Should men open doors for ladies? I I do for my wife. In my mind its a courtesy thing? Other thoughts?

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Answers

My wife told me that was something that made her think I was a really nice guy when we first knew each other, though it's something I do for anyone I'm walking with, man or woman.

Women in art school took offense. Like I care...

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

I really don't see this as a problem, unless you are opening doors for women (and women exclusively) because you think you ought to.

People ought to open doors for other people now and then. It's nice. If the person next to you is carrying a package or a cup of coffee, open the damn door. If the person is on crutches, please, for the love of Pete, open the door. (I spent three months on crutches once, and I guess people didn't want me to feel helpless or something ... but it's hard, and sometimes with a heavy door, it was impossible. Open the door!) If the person is walking right behind you so you're going to smack them in the head with the door when you open it, by all means, hurry up a bit so you can gracefully open the door and hold it for them.

Do NOT open the door because she's pretty, or with a big sigh because your mother taught you to do it but you know these big city girls have bad manners and she's not going to appreciate it, or because you've got a chip on your shoulder and you want to see if she's one of them feminazis who'll get all bent out of shape. If you open the door for either of those reasons, then you deserve to be yelled at, and I won't feel sorry for you.

But I open doors for people all the time, and I really appreciate it when I need someone to open one for me and they do. On those occasions when I don't need it and someone does it anyway, I also appreciate it, and I always say thank you.

It's just not worth getting riled up about in either direction, I don't think.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Pretty much what Beth said. Holding doors open for people with packages or whatever in their arms is just basic humanity. Holding it open for the person behind you after you've passed through, so it doesn't slam in his/her face, ditto. These rules apply to both sexes.

A man who holds a door for a woman he's walking with, or who reaches the door at approximately the same time, is being nice, in my book, and should be thanked with a smile. I have not noticed an excess of good manners (or even basic consideration for others) in the world recently, so I appreciate seeing them when they appear.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

What Beth said, again.

It's nice for the person nearest the door to open it for their companion of either sex.

If a guy rushes around me or past me to get to the door and open it, that feels kind of weird and uncomfortable.

If your wife likes it, by all means keep on doing it.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

I think i wholeheartedly agree with Lizzie crow@well on her last statement. The insincerity and apple polishing of making a big thing of it is obviously ridiculous. I think a lot of the discussion is centered on the degree of intent and the meaning behind it. I think nice people are nice and nice people are graceful about at least giving a nod of thanks.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Yes.

But in a common sense way. If an able bodied woman and a man on crutches get to the door at the same time, she ought to open it for him.

Maybe...whoever gets there first, opens it, but if they both arrive at the same time, it is nice for the man to open it, in a "I know perfectly well, miss, that you can open this for yourself" sort of way.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Again, what Beth said. I open/hold open doors for anyone who looks like s/he's going to be passing through. I've gone out of my way to open doors for someone who looks burdened, to the point of going back through the door. I just think it's polite, and I don't think it's only something men should do.

On a similar note, prior to most new cars have automatic locks, I was taught by my father to unlock and open the passenger door for a guest before getting into the driver's side.

Now, have any of you women ended up doing the "No, after you" routine with a man who wanted to instead hold the door for you? I've actually had (usually older) gentlemen act flabbergasted that a 20-something female would hold a door for them.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

What Beth and others have said - it's not just men who should be opening doors and it shouldn't be just because one's a female and the other's a male. That kind of thing is silly. But opening doors for people who look like they need assistance is polite, as is just holding a door open for whoever is behind you.

One related thing that bugs me is on crowded elevators (which I ride every day), if I or other women are in the back, some men (usually older) want the women to exit first.. It would be a lot easier (and more polite, I think) if the guys just got OUT OF THE WAY, rather than expecting the people in the back squeeze by them to get out first, just because they are female.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

I've got to agree with the previous posts. I like it when doors are opened or held for me and I like to open or hold doors for others.

If I get there first, I'll hold the door. If someone is going to have trouble negotiating the door, I'll open it. If I'm driving someone, male or female, then I'll open the passenger's door first (more men than women seem surprised and pleased by this, and I've noticed more men open the passenger's door than women). If I'm being driven somewhere and the other person is thoughtful enough to let me in first, then I'll automatically reach over to open their door for them.

It's just all about courtesy. My mama taught me to be polite and it's now to the point that all of this is more habit than anything. But it's a habit I rather like and hope to inspire the same kind of habits in others. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

In the cases of men rushing from behind you to open the door, I don't feel awkward about that at all. If that's what they want to do, with a hopeful smile on their face, than I'll politely thank them, then walk through the door as if it's my right to have all doors opened for me.

Because, you know, it is. Not because I'm a woman, but because I'm a great human being. And so humble, too. ;D

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Pamela - I've had some major door-opening issues at the company I used to work at. The worst though, was when I was carrying a bag or something, and I opened the door, and I knew that getting through the door was going to be a bit of a struggle that I'd rather experience alone, so I'd tell them to go ahead. And invariably they'd stand there going "After you" and in my head I was shrieking "JUST GO THROUGH THE DAMN DOOR" but of course being a polite young lady, I fought my way in.

The worst though was a guy who I knew didn't like me, and he knew I didn't like him. And every now and then I would open the door for our whole team to go through and he would be the last one and he would stand there saying "After you" and I'd be like no go ahead really. And he would say "No no no after you". Most of the time I gave in. One day I finally snapped and just said "John I'm being polite and holding the door since I was here first, just go in okay!". He finally stopped doing it.

