Is it better being single or part of a couple? : LUSENET : like sands : One Thread

What do you think? If you're single, do you envy married people? If you're married, do you envy single people? Is the grass always greener on the other side, or are you happy with your relationship status?

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000


They say if you find happiness or contentment, it doesn't really matter. (Who are they?)

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

I've been single since I've been born. I'm 28 years old, and a virgin. I am remaining a virgin because I value my future wife enough to wait. The thing is - I don't think there are any females left in the 24-30 or so age range which is the age I should be dating. So, I will probably be single for the rest of my life. That means I will never experience sex. But then again, I've never kissed a girl either, never held hands, hug, nada. Yes, it's frustrating. I'm 5 ft 5 in tall so girls don't like me because I am short. I'm also not good looking either, and I'm also shy. But I am one of those "nice guys" that every girl "SAYS" they want to marry, when really what they want is the ultimate "bad boy" who will treat them like garbage, but give girls the "good wild time" that they need, and yet they think that these guys will miraculously morph into the model dad that will raise their 2.5 children with solid morals. Not. That is why there are so many divorces.

I still hope I will meet someone, but, I'm getting older every day. But wait... Didn't Michael Douglas marry K. Z. Jones who is about 20 years his junior? What's up with that?

But I'm also a Master's student who should be studying all the time, with no time for anything else, so I guess I will wait another year until I graduate, and then start shopping. But then I'll be 29. But then I will be working so hard that I won't have time for girls anyway.

Wow, a rant. It's way late. I'm lonely.

Comments? Chris

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Chris, I hope you realize that "girls" don't actually all like the same kind of guy, as you seemed to imply in your post! And if finding someone to date/marry is really important to you, you should MAKE time to do it. Your education and career are important, but I would argue that having a satisfying personal life is at least as important in your overall quality of life, wouldn't you?

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Society is structured around being in a couple. Try going alone to a restaurant, a film, a concert, a dinner, a party, or on a vacation... You're made to feel awkward and the clear implication is that you're a major loser. I'm solitary by nature, and when I go out anywhere by myself I suddenly realize that society truly doesn't like singles... I suspect girl humans are made to feel even more awkward if they go places alone... Society simply expects people past a certain age (very early 20s?) to be in a couple...

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Being single is better than being in a bad relationship. But being in a good relationship is the best. The problem of course is figuring out what relationships are going to be bad or good in the long run.

It's not the marriage I'm envious, I'm envious of any serious dating. The grass always seems greener...

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I've been married now for two and a half years. It's pretty good, but we certainly have our ups and downs. And of course, once you get married, you never get to have sex again. It's also amazing how being married has cut into my dating time. :)

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Of course, the single life is great, if you're like RICKY MARTIN! (or the latest version of therein)

I can appreciate the shallow life.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Yes. I guess that is true that you have to make time for things that are important. I do have a problem with finding friends in general though because I've always been shy. Ironically, however, I am not shy in "business" dealings which is how I've been able to survive. It seems like my life has been designed from day one to be alone. I don't know...

I agree with Lohr also that our society caters to couples only for the most part - barring bars and clubs which I do not go to because they are too loud. Going to dinner, the movies, etc, is frowned upon.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

for me it's an oscillation. i seem to be happiest at the point just before i stop being single and start being part of a couple.

the only people i really "envy" are solid, stable, normal, happy people, single or otherwise.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I'm married, but because of new jobs we were forced to live 1100 miles apart for the last 6 months of '99. Because we were married young, and have lived together since college, I thought it would be cool to see what the life of bachelorhood was like.

Lesson: compared to marriage, it sucks.

I got a dog.

It still sucked.

For me, having someone to share my life with is simply far more satisfying and interesting than living alone. Having someone who is with you on a daily basis, sharing experiences, joys, frustrations, jokes, and arguments complements me and makes me happy.

