Check out this humorous cartoon on new baptism ceremony styles <\a>

Not that baptism is a joke!

-- Anonymous, February 10, 2000

Answers

One of my friends wanted to be baptized in the Pacific Ocean. He got swept away by an undertow and almost drowned.

Was his baptism valid or...was this a "Sign"?

-- Anonymous, February 10, 2000

This seems like a good place to put this: (I found it on the HumptyDumpty site).

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese afella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...

Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells: .......

. . . . .

'SUPPLIES'!!

I don't like ethnic humor, and I hope this does not offend anyone. I am partly Scot, so I've included myself in the fun. Also, I have no ethnic criticism of anyone.

Apologies to James Spinnati and anyone else who is Scot or Chinese.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2000

(This one isn't theologically correct, so don't everyone jump on me for it.)

A guy dies, and finds himself at the pearly gates. Peter is standing there and he starts looking through the books. "Hmmmm, I see here you have never really done anything bad in your life. Unfortunately, it seems you have never really done anything good in your life either. If you can name just one truly good thing you have done in your life that I don't have on my books here, I will let you pass into heaven."

The guy says, "Oh, that's easy. I was driving down the street, and I saw this beautiful blonde being chased by a gang of 50 outlaw bikers. They chased her into a dead-end alley, so I stopped my car, grabbed a tire-iron and ran down the alley after them. I bashed the leader of the gang over the head, felling him. I told the girl to make a run for it, then I turned to the other 49 thugs and said, 'OK, who else wants some?'"

"Wow," Peter said, "Thats incredible! When did this happen?"

"About two minutes ago," the man replied.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2000

John,

This one isn't theologically correct, either. And it will probably offend at least another third of the forum. (H-m-m-m ~ for not liking ethnic humor, I am certainly pushing it, here!);

We were having dinner with a lawyer friend with the surname of VandeBunte. We were talking about elderly parents, and I was telling how my mother, though English for the most part, used to say she was 'Scot' ~ which my dad really was ~ whenever she wanted someone to understand how frugal she was.

Jim Van (a really fine Dutch name, by the way) made the following 'funny' ~ and you will notice that all of the named ethnic groups are known for their frugality and wisdom concerning money: 'A Jew is the only person who can buy from a Dutchman and sell to a Scot, and still make a profit!' Since Jim is Dutch, I am Scot, and our Savior is Jewish, no harm was intended. We almost howled with laughter, even though we were in a restaurant.

Chucklingly submitted,

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2000

The following is NOT FUNNY in one sense, but is in another sense, so I'm sharing it with you:

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning, pastor," replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

Reminds me of the one about the little boy who is in the receiving line after the sermon, and when he gets to the pastor to shake his hand he says, "When I get older and get a job I'm going to give you as much money as I can."

The pastor says, "Thats mighty generous of you, son, but why?"

The boy replies, "Because my daddy said you're about the poorest preacher he'd ever seen."

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

;-) ;-) ;-)

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2000

My father swears that this is a true story, that happened to a friend of his:

There were a certain two ministers that were rgeat friends for years. They were a kind of "Mutt & Jeff" combo -- one very tall and broad, the other unusually short and compact. (let's call them "Tallboy" and "Smallboy".) Smallboy went to Tallboy's congregation to preach a week of revival meetings for him. About half- way thru the week, Tallboy was called to attend to a funeral in another town. Smallboy said, "Go on, I'll take care of things here."

The evening that Tallboy was gone, someone responded to the gospel message that Smallboy preached, and came to be baptized. Not wanting to wait for Tallboy to return, Smallboy thought, "Well, that's fine, I'll just use Tallboy's waders and take care of this myself."

He went back to put on Tallboy's waders (for those of you not familiar, think of big rubber pants with suspenders, that usually come up to the waist or just above). Being so much smaller than Tallboy, Smallboy found that the body of the waders came right up to his armpits. Smallboy pulled them on, and took all the excess suspender length and wrapped it around his chest to tie it up and firmly hold up the waders.

