Not the best joke in the world but its a start:

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish "I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man". Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless,gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having my bollocks chopped off now, don't you?"

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2000

Answers

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermet Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?" So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2000

A bloke's taking part in a fishing competition. The judge looks at his bait and notices he's using Bertie Bassett's finest as opposed to conventional flies or maggots.

"caught anything with that mate?"

"Aye, allsorts!"

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2000

Two Italian fellers get on a bus and become engaged ina very animated conversation. The little old lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine." retorted the lady. "Show some respect, in England we do not talk about our sex lives in a public place" "Hey, coola down lady, who'sa talkin' abouta sex? says Guiseppe. I'm a justa tellin' my friend how to spella 'Mississippi'."

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2000

One snowy christmas Mr Miserguts hears singing at his front door "Good king etc etc". On Opening at the door he still hears the singing "on the feast of" but cant see a soul. At last he looks down and see's three little snails all dressed in santa costumes with little hats on and one with a stick with a lantern on top of it. "Penny for the Carol singers " the snail with the lantern squeeks. With that Mr. Missergguts picks up the three snail and with all his might hurls them toward the bottom of the garden.

Months later Easter arrives and whilst watching songs of praise on the tele, Mr. miseryguts hears a knock at the door when he gets there he sees nobody, but a little voice below him shouts "Hey" he looks down at the snail and the snail says "Wot yer do that for "

Sorry

KennyBoy ________

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2000

Lets see if this one can get past the Duncan-ometer:

There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.

There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So................

They buried her.

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2000

A man is at the stadium of sh*te watching a sunderland match. The crowd is silent as the red & whites are two goals down. Nial Quinn then pulls a goal back as the ball bounces of his arse into the net. The man notices a dog in the crowd jump up and perform a somersault. In the fifth minute of injury time a freak gust of wind diverts gray's misshit cross in to the top corner to snatch a draw for the mackems. The dog is now performing backward double somersaults with triple twists. The spectator is amazed at the dog's antics and asks it's owner "what the hell does the dog do when we win" The owner replied "I don't know, I got him for Christmas"

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2000

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while, The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up me arse"

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2000

KEEGANBALLS

> "They're the second best team in the world, and there's no > higher praise than that," said - who else? - Kevin Keegan when > asked to comment on Argentina's qualities last week. > > All of which reminded us of 15 other fantastic Keegan quotes > that we feel the need to share with you: > (1) "England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans > are second-to-none." > (2) "It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket - every time > there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card." > (3) "I don't think there's anyone bigger or smaller than > Maradona." > (4) "England can end the millennium as it started - as the > greatest football nation in the world." > (5) "You can't do better than go away from home and get a draw." > (6) "He's using his strength and that is his strength, his > strength." > (7) "Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had > no choice." > (8) "The tide is very much in our court now." > (9) "Chile have three options - they could win or they could > lose." > (10) "I came to Nantes two-years-ago and it's much the same > today, except that it's totally different." > (11) "I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where > the corner is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must > control the bandwagon." > (12) "In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg." > (13) "The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the > next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful." > (14) "It's understandable that people are keeping one eye on the > pot and another up the chimney." > (15) "I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool > dressing room at half-time." >

-- Anonymous, March 08, 2000

There is a powerful emperor who needs a new head Samurai, so he puts the word out. A year passes and on the same day, three people showed up to apply for the position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to demonstrate his abilities. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a little fly. He flicks his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in two pieces.

The emperor exclaims, "That is very impressive!"

He then asks the Chinese Samurai to demonstrate his abilities. So this second Samurai also opens a match box, releasing a fly. He flicks his sword twice, and the fly drops dead on the ground, in four pieces.

"Amazing!" exclaims the emperor, turning to the Jewish Samurai. "And what can YOU do?"

The Jewish Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. He flashes his sword in an intricate flourish, filling the room with a wooshing wind from the speed of his blade. Then he puts down the blade, but the fly is still buzzing around!

The emperor, disappointed, asks: "After all that fuss, why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiles and says: "Circumcision is not intended to kill, Em

-- Anonymous, March 10, 2000

-Save the whales. Collect the whole set. -A day without sunshine is like, well, night. -On the other hand, you have different fingers. -Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. -I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. -Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. -Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. -You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. -Honk if you love peace and quiet. -Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? -Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. -Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. -He who laughs last, thinks slowest. -Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it and "stutter" with "t's"? -How come abbreviated is such a long word? -Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? -Why are they called "buildings," when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called "builts"? -Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? -Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk? -Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? -Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? -If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? -Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? -Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? -Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? -How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? -Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? -What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? -If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? -Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? -If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? -Isn't the best way to save face, to keep the lower part shut? -War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. -Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

-- Anonymous, March 16, 2000

And why when you open a tin of evaporated milk is it still there?

-- Anonymous, March 16, 2000

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2000