What baggage do you carry?

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Everyone brings some hangup to a relationship; I don't care how stable you are. Maybe it's something minor, like an intolerance for people who squeeze the toothpaste in the middle, or a preference for eating dinner late. Maybe it's more serious: maybe you're the child of an alcoholic so you're a compulsive pleaser. Maybe you have trouble expressing anger because you come from an abusive family. Maybe it's something in the middle: you're generally well adjusted, but there are certain situations that affect you more than they should, just because of your history.

What's your baggage? How does it continue to affect you? Have you managed to ditch it over the years? Are you conscious of it, so you take care to work around it? Share your stories.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Answers

I'm awful with criticism. I cry, I get hurt feelings, I become convinced that I'm worthless. My dad criticised everything I did, all of my life, so I'm sure that's why I react badly now. I'm also deseprately afraid of letting people down, or of disappointing them. I'm usually convinced that people will dislike me anyway, so it makes the whole trying-too-hard-to-please thing much worse.

I'm also deathly afraid that, whenever someone I'm close to gets angry at me, that they will leave me -- I'm not analytical enough to know why I feel like this. I just do. And maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophesy, because it seems to happen an awful lot.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000


Ya know, Beth, I so identified with your entry today. I didn't so much "cry" whenever my parents criticised me as I cringed and turned all this self-demoralizing chant inward: you're stupid, you can't do X, you're going to fail, etc. At the same time, they would say things like, "You're a straight A student, you should be doing X" and X was usually something impressive (and often something a cousin was doing successfully.) There were lots of "bragging" to others in the family about how smart I was or talented I was in something... but to me, the message always seemed to be that I was coming up very short in actual application -- because see, I had all this "talent" and I was constantly screwing up or just plain old not living up to my potential. This went from everything from attracting boys, ("You know, boys are really going to be intimidated if you act so smart around them and show off... you shouldn't be a show-off, you know....you should be more feminine and not so bossy... you should relax and learn to smile more... to you should be more yourself... be unique, don't copy other people... you should excel at college and find you someone really smart...") to choices of work.

I stood up to them at some point (I think when I was about 30) and there was a rather emotional argument. (Well, I'd arguably been "standing up to them" for years, because I was always rebelling, but I actually told them what I thought as an adult at that point, and they listened a lot and tried to change.) I made the same decision you made... quit cringing and taking it on as MY problem whenever they criticize. It wasn't easy. I still get really jumpy and feeling self-defeated if Carl gets grouchy or harsh about something and he watches that carefully. It's funny, because it doesn't affect me with strangers -- just family. I'm much more even keel, more more confident... and yet, I'm still fighting it and aware of it and still learning to get over it.

On the one hand, it made me a better parent and friend. And I know my parents meant well (and they did, we've had lots of talks) and as my mom says, she never set out to "do something that would screw up my child." On the other... well, there's wishful thinking, isn't there.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000


Yeah, Toni, I do all that internalizing, self-punishment stuff, too. In fact, I do that more often than I actually cry, but "I will not cry" is an easier resolution than "I'll stop doing all that bad, annoying, self-defeating stuff I do whenever someone tells me I'm a bad parallel parker."

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

I have huge, huge issues. My past follows me around everywhere. My best friend, Richie, has suffered more than any of my other friends. I have this tendecny to try to control my anger by not talking about the little things. Pretty soon, all those little things blow up and I start yelling at Richie. He's always so surprised and confused. Then, he apologizes for the things that really weren't right; and I apologize for going psychotic. Then, I vow never to do it again, so I internalize my anger even more until, BOOM! Poor Richie, I don't know why he sticks with me, but he does.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

ahh, what a big question.

My mother was super critical. To this day I have no real understanding of what unconditional love is. My parents loved me if I was good, got good grades, worked to potential, etc. My mom has since acknowledged some regrets about the way she raised me, and that's good, but it doesn't really undo the lessons I learned way back when about what it means to love somebody.