When Smallboy enetered the baptistry, science took over. All the air trapped in the waders, underneath the wrapped-around-his-chest suspenders, caused the waders to ballon out and rise to the top of the water level. Of course, this meant that the top of the package had to go down. The air trapped in the waders flipped Smallboy upside down in the water and floated him there, until someone could get to him and turn him upright, saving him from an embarrassing death-by-floating-upside-down in the baptistry.

No news on whether the baptism was carried out that night.

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2000

Well, since we have gone back to baptism humor:

Dan Engle, former college minister at Call Street Church of Christ (now Meridian Woods) in Tallahassee, told me this actually happened to him -

One time Dan was a guest speaker at a youth rally in Arizona (in a previous incarnation Dan had been a youth minister in Arizona) when a young lady responded to an invitation and desired to put on Christ in baptism. Dan was chosen to do the honors, so they did the baptism. Afterwards, Dan was talking with her and began to walk up out of the baptistry with the young lady toward the women's entrance (the baptistry had two entry ways, one through the women's changing area and the other through the men's). Dan realized his mistake in time but by then the congregation had moved on and was singing a hymn. The curtains on the bapistry were still open so rather than cause a distraction he would just swim under the water.

Halfway across, Dan realized a flaw in his plan. It seems the wall of the baptistry facing out was made of clear plexiglass. He waved to the crowd, and continued swimming.

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2000

Sailors of the cross? ;-)

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2000

What's next, Synchronized Baptism?

-- Anonymous, June 05, 2000

Here's a new subject: (Also not Biblically correct)

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one of their biggest churches.

Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set out, with a right good will, to erect the trestles and set up the planks, buy the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thin it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jock off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"

;-) ;-) ;-)

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2000

God has a lisp?! <grin>

-- Anonymous, June 08, 2000

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America.

Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that it is the President of the United States' airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed, cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work.

"He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

-- Anonymous, June 12, 2000

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Old school buds here: http://click.egroups.com/1/5536/3/_/310575/_/961450187/

-- Anonymous, June 19, 2000

;-) ;-) ;-) ;-)

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner."

;-) ;-) ;-) ;-)

-- Anonymous, June 23, 2000

Subject: The very beginning of E Commerce

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says...

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites,or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are".

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators".

"Whoopee!", said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2000

The following is not Biblically correct, but funny, anyway:

A Little Joke

The pope dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter welcomes him and asks if he's ready to enter heaven for all eternity. The pope replies, "Yes, but before I go in, I would really like to see what hell is like."

St. Peter thinks a moment and then responds, "I suppose it would be okay if you went down there for a half hour or so."

With that, the pope finds himself in hell, where, to his amazement, the inhabitants are having a huge party. They have the best of the best spread out: French champagne, Italian food, and music of all sorts, from Lawrence Welk to Jimi Hendrix. As the pope watches everyone eating, drinking and being merry, he starts to become very hungry and cannot wait to go back to heaven.

When the pope returns, St. Peter asks him, "How was hell?"

The pope replies, "Well, they were having such a big feast, I became famished watching them."

St. Peter then asks if the pope is ready to enter heaven, to which the pope replies, "Oh yes, I'm very excited. If the people in hell are having such a good time, I cannot imagine how great heaven will be!"

With that, St. Peter leads the pope into a small white room with a small white table and white chairs, and instructs the pope to have a seat. The pope looks a little puzzled but abides his host.

After a few minutes, Jesus enters the room carrying a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk, and takes a seat.

A moment later, St. Peter enters bearing two peanut butter sandwiches and glasses of milk. He hands a peanut butter sandwich and glass of milk to the pope, and sits down and starts to eat.

As they silently sit eating, the pope becomes more and more agitated, until St. Peter finally asks him why he is not eating.

"Well," the pope responds, "down in hell they are having a big bash, with all the finest food, drink, music and dancing. I imagined heaven would top even that!"

