Are you a giver? Are you one of those good people who shows up with casseroles when the new baby comes? Do you take your grandmother to the doctor, babysit for overworked parents, or show up on moving day to help out?

Is there someone in your life who does that for you? Who is your angel of mercy?

Do you have trouble asking for help when you need it, or accepting it once it's offered? And do you have the same problem when someone else needs help but you don't know how to make the offer?

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

Answers

Often in the past, I've been a giver.

At college, I was viewed as being very maternal: I'd baby friends who were ill, bringing tea and chicken soup, books and stuffed animals to cheer them up.

When various crises hit our small group, I could always be counted on to drag my behind out of bed to lend a shoulder to cry on, a hanky to sniffle into and words of oh-so-sage twenty-year old advice.

Once I even spent several hours out in a snowbank with a friend who was dealing with some old traumas, until a moment of epiphany arrived.

I also had a number of giver friends and on average there was a good balance of give and take for me while I was in school.

Since I've been in the Real World, things have gotten a bit more complicated. I've lost immediate touch with a lot of my friends. Most of us do not live in the same area of the country and those who do are often as busy as I am.

For a long time, I tried to keep in touch with everyone -- to be the motivator so to speak. But after a while of mostly unreciprocated effort, I've gotten tired and am not trying as hard, hence a lot of relationships have lapsed.

Recently, I've had two angels of mercy: Sabs' Mom and appropriately enough, our friend Angel.

When we were ill in December, Angel came over and drove me to the grocery store. When my ATM card bounced because of the daily transaction limit, she lent me the money to pay for the food and then drove me home.

A few days later, Sabs' Mom came down, when we were both so ill that we couldn't move out of bed. She took us to the doctor. She made soup. She got our medecine. She cleaned the house from top to bottom. She took Sabs to the ER again when he had another asthma attack and couldn't breathe.

There is no way we would have gotten by without her. She gave up her New Years' plans to come help us out and I'm grateful for it, though I did have a little bit of trouble accepting it, if only because I might hear about it later.

Help freely given is a blessing, help given and held as a grudge can be a burden for both parties involved.

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

Somehow it doesn't surprise me that you're a giver, Beth. It shows.

One thing I meant to say but forgot: often you'll hear people say of people who are givers, "You know, there's no such thing as altruism ... they just get off on helping people. They do it so they can feel good about themselves."

And I always want to respond, "So what? What do you do to feel good about yourself -- get your legs waxed?"

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

If I cut my hand off with a skill saw, I would prefer to drive myself to the ER. It is very strange indeed. I do not know which parent taught me this, but I do not like to ask for help in general. If I am working on a project in the shop I like to work alone, even though when my wife comes out to help she is an asset. Very strange indeed.

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

I have this imaginary view of myself as a giving person, but somehow I can't place exactly who I've given anything to, in the last few years (I know that's a dangling preposition -- I don't care). As for asking for help, I see myself as self-sufficient but I can call up a bunch of times people have stepped in to help me lately, at my request. This moment of introspection has made me understand a little better exactly why it is that I deserve to go to Hell. Thanks for the clarity, Beth,

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

I'm not a giving person. I have little trouble asking for help or accepting it.

My mother told me my whole childhood how selfish I am, and it's true. I sort of accept it, but have period spasms of guilt and resolve to better.

Actually, with boyfriends, I'm okay. I happily make food, provide entertainment, give rides. Only, of course, I always seem to hook up with guys who are total givers who have a hard time admitting they need a little help once in a while. The man in my life was a small boy when his mother had a stroke and became incapacitated, and he and his sister took over all the housework and cooking for the family. To this day he is the person who notices things that need to be done and does them. He's always doing dishes and putting folding chairs away at parties. At weddings, he's the one who gets his truck and helps transport the wedding presents. I'm going "C'mon, somebody else will do that! Let's dance!"

I feel for you and Jeremy - I had foot surgery in November and had to be on crutches for 2 weeks, but at least I could bend my knee and our bathroom is reasonable to use once you hobble to it. Plus, Vicodin is pretty good for pain but had nasty psycho side effects for me - weird dreams, inability to concentrate. I thought I'd get a lot of reading done during my convalescence but I couldn't read books, just magazine articles.

I'm thinking of you both...

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

I'm not as much a giver as I should be, but of the two, that's the way I tend. I'm lousy at accepting help, though, even when I'm ill--- the first fight between Barb and I occurred when I had bronchitis, a few months after our honeymoon, and I wouldn't usse the hairdryer to dry my hair. I kept on saying "No thank you," even though she was right, I shouldn't have a chill when I'm sick. I kept on refusing and refusing---the next thing I knew, she was throwing things at me.

Al of NOVA NOTES.

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

Heh. Poor Barb. Jeremy is sometimes like that, Al, and I understand the sentiment of wanting to throw things at him!

He's been really great since the surgery, though. The few times he's gotten edgy with me, he has immediately apologized and thanked me for my help. He hasn't been shy about asking for help, but on the other hand he does as much as he can -- like he won't let me help him get to the bathroom.

As for hell, Tom, I'll be right there with you to hold your hand.

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

I can be very helpful, depending on who's doing the asking, but I don't pat myself on the back for it much.

I figure it's so easy to help people we know and like and are connexted to in some tangible way. It's much harder to help total strangers in any kind of direct way. Which is why the streets are littered with people who need so much help.

Now if I could get past my aversion to helping more people on the street more directly, I might think I'd done something unusually good, rather than just garden-variety good.