It may not be right for everyone, but it's right for me.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

What's up with this "No movies alone" thing?? movie seats don't come two by two. In fact, it can be easier to find a seat at a crowded show if you are by yourself. If I waited until someone else wanted to see the movie I wanted to see, I'd be seeing many fewer movies.

I'm happy in my current relationship, though I wish my sweetie didn't live an hour and a half away. I'd like to marry him, but we aren't quite at that stage yet.

Anita of Anita's BOD and Anita's LOL

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

This is a topic that I feel rather strongly about...but when I started to really think about it, I realized that I couldn't exactly decide which side of the fence I was on. It seems to be a series of trade-offs. I'm single right now; I'm not happy, but I still like being single. I know that if I were in a relationship with someone at the moment, I'd still be unhappy, but it would be worse because I would be expecting the other person to alleviate my unhappiness, and I would be angry if he didn't.

When I'm part of a couple, I stagnate. I grow fat and lazy, literally. I tend to neglect other parts of my life in order to spend time with my boyfriend. I put a lot of energy into "couple" things like sex and discussions/confrontations, and I ignore my own development and goals. I find myself compromising, and normally I hate compromise. But I've added a lot to my life by interacting with, and learning from, the men I've dated. Knowing and understanding someone else that deeply makes my life richer. Another person's different background, experiences, tastes, habits, and goals can influence and enrich my perception of the world.

On the other hand, when I'm single, if I'm not careful to counteract the tendency, I withdraw into myself. I stop interacting with all but a few very close friends. I'm not free to develop friendships with the opposite sex, because I see them, and they see me, as potential bedmates. So there's always some tension there. I never seem to be single when my other friends are, so I end up as a third wheel (or fifth or seventh) at our get-togethers. And of course, there's the loneliness and the lack of sex. Though I have a much higher threshhold of loneliness than most people; I have to be alone for quite a while before it really starts to bother me. And when alone, I think and reflect a lot. The only time I really grow as a separate personality, and really do any heavy-duty thinking and questioning, is when I'm single.

In summary, I think that singleness is better than couplehood for people my age. Particularly when it comes to marriage. NO ONE should get married before twenty-five, in my opinion. One of the saddest things I've ever seen is when people who are so young that they don't even know themselves yet, decide to pledge themselves for life to someone equally as unformed and immature as themselves. Such people often never develop much of an individual personality. How much can you bring to a relationship when you haven't lived yet? While I could imagine myself getting into a somewhat committed dating relationship within a year or two, I can't see myself getting married for a very long time, if ever. Marriage can be a wonderful thing, if it works. But when it doesn't work, it can fuck up your life like nothing else.

Sorry for the length of the post. I'm putting off homework.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I'm with you, Anita, I go to movies and restaurants by myself all the time. I always bring along something to read, though, so I don't feel self-conscious sitting there with nothing to do before the show, or while I eat. In fact, I think the only place I wouldn't feel comfortable going by myself is a bar.

And besides that, why do you have to be part of a couple to have someone to go to the movies with? What about platonic friends?

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

I agree with whoever said it doesn't matter, as long as you're happy. I'm in a relationship now, started after a nine-month bout of singleness. Which for me was a long time. I'm not bragging at all, I'm just stating facts. This is the first time in years that I've entered into a relationship clear-headed, and I really do think that the time I spent without one helped. It's all about balance.

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

If you are part of a couple and the relationship is good, then that is a wonderful situation and it is what I would prefer. However, if the relationship is not good, then it is much better to be single. I've been in (and out) of a number of relationships in my life and I am presently in my second marriage (we started dating just about twenty-three years ago so you can see that this one is working)... but I don't think that my times of being single were bad. (Believe me, the first one was a mistake, but it was an increasingly painful six and a half years before we ended it... and the process of ending it (even though we were escaping from a trap) was also painful.

