A man is at the Stadium of Plight watching the mackems. The crowd is silent as the red & whites are two goals down. Niall Quinn then pulls a goal back as the ball bounces off his arse and into the net. The man notices a dog in the crowd jump up and perform a somersault.

In the fifth minute of injury time a freak gust of wind diverts gray's misshit cross into the top corner to snatch a draw for the mackems. The dog is now performing backward double somersaults with triple twists.

The spectator is amazed at the dogs antics and ask's its owner

"what the hell does the dog do when you win ?"

The mackem owner replies:

" I don't know, I only got him for Christmas...."

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

Answers

The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex. Fortissimoe: The musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the faces of the first-violin section. Tatyr: A lecherous Mr. Potato Head. Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous "Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it. Contratemps: The resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in workers. Coiterie: A very VERY close-knit group. Whitetater: A political hot potato. Impotience: Eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Taterfamilias: The head of the Potato Head family. Guillozine: A magazine for executioners. Suckotash: A dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu. Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate) Karmageddon: it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Antifun gal: A prude. Vaseball: A game of catch played by children in the living room. Eunouch: The pain of castration. Hindkerchief: Really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham palace. Deifenestration: To throw all talk of God out the window. Hozone: The area around 14th street. Acme: A generic skin disease. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Hindprint: Indentation made by a couch potato. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Newtspaper: The Washington Times. Nazigator: An overbearing member of your carpool.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Once upon a time, In a land far away, A self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond. In a verdant meadow near her castle a frog hopped into the princess' lap and said " I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you however, and i will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am" " and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so." That night. As the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and asparagus cream sauce She chuckled to herself and thought.

"I Don't Fucking think so"

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2000

An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing sound and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking; "The Irishman must have tried to kiss Claudia and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia was thinking; "The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it".

And the Irishman was thinking; "This is great. The next time we go into a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again".

-- Anonymous, March 17, 2000

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's room mate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his room mate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the room mate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but, I assure you, Julie and I are just room mates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you? "John said "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," so he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now." Love, Mom.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about > their sons "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. > "So we decided to call him George." "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so we decided to call him Andrew." "My God that's amazing," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

A young trainee Catholic priest was doing his first confessions. He sat in the box with a list of penancesgiven to him by Father Earnest, the parish priest who was supervising his training.

His first customer came in. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned", he said, "I have stolen money from the till at work."

The young priest looked at his list of penances and finds "Stealing - 7 Hail Marys", so he issues the penance and his client departs.

Next up is a young housewife. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the milkman."

The young priest looks down his list but can't find this "sin" anywhere - he looks under "sex", "oral", "mouth" the lot but can't find an appropriate penance to issue. In desperation he opens the door on the confessional and shouts to those in the church, "What does Father Earnest usually give for a blow job?" The cleaner with mop and bucket tidying around the altar replies, "#12.50 if I take me teeth out."!!!!

-- Anonymous, March 25, 2000

Young Geordie was walking home carrying a setee and 2 chairs on his back. when he got home his Fatha clipped his ear and said, "What have I told you about accepting suits off strangers?"

-- Anonymous, March 26, 2000

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits? A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths? A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde"? A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. How can you tell a macho women? A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms? A. Better traction in the mud.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep? A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson? A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.

Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A. Marry it.

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance? A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen? A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.

Q. What do you call a Serbian prostitute? A. Sloberdown Mydickyoubitch.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?? A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead? A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. How is pubic hair like parsley? A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A. They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime? A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. How can you tell the porno star at the gas station? A. Just as the gas starts up the hose, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the gas all over the car.

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Q. Do you know how Australians practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What Do You Call Kids Born In Whorehouses? A. Brothel sprouts.

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2000

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke"... in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows -- maybe something good will happen.

If not... tough shit.

-- Anonymous, March 30, 2000

> > Posh Spice decided to help to benefit the community and began a job as a > > primary school counselor. > > One day during breaktime she noticed a boy standing by himself on the > side > > of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football > > at the other end. > > Knowing a little bit about football through her marriage she decided to > > have a conversation with him so she approached and asked if he was > > alright, in the knowledge that if he wasn't she could talk to him about > > the game. The boy said he was OK. A little while later, however, she > noticed the boy was in the same spot, > > still by himself, watching the game. Approaching again, Victoria said, > 'Would you like me to be your friend?' > > The boy hesitated, then said, 'Okay', looking at the woman > suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, She > > then asked, 'Why are you standing here alone? > > 'Because,' the little boy said with great exasperation, 'I'm the > f***ing goalkeeper - now p**s off.' >

---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------

-- Anonymous, March 31, 2000

Headache

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?" Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." replied the salesman. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!". The salesman eyed Joe then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." came the familiar reply. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?". Joe was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a-half?" Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." said the salesman again. Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Joe laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Q) What did the fish say when it swam in to a brick wall??

A) Dam!

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

A LOAD OF BULL....

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it.

The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable' ?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow. ____________________________________________________

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

THE BIRDY SONG
Three mates talking. One says 'If your wife was a bird, which would it be ?'
#1 'Mine would be a robin, cos she's got beautiful breasts'
#2 'Mine would be a heron cos she's got beautiful long legs
#3 'Mine would have to be a thrush cos she's an irritating c**t'

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?" Jessica responds: "That's disgusting! I don't have to answer that question!" So the teacher asks little Johnny, who responds: "That's easy...the pupil of the eye." "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!" And turning to Jessica, she says: "I've three things to say to you, young lady... first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to make some calls. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.The first man told the others,"My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes convertible,fully loaded." The third man bragged,"My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes. The first man said, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2000

News like this doesn'y usually register, but this brought the tears to my legs.

There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song Hokey Kokey, died last week at 83.

The most traumatic part for the family was getting him in the coffin.

They put his left leg in........and it was downhill all from then on.

-- Anonymous, October 20, 2000

IDIOTS IN SERVICE: This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectectually-challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "down sizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

-- Anonymous, October 20, 2000

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: ----------------------------------------------- Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $5.00 ----------------------------------------------- Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes" she purrs "I am." The man replies "Well wash your f...ing hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

-- Anonymous, October 21, 2000

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.

This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?"

The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way. The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was ok too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck ..... and the farmer shot him.

-- Anonymous, October 21, 2000