Are you good at flirting? : LUSENET : like sands : One Thread

And if so, can you give me any tips?

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000



But actually, making lots and lots of eye contact, and listening to the person with rapt attention seems to work well. And if I have nothing to say, I engage the person with lots of questions, which is an easy way to keep things rolling and also seems to denote a personal interest.

(this really only works once you have an opportunity for conversation -- from across the room it is not so effective.)

I say this knowing that in actuality, left to my own natural self, my attention will wander. So, it's a question of working at it, or being yourself.

(though flirting is far from my usual thoughts lately)

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

Nope. I do exactly the same thing. I have had many undesirables approach me, and at first I'm shocked but then I sort of realize that I WAS flirting and teasing, bringing the attention to myself. Disgusting.

Consolation? Maybe he does too. I mean, not the stupid-irresponsible flirting thing, just that maybe he gets shy around people he wants to express his interest in.

But damn! You had lunch with him! That's quite a start! And there's always The Beach.

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

oh yeah, and I should add, once you're totally focused on listening and making eye contact (you have excellent powers of concentration I assume) you won't have such a problem with feeling awkward/frozen because you'll forget yourself (as in, your own self-awareness).

Of course, aggresive flirting, is like finding a reason to show your thong (while you're wearing it) to the President like Monica did. (yeah, try that at the next lunch, heh)

Now how to make a relationship last. that's the hard part.

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

I used to be reasonably good at flirting... I'd pose by some young art-school or goth or Catholic schoolgirl type and look dark and brooding and wicked...and graze my glance up from their legs to their eyes... It worked fairly often: I was the evil older Tempter that they could use to experiment with, shock their parents and friends with, and do wicked things with... It even worked when was teaching-- being An Experience, a kind of theme park thrill ride for experimental coeds. It's all gone now, of course. I have zero idea how to flirt any more...

Law school girls are serious and conservative; any flirting is likely to be read as 'harassment'. Eye contact, clever remarks, asking them for drinks-- all forbidden.

I do blame talk shows and pop psychobabble for a lot of it. Girls are taught now that desire shows 'disrespect', that seduction isn't a fun adventure... The first kiss has become a major hurdle rather than an expected dance step...

And I've become old, which makes me invisible to girls and eliminates my ability to go to dance clubs or parties. As much as I like techno and darkwave music, any attempt to dance o flirt makes me the Old Guy In The Corner, the object of derision.

Flirtation is a way of saying that you find someone sexually interesting. And that's socially forbidden-- or at least highly suspect --now. And if you're not young, high-status, good-looking, flirtation is offensive. Who wants to think that they might be attractive to someone repulsive?

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

I don't remember. I'm married, so there's a good chance I used to do some flirting, but my wife's from Wisconsin, the same state that gave us Jeffrey Dahmer and the Bates Hotel, and seeing as how I don't want to get my knees broken, I've let whatever flirting skills I used to have just sort of waste away.

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

The biggest thing is to not worry about it. You've already had lunch, if you have his phone#, don't be afraid to call him to go to a random movie or play or whatever. In fact, when you call tell him that you want to "go see some movie." If he's bright he'll realize that going out is more important than what you are seeing.
As a guy, my biggest problem is trying to figure out when a woman is intentionally flirting, and not just being nice. The fact they called afterwords usually means the former.

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

Jen, It's funny what you say about flirting.. cuz I've always been the same way... girls I have absolutely no interest in I can flirt with like a champ.. it just flows.. it's so easy.. but once I like someone, forget about it.. I can't think of a damn thing to say. I think it revolves around this ego thing.. someone I don't like I feel superior to and so I don't care what they think of what I have to say.. I say to myself, "I'm to say exactly what I think and feel, cuz I could care less what this person thinks of me". When I like someone, however, I assume that they are much smarter and wiser and more sophisticated and more FUN than I am, so I get stressed about trying to think of something to say that I think is one their level... and of course, once I'm stressed, I sit there with my mouth open trying desparately to get something witty to come out. Never happens. It's a curse.

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

I agree with GlenS. Flirting is fraught with problems. There's a good chance he'll think you're either joking, or just trying to be nice.

If you're serious about getting to know somebody better, the best approach is a direct one. Ask them out. I'd agree going to the movies would be a good bet.

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

Well, she already had lunch with him, and she's a coward!

However, there are other cowardly ways to pursue this should she fail at asking him out.

group invites to some affair that seem neutral where she can hang out with him without two much pressure. (with at least a friend or two in the know, so there won't be interference)

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

One tip - Don't flirt with guys you are not interested in. That's a cruel and insensitive thing to do.

I've been on the receiving end a while back. A gorgeous girl in my class flirted with me, but when I made a move she became incredible cold and withdrawn. Granted, I asked her out through an e-mail message, but in a very innocuous way.