I had been divorced about four years before I began dating Nancy. Those were (mostly) four good years. During that time I was in one serious relationship that lasted for several months before we realize that although we liked each other very much we were not really in love, so we split as a couple (but continued the friendship... and the sex)... I was in my early thirties, not in the best financial shape, but I was driving a nice Toyota Celica and had sufficient funds for reasonable dating expenses (no super fancy expensive restaurants)... Life was good. (If any of you are were on Amanda's Rainy Day Stories mailing list a couple weeks ago when she asked for stories from readers... the one about the clothing optional lake was mine *grin*) I dated. I also did things with friends... married couple friends as well as single people friends... movies, concerts, playes, sports car autocrosses and rallies, just hang out and drink coffee and talk, parties, picnics... whatever... and also enjoyed solitude... just sitting back and reading books. Please note that this was before the age of home computers, VCRs, etc. and we survived just fine. (I had a son from that first marriage and usually he spent most of the weekend with me and we would do lots of things together.) So I thought that being single was just fine.

When I met Nancy I asked her out as a casual date, but withing a few weeks we became a couple. After a period of several months when we were living about two hundred miles apart, she moved in with me and a year later we got married. I have been very happy to be part of a couple with her. I'm not saying that these past couple decades have been perfect -- I don't think there is such a thing as perfect in the real world -- we have had differences, even separated once for a few weeks, but we have been able to overcome all problems and are stiil very much in love, consider ourselves as best friends, truly enjoy being together and doing things together, but we also have our own interests and activities (I enjoy running and she has no interest; she enjoys tennis and I have no interest, etc.) So I think being a part of a couple can be marvelous. For me -- with Nancy -- it is what I want.

Sometimes I have to travel on business -- sometimes in the U.S. and sometimes to other countries. I love getting to visit art museums and to see various historic sites, etc., but I always wish that I could be seeing them with my family and I always miss Nancy and my kids. Being on the road is a lot like being single... what I dislike about it is being away from my family... but other than that, I meet friends (depending on where I) or go out with people from work, enjoy a meal and a beer or two with them... if I'm going to dinner alone, I just bring a book to read... I've gone to a plays by myself, gone to plays with friends, hiked by myself, hiked with a co-worker, visited art museums by myself... etc. In January I spent a week in Burlington, Mass. and one night I went out to dinner with other people from the course I was taking, one night I went to dinner with a friend (whom I had never met before, just knew via the Internet), the other nights I read (and wrote online journal entries), etc.

Singel or couple, enjoy what you have... life is too short to wallow in despair. Jim

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

Eye tipe an spel reel gud.

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

I think that as long as you are happy with what you are and who you are then everything else will fall into place. The age old idiom stands true that you only find love when you are not actively seeking it or willing it to be there.

I do not know exactly where I sit on this one since I am just now returning to the single scene. I am re-learning what it is like to be single and I am actually kind of diggin' it. I spent over a year trying to make someone happy only to find out when he left that I WAS NEVER HAPPY and that I had neglected the most important thing--myself. Do not get me wrong I love him still, the wound is only 4 months "fresh", but I have never felt more relieved than I do at this moment.

I think more than anything I miss the idea of being with someone. The idea of having that person that compliments me so well that I could not ask for anything more. The idea of the ultimate lover, friend, and source of support and understanding. However...I still think that I am better off single at least for a while...I agree that I do not want to hold someone responsable for making me happy or failing to aleviate my unhappiness.

The most important thing about the situation is that if you are going to be single, then BE SINGLE!!!!! Hold your head up and go to that movie or that bar, or that whatever you want to do, don't wait for someone to hold your hand and do it with you.

-- Anonymous, March 02, 2000

Being in a couple is definitely better. The main drawback of couplehood is compromise. But when you're single, if you can find anyone to have sex with you, you have to wear a condom. And that just hurts too much. I mean, how can anybody enjoy sex when it feels like their cock is in a vice?

-- Anonymous, March 02, 2000

Wow, the comment above was insightful. Not.

I'm single.

