Minnesota Man Fights Back Against Denial of Service Attacks

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Bloomington, MN

Upset over a recent spate of denial of service attacks, local webmaster Alex Hill feels like his hands are tied. Like Yahoo and Amazon, he has no idea where to turn next.

The first incident happened after a night of drinking and fun at "Whiskey King", with his wife and several friends. Witnesses say that Hill's wife, Karen, 31 and inebriated, rubbed his inner thigh provocatively and told him, "I can't wait until we get home."

At approximately 12:30 CST, the first denial of service occurred as his wife passed out on the bed clad only in g-string panties and a partially opened Nautica robe. The confused and somewhat angry Hill hunched semi-erect at the edge of the bed, eventually falling asleep as he was unable to wait out the attack.

The attacks continued for several nights in a row, beginning earlier and earlier each night, and including (but not limited to) the well documented oral denial of service attacks.

"There is no security against this that I can afford" lamented Hill, after consultants suggested that he purchase his wife a big-ass diamond or a BMW 540i in order to decrease the attacks.

The final DOS attack occurred in Aisle 3 of the Lund's Grocery Store in Edina. An obviously distraught Hill sought access when his wife bent over to pick up a box of Crispy Wheats & Raising that was knocked from a store shelf. After trying to gain access several times, security finally kicked in and removed Alex Hill from the store.

The denial of service has only increased since then, and Hill's only alternative has been to remove himself from the situation.

"This has been a nightmare, but things are looking up" were Hill's only comments as he sped off to a forest preserve in his Toyota Camry station wagon with two drunken midgets and a crippled goat.

Hill's wife would not comment.

-- CJS (cjs@noemail.com), March 08, 2000


Mrs Hill has decided to comment.

"Mr Hill, You don't have to buy me a great, big, gaudy diamond ring. The denial of service will stop when you buy yourself a real gold earring, do I won't get green circles on my thigh anymore!"


-- (I didn't s@y.that), March 08, 2000.

"so I won't get green circles on my thigh anymore!"

-- (I didn't s@y that.either), March 08, 2000.


They wouln't be there that long ;)

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), March 08, 2000.


Dear Tech Support: I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed the new program began unexpected Child processing which took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenen was mentioned in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization and immediately monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Football 5.0, Pokernight 3.1 and BoysNightOut 2.5 no longer run at all and crash the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of the other programs. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but cannot get Wife 1.0 to uninstall. Can you help me, please?? Joe

P.S. My Wife 1.0 also appears to be sucking up all my RAM. Do you think if I run the Defragmentation device on My Wife every night that My Wife might ease off on my HARD DRIVE? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------

Tech Support answer letter Dear Joe: This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many programmers upgrade fom Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the miscoception that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is actually an "OPERATING SYSTEM" and is designed by it's creator to run EVERYTHING. It is unlikely that you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend &.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing could be gained from attempting this purge. It is impossible to un-install, delete or otherwise purge the program files from the system once installed. There is no way to change Wife 1.0 back to the previous ENTERTAINMENT program of Girlfriend 7.0. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or even Wife 2.0 but almost all have ended up with far more problems than at the beginning. Look in your manual under WARNINGS "Alimony and Child Support". Keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest that you read the entire section of the manual regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that occur regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimately you will have to use the APOLOGISE command anyway before the operating system will return to normal parameters. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a geat program but extermely high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 such as Flowers 2.1, Chocolates 5.7 and Cordon Bleu 100.00. WARNING!!! DO NOT install Short Skirted Secretary 3.3. This is not a supported application for the operating system Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system and, in some cases, potential physical harm to the the programmer. Best of Luck Tech Support

-- luckey (quicktofix@msn.com), March 08, 2000.


I successfully uninstalled Wife 1.0 by using LAWYER 2.3. However Children 3.0 still have to be maintained for another 2 years. Some evidence of WIFE 1.0 still pops up from time to time, but doesn't interfer with running GIRLFRIEND 9.1. I intend to ungrade GIRLFRIEND to WIFE 2.1 later this year, however my system is now immunised against CHILD (all versions).

I have no problem running FOOTBALL (any Version) as WIFE 2.1 is fully compatible, however I'm not so sure about BOYS_NIGHT_OUT 2.5.

The add-ons suggested by Tech Support (such as FLOWERS 2.1 and CHOCOLATE 2.7 may help with the performance of WIFE 1.0 in the short term, but for real satisfaction it may be best to bite the bullet and uninstall WIFE 1.0. If you are just after an entertaiment and utilities system have you considered AU_PAIR 1.0 for the best of both worlds?

-- Malcolm Taylor (taylorm@es.co.nz), March 09, 2000.

Luckey and Malcolm,

That is the funniest thing I've ever read in any Y2k fora. It's a shame to have it buried in this thread because I think a lot of people would get a kick out of it if they saw it. No one's going to see it here! Do you think if we started it as a new thread, Old TB would care?


-- laura (ladylogic@.....), March 09, 2000.

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