Is it just me, or is the whole world kind of going crazy right now? (Jeremy and I are getting along just fine, by the way. These things just happen sometimes.)

I'd like to blame it on Valentine's Day, but my particular V-Day was okay. We've delayed gifts and festivities until we both feel better, and there aren't any hard feelings about that.

Maybe it's other people and their post V-Day vibes that are affecting us, because we seem to know a lot of couples that are questioning things right now.

Has everyone lost their minds?

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

Answers

You know, Beth, I was in a cross mood and hoped to cheer up by reading your frequently amusing entries. And then I read this:

But then I realized: "Wait, no one has affairs with 30 year old women. If we break up, you'll just find a 19 year old, won't you?"

Now I'm really depressed. I think we should all write off February as a horrible month. The weather is often nasty and all those Relationship In Trouble vibes fill the air. Can't we all hide under our desks until this month is over?

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

Hmmm. Well, I hadn't noticed anything, save that the kids' timing for going asleep could be better. But then, often the husband is the last to know...I certainly HOPE nothing goes wrong, our 20th anniversary will come up on May 17th.--Al of NOVA NOTES

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

Don't worry, Al, I think this is just an unmarried 20 or 30 something woman thing. You're probably in the clear.

And Jette, I think this is only a problem if you're already in a relationship with one of those non-cow-buying guys, or if you're a character on TV. You're probably okay. Lots of men have affairs with 30 year old women in real life, I think. In fact, I'm pretty sure 19 year old women have better things to do than sleep with old guys like Jeremy.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

It's late winter, it's almost spring but not quite. Everybody has cabin fever and who better to blame our woes on than our partners.

Also, Mercury is retrograde right now.

I had an affair with someone besides my then-boyfriend when I was 30, and I got married for the first time when I was 44. Though I never did want to have a baby, so I didn't have that problem.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

First of all, my boyfriend is 27 and I'm 36 - I don't think any of you need to worry about becoming "undesirable" after the age of 30. The truth is, I really came into my own in my 30's, and I think the confidence and experience of an older woman will always be more attractive than the temporary bloom of a 19 year old. A good friend of mine, a very attractive 41 year old musician with a plethora of gorgeous (and barely legal) groupies, is getting married next month to a woman who is 2 years older than he is. He is completely uninterested in the nubile young things who throw themselves at his feet, because once you get past their beauty and youth...well...they have nothing to offer.

As far as this time of year doing a number on relationships - I couldn't agree more. On Saturday night I decided to dump my boyfriend because I had a headache, and I had concluded that he was responsible for it. After popping a few Advils I prudently determined that perhaps the headache was actually a result of work-related stress. On Sunday morning I picked a fight with him over a section of the paper that I wanted to read and sent him home. On Sunday afternoon I called my ex-boyfriend in Austin and made plans to visit him in March. On Sunday night I patched things up with the current boyfriend, but neglected to tell him about my upcoming travel plans. oops. Now I feel guilty and...restless.

I'm attributing all of this to some evil February planet alignment. When March rolls around I suppose I'll have to examine the situation more closely.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

Since the age thing is the topic again, rest assured that true sexiness can't be defined by age numnbers or size numbers, just like true intelligence can't be defined by IQ test numbers.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

I've just realized something interesting. Online, I know plenty of women who fall in love and marry for the first time in their 40's. I don't know anyone like in real life, though. In real life, I have a whole group of friends who are single or divorced women in their 40's, and all they talk about is the fact that they're never going to meet anyone.

What's up with that? Do I just have a particularly pathetic bunch of friends, or are women online smarter?

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

D'oh! I'm forty three and never married! ;-)

Ah, well, I'm involved with a great guy, and we are getting along better than ever.

But until I stopped putzing around and took action (placing personal ads, etc) I certainly wasn't dating or meeting anyone, and that situation had held steady for about ten years.

Good site on this topic: http://www.loveadvice.com/

Anita of Anita's BOD and Anita's LOL

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

Judy, I'll keep that in mind if I ever plan on dating you...

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

You're 43!!!! I didn't think you were even 33.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

Subject: What the hell is up with late February and romantic relationships?

Maybe it's other people and their post V-Day vibes that are affecting us, because we seem to know a lot of couples that are questioning things right now.

Maybe Valentine's Day is like the Prom, where women are willing to suppress any doubts about a relationship's longevity until after the day. Maybe it creates some kind of weird pressure on women not to be alone, and when that pressure is gone, the relationship becomes more vulnerable to a kind of explosive decompression.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

Beth wrote: But then I realized: "Wait, no one has affairs with 30 year old women. If we break up, you'll just find a 19 year old, won't you?"