Friday night, I was riding home on the bus, and a young couple (teenagers) were in a loose embrace. The guy was skinny, with a checked t-shirt on, and he was standing, holding the handrail above his head. The girl was wearing a pink tank top, and had her head buried in the guy's chest, and arms wrapped around him. I thought it was sweet. I was actually happy for them, cause they looked pretty happy, and things seemed good.

One of the things I learned from previous relationships are that: being with someone is special. It's a great, very cool thing, and also very fragile. So when I see two people making it, I'm kinda cheering inside. It makes me happy--whether they are kids, or whether it's an old couple holding hands as they cross the street.

So no, I'm not jealous. Perhaps the question is worded poorly. Singleness is not worst or better than couplehood. It's a matter of dealing with where you are now, and being content with it, or not.

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2000

Movie seats do come as singles, but the point is-- you go to a film, a concert, a bar, and everyone else seems to be in couples. You have no one to discuss the film, the band, or anything with... You have to watch other people be romantic and have fun while you sit there.... If you're really keen to see the film, just wait til it's on video... Then you don't have the empty feeling of being the only one out without a date... Platonic friends? It's harder and harder to have *any* friends to go out with past a certain age-- the social assumption is that people are supposed to be in couples and that you're too old to just 'hang out' with friends... And what is the point of a Friday night film or club with platonic friends? Those are locales for romance...

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

Movie seats do come as singles, but the point is-- you go to a film, a concert, a bar, and everyone else seems to be in couples. You have no one to discuss the film, the band, or anything with... You have to watch other people be romantic and have fun while you sit there.... If you're really keen to see the film, just wait til it's on video... Then you don't have the empty feeling of being the only one out without a date... Platonic friends? It's harder and harder to have *any* friends to go out with past a certain age-- the social assumption is that people are supposed to be in couples and that you're too old to just 'hang out' with friends... And what is the point of a Friday night film or club with platonic friends? Those are locales for romance...

I won't argue that much of social adult society is geared toward couples.

But I'm in my late twenties, and I've got platonic friendships with a few women my age or older. I even took a trip to Spain last year with one of them. So I do believe Platonic friendships exist--at least I have some proof of that. I will also add, that Platonic friendships are most likely to occur between people who are content to be single.

-- Anonymous, March 24, 2000

Jennifer: I got your name, and this Site, from the October 1999 edition of THE ANVIL--A newsletter for clergy who have suffered abuse- -I retired from Willowdale UC, Toronto, in 1993, relatively unscathed. The Anvil reported that you gave a speech, "What I Have Learned", in the Unitarian Church of Vancouver. Oct. 24,1999.

Because I am the seventh child of a couple who married in 1905, my natural prejudice is to favour marriage. However, I respect people who choose the single life. One of my older brothers remained single to the end of his life. I conducted his funeral. He was 74.

I was born in 1930, on Bell Island, NF (It has a Page on the Web). Jean and I are the parents to two: Catherine, a daughter, born in 1956, and Turner, born in 1958. Catherine, an artist, lives with her artist husband, Wayne Adams, on a float house, near Tofino, on the west coast of Vancouver Island. They visited us, recently, and we have visited them, several times.

Turner is a musician and a teacher. He and Farah, a Sufi Muslim, live near us in Toronto. They are the parents of our three, half-Persian and beautiful grandchildren. Case closed, as to why I am prejudiced towards being coupled. I am an advocate of the HOLISTIC APPROACH--MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY. For details, check out , or send me an E-mail.

-- Anonymous, April 09, 2000

ah yes, her reputation in Canada is well documented.

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2000

Im stiil confused!

-- Anonymous, November 04, 2000

I think "married" people are the end result of a mission to rend and tear at the male mythos. Without fail a woman has found a weak man she can brainwash and dominate completely in order to prove ultimately both that she is superior to man, and that she has spited the rest of the male populus in a way that can never be revenged.

Women are temperamental, vicious, spiteful and full of a seething hatred for men who have order and wisdom beyond their own knowing. SO they seek to seduce and damage those who are already lost in this world.