My mom was also very controlling. Consequently I spent the first 30 years of my life looking for someone who could take over the job, and never trusting myself. I still don't trust myself not to fuck up most of the time. I also have troubles with expecting to control others - everything my mate does reflects on me, right? So of course I should approve what he wears when he leaves the house, etc. Also it feels reasonable to ask him to control various people like his friends who annoy me, etc.

My dad was loveable but in his own world. My mom handled all the finances and home maintenence - I mean the keeping track part. We all put in time doing chores. Anyway, it's hard for me not to think of men as nice to have around but not the people who matter. You can always charm them, you know? So they don't count for much. Women, though - you can't fool them. When I have a woman boss I'm on my toes. She must know what I'm thinking even before I think it.

that's just off the top of my head....

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000



I have the same reaction to criticism Beth -- floods of tears, _especially_ when the criticism comes frmo my father.

However, in my case, standing up to him _did_ help. Being _heard_ wound up being important to me, so finally Dad and I had it out and I told him everything that I'd had on my chest for years.

Only problem: I still couldn't stop the tears. I went into that conversation saying to myself, "I won't cry, I won't freaking cry, because that happens every time and it always gets in the way... etc. etc."

I still bawled like a baby, although I managed to hold it back for most of my speech.

I still have Dad-related baggage though -- most of it has to do with criticism and low self-esteem. My father's comment to any problem is simply: "So? Fix it."

Feeling depressed? "Don't be sad." Got a broken heart? "Get over it." Fearful of speaking in public? "Just get up and do it."

I was a shy and fearful adolscent. My dad's bluster only made me feel worse, made me crawl into my shell more, which fed back into more bluster from Dad and more crawling from me.

Eventually I've grown out of the shyness. Most of the things that scared me then, are not a problem now. Time and patience slowly taught me how not to be afraid.

Oddly enough, the solution to a lot of my Dad-baggage seems to have arisen from our professional relationship. I started working for him as a developer a couple of months ago and it's done wonders. He's the kind of boss I like to have -- laid back, but not so laid back that nothing gets done. Interested in what I'm doing, and the best solution for his particular problem.

And he gets to see me doing what I do best -- creating interfaces and scripting solutions with nice graphics.

So we've settled into a sort of respectful happy medium, where before there was a lot of fear, disappointment and bitterness.

I have two other pieces of baggage: my childhood abroad and the One Who Left.

But as with everything ... time is healing those wounds too, though they will always be baggage that makes me who I am.

And I am, as always, hyper-aware of my baggage.

Drives Sabs nuts:) He forgets his at the airport all the time, after all.

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000


my baggage is guilt. i think that this might be a common thing among people who come from the "second family" - that is, my father was married with two kids when he met my mother and ran off to marry her and have me. i have a great relationship with both of my half brothers; i even had a good, though weird relationship with their mother until she died in 1996; however, even though this was never even hinted at, let alone said explicitly, i grew up with the distinct idea that for me to even exist, three people were made very unhappy. my father (who is a wonderful, generous, thoughtful man) came away from his first marriage with the most extreme case of guilt i have ever seen, too, and the combination of these two things means that now if anything bad happens, i *know* that it is, in some convoluted way, my fault, and i have to do my utmost to fix it. i don't think that this is a tendency that affects others adversely, but if i had a penny for every time someone has turned to me and said, looking at me curiously, "actually jess, it's *not* your fault", then i could be a reasonably rich woman by now.

the other piece of baggage i carry is being insanely competitive and rabidly independent. i think this also stems from the first family/second family thing - i always felt very strongly that i had to prove that i didn't have any more rights or any more love than either of my brothers, and that, if i achieved something, or made my father proud of me, i had done it purely on my own merit. this *can* affect others adversely, particularly in a relationship - i try to do everything, be superwoman, and then get pissed off with mark for not helping, even though i wouldn't have let him anyway.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000


