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First let me apologize for writing in English, hope you kind people dont mind, I havent got to learn your language yet. (I do read some Norwegian, but writing is another story...)

Its just that I feel so lonely tonight and I kinda need to +talk;. I have been watching this group for a while and you all seem to be a nice bunch of thinking human beings. Well, as I said I feel really lonely tonight, like Im left by every one I care about. Or rather by everyone I thought cared about me. Its not funny walking through life as a freak. Its OK to be different some times, but being different all the time takes its toll for sure. I work my ass of just trying to be, and Im sick of it really. I used to think that being was all, that it was what life was all about but I was wrong. Its not enough to just be, you have to be perfect. Fit the mould. Well, I dont fit the mould yet, Im slowly getting there but as for now I have to be accepted for what and who I am. Mostly +what; really, and thats what bugging me. It DO hurt when you discover that someone that call them self your friend dont want to be seen with you. The prejudices is very deeply rooted, often much deeper than any friendship. Oh sure we put on our mental armor and say +Oh fuckem;, but we do care dont we? Deep inside we feel that little sting of betrayal, and that wound take a long time to heal. Ive been betrayed numerous times and I never get used to it. But the paradox is that I never seem to stop trusting people which I guess is sort of a good thing. So then, what is the best thing to do? Fight or flee? Right now I feel that fleeing is a good idea. Sometimes it can be right to protect one self with any available method, even cowardliness. But I wont flee of course. I will fight all the way. I will continue to say +fuckem; insdie my mental armor. I will continue to get hurt. Because I know, in my heart, that one day soon, everything will be perfect. I will no longer be a freak, and I will have the opportunity to just be!

Blessed be.

-- Just little me. (does@not.matter), February 18, 2000

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