What's the purpose of flirting with guys you are not interested in?

Sending confusing messages is evil.


-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

Flirting with someone you're not really interested in is only cruel if that person is interested in you. I wouldn't flirt with someone who I thought really liked me if I wasn't interested in him (or her).

-- Anonymous, February 24, 2000

Oh, and in case you're wondering how I know if someone is interested in me, I have a sixth sense: I can always tell if someone likes me, UNLESS I'm interested in him. Then I can never tell. But at least it tells me who's safe to flirt with.

-- Anonymous, February 24, 2000

1) Wear something really baggy. I would recommend a GLAD 15 gallon plastic trash bag. Don't forget to rip a hole in the top for your head so you don't strangle yourself. Cinch the bottom if it is cold.

2) Don't wear your glasses and/or contacts. Leering, squinting, and excessive blinking can transmit subtle yet powerful messages.

3) Hold heavy objects in both arms during the start of flirting and do not release until the jitters are gone. I would recommend a gallon of no-fat milk in one hand and a Barnes and Nobles bag in the other, chock full of romantic novels from the Teen Literature section.

4) Pick your nose. Inconspicuously and at non-regular intervals.

5) Laugh at everything. Just don't cackle. Cackling is gross.

Hope this helps you, because it sure didn't help me any.

-- Anonymous, February 25, 2000


I guess I don't flirt, in that I've always been in the "friends first" school of dating. But now that I'm pushing 30 and not meeting women very often, that's a heck of a lot more difficult. So I try to be funny, but try not to look like I'm trying. Not that this works.

-- Anonymous, February 25, 2000

..i'd say i'm fairly good at flirting. although flirting with people really only works when you're both proficient. flirting with people who are excessivly shy, or dull, or scared, or stupid is just bad cricket. plus, it's no fun. sometimes flirting with a person you're only physically attracted to is a lot of fun - you can subtly mock them while also hitting on them. flirting is totally stratigic. it's like chess. but otherwise. . . i'd say the best advice i could give is steer the coversation around to letting the person know what you want without being explicit. remeber, he's a boy, you're pretty - chances are he's already thinking piggy thoughts.

!badbot! is imaginary.

-- Anonymous, February 26, 2000

Yeah, right. The only two people I've flirted successfully with were so totally out of my league that it was a game for both of us. If I'm interested in someone, the first thing I do is stop looking at or talking to that person comfortably. Everything around them becomes furtive. On the other hand, if I'm not interested in them, I will joke around and talk it up, but I won't even try to flirt (because I'm not interested).

The only tip I can give is to forget that your interested in him. And when you figure out how to do it, could you show me?

-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000

Heavens, but I got a good laugh yesterday.

Anybody else see a TV commercial for, the one that gives instructions on "How to flirt with a man"?

Of course, Jen finally 'fessed up to her guy, so maybe it's not as important as it was before, but I couldn't help but see the woman in that commercial as Jen.

-- Anonymous, February 29, 2000

Flirting? Well, since I've been single for longer than I like to think about, I'd have to say that I'm probably not much good at it. I'm impressed that Jen and her object of desire actually sat down and discussed their mutual attraction. How refreshing! Like Lohr, I have become The Invisible Man as far as women are concerned, so whether I flirt or not probably doesn't make much difference as no one can see me anyway.

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2000

I flirt digitally. Of course if this doesn't accept html I will look a fool.

Which is OK since I use humor a lot. Oddly enough after I turned 45 nothing seemed to work. I have even tried this crazy 'friends first' thing.

I figure friends eventually. If you're lucky.

-- Anonymous, March 03, 2000

Flirtation is a way of saying that you find someone sexually interesting. And that's socially forbidden-- or at least highly suspect --now.
If you automatically equate flirting with sex, you're going to ALWAYS lose when you've passed your prime.

-- Anonymous, March 04, 2000

I think I've learned to flirt quite well over the years. As a teen, I was terrified of girls - and much too earnest to allow myself the pleasure. In my 20's I was too drunk to worry. My 30's were spent in another country where folks with my skin color were rare and men were a premium. I learned to flirt almost instantly Now in my 40's I find it easy to extend that part of myself that is playful curiousity co- mingled with sexual desire.

A tip? Desire is in the eyes and in the way one listens - as if the words before you were playful invitations.