I don't cry in response to criticism -- I bleed. Then I pick the barb out of the wound and place it gently in my ever-growing menagerie, so I can come back to it from time to time to remind myself of my own incompetence. I don't remember ten percent of the compliments I've received in my life, but I remember very nearly every negative comment. It's odd, but that thin-skinned quality seems to both drive and diminish my creative work. On the one hand, I sometimes succeed only because I struggle more than most to get everything just right and to make sure I don't give anyone a solid reason to pick at me. But on the other hand, that eagerness to please means I don't trust my own instincts, and play it safe when I should be daring everything. I've gotten thicker-skinned over the years, but I'm not at the point yet where one foul remark won't ruin my whole week. When you carry around a certain lack of faith in your own worth, it's all too easy to let any ill breeze blow you away like a d

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

"dry leaf." See?

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

None. I'm absolutely perfect. And if I stopped being absolutely perfect for even a moment, a flash of flame would incinerate me to ash, and ten seconds later no one on earth would even remember that I was here.

I am lucky that my wife has helped me reduce this element in myself. She makes a point of not beating me up when I fail -- she tells me she knows I already have that covered.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000



I guess my biggest problem is that I feel guilty for pretty much everything. Even things that couldn't possibly be my (or anyone elses's) fault. For example, my husband and I gave my Mom I ride to the mall. Her perfume gave him a headache and I spent the rest of the day feeling guilty because obviously that was entirely my fault! I have no idea where this comes from, but I'd have to say that it's the baggage that affects me the most!

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

...but i'm working on all of them and really have started to come a long way...

...the one thing that i can't escape though are my "personal pet peeves" about really normal habits...like, i HATE the sound of someone chewing with their mouth open or people doing ANY funky lip-smacking-swallowing-loudly things with their mouth...seriously it makes me want to crack skulls...i dunno why and it is something that always comes up in relationships since you have a tendency to have more "quiet dinners" where you hear every little pin drop...

...i've tried everything to try and alleviate my anxiety about this, but so far nothing has worked....i guess my solution is to find someone with really good mouth manners...

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000


1. From just getting out of a relationship with a very controlling man, I am now very sensitive and defensive if my current beau tries to "suggest" a better way to do something. Such as "you shouldn't put cups with gold trim on them in the microwave" (It's my cup and my microwave and I'll do it if I want to). "Can I show you a neat trick on chopping that garlic?" (Okay, I let him but it was a struggle). Driving issues. I just look at him and say "would you like to drive?"

Also, since I believe the aforementioned control freak may be gay, I am on the lookout for that. Oh, you like musicals? Are you gay? You know how to cook? You're gay, aren't you? Your apartment is well decorated and kept neatly. I know you're gay now. What do you mean you like the theatre? You're gay. All the stereotypical things send me on the defensive, but I'm trying not to voice it any more.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000


Interesting topic, Beth. I actually think I have almost the opposite problem. I'm very analytical and am usually pretty good at accepting constructive criticism. My problem is that I'm so independent and self-motivated I'm often reluctant to let myself be vulnerable. Relationships require compromise, and I have trouble compromising who I am in order to build a life with someone else. Instead of being told that I'm too sensitive, I get told that I'm not sensitive enough - that I never seem to need anyone else. That's not entirely accurate, but there's certainly a grain of truth in it, and I can see how it frustrates people. I'm sure there's a happy medium in there somewhere, but it sounds like most of us are still searching for it ;)

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

The little things, the tiny atomic things which all add together over the course of being around someone for many years, whether friend, relative or co-worker. Heather used to have the patience of a saint, but in the course of time the little ones would get her goat. Then one of them would do some little no-no and she would unleash the fury which had been bottled up. She would slam doors, berate the kids something ferocious. Not a bit of physical violence. The poor little one who had been the final straw would stand in fear and in the depth of absolute terror. After they had grown and we could all talk to each other as adults they told us that during those times that on person would wonder what the heck did I do that was so bad. As I get older I have little patience with annoyances and grouse and gripe and sometimes make remarks that later I see were unkind, undeserved and hurting - - go through the deep guilt bit and finally make it up to that person. I otta know better'n that.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2000


Considering I do public speaking about this matter, I've never really considered it baggage. My sister begs to differ though.