Forgive me, but this is abject bullshit. I agree w/Sarah Campbell (aside: hi Sar! Miss you!), that as I got older and more secure in my skin, more men were attracted to that.

Plus, I have the shining example of my mom, who met and married her soul mate at 44, with a bunch of kids under her belt.

The men who are worth having are the ones who appreciate the brain and the passion and don't spend too much time obsessing over the package, so to speak. Give the guys a little credit. They're not all panting beasts.

sa

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

You guys need to get married, Beth. Before my husband and I were married, I was always worrying about how he was acting distant or annoyed with me, worrying that I was smothering him, worrying that I wasn't paying enough attention to him. We got married, and just like that all my worries went away. The phrase "Do it yourself, you're a big boy," has taken up permanent residence in my repertoire of phrases. Now every once in awhile, he says "Is everything okay? You're acting so...distant."

I swear it's not on purpose.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

ha! Dave, I'm very well-preserved, I guess. I think the best thing with age is to tell everyone you are *older* than you are; then they think you look good! (but I'm not doing that, I swear.)

I don't think I've every made any secret of my age -- I wrote about it on my last birthday.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

Then I guess it must just be me. I haven't been hit on or flirted with since I was about 25, with one minor exception about a year ago.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

I totally agree that there is something about February and relationships imploding. I'm hoping March makes things better.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

Heh heh heh...listen, Beth, I'm *getting* married and February still sucked. No dramatic blow-ups, but more like a "holy shit, am I doing the right thing?" pre-wedding round of nerves. Oh, and Michael's mother has already bought Winnie-the-Pooh books for the kids, so I'm now convinced she sees me as a "walking womb." Aieeeee!

Gotta tell ya, though, I do agree with anyone who said turning 30 is actually a good thing. It is. I'm way more confident now than before; in fact, if I hadn't gained weight, I'd be unstoppable, bay-beee.... Oh, I'm a better flirt, too. >:>

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

"as I got older and more secure in my skin, more men were attracted to that."

You sure it's not your supermodel hair?

Anita, I thought you just graduated college or something. I must be confused.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

Mike, I think you may have nailed it. I think maybe people are so desperate to have someone around the holiday season and Valentine's Day that they're willing to overlook a lot of warning signs in order to avoid being alone. I'd guess that be more true this year, given the ceaseless hype over the New Year's 2000 thing. Maybe on Valentine's Day, Cupid sends out those lead-tipped arrows and people step back and say "Wait a minute, what am I DOING in this relationship?" With predictable results.

Or, to be less cynical (I think), maybe Valentine's Day is a giant wake-up call for people unsure about their current flame. I mean, it's hard to make protestations of undying love and affection when you're unsure of whether you even still like the person. Maybe the thought of having to lie through your teeth to someone who presumably still cares about you causes enough guilt that people are more willing than usual to express their doubts.

It is seriously comincal that I'm even weighing in with an opinion on anything involving relationships, but it's a slow day at the office and ... well ... there you go.

--mike

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

Spring is practically here, and all that potential energy is looming over us like a big old looming thing. It's shouting at us, "Do Something! I don't care if you're in a relationship or a Relationship! Do Something More!" It's really vicious on the part of nature. It makes us stir-crazy and dissatisfied. Well, we think, if the crocuses and daffodils and dogwoods are having their little yearly make-over, why shouldn't we?

I try to be happy for nature and re-evaluate my life without letting everything go whirling off into a new orbit. It doesn't always work, but being aware that I'm susceptible to the problem helps somewhat.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

Actually, mine has taken a turn for the better. This past weekend was um ... well ... fun:) And that has turned the tide of a lot of frustration and aggravation that has been building up. So all the questioning I was doing _last_ month has reversed.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

We're doing ok. I'm just my usual assortment of pregnant and hormonal. Mike is his usual assortment of patient and forgiving.

Mostly I'm just terrified of driving. I've had two people hit the car I was responsible for in the past week and not stop or leave a note. First time, the other woman was at fault and drove off. Last time, the stupid car was parked and I wasn't in it and it took me a bit to find.

He can't ditch me until after I have the baby and don't put out any more.

Oh, and age difference...Mike is 23 and I'm 36. Older women do bring neat and wonderful things to a relationship, so be assured, Beth, you won't die a miserable old spinster.

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

I'm 30 and I still get hit on, believe it or not. I never act on it though, happily married and all.

But I did get kind of weirded out this month, and it might have been V-day - might have been the fact that I have a 5 month old in the house, so almost no time for sex!. I saw on the news a report about how more relationships end on or around valentine's day. I believe they said that it is a time when people sort of stop and take a good long look at their lover and see them for what they really are. Like I had a boyfriend in college who gave me a big fat nothing for v-day, he actually forgot is WAS v-day. And I thought, "hold on! Do I want to be with someone who doesn't care about me to the extent that he won't even give me a bloody card?" We broke up the next day.