Whether or not they know of their chaotic and malicious quest to crush and trample hearts is not irrelevant however. The intelligent woman who KNOWS her quest is the most dangerous, because she invariably takes pride in her destructive nature. Those who are the vacant, self-absorbed or worldly type and do not know or will not acknowledge their nature are merely pawns of their own design and fate.

Am I the end of the puzzle, or the beginning of it? Neither it seems, I am the peice that did not fit.

- Me

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

I envy both single and married people. Both seem to be able to find happiness. In short, yes, the grass IS greener. Humans want what they don't have as a general rule. We're all selfish to a point. We want the freedom to be ourselves that comes from singlehood, yet we also want the loving comfort of someone who cares about us and gives us our daily affection and lets us know we're cared for when we're feeling down. Basically, we want the ultimate fantasy dream. I've been single most all my life. I had one girlfriend, and I loved her dearly. When we broke up, it didn't hurt like I thought it would because I was happy that she'd found someone else that could give her what she wanted. I was only hurting because I couldn't find what she did. That was a little over a year ago, and in that time, I've still been single, not been on a date or anything, and it has its ups and downs. There's the wonderful feeling of knowing that when you do something, you accomplished it yourself, and it's your personal accomplishment. On the other hand, it's your own accomplishment, so you have no one to share it with. Therein lies the dilemma. Do you want to put up with the problems of having someone so that you can be with someone, or do you want to put up with the echoing loneliness that comes from always being that dateless person that your friends feel compelled to invite you to their parties out of sympathy for? I think being with someone is better, myself.

-- Anonymous, January 09, 2001

I thinkmy friend the live is very simpl and you can take it esy. No body can live with himself just lok for your father,mother and you will understand what the life mean.......

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2001

In a couple or single. Both can be either good or bad, but I think our society is built on and reinforces coupledom. I think that this is so ingrained in our society that there is no real way to make singleness an enjoyable state for a long time unless you have security in your aloneness and go beyond social norms. I agree with a previous comment that says it depends what mental space you are in. I met an 80 year old woman who was never married, but she was happy...why? She said, "I have experience many loves in my life and I did not find it necessary to be married, I have a had a full life and I am grateful for that."

-- Anonymous, May 26, 2001

I think i was fat 5 feet and shy in high school [worst combination] so bummer and when i went on to get a degree and now i am 24 , 6" 2' ,i work out everyday i am into a hitech job all looks great got my own place and everything but guess what i am single been in a relationship one of many and i have noticed this phobia towards being a couple increasing !! and fear of meeting women ---guys do any body feel this,i mean i go out and a relationship u think will work out and suddenly i panic and run .well that is my problem and being of asian origin does not help either !! so i have decided to be single and have a good time and feel i am better off now then in any realtionship.all i am saying is i an optimist well in a couple of yrs i will come back and post a change in view but let`s see

-- Anonymous, June 21, 2001

As long as you are happy, it doesn't matter. My grandma who died last year at 82 had been single ever since her husband ran away. Her husband was an alcoholic, and she married him when she was 13. She was poor and lived on a farm, and at that time women were obligated to get married early where she lived. My mom was 5 at that time. She raised her kids all by herself, underwent all those difficulties, and never got married again! She was also very religious, Catholic, and had many friends around her, and a family who loved her. She was happy, I think happier then when she was married.

I am 27, been married for almost 2 years, my husband and I have a great relationship, and I don't think we'll ever separate. I know people say it's too early to tell, but I think that, because we love each other so much, and if we have some tough problems in the future we will work them out together. I was also brought up in a religious environment (even though not nearly religious as my mom or my grandma!), and was taught that marriage is a commitment for life, so I consider him my partner for life. I am so happy to be married, to have someone to talk to when I come home, watch TV together, go out and travel and have fun together. I don't think I could ever be single again (not until death tear us apart). When I was single I was always sad and depressed, specially because it was hard to find a good friend, because I'm a shy person, and had not been in this country for too long (I'm brazilian, and moved to the US 3 years ago).

