Why do these things always happen in America?

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Alien invasion - bit of a grey area
Friday 3 March 2000

Now you know I love a good conspiracy theory and, as far as I'm concerned, you can't go past the classics. My all time favorite theory in the parallel universe of conspiratology, is that John F. Kennedy was assassinated by aliens. Wait! Don't turn the page with that smirk on your face!

Let me explain.

The theory runs something like this: way back in the 1940s, an alien race known as the Grey's established contact with the American Government (who else?) and landed at an air-force base somewhere in the American desert to talk face to face with the president. The Grey's are your classic short, big-eyed, V-shaped-head-with-the-pointy-chin aliens as seen on the cover of Whitley Streiber's Communion and allegedly responsible for all the abductions, cattle mutilations and nasty anal probes. The president at the time was Harry S. Truman according to my sources (namely a dog-eared book from a second-hand shop).

And what happened at this meeting? They signed a treaty.

A treaty where basically the Americans agreed to turn a blind eye to all the abductions the aliens were carrying out, in exchange for some of their superior alien technology. And that's the real story of how America got velcro and the stealth bomber! Yes, they've had the technology for years! They just kept it under wraps till the 1980s so people wouldn't be suspicious. Held it back till it was plausible in the real world. The bastards!

So the treaty was signed, the technology gained and everyone went happily about their business. But then in 1960, Kennedy was elected president and when he took office he was eventually briefed on the alien treaty.

And he was outraged.

Couldn't believe that previous governments turned a blind eye to the abduction of United States citizens and demanded that the treaty be revoked.

So obviously, he had to die. And when you think about it, that would explain why one bullet could magically do all that damage, and pondering further, don't you think that Lee Harvey Oswald had suspiciously large eyes and a pointy chin?

Ah, I hear the pennies dropping.

It all fits, doesn't it?

And, while we're talking about big eyes and pointy chins, I'm taking it upon myself to update the theory, by asking the quest-ion, just where have the Chesty Bond, John Tesh big chins disap-peared to? You don't seem to see many of them anymore. Roger Ramjet and his big-chinned chums are no longer the models of manliness. It's pointy chins and big eyes all round now. Look at the models, look at the magazines, they're everywhere. And it's not just the blokes.

This was brought home to me last week while I was watching the Grammy awards. All I'm saying is, check out Mariah Carey and Celine Dion. Those great big Disney Bambi eyes, those disappearing little V-shaped chins. Even Britney and our own dear Kylie are showing signs.

This is what's happening . . . they're alien hybrids I tells ya! They're gradually modifying the human face, slowly slowly so that eventually a Grey could walk down the street and we wouldn't even notice! We're being prepared for invasion. Invasion by stealth no less, which is sooo ironic don't you think?

OK, I'll calm down. I know there are a few flaws in my theory, but damn it's fun. The major flaw of course is, why do these things always happen in America? Why would aliens pick America? Who made them the boss of the world? And the answer is the same as always, the Americans made themselves not only boss of the world, but centre of the universe.

For instance, the Mormons allegedly (must be careful) believe that the Garden of Eden was nowhere near the Middle East, but actually in Jackson County, Missouri, and that He spent the three days in between His Crucifixion and Resurrection, in America. Preaching. As you would.

I must go now, I sense the Watchers rumbling into action.

In the meantime, beware of the alien hybrid music, it could be grinding your brain to mush in preparation for invasion. And keep watching the eyes! Keep watching the eyes!


Good question. Why does it all happen in America? Why would alien prefer you Yankees? What's wrong with the rest of the joint, eh?

Just pondering Down Under

-- Pieter (zaadz@icisp.net.au), March 07, 2000



It's because the Aussie's are too busy driving wild ferrets arouund the outback to take their eyes of their LAPS!!!!

-- Squirrel Hunter (nuts@upina.cellrelaytower), March 07, 2000.

Hollywood, Pieter...Hollywood. No alien with a prefrontal lobe of appropriate measure would THINK of landing in a country that produced movies of the level produced in countries like Australia or New Zealand. Did E.T. find Elliot down under? Did Starman find Jenny Hayden down under?

-- Anita (notgiving@anymore.thingee), March 07, 2000.


My big problem with the "aliens team up with the U.S. Government" theory (which is espoused by some people who AREN'T joking) is WHY would these aliens that can cross interstellar space need OUR government for anything?

Also, if you really want to get the nuts out to support your theory, you have to add in some involvement by the phone company.

No need to reply, we're listening through your modem right now,

Frank et.al.

-- Someone (ChimingIn@twocents.cam), March 07, 2000.

It's the lights, haven't you seen the USA from space lit up like a candle. This come here, come here, just like any billboard.

-- ET (bneville@zebra.net), March 08, 2000.

Hey, blokes and sheilas, be careful of this guy Pieter Zaadz. I've been in extensive email correspondence with him lately, so much so that I'm beginning to talk OZ. He even sent me a jpg of a centerfold. If I can figure out the HTML I'll post it. Talk about nakid wimmin! I think we should ban the bloke -- he's contributes buggerall that's serious anyways.

G'doiy, I mean G'noit,

Billy bold

-- William J. Schenker, MD (wjs@linkfast.net), March 08, 2000.

Hey....this is the land of Jerry Springer.

Believe it!

-- cin (cinlooo@aol.com), March 08, 2000.

At the behest of William MD Esquire find centrefold picture;


Regards from OZ

-- Pieter (zaadz@icisp.net.au), March 08, 2000.

its easy to debunk "little green men" theories, but on the other hand it is ludicrous to state that we are the only semi-intelligent beings in the universe

they picked on the US because you have the most semi-intelligent examples of humanity

-- sir richard (richard.dale@unum.,co.uk), March 08, 2000.

-- sir richard, you said,

"but on the other hand it is ludicrous to state that we are the only semi-intelligent beings in the universe"

Why is it ludicrous? Personally, I don't have strong feelings one way or the other, but I haven't seen any PROOF of extra-terrestrial life, so I wouldn't be too quick to laugh at anyone who believes we're it.


-- Someone (ChimingIn@twocents.cam), March 08, 2000.

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