As for asking for help, same difference really - it's pretty easy to ask people I know and and like and who I know and like (or love) me for help, but I'd have trouble asking total strangers for help.

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

I don't have a single problem offering help, when something isn't going right, my first instinct is to try to make it better. I even ask specific questions. Do you want to talk? Do you want a hug? Do you need me to run to the store for you? Do you want me to make you something to eat? Do you need a cool rag for your eyes? Can I get your mail for you? Is there anyone you want me to call? I probably get terribly annoying, now that I think about it. I usually ask "Do you want me to leave you alone now," too, though, so hopefully if I were bugging them, they'd say so.

But getting help? Asking for help? Even letting on that I need help? Forget it. I feel like that makes me a weak person, even when, intellectually, I know it just makes me someone who needs help. It's this strange current of shame that jitters through me- like I had to have done something wrong to end up in a position to need help. I never think those things about the people I help, I have -no- idea why I think those things about myself.

I don't really have an angel of mercy, but I do have people that I know I can turn to, if it ever gets so bad, I can't fix it myself. And, actually. . . that helps. :)

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

I know some people have the opposite problem that you have, Judy -- they can help a total stranger on the street, but they don't think to offer help to a family member or friend who's in need. I'm not sure why that is.

And then you have people like my dad, who brings home homeless people and gives them jobs, and adopts cancer patients and widows and unhappy teenage relatives. Yes, he probably does it so he can feel like a big magnanimous guy who helps everyone out, but I don't think that matters to the people who got helped. And it doesn't excuse the fact that he spent most of his convalescence on his own. (See, Tom? I really will be meeting you in hell.)

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

I don't think it matter to those people either, and it's great that your dad is such a good guy and doesn't have the aversion that so many of us (me included) seem to have - the world could use more good guys like him, that's for sure!

And I do think some people are more altruistic than others - that they really do help people just because they see a need and they are able to help, whether it's financially, emotionally, physically, or whatever.

Not everyone is trying to feel better about themselves, or hung up on feeling guilty if they don't do whatever they think they "should" be doing, etc.

I mean, some people really are able, more often than not, to just 'do the right thing' in terms of helpfulness without all kinds neurotic stuff attached to it from either direction.

But you're right, some people find it easier to help or be helped by strangers, and some people find the reverse easier. Either way, it's just all preferences and aversions, and the guilt vs. pride aspects are things we add (or things we've been conditioned to feel, one way or the other).

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

I'm quite happy to give, but it's a bitch when it's thrown back in your face.

My mother just had hip replacement surgery (her second) and I'm going to be taking 5 days of vacation time to take care of her. (Note, everyone, that I'm living at home right now.) Unfortunately, due to my insane work schedule, (I do web and print production and I've got deadlines up my ass) I can only be home on alternate days. So next week, I'll be home Monday, at work Tuesday, home Wednesday, and so on. I'll also be working from home, as there's so much to do.

The kicker is that, for whatever reason, my mother doesn't quite understand how busy I am, even though I've tried to explain it to her in a reasonable manner. In fact, I actually don't think she believes that I'm busy at *all,* for whatever reason. I told her before she had her surgery that this was the busiest time of year for me, and that while I could help, it wasn't going to be easy. None of this seems to matter.

I've dealt with snide remarks from her for the past week. Thursday's was the best -- I have my own office, here, and I called her at the rehab center to see what was up with her x-ray. And this is what I get -- out of nowhere, she says, "Well, I'm sure you can't be all that busy, Roe, because where you are is so quiet."

Pardon?!

"Um, Mom, I've got an office here -- if it *wasn't* quiet I wouldn't be on the phone with you." And promptly got off, and vented to Michael.

I'm sure she feels like a burden, even though we're trying not to make her feel that way. She doesn't like needing others to take care of her -- she totally resents it, in fact, and knowing that your care has to be scheduled in isn't really great, either.

But, I mean...I'm taking care of her. I am going to be doing this. Not only am I doing this, I'm doing it with my vacation time, which is at a premium, seeing as my friggin' wedding's seven months away. And I don't mind doing it, and I'm happy to do it -- but she's turning it into a *misery.*

I'm sorry I'm venting...this just really struck a chord.

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

Actually, I just reread the above and it sounds like I whine about my schedule. I *do* whine about my schedule -- :) -- but not in relation to taking care of my mother...

I want to take care of her, I just wish she would understand that I can't be with her for a week straight.

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

Major problem with accepting help, minor (but troublesome) problem with offering. The minor problem: I don't want to half-ass any offers I make (or put conditions on them) so I end up not making them at all, when I probably could have been somewhat helpful. The relevant example: I spent at least an hour pondering whether or not I should offer to walk Doc for you sometime. But then I thought of all the restrictions on my time (but no more than the average human's, really) and other bizarre issues (ie I've never spoken to you), and couldn't figure a way around those factors to actually get to the offer.

-- Anonymous, March 06, 2000

I like to think of myself as a giver, but in truth I'm a bit inept. I'll bring you juice when you're ill, but it's likely to upset your tummy even more. If your back is out, yes, I will visit, but probably do something to you while I'm there that puts you back a week or two in your recovery.

The worst I ever did (I think...) was when my mum was in hospital after a burst appendix. She was sore after the operation, and not hugely hungry, but I talked her into eating an orange. There were a couple on the side table and I thought she might like to choose the ripest. As I leant over her brandishing the fruit - yes - I dropped one on her belly. AAaaaaaargh.

It's meant kindly, though...

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2000