disorder. My granddaughter who is 8 years has also had a behavorial problem all of her life. She has also been diagnosed with bi-polor. To get to the bottom line. My son in law has been indicted on 3 counts of felony child abuse charges. With no real investigation, only on the word of an eight year old, who has changed her story several times and a group of over zealous police officers, child protective services and a mentally unbalanced ex-wife (my daughter). I am 100% behind my son in law. He is on the verge of loosing a wonderful job, home, children and everything he has in the world. I have tried to make these people listen, but I do not live in the same state and they will not listen to me. WE are desperate to help him. He is innocent, a very good person and does not deserve the hand that he has been delt. There is more to the story, but you might do better interviewing him. Please let me know if you get this e-mail and if you would be interested in talking to him.
-- Anonymous, March 01, 2001
I am also doing a research project concerning male victims of domestic violence and I can't seem to find any statistics on the net. I would be very grateful if any of you could assist me in giving me some leads. Thanks very much. Yours, Helen
-- Anonymous, March 05, 2001
I don't have a answer I am looking for some to help my brother who is being abused by his wife and things are getting really bad and we need lots of help or she will put him in jail for things he has never done. HELP HELP HELP
-- Anonymous, March 09, 2001
i give up ! as a male victim of domestic violence for over 12 years i am near the end of my rope. i'ts not about gender as some would suggest. i'ts about the truth! the truth is that victims are male, female,same sex,the eldery and children. what am i supposed to do to get any valadation ? have my penis removed and get a vagina ? i'll tell you who the real perperaters are. law inforcement , city and county attorneys offices , superior court and lower court judges ,over zealous crime victim compensation boards ,and last but not least , the people in power positions that are operating most of the orginazations to stop domestic violence . they haven't got the spine to tell the whole message about all the victims in regards to domestic violence . to do so would ruffle the feathers of those who seek the lions share of the allmighty buck. to spread the good news and the truth about ALL victims would mean having to get less money for their perverse agenda. for me to speak out simply makes me a hater of the female gender. nothing could be further from the TRUTH. we (i) need women in the worst way to help stop these violent acts against the human condition. we also need the eldery ,those in same sex relationships and children too ! by teaching the children we have hope that the generations to follow will be well informed thus stopping domestic and family violence at the earlist stages. THE GREATIST OF ALL LIES IS THE TRUTH MISUNDERSTOOD
-- Anonymous, May 02, 2001
The Ontario Human Rights Commision actually say that there is no discrimination in Ontario against male victims of domestic violence becasue males have the right to cut their penis off, take the dangerous sex change hormones and then, as females, receive the services all females have available to them.
This is the logic of today's women. I completely understand the frustration and anger in some posts. I've been trying for years to get Health Canada to include articles for male victims in their various forums. The refusal always comes down to we know there is a need but there is no way we are going to allow it. Again, typical of today's female thought...
I don't know what to do and realize there is probably nothing that can be done. I must say however that disrimination hurts.