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2000

i know this will sound stupid...but what seems to be a good technique for me has been pushing, poking and punching (very lightly of course) girls. for some reason, playfully fighting with a girl seems to lead to your finding out if they like you or not. if it annoys them or if they're totally unresponsive, then you're outta luck. if they respond to it and seem to like it, then there's potential. either that or maybe they just like beating the crap out of you. i happen to like girls that can almost throttle me. the last 3 girls i've had relationships with began with that sorta behavior. i'm sure you'll think i'm a weirdo, but...

on another note, i don't know how i even ended up on your page. i noticed your having your b-day at the make-out room. cool bar...good choice.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2000

Someone in a column I read last week said that he keeps reading that girls put "a man with a sense of humor" down as their major preference, but that the term means something different to males and females. Guys think it means "someone to whom lots of stuff is funny"; girl humans think it means "someone who looks and talks like Hugh Grant". Does anyone have any comments on this?

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

To me, a guy with a good sense of humor is someone who makes ME laugh, which is actually the primary thing that attracted me to this guy I have a crush on.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

Kymm, I think, has described the prime characteristic she looks for as "finds me hilarious."

I think the optimal situation is to find each other hilarious, but that's pretty rare, so ... see other thread.

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

In ref. to Lohr and Jens last post.

Classified ad should read:

"SWF looking for SM who is funny, not looks funny. Please no Larrys' of Three Stooges need apply, just Hugh Grant types with no penchant for prostitutes."

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

OK, but I don't think Hugh Grant is funny. Change it to Ben Stiller and it's all good!

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2000

As far as unfair flirtation, my [pardon me if this is rude] gaydar is automatically disabled when I am flirted with. If I have suspicions that a guy who I could like and is cute is gay or not, and begins to flirt with me, instantly I assume that he's straight, or at least likes girls too. Crushing that not only does he not like me like that, but he doesn't like ANY girls like that... but maybe that's just me.

As far as my skills.. well.. I can usually not tell when I'm being flirtatious - I think I'm being friendly until the guy makes a move and I'm like "what the fuck? I wasn't giving signals!" So for those who said that flirting w/ someone you don't like is wrong, keep in mind that they may not realize that it's flirting. Does that make sense?

-- Anonymous, March 29, 2000

Ben Stiller's funny, but he is also horribly horribly hirsute. Can't think of anyone who is equally funny but smooth at this time.
Hmmmm, not so good at flirting. I'm decently good at stalking, but that never seems to work. Actually, I can supply a few helpful tips as far as what girls do that works for me:

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2000

Lohr, man, it looks like you're getting embittered single male disease. You seem to be in that downward spiral where you get all twisted because you don't have a girlfriend, which then makes it more difficult to get a girl, which makes you more twisted, etc. Look: women are just like us. They respond to looks and personality and the mix of the two. So do you -- you have your looks standards as well, I'm sure (we all do). It's true that some women claim looks are not important to them, which can be annoyingly hypocritical (I have no idea why they do this). But there is no point getting all upset about the way the world is -- there are plenty of women out there for all of us, we just have to wait on it a bit sometimes. Trite, I know, but true.

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2001

Uh, well since I'm pretty young, I kind of know how... All I do is watch the guy, then when he looks at me, I look down, then look up really quick and smile... And I laugh a lot. So yeah, There's lots more but I gotta go... C ya!

-- Anonymous, September 10, 2001

I can be a good flirt when I want to be! It seems as though when my eye is on someone I really like, all I do is smile and look away. God forbid if I have drinks in me. If that's the case, I love to be dareing. I like the aggression. I love to make the eye contact and bite the lips. I become overly friendly. I like to pursue and pursue like "now". That's only if I've been interested for a long time in a person. If it's a stranger, I don't go as aggressively. It's kind of embarressing because when you drink you get fancy free. You like to express yourself in ways you've never expressed yourself before. You become bold and spontaneous! I did make the first move on someone who I happen to see everyday. A dear friend at a ball park. It's strange now because I am married and he's not! I see this person every day and the thoughts are intense. I cannot snap out of it and it has totally turned my world upside down. I try to keep brainwashing myself to stay focused and I try to get this person out of my mind. I can't and I am very upset with myself. I am a highly strong person and know I shouldn't have the feelings I have. I know this person feels the same way because he gets shy around me and we barely look at each other. I think we are afraid of the outcome. We told each other deep secrets that night at a bar. Nothing happened except one too many hugs and kisses, I've never had a one night stand for god's sake? However, I know the truth comes out when people drink. I even went as far as telling this person my heart aches. I cannot believe I let my feelings go to that level. Now, we are really afraid of the outcome of the "attraction". It's scarey. If you can give me your thoughts on the subject I would love to hear from you. Please e-mail me at

-- Anonymous, July 18, 2002

yes the best i can get any girl or guy i want.

-- Anonymous, October 20, 2002

I'm really not sure. But my wife accuses me of it often, though I am completely unaware of it. Is it possible to flirt without knowing? She says my face goes in to some auto-pilot sexy stare. I know I don't stare, and I can't help it if I'm sexy ; )

-- Anonymous, October 27, 2002

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