"Why," St. Peter queries, raising his eyebrows, "you don't expect us to do all that for just the three of us, do you?"

-- Debra (thisis@it.com), July 19, 2000.

;-) ;-) ;-) (From another forum)

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000

..........................."I'm Fine'................................. << >Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough >to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. >In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer >Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?," >questioned the lawyer. > >Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just >loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." > >"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer >the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm >fine'!" > >Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I >was driving down the road..." > >The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to >establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told >the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now >several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I >believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the >question." > >By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer >and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about >his favorite mule Bessie." > >Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had >just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was >driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer >ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was >thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was >hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole >Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just >by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came >on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went >over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her >between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his >gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such >bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" > >It was then that I said, "I'm fine." > >Thanx to John Ferguson via the PowerMoose humor list. >>

-- Anonymous, August 16, 2000

Humorous, but at the same time very true. My "daughter" sent this to me and I thought I should pass it on. ________________________

THE PRAYER

Our Father, who art in heaven ...

Yes?

Dont interrupt me. Im praying ...

But you called Me.

Called you? I didnt call you. Im praying. Our Father, who art in heaven.

There, you did it again.

Did what?

Called Me. You said Our Father, who are in heaven... Here I am. Whats on your mine?

But I didnt mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day. I always say the Lords Prayer. It makes me feel good, kind of like getting my duty done.

All right. Go on.

Hallowed be Thy name.

Hold it. What do you mean by that?

By what?

By Hallowed be Thy name.

It means... it means... good grief, I dont know what it means. How should I know? Its part of the prayer. By the way, what does it mean?

It means honored, holy. wonderful.

Hey, that makes sense. I never thought about what hallowed meant before. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Do you really mean that?

Sure, why not?

What are you going to do about it?

Doing? Nothing, I guess. I just think it would be neat if you got control of everything down here like you have up there.

Have I got control of you?

Well, I go to church.

That isnt what I asked you. What about that habit of lust you have? And you bad temper? Youve really got a problem there, you know. And theres the way you spend your money... all on yourself. And what about the kinds of books you read?

Stop picking on me! Im just as good as some of the rest of those phonies at church.

Excuse me... I thought you were praying for My will to be done. If that is to happen, it will have to start with the ones who are praying for it. Like you, for example.

Oh, all right! I guess I do have some hang-ups. Now that you mention it, I could probably name some others.

So could I.

I havent thought about it until now, but I really would like to cut out some thing. Id like to, you know, be really free.

Good, now were getting somewhere. Well work together... you and I can have some victories that can truly be won. Im proud of you.

Look Lord, I need to finish up here. This is taking a lot longer than is usually does... Give us this day our daily bread.

You need to cut down on the bread too... youre overweight as it is.

Hey, wait a minute! What is this, Criticize Me Day? Here I was doing my religious duty, and all of a sudden You break in and remind me of all my hang-ups.

Praying is a dangerous thing: you could wind up changed, you know.

Thats what I am trying to get across to you.

You called Me, and here I am. Its too late to stop now. Keep on praying. Im interested in the next part of your prayer................ well, go on.

Im scared to.

Scared? Of what?

I know what youll say.

Try Me and see.

Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.

What about Mary?

See, I knew it! I knew You would bring her up. Why, shes told lies about me, cheated me out of my money. She never paid back the debt she owes me. Ive swore to get even.

But your prayer..... what about your prayer?

I didnt mean it.

Well, at least youre honest. But its not fun carrying the load of bitterness around inside, is it?

No, but Ill feel better as soon as I get even. Boy, have I made some plans for ol Mary! Shell wish she never did me harm.

You wont feel any better. Youll feel worse. Revenge isnt sweet. Think of how unhappy you are already. But I can change that.

You can? How?

Forgive Mary. Then Ill forgive you. Then the hate and sin will be Marys problem and not yours. You may lose the money, but you will settle your heart.

But Lord, I cant forgive Mary.

Then I cant forgive you.