-- Anonymous, May 07, 2001
I never knew that others experienced the same things, the same way. I divorced an alcohol and drug counselor. She pushed me to the limit all the time and preyed on my insecurities. She is well connected in the psychology network here and used everything at her disposal possible. She made it look like I am an alcoholic because of a mistake I made in my 20's before I ever met her. She also used arguments that she started and pushed me to the absolute limit to look like she was being physically abused. One was when she rolled after drinking and chipped her tooth, a year before we were married. The other was me grabbing her purse because it had a check in it that she was holding out on me for our mortgage. She portrayed them both as if I had struck her. Which did not happen either time. Her temper is violent. I have had more things thrown at me over the years and never realized what it was. In the end, because I was so afraid of losing my son, I couldn't stay focused on what she was really claiming and lost most of the time with my son. She is more nuts than ever. I had a joint meeting with the GAL from our divorce with her last week and havent stopped shaking since, that is when I haven't been sleeping because I have been so depressed about it. She is never going to stop it and no-one to date has gotten her to stop. She continually breaks the divorce decree and broke the temporary orders during the 1 1/2 year divorce. I have been seeking professional help and as much as I talk to the therapist, it doesn't help me when it comes to dealing with her. I have left out that she is also addicted to gambling and can't get out of bed after anytime she drinks. She is so vindictive over the fact I left her, it is amazing. I have lost all faith in the system and the oath that one is bound by when swearing in court. She lies and accuses me constantly to the point that I have to document everything, no matter how small it is because she has the ability to turn everything into something ugly against me. She is the one that has a history of violent relationships with men. She has accused others and to this point, no-one has seen thru her and protected me. The lawyers etc just don't want to get involved. I have to hope that the judge sees what she is doing and grants my request of contempt before the court and corrects the placement schedule with my son. I have to hope that he awards the legal fees too. She has been trying to break me for the last 8 years but more during the last 2 since I filed. Every dirty trick in the book. I just can't express how overwhelming it is at times. I paid for my destruction by paying and supporting her on her masters and then the psych goes against me in the most one sided report to the court that I could have ever imagined. Ironic that the evaluator was divorced twice and then remarried the guy 2 years later but kept the house and the kids.
Sorry for the length. I am still trying to recover from that meeting this week and am a little emotional about it.
-- Anonymous, August 05, 2001
You have just confirmed all my worst fears about what to expect when I finally divorce my wife. I need to be extra strong at that point because I know the system will fail me again. John #1
-- Anonymous, August 28, 2001
my story sounds like so many of the outhers.when my wife attacted me i just tryed to get away.she keep comming at me.she ketp hitting me in the face.will with me trying to get away she ended up with 2 small scratches on her knee.i had scratches all over an my eyes were swelling shut.the police were called.our state laws say that if both partyes have marks thsy both go to jail.well i went to jail she went to the hospital an got a knock out shot.i felt so emberresed so hurt cofussed upset.i guess whatreally eats at me is i could have stoped it.i could have hit back but i didnt.well to make a long story short i lost my job because of the arrest the da droped all charges an said i should have never should have been arrested.but the dammage was already done.i just take things one day at a time.we still have contact an she wants to work things out .iam scared i still love her but iam scared.i ask that you keep me in your prayers.
-- Anonymous, October 11, 2001
DON'T give-in. I am saying this from experience. You now have a mark on your record, she does not. Any time the police are called to your residence, it will show that you have been arrected for DV. Only after you are charged and in jail will any one care to find out that it was dismissed. then you will have two chargeson your record and it will turn into a mud slide (because that is what it is) That is what women want. to cover what is really happening, women are voilent and they do not want that in the public eye. If they can continue with men being charge for DV then they do not have to do anything to fix what they have destroyed.
-- Anonymous, October 12, 2001
I am doing research on police responce concerning domestic violence and i ran into this site. I find it very interesting and i decided to change the angle of my research and do it on comparison of police responce regarding female as a victim and male as a victim. I would like some responces about how you were treated as a male victim by the police and tell me if you have seen police treat a female victim differently. Thank you very much! P.S. Please, tell me what state you are in, so I can research the law for that state
-- Anonymous, November 17, 2001
Can you please send me the copy of the article "response to the exploration of issues affecting male victims of DV"? Apparently I wrote it and I would like a copy of it. Or send me to the web site where I can find it. Thank you!
-- Anonymous, November 21, 2004
If you're doing research for a published paper, or the like, you might join safe-admin and/or safe-support and request there. You'll probably find a lot of people who have stories. I just heard of one today of a man who was arrested multiple times and is now fleeing the law, even though his wife was the abuser.
