HOW TO BE ANNOYING (I realize that some of us don't need help in this category =P)

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".

Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/ OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?""Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Drive half a block.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr Rogers theme song.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed. [or use the toothpick on someone else's swiss army knife]

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

-- cin (cinlooo@aol.com), February 22, 2000

Answers

After reading this,I am really annoyed !!

-- Dan Newsome (BOONSTAR1@webtv.net), February 22, 2000.

But...I already DO all those things.

-- and (everyone@likes.me), February 22, 2000.

What a hoot! Laughed so hard, I thot I was going to split my sides! Thanks for the humor- we need a comic to break up the sobriety.

-- Jo Ann (MaJo@Michiana.com), February 22, 2000.

LOL Cin...thanks for the comic relief! Those are a riot!

-- Dee (T1Colt556@aol.com), February 22, 2000.

Hey...no make fun of Hawaiian names, eh?

-- Mad Monk (madmonk@hawaiian.net), February 22, 2000.

Post 572 posts on the same BB.... in the same night :-)

----> The friendly ghost :-)

-- Casper (c@no.yr), February 22, 2000.

nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk =p

-- cin (cinlooo@aol.com), February 23, 2000.

nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk =p

-- cin (cinlooo@aol.com), February 23, 2000.

I thought you were going too go away.....

-- Netghost (ng@no.yr), February 23, 2000.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day... Tomorrow's not looking good either.

Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with brie.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Never argue with a pig. You'll both get dirty and the pig will love it.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through Peanut Butter!

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

In politics, scum tends to rise to the top.

Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

And your point is...

AND JUST FOR MY Y2K FRIENDS

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by...

-- Dilbert (the@cube.man), February 23, 2000.

Dilbert HAHAHA! Too funny

and netghost...please go find someone or something else to obsess about.

-- cin (cinlooo@aol.com), February 23, 2000.