Oh, youre right! You always are. And more than I want revenge on Mary, I want to be right with You. All right! I forgive her. Help her to find the right road in life, Lord. Shes bound to be awfully miserable, now that I think about it. And some way, some how, show her the right way.

There now! How do you feel?

Hmmm... not bad. Not bad at all, in fact I feel pretty great. You know, I dont think Ill have to go to bed uptight tonight for the first time since I cant remember. Maybe I wont be so tired from now on because Im not getting enough rest.

Youre not though with your prayer... Go on.

Oh, all right... and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Good... good. Ill do that. Just dont put yourself in a place where you can be tempted.

What do you mean by that?

Quit hanging around the wrong places, watching inappropriate movies and television, listening to sinful conversations; hanging around places where pornography is sold. Change some of your friendships. Some of your so-called friends are beginning to get to you. Theyll have you completely involved in the wrong things before long. Dont be fooled. They advertise theyre having fun, but for you it would be ruin. Dont use me for an escape hatch.

I dont understand.

Sure you do. Youve done it lots of times. You get caught in a bad situation, you get into trouble and then you come running to me. Lord, help me out of this mess, and I promise You Ill never do it again. You remember some of those bargains you tried to make with me?

Yes, and Im ashamed Lord. I really am.

Which bargains are you remembering?

Well, when the woman next door saw me backing away from the neighborhood bar. Id told my family I was going to the store. I remember telling You, Lord, dont let her tell my family where Ive been. I promise Ill be in church every Sunday.

She didnt tell your family, but you didnt keep your promise, did you?

Im sorry, Lord, I really am. Up until now, I thought if I just prayed the Lords prayer everyday, then I could do what I liked. I didnt expect anything to happen like it did.

Go ahead. Finish your prayer.

Oh yes... For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and forever. Amen.

Do you know what would bring Me glory? What would really make Me happy?

No, but Id like to know. I want to please You. I can see what a mess Ive made out of my life, and I can see how great it would be to really be one of Your followers.

You just answered the question.

I did?

Yes, the one thing that would bring Me glory is to have people like you truly love Me. And I can see that happening between us. Now that some of these old sins are exposed and out of the way, well, theres no telling what we can do together.

Lord, lets see what we can make of me, OK?

Yes, lets see...

-- Anonymous, August 16, 2000

Very good, John,

Very appropriate for this forum, also.

Think it'll do any good? I want to take it to my heart, also.

-- Anonymous, August 17, 2000

From another forum:

During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

;-) ;-) ;-)

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2000

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as ...





Sinko de Mayo.

-- Anonymous, August 19, 2000

Funny, John.

;-) ;-) ;-)

-- Anonymous, August 20, 2000

This sent to me from one of our Forum participants:

Long ago, there lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt."

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright garment, Captain Bravo led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on, the lookout again spotted not ONE, but TWO pirate ships. Captain Bravo again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of them asked Captain Bravo, "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?" Captain Bravo replied, "Because if I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus you men will continue to resist - unafraid."

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not ONE, not TWO, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at Captain Bravo and waited for his usual reply.

Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted: "Get me my brown pants!"



-- Anonymous, August 25, 2000

From my husband's dear cousin. (She has four beautiful daughters and lost her husband to Alzheimers a few years ago, and to death this past year):

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss."

Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is sometimes saying no."

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love youanymore.

But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more."

"There are two kinds of love: Our love and God's love.

But God makes both kinds of them."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."

"Love is when mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me.

So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.

But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

and, I love you.