-- Anonymous, November 20, 2001
I saw your website and read it all and am sad to admit that I am a female abuser. I think am am so physical because my husband is mentally abusive, If I want to be loving and affectionate to him I get pshed out the way like I'm on his nerves, I only get sex when he wants it. We have been married not even 6 months. He asked me to marry him because somebody else I worked with was getting too close to me. I thought I loved him so I married him, He gave me two engagements (.35 carrot) rings and went a year with out setting a date, then we moved in together that was a nightmare on elm street! we didn't get along. Then after 1 year of hell he called off the wedding. Pissed me all the way off, But I wasn't violent to him then..I'ts just been lately I have all this built in anger for the things he has done to me. I'm writing today because this morning I kicked his ass he never hits me back wouldn't care if he did. My job gave me tickets to a game yesterday, I was sick as a dog but I went to the game and asked him to go with me, 2nd have of the game I started feeling worse and wanted to leave but his team was winning and I stayed for him, That night couldn't sleep nose stopped up when I try to lay down, tossed and turned all night. Got up to go to work had to go (deadlined to meet) he goes in at 9am I have to be there at 8:00. I turn on the light say good morning and kiss him on the check he says "HURRY UP AND IRON, I HAVE TO IRON IN A FEW MINUTES!!, no how are you doing, feeling better? sorry you didn't sleep good no nothing. I stumple around for 35 more minuted tring to get ready for work, He is still in bed, I said I thought you said you need to IRON?? I pulled him and the covers off the bed. and said get your ass up then! he looked at me and slowly crawled back into the bed. I said get up Pulled him ou the bed again and and he landed back first on the floor (then I was happy not sure why) I called him all kind of stupid MF's. I think I am physically abrusive to him beface I know that I'm wasting my time with him- and I'm fooling no One. I'm tring to hurt him for all the times he has hurt me. I didn't come from a abusive family not one bit. I sometimes feel guilty, but most of the time I think about all the hurt emotionally he has put me threw. When we got married he picked a wedding band to wear, wore it 3 days after we were married and said it bothered his finger, even after it was resized by professionals fo fit his finger. I need advice!!!!
-- Anonymous, April 09, 2002
My son was a young teenage father. I must say, before continuing with this post, I find that many abusive women are simply replicas of the relationships they seen their parent/s in
In the beginning, my son, who is African_American, was very proud, although scared about his new role as a young father. Eventually, he ajusted. Taking better care of the child than the mother. After a time, though, he became listless, nervous, always after returning home from a visit to see his child. I began to pay closer attention and noted he had bruises on his arms, legs, angles as if he'd been repeatedly kicked on the ankle. I also noted him often limping, after his visits. At first when I questioned him, he would say he bumped into this or that, or he'd fallen and such. But after seeing a talk show speak on males being abused by females...I began to wonder. Finally, I confronted him for the truth. And he admitted the child's mother had been beating him up. I asked him, "Why do you continue to go around her?" He said he wanted to see his child, and he would deal with the abuse if necessary. He also told me he'd been threaten with not being able to see his child when he refused to have sex with the girl.
There were a few instances where she'd called the police on him after beating him up, but saying to the police that he'd hit her. One particular horrowing time there were two police who came to her house when he went to visit his child on one of the occassions she'd said he could never visit his child again. He was determined to go anyway. Well, the police came. Placed him in the patrol car. Drove off. While he was trying to explain that it was she, not he, who was doing the hitting, the police pulled out his revolver and stuck hit in my son's face and threaten to blow his head off. My son say he told the officer, "Officer-Sir, do what your God tells you to do. I have the GOD ALMIGHTY on my side. I have nothing to fear, even death." This totally deflated the officer, and he was let out of the patrol car miles away from home, where he had to walk back.
This happened years ago. The girl has since moved away and taken the child away somewhere to new york (we live in the southeast). We've lost all contact with her. And personally, at this point....I think it is best for it to stay that way. My son is grown and has married. From time to time he still wonders. I know the child-support people would have a field day if she should ever decide to come after him. That is why I've instructed him to keep a bank account in the child and his name and every payday place something in it. I don't care if it's five dollars. So that if she should ever try something, maybe the judge will listen and realize there's more than one side to a story when dealing with cases such as this.