The worst though was getting off of the elevator. I used to be quite clueless about the ladies first thing (highschool and college boys aren't quite as into manners). So I'd be on the elevator with 5 older men lost in my own thoughts - at the back too - and the doors would open and I'd stand there, waiting for them to get off. Of course, they're all deferring to me. It was pretty funny - the first 5 times. Eventually I learned to accept that I got off the elevator first.

Of course, now I work at Microsoft and none of the geek boys do that so I just end up looking rude or snotty getting off before the boys. I just can't win.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

I will not date a man that doesn't open doors for me. This includes car doors. I don't *expect* a man I don't know to open a door for me in a building, (because you never know who will and who won't and I won't stand there like a dope waiting for a man to open the door) but if he happens to do so, that is fine with me and I thank him.

I will open doors for anyone who needs help in doing so or has their hands full, male or female. That's just good manners.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Per my ongoing discussion with Doug and the general consensus that seems to be building:

I will hustle to open doors for folks who are heavily laden or otherwise look like they could use a hand, similarly to helping the blind cross a street, or helping an elderly lady or gentleman to get up the stairs if they are having trouble.

If I'm first to the door, sometimes I open it and hold it for everyone else, sometimes not, depending on the situation.

If someone does hold the door for me, I don't get bitchy about it, but it often confuses me and makes me feel odd when older guys do it, ostensibly, just because I'm a woman.

I too have gotten stuck in 'After you' battles Pamela, but more often than not they've yielded hilarious results worthy of America's Funniest Home Videos.

On the car door thing, I don't care about having the door _opened_ for me, but if the car has manual locks, prompt unlocking of the door, regardless of the gender of the driver, especially in inclement weather is much appreciated.

IMHO, common sense general courtesy is more important than rote-following of tradition.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Little owl - fantastic. I does look to me like common sense and courtesy rule most of us. As for the "in your face types" male or female the best answer to them is to smile and say, "in your opinion," and walk off if the person wants to persue it - - - - - it's pretty hard for some one to score a point or win an argument if the target is walking away in a serene manner.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

I'm with all of you... politeness is the thing. If a man opens a door for me, I appreciate it because it smooths the transition through the door. Similarly, I hold doors for my mother and other older people, or if someone has their hands full, or sometimes just because I want to.

The women off the elevator first business is iffier. I'd much prefer if people would just concentrate harder on not rushing in until everyone was finished coming out.

What really burns me is when the person proceeding me through the building doors where I work drops them on me. I work in an old building with big heavy doors which literally stop me dead in my tracks as I struggle insanely to push them open against momentum. I've seen smaller women pushed backwards by the weight of those doors. But women do it to me all the time.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Chiming in late --

Yes, yes, yes, I open doors for other people all the time, even if it's just a matter of me arriving there first, so I let the other person go by. I never think about it, it's just polite.

But I also live in an area where it's very common for men to see a woman coming, and wait for the woman to get there to go through the door in front of them. They smile, they're cordial, it's a good-ol'- boy kinda thing to do.

And I think it's nice. It would never occur to me to be offended. I know what it's like to be 9 months pregnant on a bus and have everyone look the other way because nobody wants to give up their seat. I know what it's like to have a stranger make a point of smiling and holding the door, just because I'm approaching -- not loaded down with bags or on crutches.

I like living in a place that is that friendly.

Pooks

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

I like that people open the doors for me when I'm pregnant because I've got short arms, a whacked center of gravity and a big belly and feel like a giant whale. An opened door is a blessing!

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

My take on this one is very simple. I'm happy to have men open doors for me; I see it as friendly and courteous and assume they think the same. For that reason, if I'm the first one there I tend to hold the door for the man behind me. What irritates me is men who refuse to accept the same courtesy from me that they expect me to accept from them; they either run out of their way to beat me to the door or simply refuse to pass through it while I hold it. That feels demeaning and sexist. My two cents...

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Almost any time you park in front of someone's house, your passenger side door will be facing their building. Therefore I almost *always* unlock their door from the outside, then go around to the drivers side. I've long since learned that if that door is not unlocked by the time I get there, chances are the person is going to be extremely self- absorbed and not worth a second date.

Wierd.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000

Or maybe just a clutz ... I always have trouble with car door locks. But at least I try. (Except in the Buick, because it always shocks me. Jeremy has to open the Buick himself.)

Unlocking the door for your passenger is a good policy. I admit that I forget that one sometimes, because I so rarely drive with another person in the car. But it's the polite thing to do, and yes, the passenger should unlock the driver's door.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000

Dagnabbit David, do you consider it an act of deliberate discourtesy because some one didn't think to unlock the driver's door ? I do not think the punishment fits the crime ! Denver doug

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000

Why is someone who is "extremely self-absorbed" not worth a second date? I enjoy that, as it takes all the pressure off. I'd rather talk about her than me.

As for the door holding issue...

When somebody holds open a door for somebody, the implication is obvious: "I want to have sex with you." Haven't you noticed it's always older, lecherous men who want so badly to hold open doors for younger, voluptuous women? They just want to run their filthy eyes over the hapless young woman's body as she passes through the doorway.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000

Mountainous Molehills everywhere you look. Dave Van, your comment on opening doors is either farcial humor or a good explanation of why your mail is on the down side. denver doug

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000

It's both, actually.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000

I kinda agree with Dave here... I open doors because I want to seem gallant and charming-- i.e., I'm trying to get laid. (And it fits with my image of being a mid-18th c. English gentleman...)

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000