I know of a person who has never experienced a romance, he's of asian decent too - like posted above (indian), and finds it very hard to find somebody. People make fun or take advantage of him taking he's a social misfit. I think he lives a miserable life, not because he's single, but because he is very needy. Unfortunately, people have a lot of prejudice, and don't want to date somebody who's not according to society's standards of beauty and behavior. He also fears relationships, and says that most marriages end in divorce, so why get married anyway? People like that have never experienced a true love relationship, so they blame marriage instead of blaming themselves.

So for all the single people out there who are not happy, I don't think it should be all that difficult to find a partner. It's a matter of trying to find somebody who fits your preferrences (you will never find the perfect one, so find somebody who matches your top priorities). Also, it's easier to find somebody at the same level of education or culture as you. By doing this and experiencing relationships, you will eventually find the right person to share the rest of your life with! Also, positiviness, confidence and a good sense of humour really helps!

But if you are content with being single, I respect your decision. Just enjoy the life you got, because life is too short for wasting it with complaining and regrets!

-- Anonymous, September 06, 2001

Hey dude, I think you need to get out there and get a life. Being shy will get you nowhere and time is ticking!!! tick tick tick tick tick I dontknow If i actually beleive you pathetic story either No one could be thatlame! dont cry too hard buhbye

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2002

After my divorce I had no choice. I was married for 17 years. To shake this off was a dificult thing because you are used to the action that goes on within a relationship. The bounce so to speak. Well when then separation occured the bounce disappeared. I had to get used to that. That is precisely what a single person has to deal with. Lack of interaction within the household.This is where your friends come in. As I am now single it is ok because I am now used to being by myself. It took awhile but it is ok. I can do anything I want and when. You have to get used to being by yourself discovering your strengths and interests before you can hook up with someone new.It seems to me to be a couples world but there are lots of things you can do by yourself. You can think alot, sleep whenever you want,make anything for dinner, go dancing, karaoke, play golf, drive anywhere and don't have to get the ok from the other person.I don't see myself being alone for the rest of my life but I could be. I refuse to be isolated and mingle with other peaple as much as possible. If having a relationship is what you want then you are going to have to make yourself available to the people that are also looking for one. If you want it go and get it. Do the work. Stay single until you decide its time for a relationship.

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2002

What about if you've been widowed? I'd pretty well go along with what Don says vis-a-vis divorce, but at least with the latter there's always the possibility of reuniting, however remote; but when it's a hard fact that the other person isn't coming back - worse, at a time when you are just about to start enjoying what you'd spent years working for - how do you re-enter the world?

My not very good solution is fundamentally to carry on working - it takes my mind off what's happened and stops me from thinking morbidly. I can't even envisage the notion of "a new relationship" at present but am very awkward about socialising. The reason for this is that for years I commuted long-distance between work and home (a daily 112-mile round trip) and so didn't have a "social life" as such; not that I needed one - my wife WAS my life, all I wanted. But when that central lynchpin vanishes, you are left to fall back on your own meagre resources, and it's something about which I feel very ambivalent at present.

Of course the answer is to get out there and just do it, mix with people. My head knows that company is the best detox - it's just a question of convincing the gut part of the equation. I simply feel that it would be impossible for me to talk for more than 10 minutes to anyone about anything without slipping into talk about my bereavement - and if you go on about that long enough, people tend to get put off and walk away.

-- Anonymous, February 18, 2002

I just ended a long, complicated relationship with my (now) ex- boyfriend. That was a couple of months ago. And I had my first date in a while last night and it freaked me out. It made realize that I'm not ready to date right now, nor do I want to. Believe it or not, I'm happy being single at this point in my life (25 yo). I like it just being my kitten and me. You get to live life on your own terms, don't have anyone to answer to and can do whatever you want! All I want someday is a very good looking, tall (6"0-6'2"), VERY smart, funny, nice guy who's confident and educated. Is that too much to ask?