Thank You for finally allowing me to tell this story. It has haunted me for some time now.
-- Anonymous, April 14, 2002
I think victims become rather paranoid that no one cares about them. I was told by an abuser (a female one) that after she filed several complaints against her brother-in-law that the police turned on her. She was mortified and told me that the police came over to see her and told her to cut it out, that she was the one with the problems and she had to stop harrassing this guy! They gave her a royal telling off and when she argued with them the response was "Well why is he the one crying then?" So guys, don't be afraid to show you're hurt, it helps your case. She never complained about him to the police again. The cops aren't stupid. They deal with domestic violence every day and are quite aware that it goes both ways.
-- Anonymous, October 08, 2002
I don't have any answers for you. I have just embarked on my own research paper on the topic of domestic violence against men. I think for me the hardest thing to swallow is that so much of society seems to disregard abuse against men because they find it too unbelievable. Yet it was not that long ago when abuse against women was just as unbelievable. I feel that abuse against men is very believealbe and needs to be taken far more seriously in society. Women are seen as powerless yet they sometimes hold more power than men. They have more access to "free" legal services, they can accuse a man with what ever they want to get what they want and are believed iwthout question. Men do not have these kinds of powers.
I would love any input you could give me on this subject. I am also interested in the subject of men getting the "raw deal" when it comes to child maintenance, divorce agreements and child custody issues.
Please email me with resource suggestions and any input you may have that will help me to see the big picture in all of this.
-- Anonymous, November 03, 2002
I have no answers either really, only empathy and a need to share my experience.
My parter of three years is 21 and I am 33. She was physically and mentally abused by her Mother from the age of nine...and when able to leave home...was entrapped...abused and raped by a boy she only agreed to go out with because he didn't have anyone else.
The effects of these experiences have left a telling mark on her. She can be aggressive AND violent. I confess that on a few occasions I HAVE struck back...purely out of frustration/fear/and being at a loss as to what to do. However...she has punched and kicked me...and eventually stabbed me in the leg with a kitchen knife which required medical attention.
The latest incident arose out of an argument last night. I had to go to work today with half my face swollen and finger prints on my neck where she tried to throttle me.
This sounds like a nightmare I know, but I love her...she has problems that almost no one has helped her with and she's almost completely estranged from her family, who refuse to believe what her Mother did to her...mainly because the incidents occured when they were alone in the house together.
Only her Grandfather knows the truth, but her Mother has constructed a web of deceit so cleverly that almost anything her daughter says is cast into doubt. She's alone and frightened, but despite my efforts to let her talk through the issues involved in this (night after night for a while...often into the early hours) she seems no calmer, or more resolved to get on with her life and say to herself that SHE can change even if they don't.
I still don't know what to do...I'm 33 and have no solution to my problem other than to end the relationship. It may seem strange but that is the last thing I want, and I suspect the same goes for my parter.
If sharing these experiences can help someone then I am glad. Having a friend to talk to or some other confidant would be a good place to start...because admitting this is happening to you goes against all out Male programming.
Good luck all.
-- Anonymous, November 07, 2002
I have to applaude all the men who posted here. It is vry courageous. My husband was an abused husband in his first marriage and we are still recieving death threats. It seems like since she is female, it's going way too lightly. We are raising 3 children from his first marriage and she has abused them mentally and physically and is still trying to now. Keep us in your prayers for DSS is taking her to court to take away her parental rights and all visitation. Men--good luck, I am not an abuser, but I've seen alot of it go on and its not fair
-- Anonymous, December 11, 2002
Same problem here with being abused by a woman and no ground to stand on even when I have proof and shared it with the sheriffs dept. that the call she made was a false call and she had told a friend that," He didn't hit me, I just called the cops on him to put a scare in him." I go see an attorney and his comment was," What jury is going to believe you, that your scared of a woman." And I'm still paying off the bill to this attorney. And because of the false calls it show's on police records that I have a history of violence even though I have proven twice now with audio tape that 1.she made a false call and 2. that she admitted to the sheriff's the next time that she did try to kick me in the face, but missed and they left her out here. And then they say they will give all the information to the domestic investigative team and they will be out and do a one on one investigation. Well thats been 8 months ago and nothing has been done. But I still have a record of a history of violence for something I haven't done. I feel for each of you out there going through the same thing and I sure don't have any answers and now I'm fixing to lose my house and more. Because I can't get a good paying job because when they do a background check guess what they find? A false report that I have a history of violence even after I prove to the sheriffs dept. that it was her filing a false report and the attacker. Wish I had the answer and wish there was an attorney out there that would fight for a mans rights.
