Hola Manuel,

Eets been a leetle while since I write so I got lots to tell you. It gonna take a while so I break eet up and send a leetle at a tempo. Well here go.

El Duncan ees a bit calma now. Hee steel no speek to me but hee stop picking me up by thee feet an bouncing my head off thee floor. I think he gonna be OK soon. Nolberto had hees Paella party last Tuesday cos we have the day off training next day. He invite me an Shay an El Bartinho an Dabs an Kets an Marcelino an El Duncan. El Duncan said he could no make eet cos he has some funerals to go to but that OK cos Kev turn up anyway. (He theenks Paella ees another kind of Tequilla.) Well we get to hees pad about 7 an let me tell you eets quite a place hee got there. Eets right on thee beech an about thee same size as thee pottin shed eets Gigantico! He has made all thee furniture weeth bits hee has found on thee beach. Eets reely cool.

Anyway hee has thees big Oil Drum on a fire on thee beach outside hees pad an eets cookin away. He has been doon the offy an got el vino, so we can all have a drink. Kev has brought hees own anyway which is why he come pushing a Tesco trolley. Hee say Anyoyubuggas touch this an yizll be wearinyer nutsfora bowtie. I theenk ees a traditional Scotch greeting.

I get thee chance to speak Espaniol at last. Eets no allowed een training cos Mr El Robbo say we must all speek Eengleesh, which is hard for El Duncan an Kev an Mr El Shearer an Calamity Howie. Een fact when I theenk about eet I don theenk anyone in thee squad has Eengleesh as a first languish. I ask Nolly about the house an hee say Mr El Shearer ees renting eet to heem. Eet costs #1000 a week, wheech ees a fortune een Peru and Paraguaya but ees peanuts here. That Mr El Shearer ees a reely nice man. Thee house ees only 100 metres away form thee toilets too! I Steel have to dig a hole round thee back of thee pottin shed. I theenk Nobby ees a really lucky sonofa beech!

Soon the Paella she ees ready an Noggy pass around these leetle buckets and spoons he has found. El Bartinho ask heem where he buy the seafood an Nobby say he no buy eet, hee pick eet all heemself from the rocks. That was when El Bartinho suddenly remember he has left thee bath running and has to go home pronto. Shay go weeth heem in case hee need help weeth thee flood. Everyone else staycos we cant wait to taste thee Paella. Senor Marcellino say he never see eet that colour een Espania. He say eet yellow there, no green. Noddy say that ees because thees ees Peruvian Paella wheech ees differen. Kev say it dont bloody look much like an eel pie an woulden touch hees unteel Nobby let heem put a bottle of Wheesky een eet, but then he say eet OK. We all pull up a log around thee fire and we get stuck een. Now I no have a lot of seafood before. Paraguaya ees 600 KM from thee sea, but still there no much I no eat. Don' tell Novvy, but thees taste like kaka. I mean eet was reely sheet! I donno, everyone else is eating away (except Kev who was using a straw). Kets say eet remind heem of home on thee Black Sea. Dabs say he shoodn cook good seafood but it steel OK. Senor Marcelino ask him where he get thee nice raisins. Nonny say he pick them from round thee training ground so Marcelino say he gonna get some for heemself. Eets a good job eet was dark so I dig a leetle hole een thee sand weeth my foot and slip thee paella into eet when no-one looking. Anyway I just sip thee wine and enjoy thee rain til everyone feeneesh. Then we go inside to dry off and dreenk a leetle more. Kev had a lot of problemo getting thee trolley through thee door, but no way he gonna leave eet outside. The pad is reely nice inside. Nozzy sleep in a hammock he find on thee rocks. I ask heem eef he no prefer a bed, but hee say not when thee tide ees een. You know he have one of the greatest rubber collections een the world. He collect them every morning from thee beech before training. He say he only need Iran and he have one from every country een thee hole world. He even got a special wall for ticklers! An he has a one of them big drums of wire he use as a table and some leetle oil drums he use as chairs. He got eet made mano. I cant see heem going to Real Madrid an leavin all thees behind. No way Hose!

Anyway we have great night an thee trolley comes in handy cos I use thees to push Kev home. That night I was seeker than Nippa when he bite El Duncan. I din know which end to put down thee hole. I gonna stick to Mr El Shearers bread and feesh from now on. At leest I know where they been!

I write again very soon an tell you about Kev and hees Injury an trainin an loads of other thingys.

Adios Amigo

Duggo

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2000

Answers

Hello Dayglo. So this is where you have got to. I couldn't find anybody for a long time. Be careful what you are doing at Pamela's parties on the beach. I saw a lot of Pamela on the beach when I was surfing to find this place and I don't want you getting into trouble. Let me know if you want to play on Saturday.

