It is so very important we teach our children the true nature of American democratic government. Now it is possible to do this in the privacy of your own home. There are many simple exercises that can illustrate to a childs mind the principles upon which our great democracy operates. As I, you may find these useful in the proper rearing of children so I thought I would share. Offer him, say, $10 to mow the lawn. When he has mowed it and asks to be paid, withhold $5 and explain that this is income tax. Give $1 of this to his younger brother, who has done nothing to deserve it and tell him this is "fair" because the younger brother needs money too. Also explain that you need the other $4 yourself to cover the administrative costs of dividing the money and for various other things you need. Make him place his $5 in a savings account over which you have authority. Explain that if he is ever naughty, you will remove the money from the account without asking him.

Also explain how you will be taking most of the interest he earns on that money, without his permission. Mention that if he tries to hide the money, this, in itself, will be evidence of wrongdoing and will result in you automatically taking the money from him.

Conduct random searches of his room in the wee hours of the morning. Burst in unannounced. Go through all of his drawers and pockets. If he questions this, tell him you are acting on a tip-off from a friend of his who casually mentioned that the two of them had both earned a bit of spare cash last week. If you find it, confiscate all of that money and also take his stereo and television. Tell him you are selling these and keeping the money to compensate you for having to make the raid. Also lock him in his room for a month as further punishment. When he cries at the injustice of this, tell him he is being "selfish" and "greedy" and only interested in looking after his own happiness. Explain that he should learn to sacrifice his own happiness for other people and that since he cant be relied upon or trusted to do this voluntarily, you will use force to ensure he complies. Later in life he will thank you.

Make as many rules as possible. Leave the reasons for them obscure. Enforce them arbitrarily. Accuse your child of breaking rules you have never told him about and carefully explain that ignorance of your rules is not an excuse for breaking them. Keep him anxious that he may be violating commands you havent issued yet. Instill in him the feeling that rules are utterly irrational. This will prepare him for living under a democratic government.

He is still too young to understand the benefits of democracy, so explain this wonderful system as follows: You, your wife and his brother get together and vote that your son should have all privileges removed, be beaten and confined to his room for a week. If he protests that you are violating his rights, patiently explain his error and tell him that the majority have voted for this punishment and nothing matters except the will of the majority.

When your child has matured sufficiently to understand how the judicial system works, set a bedtime for him of, say, 10 p.m. and then send him to bed at 9 p.m. When he tearfully accuses you of breaking the rules, explain that you made the rules and you can interpret them in any way that seems appropriate to you, according to changing conditions.

Promise often to take him to the zoo, movie or ballgame and then, at the appointed hour, recline in an easy chair with the newspaper and tell him you changed your mind. When he screams, "but you promised!" explain to him that it was a campaign promise and hence meaningless.

Every so often, slap your child without warning. Then explain that this is self-defense. Tell him that he must be vigilant at all times to stop any potential enemy before he gets big enough to hurt you. This, too, your child will appreciate. Perhaps not at this moment but certainly later in life when raising his own children.

Drink a bottle of whiskey and then lecture him on the evils of smoking dope. If he points out your hypocrisy remind him that the majority of people drink and that, as already explained, the needs of the majority are the only moral standard.

Break up any meeting, party or social event between he and more than three of his friends as being an "unlawful gathering".

If he strokes the cat without the cat giving its express permission, slap him viciously for feline harassment.

Mark one designated spot in the yard where he can park his bike. If he leaves it anywhere else, padlock it and demand $50 to release it. If he offends more than three times, confiscate the bike, sell it and keep the money.

Install a hidden video system in your sons bedroom and also record all his telephone conversations. If he protests, accuse him of having something to hide. Explain that only criminals seek privacy and that good, dutiful children relinquish their privacy in exchange for the advantages which protective parenthood offers. Remind him of the boy across town who was caught smoking dope in his bedroom by just such a hidden system and explain that the case justifies putting such systems in all teenagers bedrooms.

Lie to your child constantly. Teach him that words mean nothing, or rather that the meanings of words are continually "evolving" and tomorrow may be the opposite of what they are today.

Have a word with his teachers at school and ask them to share any merit marks your child achieves with the ethnic minority students who did not earn merit marks. If he questions this, explain that long ago we abused the ancestors of these peoples, and so it is only fair that he shares the merits around to compensate their descendants. This is also probably a good time to tell him that his energy, talents and enthusiasm will not secure him a job if the quota of such abused peoples has not yet been filled. Tell him talent stands for nothing, it is fairness and sharing which are important. Remind him that his primary duty is the happiness and welfare of people he does not know and will never meet.

Ban cutlery from your home and make your son eat with his hands. If he asks why, remind him of the youth who stabbed a cat to death last week with a fork. Explain that if just one cat is saved by the banning of cutlery, then this prohibition will be worthwhile. If he protests, question him closely about why he is intending to kill innocent cats, or why he is a cat hater.

Issue him a pass card which he must show before entering the home. Stand guard at the door. When he comes home, politely but firmly take him into the spare room and question him about his movements. Ask him how much cash he has on his person. If in excess of $50, confiscate the lot as it exceeds the house rule for maximum cash allowed. Then search his pockets and backpack. To keep him guessing, perform the occasional strip search. If he protests, detain him for longer and make the search more intrusive. If he gets really angry at this, lock him in his room and cause him to miss his next party or outing.

Obviously, were you to perform these exercises with your child, they would be removed from your care and you would be placed in prison for abuse. Isnt it about time our government stopped abusing the children of their household?

ANONYMOUS

-- Finds this fascinating (nospam@myin.box), February 11, 2000

Answers

This is great!!! I emailed a copy of it to all parents and people I know. THanks for contributing it!!

-- jack in the box (jack@inthe.box), February 11, 2000.