-- Anonymous, February 04, 2003
I am currently looking for men abused by women who would be willing to be interviewed for a research study I am conducting with two other graduate students at the University of Houston-Clear Lake. If you are a male victim of domestic violence, and willing to talk to us, please email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
The interview could be conducted by telephone (we pay the charges).
Diane Black Family Therapy Graduate Program UH-CL
-- Anonymous, February 14, 2003
I am researching domestic violence for my sociology and criminology degree and i have decided that my core of my work will be looking at male vctims of domestic abuse, rather than the tradtional victims. If any one could give me some advice or information then it would be most appreciated. To all those that have posted their stories, it is about time men got to stand up and make people understand that it can happen to them to.
-- Anonymous, February 18, 2003
I sometimes think it would be easier to get a sex change than change the DV laws in whatever country you live in.
-- Anonymous, April 27, 2003
my answer is a poem I wrote about my husband. his ex-wife continues to play havoc in our lives and has successfully alienated his daughter from him by telling her that he is not her real father -- she only looks like him because my husband's father raped HER. I finally had enough of her sick,abusive behavior and put together alot of the essential facts of his life with her and since then in a poem. If this poem is ever published, I want it to remain anonymous.
she hammered his back as he washed the dishes surprise leftovers from the fight before. the wall wore dents from cans she threw, his arm still pink from the scalding splash, her latest strike in their 10-year fight. his ears shut down from her cursing screams, saltpeter seasoned his daily bread, she inhaled her food, upheaved into toilets, and power-shopped while he worked three jobs and tucked in the kids when she went on the road to find a new man and a better life. she served him divorce with restraining order and a $15,000 credit card debt. she packed up the kids and crossed the state line, said he was mean, said he beat her down, they had to be safe, find another town, (she forgot to mention that she was p.g.) he found a 1-bedroom, hired a lawyer, bought bunk beds and a kitchen card-table, sent child support checks, and called up the kids, and started to pay on the credit card debt. she lost the first kid she caught her guy with, but had two more and put down roots, she joined a committee, sat on a board, and told the whole town how lucky she was to be finally free of a violent man. he found a 2-bedroom and got a divorce, he picked up his kids and took them to eat, sent child support checks and kept on paying on the $15,000 credit card debt. she said he was psycho and made his kids wear her new man's name. He tried to complain, but the town turned its back and the new name stuck. he found a 3-bedroom and a real kitchen table, and picked up the kids for a camping trip, sent child support checks and kept on paying on the $15,000 credit card debt. she flushed her toilets in a fancy house, a well-stocked pantry with plenty to purge. a high-church lady, tennis and bridge, (no forged cards with secret p.o.) no need to work with 2 men to pay, a black Cadillac in a three-stall garage. but in early morning dreams she felt the heel of her hand on his well-formed back, the passion she craved, the way he forgave, and she missed him. he bought a small house and started to date, he found a new love and learned how to laugh, he picked up the kids who still called him Dad took them to movies and out for ice cream, sent child support checks and kept on paying on the credit card debt, $200 a month with 2 years to go but he just didn't care. washing dishes didn't make him cringe anymore.