Rainy

From another forum: > "The Most Accurate Translation"

> The story is told of four scholars who were arguing over the beauty > and accuracy of various Bible translations. > > One scholar argued for the King James Version, citing its beautiful, > eloquent old English. > > The second scholar advocated for the American Standard Bible. He cited > its literalism, the way it moved a reader from passage to passage with > confident feelings of accuracy from the original texts. > > The third scholar said he preferred the translation by Moffatt. He > praised > its quaint, penetrating use of words, the turn of a phrase that captured > > the attention of the reader. > > After giving thought to each of the lengthy and impassioned arguments > presented, the fourth scholar said, "Frankly, I have always preferred > my mother's translation." > > Knowing that his mother was not a Bible translator, nor a scholar, the > other three chuckled and said, "No, seriously....." The man stood his > > ground. "I stand by my claim," he said. "My mother translated each > page of the Bible into life. And it was the most convincing translation > > I have ever seen." >

Used with permission via Harold -

SYNAGOGUE SEATING REQUEST FORM

During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible:

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one ___ Talking section ___ No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest

___ Stock market ___ Medicine ___ Congregants' secret medical tragedies ___ General gossip ___ Specific gossip (choose ___ The rabbi ___ The cantor ___ The cantor's voice ___ The cantor's wife ___ The cantor's wife's voice ___ The rabbi's "secretary" ___ Fashion news ___ What others are wearing ___ Why they look awful ___ Your neighbors ___ Your relatives ___ Your neighbors' relatives ___ Presidential Election ___ Sex (Preference:______________________ ) ___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom ___Other:_______________________________

3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice? ___ Doctor ___ Dentist ___ Nutritionist ___ Psychiatrist ___ Child psychiatrist ___ Mother in law ___ Podiatrist ___ Chiropractor ___ Stockbroker ___ Accountant ___ Lawyer ___ Criminal ___ Diver ___ Real estate agent ___ Architect ___ Plumber ___ Buyer (Specify store:_______________________ ) ___ Sexologist ___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one] ___ Other:____________________________

4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority ___ On the aisle ___ Near the exit ___ Near the window ___ In Aruba ___ Near the bathroom ___ Near my in-laws ___ As far away from my in-laws as possible ___ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible ___ Near the pulpit ___ Near the Kiddush table ___ Near single men ___ Near available women ___ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services ___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services ___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]

5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where: ___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza (curtain separating the sexes) ___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza ___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza ___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people: (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.) _________________________ _________________________ _________________________ _________________________ _________________________ _________________________

Your name:______________________ Building fund pledge: $_____________

________________ 7. send all pledges made out to: Harold

-- Anonymous, September 23, 2000

posted 10-21- 11:34 AM ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------- From that other forum funny guy: Subj: [TYR] PARROT

Date: 10/21/00 7:12:17 AM Eastern Daylight Time

It seems George received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown, had a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive, and those that weren't were, to say the least, rude.

George tried hard to change the bird's attitude, he would speak gently using polite words, played soft and soothing music, and was up to speed with his parrot psychology.

Nothing seemed to work.

He yelled at the bird. The bird got worse. He shook the bird. The bird got madder and more rude.

Finally in a moment of desperation George stuffed the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments the bird squawked, kicked, screamed then suddenly was quiet.

George, concerned that the bird may have suddenly succumbed to the harsh treatment, quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto George's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my future behaviour."

George, dumbfounded by the bird's change of attitude, was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued:

"May I ask what the CHICKEN did?"

;-) ;-)

-- Anonymous, October 21, 2000

From that other forum:>

Here is a transcript of the new answering service recently installed at> >the >Mental Health Institute:>

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

>If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

>If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

>If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

>If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the> >line so we can trace your call.

>If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the >mother ship.>

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

>If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press> no >one will answer.>

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. > If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a >representative comes on the line.

>If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,> >date >of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

>If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press> >000.

>If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or >before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep first.

>If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. >If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. >If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. >If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

>If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too> >busy >to talk to you.>

Connie ________________________________________________________________

From my niece: Subj: Reverse psychology Date: 10/27/00 6:26:20 PM Eastern Daylight Time > >A man in Florida, in his 80's, calls his son in New York.

>The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house.

Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've >had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace.

>I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out." > >He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the >Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, "I'll handle this."

She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night." > >The father agrees, "All right." He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving!

>Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

>

-- Anonymous, October 28, 2000

From another CC/CoC/RM forum:

Once upon a time as Bambi Doright, a young Christian, woman was walking across a bridge, she saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. She quickly ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it, God will send you to hell for it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

She said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well .... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Baptist or Church of Christ?"

"Church of Christ."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Conservative or Liberal?"

"Conservative."

"Me too! Are you an Anti, Main Stream, Liberal or Legalist?

"Legalist."

"Me too! Are you Anti-Herald of Truth or Anti-Sunday School?"

"Anti-Herald of Truth."

"Me too! Are you pro-Instrumental or Acapella music?"

"Pro-Instrumental Music!"

To which Bambi said, "Die, heretic scumbag!" and she pushed him off.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` `````````````` Yours for Truth and Freedom . . . . . . Horace Horace S. Hooper Fort Worth, TX. 76140 hshoop@home.com

-- Anonymous, January 19, 2001

Here's a funny that a guy from our congregation sent me today. Bill ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> Bill Denton MailTo:BillDenton@crossties.org MailTo:brayyd@swbell.net CrossTies Ministry http://www.crossties.org/ ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><> ><>

One morning in church the little son of the Baptist minister saw, for

the first time, the rite of baptism by immersion. He was greatly interested

in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats ---in the

bathtub. The kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the

old family cat rebelled. It struggled with him, clawed and tore him, and got

away. With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the

ceremony. But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit and

scratched his hands and face. Finally he threw her on the floor in

disgust,

and said: "Fine, be a Methodist if you want to!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ;-) ;-) ;-)

Connie

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2001

For Danny:

A few days after George W. Bush's inauguration, a man came up to the Marine on duty at the White House and said, "I'd like to see President Clinton.

The Marine politely answered, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president." The man said, "Oh, O.K.," and walked away.

The next day the Marine was again on duty and the same man approached and again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine again answered, "Sir,

Mr.Clinton is no longer president."

Again the man answered, "Oh, O.K.," and walked away.

The next day the same man approached the same Marine and again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine, a little annoyed, said "Sir, I've told you Mr. Clinton is no longer president. Don't you understand that?"

"Yes, I do," said the man, "but I just enjoy hearing it."

The Marine smiled and said, "See you tomorrow."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

-- Anonymous, March 30, 2001

In a related Marine Story......

SAD STATE OF THE US MARINE CORPS

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power. I was proud as Mr. Bush took his oath of office.

I was sad as I watched Mr. Clinton board Air Force One for the final time. It may surprise you that this made me sad....

But watching this part of the day's festivities, I saw 21 U.S. Marines, in full dress, with rifles, fire a 21 gun salute to the outgoing president.

It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.

Every last one of them missed.

-- Anonymous, April 02, 2001

From another forum:

How To Bathe A Cat ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------- 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. Depending on the size of the cat, you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside creating a blow-drying effect.

Sincerely, The DOG ;-)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

-- Anonymous, April 03, 2001

On The Plane ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------- There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so naturally she did a lot of flying. Flying made her extremely nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read since it helped relax her on the long flights.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle, smirked, and went back to what he was doing. After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about the guy that was swallowed by the whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.

"He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "

What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

-- Anonymous, April 09, 2001

This is the thread the 'Synagogue Seating' one is on, not the 'If You are Depressed' thread. Both of those threads are in the 'Humor' category, and I got them mixed up.

It has a lot of funny stuff on it which some may not have seen.

-- Anonymous, May 09, 2001

Bees, Honey, etc. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."

"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."

"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"

"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be."

"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.

"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee, "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

;-) LOL ;-) LOL ;-) LOL ;-)

Connie

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2001

Useful Cats

How To Bathe A Cat (and clean the Toilet at the same time) ----------- ----------------------------------------------------------- ---------- 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. Depending on the size of the cat, you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching for any purchase they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside creating a blow-drying effect. Sincerely, The DOG ;-)

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2001

The Plan...

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2001