-- Anonymous, April 13, 2002

It's far better to be single. There's no way in hell that I'm getting married. I'm a 25-year-old male. Everyone says that the 25- 35 age group is when you should start dating and looking for a marriage partner, but screw that. I've seen too much misery as a result of marriage to even get involved with the opposite sex. Every day there's a new story in the news of a jealous lover who murdered their significant other, someone losing their kids to some horrible tragedy, or something else terribly depressing that could have been avoided had people not gotten together and procreated. Ask any psychologist, and he or she will tell you that the top three reasons for stress in the world stem from marriage. I'd rather die single than create more problems for the world.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2002

MARRIED LIFE: Well I have been married for 12 years. Married life you work harder and share eveything you have, and work harder to keep what you have. I remember when I was single we had fights such as dont touch my stereo, but now we can say ours, and don't have stupid fights any more. It seems sex is not important as much as it use to be, at least with my wife it's not. It is to me; some times I feel like cheating but I always end of mastburating; do that more now a days. Im not a big beliver in divorce, sex is not eveything but helps to relive stress big time. LOVE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT, WORK AT IT AND MAKE GOALS IN YOUR LIVES. SURREY BC CANADA

-- Anonymous, May 27, 2002

I've tried both and I think being single is the better life for me. A bad marriage is truly a living hell. I've come to believe that the state promotes marriage mainly for socio-political reasons, i.e., so children will have a stable homelife and can grow to replace dying members of the population. Otherwise, I don't know why the state should enforce (e.g., via alimony, division of property, etc.) a social contract freely entered into by two adults, who should just as easily be free to terminate the contract. I enjoy dating and have a serious relationship right now but I appreciate very much the fact that I have the right and power to end it whenever I feel like it (although I don't want to for now).

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2002

If you ask some psychologists, some will say love is a need. If you ask others, the supposed need for love is but a cognitive distortion people engage founded by a society that tells them their your self worth is determined by other's perceptions. Being single can be rewarding if it's a choice. If you can pick and choose who you go with and each one you seem to like. Then being single may be a voluntairly state only untill you can find someone you can connect with. I think that people, all people feel a drive to be connected to someone else and love and be loved by them. Being single is fine if you can satisfy this drive for intimacy. However, I for one have not found her. I do not think loneliness necessarily means you feel worthless. This is my war with people who say "Being Single is Ok as long as you love your self" As if the only reason we want to love someone and be loved by them is to feel good about ourselves. Love and loving is beautiful in and of itself. It feels good, not becasue we feel better about ourselves though this can be a side effect. It feels good, because it is natural and stimulating.Lonely people are told something like this. "It's ok to be alone, just not lonely. Have a high self esteem and it won't matter if you are with someone or not" Pure Shit! The drive for intimate connection continues to be frustrated. Obviously whether one wants love is a matter or preference. Most want to be connected, others, many male, only want Sex. This of course is their choice. It simply means they have never been deprived sexual closness and do not want anything more, becasue they are either unaware that anything more exists, or they honetly do not care. But what about peope like me who have been starved for intimacy of both romantic and sexual varieties. This is a real problem, not one that is in the minds of people. No one can truely be happy and fulfilled unless they can have intimacy in some form. We are physical creatures and being physical creatures have desires, biological desires for connection. The whole concept of being single is deplorable, in my opinion. It is a state that a person wants to without influence of society or otherwise fix in it's own right. Relationships are not fads, or the latest cool thing everyone is doing. People since the dawn of man have looked for romance, whether they knew it or not. In America and every other damn part of the globe. I'm sorry if this is long, but I had to rant. I just wish someone could just fix the damn problem already, find the solution so lonely people can be happy--and no one had better tell me to look for happiness within, becasue that is also horse crap. Thank you for your time

-- Anonymous, October 11, 2002

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