-- Anonymous, May 17, 2003
Miami, Florida 7/6/03
Man who petitioned the Justice System for stay away orders on his violent obsessed estranged wife finds himself in jail after she went to his Business Office verbally assaulted and threatened him over a mere $20.00
Synopsis of event
State of Florida VS, Selvin Ferril Case F02037510
What really took place, on April 13th /02 I gave my estranged wife $100.00 towards my then ten year old child support a day after the child called and asked me for a book bag as the one I bought him previously had broken, I told him I won't be able to get him the book bag until the end of the week as I just gave what I had to his Mother, the following day he called and said Daddy I have $20.00 I asked him where did you get $20.00 from? he replied his Mother gave it to him.
I said at your age your Mother should not give you $20.00 as you'll take it to School and spend it all on Candy and other things, he then said can you use this to get my book bag? I then said good idea bring it when you coming to School in the Morning and I'll add another $20.00 to it take you to WALMart or Kmart and let you get the bag with wheels as requested, the child brought the money but I had forgotten to take it from him after I got him from School so I asked a friend who was also my landlord to go and get money from child as I didn't not want him to spend it on the ice cream truck, the child gave the money to my friend he in turn gave it to me.
On April 17th my estranged wife asked the child for the money he then told her he gave it to his Dad towards a book bag for him, his mother got angry turned up at my Business office pounded on the door calling me a thief using other profanities I gave back the $20.00 to the child went back inside my office she came back pounding on the door cursing and making threats I asked her to leave she refused as she wanted another $20.00 on the one I took from child.
This went on for a few minutes I went back inside closed the door she then started knocking on the bathroom window as if to break the window I then said to her I am going to call the Police she said go ahead I'll tell the Police that you stole the money from my son, I didn't want to call the Police as my son was there so I opened the door asked her again to leave she then said I must get you some how I am going to call all your creditors and tell them how to find you, we then got into a heated argument me calling her names she calling me names, she then said I must kill you some how! immediately she rushed off to her vehicle seeing that I instantly bend down picked up a stone about the size of a can of tuna fish held it in my hand as a means of defending myself in an effort to ward her off thinking she was about to get a weapon as she attacked me before with knife and scissors, she opened her car door bend over but didn't not come up with anything in her hands so I dropped the stone.
My wife went to the North Dade Justice Center filed an injunction against me by given false information as to what took place and where it took place the Judge granted a temporary injunction pending hearing, at the hearing I explained to the Honorable Judge Myriam Lehr what happened and where it happened including her constant harassment and provocation at my home and Office, the Judge asked her did you go to this man's place? she couldn't answer the Judge said answer me yes or no she said well your Honor yes, the Judge then asked her are you afraid of him she said yes! the Judge asked her then if you are afraid of this man why do you keep going to his place bothering him? The Judge then dismissed the case and ordered her not to return to my place. Case # 02-013348-FC-04 heard 5/14/02 North Dade Justice center.
My estranged wife wasn't pleased so she skipped North Dade Justice center for fear of the case going back to the same Judge added and subtracted from the facts now she claim I am coming to her place bothering her and that I am trying to take my son out of school with out her consent, she then got herself another temporary restraining order at the hearing she turned up with an Attorney provided by the legal Aid society That case was also later dismissed as all the Judges realized that it was she who is the aggressor one of the Judges even advised me to get an injunction on her.
Five months after the incident a Detective by the name of Shannon Walton along with another female officer called and said they needed to talk to me regarding an incident between me and my estranged wife I told them where I could be found, they came read me my rights was very cordial respectful and seemed to be seeking the truth I was then asked if I wanted to say what took place I said yes, she then questioned me I told them what took place as much as I could recall the officers wrote down all that I said Officer Walton then turned on a small tape recorder then asked me to repeat what happened I did, after listening to what I had to say Officer Walton and her partner went outside conferred with each other came back then said she is not here to arrest innocent people as she is the one causing the problems by turning up at your place.
During this time and before my son kept complaining of violent beatings at the hands of his Mother and older sister, I spoke to her I even gone as far as to solicit the intervention of her Church Pastor and other church members that still did not help I had no choice than to let it be knowing to the Court as she initiated a stay away order on me in an effort for me not to see child as the child would complain to me about the abuse.
