How cool are you?

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Are you way cool or just super cool? Are you mega cool?

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Answers

I'm so cool that other people freeze. :) I'll tell my "carolyn's bad ass self rides her motorcycle" cool story.

So, I'm so cool that I have a motorcycle. My bad ass motorcycle is parked sideways at the front of my bad ass parking spot. So one night, I'm like, "I'm cool, I'll ride my brand new bike around the parking lot and get used to it." So I move my bad ass Saturn, put on my helmet, turn on the bike....and then notice that the bike is perpendicular to the parking spot, since it's, y'know, parked sideways. So I turn off the bike, grab the handlebars, and pull the bike backwards. I turn the handlebars, and push the bike forwards. Pull. Push. Pull. Push. Thud. The front wheel went off the end of the concrete slab that is my parking spot, onto the grassy area below. I'm so cool that I can't leverage myself to pull it back up onto the concrete. I take off my helmet. I put the kickstand down. I march my bad ass self up to my apartment and beg my bad ass roommate (in her pyjamas) to come help me get the bike back up on the concrete.

Together, we manage to get the front wheel back up the 2" back onto the concrete. I start over. Pull. Turn handlebars. Push. Turn handlebars. Finally, my bad ass self has gotten my bad ass bike facing the correct direction, i.e., out of the parking space. I put on my helmet, I turn on my bike, and I'm off! at like 5 mph.

I'm such a bad ass that I don't even need to look at the geography of my parking lot before I ride my brand-new bike around it at night. I *know* which of the alleyways on the side I never go on leads to the side street, and which of the alleyways leads to a narrow dead-end parking strip. I'm so cool that I pick the narrow dead-end alleyway. It's narrow. My bad ass self cannot do a U-turn. My bad ass self gets off the bike. I turn off the bike. Pull. Turn the handlebars. Push. Turn the handlebars. Pull. Did I mention that this parking strip is so cool that it slants down towards the middle, to drain water? My bad ass self is more like Pulllllll...oh god don't tip over...turn handlebars. puushhhhhh...uuuughhhh...up the slope. Pulllll...oh god don't tip over...turn handlebars. Etc. My bad ass self finally gets the bike in the correct direction, i.e. pointing out of the dead-end alleyway, and my bad ass self thinks "fuck this!" and I go to put the bike back.

I now need to re-park my bad ass bike, sideways, at the front of my parking space. You know the drill. I turn off the bike. I get off the bike. Push. Turn the handlebars. Pull. Turn the handlebars. To my bad ass credit, the bike did not slip off the concrete slab this time. :)

Needless to say, my bike is now parked happily, sideways, at the front of my parking spot. There is no such thing as a bad ass "nice quick ride" on my bad ass bike. It is the most inconvienant and painful bad ass bike ever. I need to find a new place to park my bad ass bike. :P

So, yeah, I'm cool.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000


1999's coolest moment for me came in July.. my grandmother had spent the week in the hospital, and we knew she was dying, but just not sure when.. after a long week of stressful goodbyes, we said goodbye to her. It was Wednesday, and I was going to the viewing at the funeral home. Now, I'm a nurse, and I've seen lots of death, and dead bodies.. I'm not afraid of death, or corpses.. and I had had lots of time to say my goodbyes to my grandmother. Being me, being ultra-cool Nurse-Me.. I go in, and say hello to the gathering crowd, and being ultra-cool brave me I march up to the casket and look in at her, and scream "OH MY GOD SHE"S DEAD!!!" and start to cry hysterically. It's funny now, as i look back, and remember the startled looks on everyone's faces, not sure if i was kidding (how sad is that, that they actually had to wonder if i was being a retard or not) or how to handle my near hysteria. So, yes, I'm cool..

-- Anonymous, March 03, 2000

i'm so cool I.. oh bother. there's no sense being in denial. i'm not cool.

K.

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2000


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