Maybe that is what's happening?

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

I think maybe people are so desperate to have someone around the holiday season and Valentine's Day that they're willing to overlook a lot of warning signs in order to avoid being alone.

Although, I never meant to suggest that having someone around was in itself a desperation. Rather, life itself involves a little desperation, and people rush to medicate themselves from that with, among other things, love. You could include any addiction as an attempt to do so. I'm not so sure posting to this forum isn't my addiction of the moment. (Oh, who am I kidding...)

-- Anonymous, February 22, 2000

Heh.

Normally February is one of my downest months - life-wise, career-wise and romantic-wise. But I just got engaged on Sunday, so this particular February has been rather kind to me. =)

Of course, if someone had told me last year that I'd be getting married, I would have suggested that they find the nearest looney bin and check themselves in. A lot can happen in a year...

she's actual size

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

I havn't read all the responses, 'cause I've really gotta go to bed, but I've gotta say I don't think it's valentines day, I think its the late winter/spring thing, 'cause it happens to me every spring. the sun starts shining and I want to be outside (and I'm not a very outdoorsy person), *not* working, *not* paying a mortgage, and not tied down.

I usually find someone to have a crush on for a few weeks and get over it by about November. Chris doesn't seem to have the same spring itchy feet syndrome, but he finds someone to have a crush on anyway 'cause it's more fun that way!

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

As a single guy by choice who still firmly believes in monogamy (therefore: no one-night stands or anything) I can assure you that this overall feeling of uneasyness has nothing to do with relationships whatsoever. It's the end of winter, and somehow that messes with people's heads. Or is it just me who thinks that everyone is acting just a little clumsier than usual? I believe that once we all have had a good dose of sunshine, things will look a lot different.

Oh, and Beth, don't worry about the age thing. There IS no age thing - there's just people. And the people who believe in such stereotypes are not worth your time and attention.

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

My husband is a cop, and they are actually warned about this time of year at work. He said more people get committed every few days this time of year than normally get committed in a normal month.

Relationships aside, it seems to me that people who border any kind of mind-related illnesses have the most trouble right now. My mother- in-law, who we've long suspected suffers from depression, just lost it this past week. She was jealous about time we spent with my parents, and went into full victim/martyr role with personal attacks to boot. We were sort of expecting it.

We live in Wisconsin, so unlike many of you, our winter will last right through 'till May. Doesn't seem to affect the cabin fever timing though...

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

I don't know if your friends are unusual or not, Beth. Most of my friends are in their 40s and if they're married, didn't do so till late in life. Most have some kind of partner, married or not.

Most of my husband's friends, people he went to high school with, got married in their 20s and are still married. I always feel like that's the "normal" pattern, though it wouldn't have been right for me.

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

"In fact, I'm pretty sure 19 year old women have better things to do than sleep with old guys like Jeremy."

This one doesn't ;o) Jeremy is a good looking guy and older guys have always appealed to me. (Please no one get Freudian on me).

Everything is going really well relationship wise. Getting along great. January was a bad month but now we're both getting a bit of spring fever. Ahh to be young and in love.

Tauren

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

My boy and I had a tiff right AFTER our Valentine's Day celebration (which lasted a week, but nevermind) I was livid, because I couldn't imagine someone that paid me that much attention and went through as much trouble as he did for a wonderful gift, (It was a potrait of the two of us) would step out on me like that... He didn't, it ended up, that his psycho (emphasis on the ho) ex girlfriend had been stalking us last week and found out where we were... She left a pretty threatening message on my voice-mail, and is 10 seconds from being in jail for aggravated harassment.

I think Valentine's Day puts extra pressure on people to evaluate, where they are and where they want to be... If they're really in love... what if this person isn't "the one", all that.

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2000

Hehe... During our Valentine weekend NYC trip (to see KITH), I told the boyfriend that he was lucky because he was the first guy that I've been with around V-day that wasn't in jeopardy of being dumped. So I guess our relationship hasn't been suffering the February poops.

-- Anonymous, February 24, 2000

I can speak for the validity of this, because my SO and I broke up on Saturday. The day before my birthday. Now I have the lovely roses I got for V-Day around to mock me! And no, he didn't give me any birthday presents.

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2001

Sara, I know this wasn't the sort of response you expected, but how the heck do you get roses to last nine days?

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2001

Two are dead. Two are ok, but look faded. Two are still beautiful and going strong. Just lucky, I guess

-- Anonymous, February 23, 2001