I notified the DCF as there were belt marks and other physical marks on child he was also complaining of getting hit in his face and back of head by two instructors at a Private Military Christian school his Mother enrolled him in without my knowledge the DCF dismissed the report as unfounded, the matter was taken to Court the Judge subpoenaed the DCF the DCF did not complied insisted they sent two reports made prior to incident with a aim to mislead the Court and to place the blame on me, the Judge was not satisfied with what the DCF sent so she ordered that the child be brought to court so she could question him her self, the child was brought to court the Judge saw the marks and was told by child that his Mother is beating him even when he is in the right and that he got hit in the face and back of head by instructors at school, the Judge ordered that child should not return to that abusive institution and that he should remain in Park Way Middle School the school I transferred child to.
I then motioned for a re-hearing as I found out that the DCF printed another updated report a day after the court made it's findings had it placed in the Courtís file in an effort to cover their wrong doings, the case was set for a rehearing on 1/2/03 on December 20th I heard that Detective Walton was looking for me I instantly called her she said she needs to see me in her Office I knew that very moment that she was going to arrest me as my son did say to me daddy one of the instructors at the school is also a Police officer, I went to Detective Walton's office as I reached there she said to me, why are you trying to take the child from his Mother? Why you took child out of school Mother placed him in? she also said I have read the DCF report.
Officer Walton then charged me with Aggravated Assault, Burglary/Vehicle with Battery and simple Battery Charge that had me in Jail for almost three months without bail, to make matters worst officer Walton turned up at my bond Hearing/Arthur Hearing with a video tape that was made using my very own son saying that I abused him and that I have a gun and is going to kill his Mother, Thank God the public defender noticed irregularities with the video tape of which he brought to the attention of the Judge I also insisted that I be allowed to explain what happened, after my explanation the Honorable Judge Hague expressed his disfavor with the person who did the interview he was also upset with the claim of child abuse, he then ruled in my favor Presumption not great then granted bond in the amount $10,000 with monitoring device.
After bail was granted I felt so good believing that I was out now so I could prove my innocence, my problem had just started the bonds man came to get me out but was not able to as some one within the system wrote no bond even though bond was granted I had to re-appear in Court that took another two weeks at the hearing no one could say why I was not able to bond out, the Honorable Judge J. Bagley ordered that I be allowed to bond out.
After my release from jail my son told me all that he was told to say including the abuse and violence he is still undergoing, the Police was called the DCF was notified and believe it or not the child is still in the care of the Mother as no one believes they all think that I am doing it so as to get custody of child and to get back at Mother.
I intend to place the Offence incident report the Complaint/Arrest Affidavit her sworn statements given in seeking the injunctions for all to see what wickedness has being done to me, and it all caused from a woman who is unable to control her violent temper an a system that is giving no protection against men who are abused by women.
I will also provide my police report on the very day the confrontation took place.
These will without a doubt show that I was arrested and charged in an effort to silence me and that the reports made by my estranged wife contain fabricated and malicious lies.
In closing I want to make it clear to all that I do believe if a man or woman puts his or her hands on another individual in a violent way as to cause arm or in any offensive manner that person should be dealt with in a strict manner according to the laws of the land, I also believe that no one should be allowed to harass, provoke, stalk, threatened another person then claim Domestic violence when that person is the culprit.
Since I contacted the Police and the Police alerted the DCF I have not seeing my child I called his aunt's home and was told that he is not suppose to talk to me, there is no court order saying that, yet she refuses to allow me to see him that is how controlling she is, the child is still under the abusive control of his Mother and her co- conspirator and I am helpless as no one will believe me.
My prayer and wish is that someone out there will read this my experience and offer help so that my child and others will get the attention and care that all children deserve with out violence, and that men will be treated equally under the Law as relates to Domestic Violence.
-- Anonymous, July 08, 2003