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2000

Wotcher Manuel amigo, eets me again!

Well I promees to tell you what else happen in thee toon so here I am going.

After Nobbys paella party I have thee day off so I decide to explore thee garden of Senor Mr El Shearer (he a reely nice man) an you no gonna beleeve what I find. There ees another house around thee corner from thee potting shed an eet is all made out of glass! I go inside an no one ees there an I think thees weel be a reely good place to grow some of thee plants Mr X give me. Eet is also a good place for my pet anaconda Huggy to live cos eet ees very warm, an he no like thee cold een thee toon. So I use thee big cups Mr El Shearer leeve me an I pot my leetle plants. An I move Huggy into thee glass house too. He ees very happy there under thee bench where eet ees nice an warm.

In thee afternoon Kev come around to see me, pushing his trolley, which ees empty. He say he has just come around, an I say I know thees an he say no he has just come around an I say yes I know thees and he say.. Anyway he come in and he ask me eef I have any hairy dog. I say I no even have a chihuahua, but he say yer suupid wee foorner I mean have yer got any o that Paraquat left aroond here. I say no an he say he need a bloody dreenk. I say no problemo, he can use my feeshy pool , but that ees no what he want. He ees in need of the Tequilla! I say I no have any but he no beleev me an he go off round thee garden looking forra dram  whatever thees ees.

Well he go into thee glass house and he see my plants an he ask me what the one weeth the leetle berries ees. You know Manuel, the one the elders geev us when we are becoming a mano, to help us find thee animalo een us? Well I tell heem eet ees not safe for heem to take thees cos he ees no from Paraguaya but he no leesen. He say If youz puffs can tek it then its no gonna hae any affect on Kevvy Boy. Gissa go and he grab a handful of berries an he eat them all up. Well I am een a big paneec. No one ever have more than one berry before an I think he eat maybe 10 or 12. An he walk out of the glass house an fall over backwards an he jus lie there for bout two minutes weeth hees hands and feet een the air. I theenk he ees mueta. But then hees eyes open, he jump up an rip off hees clothes an he shout Amma Haggis, Amma Haggis! an he start running aroun an aroun thee garden like El Speedy Gonzales een a hurricano. He keep running eento trees but he jus bounce back an turn aroun an start runnin some more. He OK cos he heet them weeth hees head. Then he run through the feesh y pool and up thee side of thee pottin shed and straight down thee other side. I tell you mano, eef hee run like thees on thee pitch we never gonna lose another game ever! Well thees go on for about feefteen minutos then he run eento thee glass house an he start jumping up and down saying Whaddya think o these love apples?

Well, huggy ees a nice friendly anaconda as you know, but you don wanna wake heem up by bouncing your testicalos een hees face jus below thee bench. He take Kevs love apples an he Sqeeeeezzzzeee an Sqeeeeeezzzzzeee, real hard. Now Kev, he scream like a parakeet weeth hees tail on fuega An then he turn blue een the face. I grag Huggy (well thee second time) and I have to heet heem again and again weeth thee rake I find een thee corner. After a while Huggy geev up an he go off in a huff under the bench. I have to take Kev to thee feeshy pool and leave heem to lie een there for a while till hees colour come back to hees normal pasty blanco weeth thee red nose. Eets a good job hee breeng hees trolley weeth heem cos I have to push heem home again een eet! First I cover heem weeth a blanket cor there ees no way he ees gonna get hees troosers back on for a while.

So now Kev has found hees inner aminalo, an Huggy has found hees outer testicalo!

Well thee next day Kev come into training een hees kilt! An he tell Senor El Robbo he has a bad thigh strain! Mr El Robbo send heem to see the Physiothingamybobby an we all hear Kev shouting Dont rub the bliddy things  Coont them!

So now eet look like I might get a game tomorrow. That ees eef my friend Kieron ees not over thee flu (I tole Noddy not to give heem thee left-over paella after training). But thee good news ees that Kev ees nearly back to normalo  whetever that ees for heem. I few days ago I hear heem ask thee doctor eef he can take away thee pain but leeve thee swelling!

Well I write again soon. Cross your feengers for me for Manyana.

Your very good marra

Dungo

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Help me please. I think I must have drunk some of Diego's paraquat. It's brought tears to my eyes - especially the bit about the swollen testicalo. It reminded me so much of a meal I had in Israel. Not very tasty but lots of it.

Keep 'em coming Diego. Good luck the morra. Let me know the line up so I can score 11 in the teampick comp.

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Publish this and you too may get a potting shed a to your self.

Diego, you tell a fine storey....nearly wet mesel'

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

Pet anaconda named Huggy?! Brilliant!! I don't know what's in that tequila you've got, but you just keep right on drinking it.

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000