When I was 18, I made the mistake of living with a boyfriend. I was raped by his best friend one night after the two of them decided to go out drinking. That's only fills up half of my suitcase though.

From that, I got pregnant. My choice was to continue with the pregnancy. I now have a beautiful daughter who is now 18 months old. She was adopted and I'm still in contact with her family.

Luckily, I'm involved with a guy who didn't freak out when I told him about this. If I ever did tell a guy and he flipped out on me, I wouldn't want him in my life anyway. It's a part of who I am and what makes me the person I am today. If someone, a potential lifemate or otherwise, wants to whig out about my past, that's fine, but they can do so away from me. I've dealt with it, and everyone else I know has as well.

It makes for a shaking first couple of dates though. Always have to wonder if you should bother starting to like someone for the fear that you will tell them and they'll run.

-- Anonymous, March 16, 2000


I won't fight- parents do it pretty much constantly. I will if necessary go with whatever the other person wants because I hate fighting and arguing. I was getting yelled at yesterday on another board that "even if someone's mistreating you or neglecting you you won't object?" Well, yeah. I used to object to my parents, and that never did any good. I did improve to the point of doing actual discussion with most recent ex, though. But basically I will put up with about any load of crap shoved at me just so I don't have to argue and fight about it. Yelling drives me batty, plus I could count on one hand how many times standing up for myself ever did a lick of good.

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2000

My baggage has affected my life awfully. I had a wonderful home, loving parents, and was told from the time I was born that I was incredibly smart. I was also told that the best place to meet a boy was in church, which is what I did. I guess I wasn't all that smart, because I couldn't see his real "face". A month after we got married, he started beating me severely every night. I had never experienced violence of any kind, and I was very young so I assumed I was doing somthing terribly wrong to warrent this. Then one day he came home from college and told me that while in the shower after weight training class he had seen the biggest dick he had ever seen in his life and he wanted to suck it SO bad. It was then that I found out he had been having this "thing" with his cousin Robert since they were old enough to do anything. It was still going on. Later, he told me that his nephew Emelio had accused him of fondling him while still in diapers. It got so bad, and I was so terrorized, that one night I hid a knife under my pillow. When he went to sleep, I put it to his neck, but thank God he started moving because I got scared and threw the knife under a dresser. I came seconds away from killing him. I finally realized that I was not to blame for his behavior, and divorced him. To this day, he claims that according to the bible we're still married. I just ask him what that makes his new wife and children. Unfortunately, I had a son with him. In the 12 years since our divorce, he has exposed himself to me in front of his daughters (with his new wife) repeatedly, has tried forcing himself on me, and our son has come home with tales of his father playing "titty-twister" with his niece. I have explained to my son how inappropriate this is, and how ashamed I would be if I found out he was doing this to anyone. As a result of all of this, I have a dreadful fear of marriage. Before I met my ex, I dated a boy that I loved but who was too intense for my age(I was 15). After my divorce we got back together. we have been together for 12 years. He has asked me to marry him many, many times, and each time I tell him no. He knows my ex, and he understands why I say no, but I know it hurts him. That is my baggage. Sorry for unloadin for so long.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

My baggage is an absolute fear of being *compared* to any other male... I know in my secret heart that any other guy a girl has been out with is better-looking, better in bed than I am, and that anything a girl has done with another guy is better than what she's done with me. So I get obsessed with having her re-enact things with me-- go to the same places, do the same things, try the same things. If I can get her to do that, then it cancels out that she's done something with someone else, someone who's better than me.

-- Anonymous, July 10, 2000

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